Imperfect Love (Heart 0f Hope Book 4)

by Ajme Williams

“Daddy, I did messy painting today.” He held his hands up and I expected to see them covered in finger paint. There were a few dots of color on his fingernails, but other than that they were clean. “I made a picture of George.” George was the name of the new fish I’d bought him a few weeks back.

  “When can I see it?” I squatted down to see him at eye level.

  “It has to dry first.” He put his arms around me, and savored the feel of my son in my arms. If Terra and I didn’t make it, at least we had Noah and Lanie to show that at one time, we’d loved each other.

  The door to the office opened and Lanie walked in.

  “Hi daddy.” She rushed over to hug me too. I hoped to hell that I wasn’t going to turn out to be one of those dads that only saw his kids on the weekend. As I stood and took their hands, I realized, I already was. The epiphany had me stopping.

  “What’s wrong daddy?” Lanie asked.

  I looked down into her little face. “Nothing baby.” I smiled. “How about a stop at the park on the way home?”

  “Yay!” they both jumped up and down.

  I took them to the park, pushing them on the swings and sliding with them on the slide. We took a short break from playing tag to have some water. “How was school?”

  “Good,” they said in unison.

  “Are you both doing okay? Happy?” I didn’t know what I was doing. They were kids, so of course they were okay. I guess I was just wanting to be sure that Terra and I weren’t fucking them up.

  “Yep. Daddy, can I have a fish too? I want a shrimp,” Lanie said.

  I quirked a brow at Lanie’s request. “A shrimp?” Was that even possible?

  “It will clean the tank. Nina said she had a shrimp and I want one too.”

  I nodded thinking I’d need to ask Emma about shrimp. “We can look into that.”

  “Can I have a shrimp too?” Noah asked.

  “If a shrimp and George can get along, I don’t see why not.”

  When we finished playing, I loaded them in the car and took them home. Terra’s car was in the garage, and I was annoyed that I’d cut my meeting with Kyle short to get the kids if she’d have been able to do it. That was followed by guilt at being so willing to give up the afternoon I’d just had with my kids to work.

  “You guys hungry?” I asked as I opened the door for them.

  “I want apples and peanut butter,” Lanie said.

  “No peanut butter,” Noah said.

  “Why not?” Didn’t all kids like peanut butter?

  “It’s sticky in my mouth.”

  I needed to find Terra, to find out what was up with her. “Put your packs away and meet me back in the kitchen,” I said as I made my way up the hall to our bedroom.

  She was sitting on the bed. For once, she was dressed in something other than sweatpants and a t-shirt. The basic outfit wasn’t as nice as she used to wear, but at least it showed off her curves. If we weren’t so estranged, I’d have liked to rediscover the body she developed once she had kids. I’d always been turned on by her body, but before it was lean, with straight lines. Now it was curvy and feminine. As a man, I liked that.

  What I didn’t like was that she appeared to have lied to me about needing me to get the kids. “You’re home.”

  “Yes, I finished earlier than I expected.”

  I stepped into the room, shutting the door, so the kids wouldn’t hear if this discussion turned into an argument. “You said you were busy and needed me to pick up the kids.”

  “I thought it would take longer.”

  I set my hands on my hips as I looked down at her. “I had to cancel an important meeting, Terra. You could have picked them up.”

  She wore the expression she normally got when I talked about work.

  “I didn’t know I’d be done so soon.” She stood and took off her jewelry. She rarely wore it anymore, and I stopped buying it for her as a result.

  “Now I’ll have to stay late. My wife gets annoyed when I work late,” I bit out in annoyance. She was always getting on me for working so much.

  “Yes, heaven forbid she would want her husband home to have dinner with her and the kids.”

  I shook my head wondering if we were going to hash out the same old argument. My eyes caught a letter on the bed.

  I picked it up. “What’s this?” I saw the name on the stationary and realized one of my fears was coming true. She’d been talking to a lawyer.

  When I looked at her, her reflection in the mirror was staring at me. But I didn’t see any concern on her end about what I’d just learned.

  “You want a divorce?”

  She turned to me, and with the same non-affect said, “No.”

  “Then what’s this?” I waved the letter at her.

  “I thought about it—”

  “This looks like you’ve done more than think about it. You’ve retained a lawyer.”

  “I’m not going through with it.”

  I studied her, wondering if I wanted to voice the question that I wasn’t sure I wanted the answer to. “So, you don’t love me anymore.”

  “I never said that.”

  I didn’t say anything because I couldn’t decipher her response. Did she still love me? I knew I loved her, which was what made this whole situation all the more tragic.

  “Are you relieved or annoyed that I’m not going to follow through,” she asked.

  “I’m wondering what happened to you.”

  She laughed derisively. “Me? It’s not just me. It’s us, Brayden.”

  “I work my ass off to make you and kids happy, but you’re impossible to please.”

  “Well, perhaps you’ll get lucky and you won’t have to put up with me anymore,” she said.

  “So, you are leaving me?” Why the hell couldn’t she just tell me what was going on with her?

  She shrugged. “I’m not divorcing you.”

  What the fuck did that mean?

  “Daddy, I’m hungry,” Lanie called from out in the hallway.

  “I’m coming.”

  “I’ll feed them,” Terra said. “You go to work. I know you want to.”

  I took umbrage at her comment and tone. “Why am I always the bad guy here, Terra? Don’t I provide a good home for you? The kids are happy. It’s not like I’m not ever around.”

  “You’re not a bad guy, Brayden. But don’t pretend that all the time you work is for me and the kids.”

  “The hell it isn’t,” I roared.

  “Daddy?” Lanie’s scared voice sounded outside the door.

  “Now you’re scaring them,” Terra said, rushing past me to the door. “It’s okay, baby,” she said taking Lanie’s hand. “What do you want for a snack?”

  I scraped my hand over my face wondering how my life had gotten to this. Did she really think I didn’t work hard to make sure she was living the life as she was accustomed to when she was growing up? That I was working to provide a future for our children?

  I stalked out of the bedroom and back to the kitchen. I mustered a smile. “Daddy’s got to go take care of some things at the office.”

  “Don’t go daddy,” Lanie said, rushing over to wrap her arms around me. At least someone cared.

  I kissed her and then Noah. “I love you guys,” I looked at Terra, and unfortunately, pain and resentment kept me from telling her that I still loved her too. I turned and headed out the door and back to the office; the one place I felt competent, respected, and appreciated.

  6

  Terra

  I blamed both Brayden and myself for our marriage’s problems, except for the last two weeks. The increased tension between us since then was on me. Ever since I noticed the blemish on my breast, I couldn’t seem to help myself. Anger and fear had me lashing out at him, starting with suggesting he was trying to buy Noah’s affection, up to now, not working harder to let him know I didn’t really want a divorce even when I was talking to a lawyer about it.

  The day after I found the anomaly on my breast, I
was able to get into my doctor’s office the very next day. I could see the concern on my doctor’s face, even though she said the lump could be benign. So, I started all the tests; the scans and biopsy. I’d prepared to hear the worst, but when I walked into my doctor’s office today for the results, and she asked if my husband would be there with me, I knew the news was bad. If it was good news, I wouldn’t need support.

  As she spoke, all I heard was stage three, and everything inside me went numb. The rest of her words were a blur…chemotherapy to shrink the tumor…surgery…radiation…

  By the time I was home, all I could think about was preparing my children to grow up without me. It was morbid and yet, I knew first-hand what it was like to lose a mother to cancer. While the doctor was hopeful about a successful treatment, cancer was a killer, and there was no guarantee treatment would cure it.

  I should have told Brayden when he arrived home, but the kids were there and he was clearly upset already. The truth was, I knew it would be easier to deal with his annoyance of me than his worry or pity at my condition. So instead, we discussed divorce. The death of our marriage wasn’t that far off.

  When he left to go back to work, he’d told the kids he loved them, and then looked at me. For a moment, I thought I saw love for me in his eyes, but maybe that was wishful thinking. Instead, he left without a word to me.

  “Mommy, when can we have our snack?” Lanie brought me out of my reverie. I finished getting them a snack, and then put all my focus on them. We played in the backyard and later, we made a fort and played board games in it. We had dinner and then watched TV. I gave the kids baths and then put them to bed.

  As usual, Noah fussed, and so I lay down with him. Perhaps it was the busy evening, but it wasn’t until I was laying down in the quiet darkness, that my tears came. How long before I would be too tired or weak to play? Would I lose my hair, and if so, would it scare the kids?

  “Mommy?” Noah’s soft voice sounded concerned.

  “It’s okay, baby,” I said pulling him close. My mother had been so brave for me as she battled her illness, I could do the same. I would do the same. I settled in next to Noah, singing him a lullaby until he fell asleep.

  Late in the night, I startled awake as I heard the front door open and close. Lanie’s door squeaked slightly telling me Brayden was checking on her. Noah’s door opened, but I closed my eyes as Brayden’s head peeked in. He closed the door and headed back to our bedroom.

  For the first time in a long time, I put myself in his shoes, and guilt filled me that he’d been sleeping by himself for a long time. When I first started laying with Noah, my only goal was to calm him down and get him to sleep faster. But I suppose now, I did it partly to avoid Brayden. I should get up and go to my own bed.

  Noah turned over, snuggling deeper next to me. I bit back more tears as I knew I wouldn’t be returning to my bed tonight. At least not right now.

  The next morning, I was able to get out of Noah’s bed without waking him. I headed to the kitchen where Brayden was drinking coffee as he looked out the window in the backyard.

  He turned as I came in. “Tell me the truth. Do you stay with Noah for him or to avoid me?”

  I swallowed the guilt that threatened again. “Noah. Mostly.”

  His eyes closed as he turned away from me, and I hated that I was hurting him.

  “Do you really want out of the marriage,” he asked.

  “No. I just…you’re so disconnected from us…me.”

  He brought his attention back to me. “You don’t have room for me anymore. You’ve put the kids first, which I suppose is more important, but I’ve been completely cut out.”

  “You’re never here,” I said, trying to keep calm even though I could feel the resentment rise. He cut himself out by working nonstop. “You put work over us.”

  “I work for you. For all of you.”

  “Not just for us, Brayden. You work because you want to. Don’t put that on us.”

  He sighed and turned away. “We go around and around on this. Each time, the end result is the same.”

  At least we could agree on that.

  “When did we lose it?” He said it so low that I wasn’t sure that he was really asking me or just talking to himself.

  I answered anyway. “I think it was a slow process that got away from us before we knew it.”

  He gave a short nod. “And it’s too far gone to save.”

  “Is it?” For some reason, his words made my heart clench, like I was on the verge of losing him, which was ridiculous since that thought had been there for some time.

  “You’re the one talking to a lawyer.” He moved passed me to the sink, rinsing his cup, and putting it in the dishwasher.

  “I was feeling—” I wasn’t sure what to say. If it weren’t for my cancer diagnosis would I still be pursuing divorce?

  He stopped near me as he headed out of the kitchen. “Let me know when you make up your mind.”

  Irritation gripped me. “About?”

  “About whether you want me still or not.” He started out.

  “What about you? Do you still want me?”

  He stopped, but didn’t turn to look at me. “I’ve never stopped.” Then he continued on presumably going to our room to get dressed.

  “I never stopped either,” I said softly as I wiped a tear. How could it happen that we still loved each other but couldn’t get our shit together? Was it just that we wanted what we had before and that was gone? We weren’t the same people as when we married, so of course, things wouldn’t be the same.

  I didn’t have a lot of time to think on it as Lanie skipped into the kitchen. “Daddy says I can get a shrimp.”

  “Did he?”

  “I wonder when we can get it?”

  “You’ll have to ask him. What do you want for breakfast? How about peanut butter toast.” I worked to get my emotions under control so she wouldn’t see how torn up I was.

  “’kay.”

  I made toast and when Noah was up, he got a chocolate smoothie. Brayden returned to the kitchen, dressed in his suit, ready to seize the day. I studied him, and found I couldn’t blame his secretary for banging him if that’s what was going on. He was still handsome. Life hadn’t run him haggard like it had me.

  “I’ve gotta run,” he said, giving Noah a kiss on the head.

  “When can we get shrimp?” Lanie asked as he kissed her too.

  His gaze glanced at me, probably wondering about my opinion. Why he cared now after telling the kids he’d get them shrimp, I didn’t know. “We’ll check it out this weekend, okay?”

  “Okay. Bye daddy,” Lanie gave him a kiss, leaving a bit of peanut butter on his cheek.

  “Brayden?”

  He stopped and I went to him, using my finger to wipe off the sticky nut butter on his cheek. He flinched at my touch, and looked at me in surprise. His cheek was warm and soft from his shave. I looked into his eyes, as emotion filled me at how much we had lost.

  His gaze drifted down to my lips, and I wondered if he wanted to kiss me. I wished he would. It had been so long.

  “Mommy, Noah is blowing bubbles in his breakfast.” Lanie’s voice broke the spell.

  I pulled my hand away. “You had peanut butter on your cheek.”

  He watched me a minute longer and then said, “Thanks.” As our gazes held, my heart filled with such longing for him and what we had. There was so much I wanted to say, and yet, every time we talked, it was always the same; I blamed him for working too much and he blamed me for focusing everything on the kids.

  There was emotion in his eyes, and I wondered if he felt the same? Wishing we could get past our resentments to find us again.

  He stepped back. “See you tonight.”

  “Bye daddy,” the kids called.

  He started out, but gave me a quick glance over his shoulder. It reminded me of when we first met as coworkers who weren’t supposed to fraternize. We kept our relationship on the downlow, but every time
he’d leave a meeting, he’d give me one last look over his shoulder. At the time, it had been a look that said he’d loved me.

  Only after he was gone this morning did I realize I still hadn’t told him about my cancer. I’d need to find time when the kids were preoccupied or maybe I could do like Emma said and arrange a date night where she could babysit.

  There was so much to do. I knew from my mother’s treatment, that I’d be weak and need help. Would he be willing to take time away from work to help me? Or would he prefer to hire help? Either way, he needed to be involved now.

  “Mommy, Noah spilled his smoothie.”

  I turned to find Noah using his hand to try and clean up a small puddle of his breakfast. “Let me wipe it up.”

  I grabbed a sponge and began to clean up the mess. If only it was as easy to clean up the mess between Brayden and me.

  7

  Brayden

  There’d been a moment when Terra wiped the peanut butter from my cheek that I’d felt a spark of something between us. That was followed by emotion, a longing to kiss her and get back what we’d lost. As I left, I wondered if I’d imagined it, so I turned back to look at her. For an instant, I was propelled back in time to when I met and fell in love with her.

  Ten Years Earlier

  I was feeling pretty full of myself, especially standing next to this douchebag who, like me, was starting his first day at the established Seattle tech firm. I’d just finished earning my MBA, after earning a joint computer science and business degree in my undergraduate studies. My reward was a sweet job with great pay at the tech giant.

  Douchebag and I were waiting to meet our new supervisor.

  “Someday I’m going to run this place,” Douchebag said with that kind of boasting that let you know he was compensating for a lack of confidence or talent. My guess is he had the talent, but clearly not the confidence or social skills. He probably had a tiny dick too.

  “Good luck with that,” I said. Not that I didn’t expect to do well and work up the ranks, but I was smart enough not to be obnoxious about it.