Finding Redemption

by Emilia Finn

  “Nelly and Bryan?”

  “Yeah. Have you met Nell?”

  “Nah.” My fingers start playing with the hem of his black shirt as he holds me closer. “Though Kit’s going to meet her soon I think.”

  “Yeah,” Jon confirms with a nod. “We’re having dinner soon.”

  “You’ll be there too?”

  “Sure,” he nods again. “Probably Sissy too. You should come.”

  “Me?”

  “Sure. You’re Kit’s family. You’re my family. You should come.”

  I look into his eyes as a mixture of shock and swoon course through me. “I’m your family?”

  “Sure,” he says for the third time on a chuckle. “You’re my best friend. You’re family.”

  I bite my lip as I consider my next words. He’s never said anything outright, but I’m curious. “Jon?”

  “Hmm?”

  “Do you ever see yourself falling in love?”

  He shakes his head softly. “Nah. That’s not for me.”

  “Love’s not for you?”

  “No. I’m not made for it. That’s for… other people. People like Bobby. People like you.”

  “But not for you?”

  He shakes his head again. “No. Not me. You know how we’re born with personality traits, genes, whatever? I wasn’t born with the love gene.”

  “But you love your family. You love your sister and your brothers.”

  “Yeah, but that’s a different kind of love. You’re in that category too, you know?”

  My eyes snap to his as my fingers go stiff on his stomach. “You love me?”

  “Yeah,” he squeezes me again. “You’re my best friend. I’m your Leo. I’m protective and loyal. I love you like I love Bobby.”

  “But you’re not made for the other kind of love?”

  “No. I’ll be the best man at your wedding. I’ll be your kid’s uncle. But I won’t be a dad myself. I won’t get married. I’ll just… be me.”

  “That sounds lonely.” That makes me sad.

  “But it’s not, because I have all you guys. There’ll be loads of nieces and nephews to love too. But I won’t be passing on my genes.”

  “But what about Izzy?”

  His eyes narrow dangerously. “What about Izzy?”

  “Don’t you think she should get married some day? Have kids?”

  His eyes glare down at mine and if I didn’t know him so well, the danger in them could scare me. I do know him though. “Not until she’s thirty. Maybe thirty-five.”

  I smile at his stubborn ass attitude. “Okay, but when she’s thirty, she’ll still have the same genes as you. Does that mean you think she doesn’t deserve a husband, a family some day?”

  “No. Sissy… she’s different. She’s special. She’s not like me.”

  “Sounds like a convenient excuse for the eternal bachelor life.”

  He shrugs carelessly. “Call it whatever you want.”

  “So no kids, no wife.”

  “Nope.” Jon turns back to the movie. “That night we met, before I knew you, I was only offering the one night. We’d have had our fun, but that’s it. I couldn’t offer you anything more.”

  “That’s all a bit tragic, Jon. Everyone deserves happiness. Everyone deserves family and love.”

  Jon just shrugs; he’s done with this conversation.

  We watch the movie in silence for a while, but I can’t even focus when Ani steals his kiss from Padme; one of my favorite scenes of all time. Jon’s words have ruined it for me. Instead I think about how sad he must be inside, thinking he doesn’t deserve the things he does.

  Jon’s a good man. He has a wonderful heart and I feel like there’s something wrong with the universe if someone as sweet and kind as him can’t find his happily ever after.

  I turn into him, hitching my knee up until it rests on his broad thigh, the better to get close. “Jon?”

  He sighs dramatically as I interrupt a fight on screen, then he turns to me with a smirk. “Yes, Sunshine?”

  “You’re my best friend?”

  His patronizing eyes turn soft as his arm pulls me against him. “Yeah.”

  “You love me?”

  “Yeah. Like I love Bobby.”

  “Tell me something?”

  He nods for me to continue.

  “What happened to you?”

  His eyes narrow menacingly, then he turns back to the movie. “Nothing special. Regular childhood.”

  “So why are you so bitter?”

  “I’m not bitter,” he argues. “I just don’t bullshit myself. Can we drop it?”

  “Best friends don’t let best friends drop it. I drag all the shit out of Kit.”

  “That’s not a best friend thing, Sunshine, that’s a chick thing. Keep your estrogen out of my house.” He’s only joking, his smirk easing the worry in my stomach, but he’s still dismissing me.

  “Why do you call me Sunshine?”

  He sighs. “You’re a Chatty Cathy tonight, huh?”

  I snuggle against his chest, hiding my face because I find it difficult to hide my feelings. Right now, my face is calling his bullshit. “You’re being super evasive tonight, huh?”

  Jon sighs again. “I call you Sunshine because it fits. You’re bright and warm and soothing. And when you go away, it’s not so bright anymore and I’m a little lonely until you come back.”

  I scoff at the irony. “And you say you don’t do romance.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Nothing. Watch your movie, Jon.”

  He watches me a moment longer but eventually drops it, instead turning into me and digging his other arm under my legs. He picks me up easily as though I was a forty pound toddler and he deposits me on my cushion at the end of the couch. He settles me in comfortably, passing me a throw cushion then he lays down, resting his head in my lap and putting my hand on his head.

  “You know,” I start scratching his hair as he digs his head into my lap. “I used to have a dog when I was a kid. A beautiful girl, though her name was Scooter.”

  “You named a female dog Scooter?”

  “Yeah, well, I was a kid. Anyway, she used to walk up whenever I sat down and she’d dig her snout under my hand, bouncing her face and shuffling my hand until it rested on her head.”

  I can feel Jon’s smile against my thigh. “What’s your point?”

  “She did it because she wanted a head scratch. She did it every day and she was stubborn as hell. I’d push her away and she’d come back, digging her snout in again. I’d tease her and stick my hands under my butt or behind my back. It didn’t put her off. She’d dig her snout under my ass instead, or she’d walk around behind me.”

  “Maybe you shouldn’t have pushed her away. Maybe you should have just scratched her damn head.”

  I laugh quietly at his lack of subtlety then I start working my nails against his scalp. “I’ll scratch your head, Jon. You can rest now.”

  “Thank you.” He closes his eyes; not to sleep, just to relax. He does this. He says he wants to watch whatever is on TV, but he almost always closes his eyes and he just lies there.

  I spend the next hour wondering if he’s awake or asleep, but I keep scratching anyway, because I like to make him happy. I like to feel his muscles relax. I like that he trusts me to watch over him.

  “Hey Case…” His gruff voice rumbles along my thighs.

  I look away from the screen and focus on his dark hair. “Hmm?”

  “Ask you somethin’?”

  I smile at his husky voice. “Shoot.”

  “Do you wish we had that one night stand? Do you wish we’d had that one time then I’d left you alone?”

  My hand stills as I watch him and feel my heart thump in my chest. Jon turns to his back, his face turning toward me and my hand drops away. “What are you talking about?”

  “I’m just thinking about the night we met. We could have had our fun then gone our separate ways. Then you wouldn’t be stuc
k with a bitter ass like me for a friend.”

  “Best friend.” I glare at him. “And no, I’m not sad. I’m really happy to have you as a friend, Leo. You make me happy to hang out with.”

  “Do you wish we hooked up first? Do you mourn what could have been?”

  Yes. Every time I look into his eyes I mourn the opportunity I rejected. Instead of admitting this though, I do what I do best. I deflect. “Do you?”

  “I don’t mourn it.” Jon sits up beside me, his face moving from below mine to way above and my neck bends to follow his movement. “I don’t mourn, exactly. But I wonder what could have been.”

  I sigh. “I bet you would have rocked my world, Leo.”

  Jon chuckles shyly, easing my anxiety for a moment until his hand comes toward me and rests on the back of my neck. I feel the goose bumps his touch ignites right down to my toes. “I think we might have killed each other, to be honest.”

  “Jon--”

  “I know I promised no benefits--”

  “Are you about to ruin our friendship?” My voice is almost inaudible, hoarse and I resist the need to clear my throat.

  “No.” He shakes his head sharply. “Never going to ruin our friendship. But I wonder…”

  “Jon--”

  “Could we try once? One kiss.”

  My hand comes up to his jaw and my thumb softly traces his bottom lip; something I’ve been dying to do since we first met and he flashed his pretty smile my way.

  His light cherry colored lips are plump and soft, giving way under my touch, moving to the side as my thumb gently traces from the left to the right. On my second trip across his tongue darts out, tagging the tip of my finger and I stop my movements.

  My hungry eyes meet his again. “Just one time?”

  His pupils grow larger in front of me, his breath fans my face. “Just one.”

  “Why?”

  “Why what?”

  “Why now?” I’m stalling. I want this. I want to run away. I don’t want to ruin this relationship we’ve forged over TV repeats and takeaway food. I already miss us if this screws us up.

  “Because I feel like if I don’t try just once, I might regret it for the rest of my life. Because every time I see you, I stop myself from kissing you. Because every time you hug me, I wonder if we can be friends with some benefits. Just one kiss.”

  “And we’ll be back to normal after? You promise?”

  He nods. “I promise.”

  “Okay.”

  “You’re sure?”

  “Yeah, I’m sure.”

  He smiles even as his eyes turn darker. “May I?”

  I angle my head, confused about his request, but he doesn’t hesitate, he picks me up again, placing me on his lap so my legs straddle him and his tented jeans press against me.

  I groan, because this is all about to go to shit and we’re going to ruin everything.

  “Ignore that, Sunshine. Kiss me.”

  My eyes snap to his; it’s really hard to ignore the erection pressing against the seam of my jeans but his hand finds the back of my head again and pulls me forward.

  My hands come down on his chest to catch my weight, but his strength is a billion times stronger than mine so my bracing arms fold under the pressure. My chest presses against his and my hands find themselves cupping his neck, resting my forearms on his strong shoulder muscles.

  “Please don’t let this ruin us.”

  “I won’t let anything ruin us, Case. I promise.” His lips come down on mine, finished with talking, finished with my doubt and instead taking this opportunity for what it is. He probably thinks it’s a once in a lifetime offer, when really my willpower is nonexistent. I want to kiss him every time I see him too.

  I sigh as his teeth nip at my lip, coaxing me open then his tongue darts in. It’s better than I ever dreamed. And I’d dreamed about it. About him.

  He pulls my bottom lip between his, biting down softly then diving in when I gasp at the momentary sting.

  “You taste good.”

  “Mmm.” I rearrange myself on his lap, lifting my torso, wrapping my arms around his neck, angling my head and taking everything I can before it’s gone.

  My tongue plays with his; his slow dips, his aggressive tasting, his thorough savoring. His left hand remains on the back of my head, holding me prisoner even as his right hand traces my ribs and ass. He cups me, pulling me tight into his lap and pushes my breath from my body with the force of his hold.

  Best friends or not, one time or not, I find myself grinding down against him. It’s a natural instinct and I can’t stop the movement any more than I can stop the groan ripping along my throat. Jon’s hands hold me tight as his mouth devours mine and I find my nails digging into his scalp again.

  Jon’s left hand comes down to cup to my ass then he drags me against him, his dick digging in in the most delicious way. I release his tongue from my mouth, previously being held captive as I sucked it in, but I need distance.

  If he asked right now, I’d rip my jeans off and let him have me. I probably wouldn’t even regret it.

  Except I would.

  “Okay,” Jon’s breath bathes my face as his hands loosen around me. “Okay. I’m sorry.”

  “No. It’s… fine. It’s okay.” My own breath is panting along his face, my chest rising and falling erratically as I feel my pulse throbbing in my underwear. “We can’t do that again.”

  “No. We can’t.” He picks me up again and gently sets me on the couch beside him. “Are you okay?”

  I nod as my head falls into my hands. I can still feel his hands holding me, I can still taste him in my mouth.

  “Nothing changes, Case. Best friends forever.”

  I nod against my cupped hands. “Yeah.”

  “I gotta go take a piss.”

  I nod again but I don’t look up. I just watch his feet as they leave the room.

  Best friends or not, now I’m always going to know what he tastes like and I’m going to remember that together, we explode.

  Damn.

  Ten

  Jon

  Chocolate Blob

  “Happy birthday, Leo.”

  I look up from my phone, from Bobby’s smartass text about not going out tonight, and I smile as my tiny ray of Sunshine walks through my front door, dropping her bag and keys at the table then walking into the living room holding a giant platter.

  I jump up to help her because the platter looks heavy and when I take it, I find my face pulling in at the abomination that looks like… well, it looks like her dog Scooter took a shit on a plate.

  Even while I balance the platter in my left hand, I take her with my right, holding her to my chest and breathing her in. She still smells like cinnamon.

  Exactly like we both promised, we’re still best friends. A week ago after the kiss that might have changed my life, I ran my unhappy ass to the bathroom where I splashed cold water on my face in an attempt to calm the fuck down. When that didn’t work, I tried counting to a thousand by three’s. When that didn’t help, I tried imagining Gandalf and Dumbledore making out. Yes, I know they’re the same person.

  When my dick continued to throb and the pain in my jeans was too much, I decided to face reality and instead dealt with it the way I knew I would have to all along.

  I leant against the cold bathroom tiles, I closed my eyes and I whacked off wishing the girl panting on my couch only twenty feet away could be the one wrapped around my dick instead of my hand.

  Those thoughts had me finishing in record time, and then I could finally face her again. It was awkward at first, but I forced her back to normalcy.

  I sat down, she twitched, I pulled her back into my side, she twitched some more, I kissed her brow, she sighed.

  I restarted the movie and this time I pulled her head to my lap and I played with her hair till she fell asleep. I wasn’t ruining us because we kiss good together.

  I need her. I need her friendship. I can just keep whacking off. It wasn’t so
bad.

  “Better take that to the fridge before the icing melts.” She steps away from me, indicating to the platter of shit and I look down at it again. At least it doesn’t smell like shit. It smells like sugar actually.

  “What is it?”

  She punches me in the chest. “It’s your birthday cake, asshole.”

  My lip pulls up at the side. I know beggars shouldn’t be choosers, and I know this is the first birthday cake that was ever made specifically for me, but I mean… it looks awful.

  “It’s Chewbacca. See, you can see the fur, I used a fork to make those lines, then these marshmallows are the studs on his belt. Then I used white chocolate buttons for his eyes. Can’t you see it?”

  “I’m sure it tastes nice.”

  “You’re an asshole.” She hits me again and I laugh at her attitude.

  “You look pretty today.”

  “Mmhmm, can’t charm me. Go put the cake in the damn fridge.”

  “Why fridge? We can eat it now.” I take her hand and lead her to the couch, then placing the platter on the coffee table I push her down to sit. I walk to the kitchen and come back with a couple forks, a couple beers and a bottle of scotch Bobby gave me for my birthday.

  “Mixer or a beer?”

  “Ugh, I hate scotch. I’ll take the beer, thanks.”

  I pass the beer to her and a fork, then I sit next to her and move as close as humanly possible without actually sitting on her. “Dig in.”

  “Not going to have dinner first?”

  I shrug my shoulder as my eyes devour the cake. Where to start? Chewy’s shit head? Or Chewy’s shit belt? “We can order whatever you want, Sunshine. But I‘m gonna eat my cake now.”

  She laughs softly. “You sound a little excited there, Leo.”

  I turn to her with a goofy smile. “I am. I’ve been waiting all month for my birthday since you promised a cake. Now it’s here and I had to wait all day.”

  “You’re lucky I’m not working tonight or you would have had to wait longer.”

  “That would have been a tragedy.”

  She leans to the side, resting her shoulder against mine and I smile. She’s still my best friend, and I’ve since realized we both have attachment issues. We like to touch. Always hugging, always leaning, always touching. “Did you have a nice day?”