Cake: The Newlyweds: Cake Series Book Four

by J. Bengtsson

  I cried a lot now. Sometimes it was as little as a swelling of tears in my eyes, but other times it went all the way up to gargantuan crying marathons that lasted hours and involved anyone unlucky enough to cross my path. Usually that person was Jake.

  Although he was outwardly supportive, I could feel him pulling away… or maybe it was me pushing him in that direction. I wasn’t sure if there was a difference, really. Either way, I felt the distance between us as if we were separated by oceans. Intimacy was a thing of the past, as I couldn’t seem to coax my body into feeling anything but numbness. The last time we’d tried, I was more like a limp rag doll than a vibrant young newlywed wife. It wasn’t like I wanted it to be that way, I just couldn’t come up with any way around the pain that stabbed into my heart on an hourly basis.

  The ‘Fun Time Leader’ that the crew had counted on to brighten up their stops along the way was no more. The magic was gone, and each city blended into the next in a haze of monotony. I began wandering, sometimes for hours on end, just going wherever my feet would take me. The first time I wandered, it caused a panic between Jake and his security crew, so now I was assigned a bodyguard at every stop.

  Today’s trek had led me to a quaint Main Street in the old part of town where I found a comfortable Deli and Bakery with an outdoor seating area. Glancing around my surroundings, I took in the sight and smells; young and old alike were milling around, waiting for their thinly sliced meat on fresh baked bread. I’d found myself here after a good four-mile walk. At least it was good for me. Poor Dom, today’s reluctant bodyguard, was currently resting his weary feet at a table off in the corner.

  His bald head was flushed crimson, and droplets of sweat raced down his face like rain on a windshield. It was clear he wasn’t used to getting this type of cardio workout. Or maybe it was just the duration of walk that had done him in. After this hike, he was sure to ask for reassignment. What did I care? If Jake insisted on having me followed, then his cronies had damn well better be able to keep up.

  A screaming toddler pulled my focus off Dom. Good lord, the kid had a set of lungs on him. I watched the young mother with interest as she tried to get her offspring in line. But he wasn’t having any of it, and threw his body onto the floor in a display of unmatched fury. Instead of inspiring me to move away from the tantrum, the boy’s rage actually brought a smile to my face. What could possibly be so terrible in his little world to warrant such a reaction?

  With her baby girl in one arm, the mother attempted to right her small charge, but he’d taken to arching his back in protest. The woman glanced at me, blowing a strand of hair out of her eyes. I smiled at her sympathetically.

  “You like babies?” she asked, ready to hand hers off to me. I don’t know. Did I? I used to love children, but now even they held no joy for me. “This looks like it’ll be a two-hand job.”

  I held out my arms for her. Why not? What else did I have to do? Besides, Dom needed a breather before I led him back to the stadium. The moment the warm little bundle was placed in my arms, I felt an instant thawing of my steely heart. The baby peered up at me, her eyes so filled with wonder at the world around her. Her innocence captivated me. I ran my finger along the top of her nose and the baby reached up to grab it. I beamed at the sweet thing. The mother looked up from the deep negotiation she was having with her toddler to check on us. Again we exchanged smiles, and she resumed the task at hand.

  Returning my attention to the baby, I was surprised to see she was still watching me intently, and I wondered what she saw. I could only imagine how unimpressed she must be. But then again, maybe babies had superpowers that we adults just overlooked. Maybe this baby girl could see past the sadness. Maybe old Casey was in there smiling back at her. The thought gave me a surprising measure of peace. I was still me; wounded, but me.

  Feeling lighter than I had in weeks, I made a fish face, mugging for my infant audience until she let loose the most adorable giggle I think I’d ever heard in my life. It was music to my ears, and for the first time in a long while, I laughed. Holding this treasure gave me a feeling of pure, unbridled happiness.

  Suddenly I understood what needed to be done to turn this out of control train around: I needed a baby. Jake and I needed a baby. It was the only answer that made sense to me and it had been right in front of me all along. So what if Jake hadn’t worked out his issues with being a father? He could always just learn on the job. We could do this. I could come out of this tragedy intact. All I needed was one of these.

  I hadn’t even realized I was crying until the baby’s mother stared at me in alarm.

  “Oh,” I smiled, wiping the tears away. “Sorry. She’s just so beautiful.”

  The tension eased off her face as I handed the baby back.

  “Are you all right?” she asked, her forehead furrowed in worry.

  “I will be, in about nine months.”

  Giving Dom a break, I allowed him to call for a ride. I needed to get back to Jake as quickly as possible. If all went as planned, I’d be on my back within the hour. Jake was in the bus with Sean going over the night’s playlist when I burst through the door. His eyes widened in surprise at the sight before him. I was smiling.

  Sean looked between the two of us and excused himself. Once he left, I flung myself on Jake, kissing him all over. And instead of asking me a series of questions, he just accepted the sudden change for what it was: a welcome relief.

  “You’re a breath of fresh air,” he said, working his lips around the back of my neck where he knew it drove me wild.

  “I feel good, babe. I finally figured it out.”

  “Figured what out?”

  “How to recover from the loss.”

  Jake extracted his lips from my skin and appeared every bit as interested in my magical cure as I had been at the deli. “How?”

  “A baby,” I said, nearly clapping out my excitement.

  “A baby?” he queried, with none of my glee.

  “Yes. A baby,” I confirmed, grabbing his hands and pulling him onto the sofa with me. “Hear me out.”

  I went on to explain what happened at the deli and the reasoning behind the decision, and although he didn’t seem entirely convinced, Jake didn’t veto the plan either. Not that he really could, anyway. The last couple of months had seen a shift in the balance of our relationship. While we had once been equals, the power now tipped in my direction. His whopping hang-ups, which had always ruled our world, had all but taken a backseat to mine.

  I told Jake that the pain I felt on a daily basis was like a heavy fog that couldn’t dissipate because there was no sunshine to scare it away. Babies were sunshine. I spoke of recovery and happiness, something that would come when I had my own child to dote on. And surprisingly, Jake hung on my every word, the hope in his eyes a telling sign of the weeks of struggle we’d experienced together.

  Of course, I understood that was why he was being so pliable with my idea in the first place. He was ready to grab for any rope I dangled in front of him. My poor husband just wanted peace back and was willing to sacrifice his own well-being for the sake of it. If I was promising him a better, less stressful life, he was inclined to slurp up the Kool-Aid I was pouring.

  “If that’s what you think will make you happy, Casey, I’m willing to try. But you have to do something for me then… actually a couple of things.”

  “Okay what?”

  “No more wandering. And you and I need to start talking again like we used to. We need to be the pair we’ve always been. If you can promise me that, I will do my best to give you a baby.”

  I wrapped my arms around him as tightly as I could. That was a deal I was more than willing to make.

  Say what you will about my ill-conceived notion that a child was the answer to life’s problems, but trying to conceive had started the healing process, even if it was only one tiny baby step at a time. My mind wasn’t constantly consumed with death anymore, and I was able to venture back into the world. I returned to
the sidelines of his concerts and took joy in his successes once again. And as my mood improved, Jake took notice, and our playful banter returned.

  That didn’t mean there wasn’t any more crying, because there was, lots of it, but it seemed more manageable now, like there was a beginning and an end to the sadness. Things were still hard and the setbacks all-consuming, but now I knew I could survive this. I was stealthy enough to move through this world until my strength returned. And with Jake by my side, I couldn’t fail.

  14

  Jake: A Screeching Halt

  I checked my phone. Dammit. I stepped up my pace. There was an ovulation chart to take into consideration, and I’d promised Casey I’d be back in three hours. Unfortunately, there’d been label bigwigs in attendance, and I was expected to kiss their asses for a reasonable amount of time after the concert, so by the time I was able to leave the venue, it was already pushing four hours, and Casey’s window of opportunity was closing… according to her, not science.

  Casey was probably already lying in bed waiting impatiently for me to deposit my seed. She’d expect me to be locked and loaded the minute I walked through the door. I sighed. There was nothing sexy about baby making, at least not the way we were doing it. But failure was not an option. I had to put a baby in her stomach, or all hell would break loose.

  Cringing, I thought about our earlier encounter. I hated arguing with her. Usually I was able to hold my tongue, knowing she didn’t really mean the things she said these days. But sometimes Casey just got to me, like when she tried to coerce me into making a baby an hour before I was set to perform. Snapping at her the way I did only made things worse, though. It brought on another one of her marathon crying sessions – which I hated even more than the arguing.

  As much as I didn’t want a baby, I hoped to god she got pregnant sooner rather than later because I knew she wasn’t capable of withstanding the myriad emotions that went along with one failed conception after another. After all, this was the woman who’d begun an ovulation chart the same month we started trying. She was leaving nothing to chance, which meant if things didn’t go her way, the progress we’d made in the last couple months would be all for naught.

  Believe it or not, this was progress. After her brother died, Casey stayed behind with her family as I continued on with the tour. I was making plans to cancel the whole thing when Linda talked me out of it. There was no point in me sitting around miserable, she’d said, when I could be on the stage making other people happy. It was what both she and Casey wanted, so after a two-week hiatus, I returned to the tour.

  Casey joined me a couple weeks later – a broken woman. She floundered for weeks before hitting upon her plan for a baby. Initially I’d been reluctant, but after we began trying, her mood improved, so I jumped onto the baby train feet first. No matter that I had a deep fear of being a father; my issues had long since taken a backseat to hers, and I gladly focused my energy on her recovery instead. Still, I hated that she was questioning my loyalty. I had never once given her any reason to doubt it. Giving up on her was not an option.

  My phone buzzed in my pocket. I purposely ignored it at first because I assumed it was one of the crew with a problem, and I wasn’t turning back around. But then I worried it might be Casey, so I pulled it out of my pocket and checked the screen. Luke. Fuck! Why was he calling me? He only dialed my number when things had gone to shit and he wanted me to relate the information.

  I drew in a sharp, ragged breath before forcing myself to answer. “Hey, Luke.”

  “Hey. Is Casey with you?”

  “No. I’m just walking back to the bus. Do you want me to get her?”

  “No, that’s why I called you.”

  I could hear the stress in his voice and instantly sensed trouble. Tension settled in my shoulders.

  “Why? What’s wrong?”

  Luke hesitated.

  “Luke, what’s wrong?”

  “Okay, so…Mom’s in the hospital.”

  I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. My thoughts shifted straight to Casey. She couldn’t take much more. “Why? What happened?”

  “Doctors think it might be a mild heart attack. With her high blood pressure and all the stress of the past few months, it’s taken its toll on her.”

  “Jesus,” I exhaled. “Is she going to be all right?”

  “Yeah, she’s doing okay. The doctors aren’t even sure if it was actually a heart attack yet. It’s possible she just had a panic attack. They’re running more tests. But Jake, regardless of what they show, Mom’s really run down. She needs a break, and I know that Casey’s not doing great herself, and you guys are on tour and everything” – Luke’s voice wavered – “but I think I’m really going to need her.”

  “Yeah, of course, but…” I hesitated, knowing Casey didn’t want her family worrying about her. “She’s pretty fragile herself.”

  “I know but she has to be more help than Dad. He has zero patience with Sydney.”

  “Okay, let me talk to Casey. I’ll get her on a plane.”

  “Thanks, Jake. Sorry to keep dumping all this on you. It’s more than you signed up for.”

  “No, it’s not. I’ll call you back soon.”

  “Thanks, man.”

  Casey took the news about as well as could be expected. Of course, she wanted to get to her mother right away, but she would have to wait a few hours for flights into Arizona. I’d been making plans to go with her when Luke called back to let us know Linda hadn’t had a heart attack but was suffering with an acute case of heartburn that simulated chest pains. She was expected to remain in the hospital a few days to undergo further testing.

  I held Casey as we waited for her to board the plane. I’d brought along a small army of bodyguards with me today because I wanted to protect Casey from any further stress, and to be honest, I was in no mood myself to deal with a fan encounter.

  “Sorry I didn’t get home sooner last night. We never had a chance to make a baby.”

  “I know. Bart will just have to wait another month.”

  “Bart will have to wait a lifetime because I’m never naming my kid that.”

  We laughed at our shared joke before her face took a turn for the serious.

  “Jake, I don’t know when I’m coming back. If my mom needs help, I might have to stay.”

  I nodded solemnly. I knew it was coming, but hearing it from her made it more real. It’s not that I didn’t want her to help out her family; it was that so much distance between us probably wasn’t the best thing for our relationship right now.

  “What’s that look?” she asked, running her fingers along my face.

  “Look?” I asked, adopting an air of innocence. “I don’t have a look.”

  Casey touched the space between my brows. “Liar. I can always tell when something’s bothering you by the crinkled ridge that forms here.”

  “You’re scarily perceptive,” I replied, with the hint of a grin.

  Wrapping her arms around my neck, she gave my lips a lingering kiss. “I’m going to come back.”

  I placed my hands on her hips and stared deeply into her brown eyes. “I know you will.” Though in the back of my mind, I wasn’t so sure.

  15

  Casey: What Could Go Wrong?

  The man waiting for me near baggage claim was nearly unrecognizable. In fact, at first, I’d ignored his efforts to get my attention until I took a closer look and nearly passed out from the shock.

  “Luke?”

  “Who else would I be?” He smiled, but there wasn’t a drop of levity behind it. Even his eyes, always so expressive, gave off no warmth.

  “I’m… I don’t know. You look totally different.”

  Granted, it had been a couple of months since I’d seen him last, but Luke had made the transformation of all transformations.

  “Did you dye your hair?” The mere uttering of the sentence seemed ridiculous, but here I was staring at my brother, whose normally dark close-cropped ha
ir was now licking at his ears and highlighted with streaks of blond.

  “No, I just woke up one day and it was this color.”

  “Really?” Somehow that made more sense than him dyeing it.

  “No. Of course I dyed it. Or a friend of mine did. I take it you don’t like it?”

  “I just… I’m shocked, is all. It might take some getting used to.”

  The other thing that was tripping me up was his weight, or the lack thereof. He caught me eying him and answered my question before I asked it.

  “I’ve lost some weight.”

  “Some? Are you okay? You’re not sick, are you?”

  “No, Casey. I just lost some weight. No big deal.”

  “It’s not some weight, Luke. You’ve lost everything! I mean you look… you look…”

  I’ll tell you what he looked like: a completely different person. And it wasn’t just his outward appearance that had me all weirded out, there was a change in his overall personality as well. No longer the jovial goofball, Luke had a strained exterior now, as if his light, which had always burned so bright inside him, had burned out. My god, I’d been wallowing in my own sadness for so long that I hadn’t even stopped to consider what Luke was going through. Sure, Mom had said she was worried about him, but she didn’t mention this full-body makeover.

  “Would you please stop staring at me?”

  “Sorry. You could have warned me. I mean, would a Facebook update have killed you?”

  Instead of answering, he bent down and hugged me. “How are you doing, sis?”

  I fell heavily into his arms, feeling sluggish and worn and in need of my big brother’s comfort, even if he now looked like a beach bum.