Finding Redemption

by Emilia Finn

  Casey is gone.

  Even Izzy spends most her time at Bobby’s house these days.

  I train all day with my brothers, surrounded by people and noise, but I’m going home every night to an empty house that has nothing but shadows. The shadows follow me everywhere.

  Night after lonely night, everywhere I look, the shadows peek around corners, clawing their fingers into my skin, ruffling my hair in the invisible breeze, torturing me and sending me steadily crazy.

  I’ve been seeing Sonia for a couple weeks now; she’s helping a little, she’s not really bringing sunshine to my world like Casey does, but she’s kind of helping me open my eyes a little wider to find my own light. I don’t think there’s a girl in the world that can help me the way Casey does. The bar is set too high. But Sonia is helping.

  “Hey Jon, what’re you up to?”

  “Just got home. What’s up?”

  “Where’d you go this afternoon? You took off early.”

  I was with Sonia. “Nowhere. What’s up?”

  “Ah. We’re having dinner at ours tonight, you should come over.”

  “Yeah?” I pause at my front door as I slip the key into the lock. “Who’s going?” Please god, don’t say Casey. But also, please let her be there.

  “All of us.”

  “All?” Fuck. That means Casey.

  “Yeah. Listen.” I can hear the stress in Bobby’s voice and my eyes narrow as I kick my door closed and toss my keys on the table nearby. “Something’s up.”

  “Kitten okay?”

  “Yeah. No. I dunno. The girls are all being weird.”

  “Which girl?”

  Bobby pauses for a long minute. “All of them.”

  Fuck this vague shit. “Which one, B?”

  “Well, Izzy mostly. But the others are being weird too. Like they’re all keeping secrets.”

  I turn on my heel again, ready to go find them now. “What’s wrong with my sister, B?” I pick up my keys and swing my door open.

  “Nothing, Jon. Relax.”

  “Relax? Fuck you, Bobby. I’m on my way.”

  “No, just cool it for a sec. Don’t come yet.”

  “What the fuck is wrong with my baby sister, B?”

  “Nothing! Fuck, Jon. Calm down. She’s fine, I saw her literally twenty minutes ago. She was whole and safe and with the other two. She’s fine.”

  “She was with the other two? Kit and Casey?”

  “Yeah, she was with them both. We’re all gonna catch up tonight. I don’t even know what’s wrong, just that they’ve been a bit weird. I was ready to demand some answers today when Iz said she wanted to hang out tonight. She told me to call you too.”

  “Why didn’t she call me herself?”

  “Gee, I don’t know, Jon Fart. Probably because you’re a psycho and she knew you’d overreact.”

  “I’m on my way, asshole.”

  “No,” Bobby shouts over the phone. “No, seriously, don’t come yet. I feel like any sudden movements will spook them. Just follow the plan. Come over in an hour, we’re having pizza then we’ll make her talk.”

  I stop at the side of my truck and I rest my forearms on the top of the door. I groan. “Bobby.”

  “Just give them the hour. Don’t spook them, Jon. Please. I know she’s yours, but she’s mine too. I barely slept last night because Kit is keeping shit from me and my sister is walking around all sad and shit.”

  I close my eyes to fight off the heart ache. “She’s sad?”

  “Yeah. She’s a little down. Just take a breath and come here without your psycho pants on. We need to know their secret so we can help. We can’t help if they’re too scared to talk to us.”

  “Yeah.” He’s right. “Okay, B. I’ll be there in an hour.”

  “Alright. Take a breath, Jon. It’ll be okay.”

  Yeah, easy for him to say.

  ~*~

  Fifty-nine and a half minutes later, I pull up at Bobby’s house and I pick up my phone and dial.

  Her soft voice answers quickly. She was expecting my call, she’s worried for me. “Jon?”

  “Yeah. I just got here.”

  “Alright,” she murmurs kindly over the line. “It’ll be okay. Take a deep breath and hear them out. I know you’re worried, but let her talk.”

  “Yeah.” I’m trying. I’m really fucking trying to breathe through this shit, but every breath I take is pumping me up, readying me for war.

  “Call me after, if you want,” she finishes quietly and I close my eyes and try to let her smooth voice soothe me. It’s helped before, but right now, no.

  “Yeah. Okay, talk to you later.”

  “Bye Jon.”

  I climb out of my truck and head toward the front door just as I see Aiden pull up.

  Breathe. Breathe. Breathe through it.

  Fuck this.

  I swing the door wide at the same moment Aiden slams his hand down on my shoulder.

  “Jon--”

  I shrug him off and storm right through to the kitchen.

  Iz is at the head of the table, guarded by Kit and Casey and my heart snaps and stutters in my chest.

  She’s safe and alive.

  Izzy keeps her eyes downcast, staring at her cup of tea as though it’s speaking to her. My mouth goes dry.

  I know who made those cups of tea.

  I know who tied the teabag strings around the mug handles to anchor the bag and not let it fall into the hot liquid.

  My eyes turn to Casey, to my sunshine, and hers meet mine for the first time in too long. I’ve needed her, but for no reason at all she fucking dumped me. She left me like ten day old garbage without so much as a goodbye.

  I want to be mad at her. I fucking hate that she did that to me, but her pretty eyes captivate me and they slice me open.

  I’m a slave to her every whim.

  I never deserved her, I knew that all along, and I knew our time was limited. She’d figure it out eventually, but I didn’t think she’d just up and leave the way she did.

  She’s better than that. She’s not a cold person.

  For such a small fucking town, for such a close knit group of friends, she sure knows how to avoid a guy. For a woman that isn’t cold and mean, she sure knows how to cut me down with an icy glare.

  I tear my eyes away from hers before I drop to my knees and embarrass myself, then I look to Bobby.

  He’s shaking his head softly as he stands beside the girls. It’s girls against boys, or maybe just girls against me. But he’s on their side.

  Bobby chose the girls. He chose Kit.

  Not surprising. But it hurts all the same.

  I don’t bother speaking; Bobby’s silent no is enough. They’re not talking yet so I pull the dining chair out across from Iz and I sit down.

  I’m not even strong enough to hold my own weight right now. I haven’t slept properly in half a year. I’m fucking exhausted.

  “What’s going on?” Jim demands as he enters the kitchen, his presence solid and unwavering like a concrete wall. I watch the way Sissy’s face blanches as her eyes lift, then as the tears spill over.

  What the fuck?

  “Sissy?” My voice is fucking shaking. My whole body is shaking. I’ve looked after my sister since the day she was born. I know her, and I know she never cries. Never fucking ever. “Talk to us, please.”

  “Izzy?” Jim murmurs from behind me, his anger gone, replaced with a purely tortured expression. “Bubs. Please.”

  The hairs on the back of my neck stand and goosebumps cover my skin as Jim walks forward, separating the girls easily, then he takes my sister in his arms and she blubbers all over his chest.

  What the actual fuck?

  “Izzy?” Jim’s voice is soft like a caress, then his hand comes up to swipe at a tear beneath her eye. The exact way I would swipe at Casey’s tears.

  “Jimmy,” Iz cries as she leans on him.

  “Yeah Bubs?”

  Who the fuck is Bubs?

 
“Jimmy.”

  “Talk to me. Please.”

  Iz hiccups, swallowing down her cries as she leans into my little brother. “I need you to promise me something.”

  “Anything, you know that. Absolutely anything. Forever.”

  “Promise me,” she begs as her eyes continue to spill over. “Someday, probably not today, but someday… that you’ll forgive me.”

  “What are you talking about, Bubs? What happened?” Jim’s voice takes on a painful groan, squeezing my chest and freezing me in my seat. My brother doesn’t know that pain. That’s a pain only I could know. “Please tell me. There’s nothing to forgive, Bubs. There’s never anything to forgive.”

  “Just promise me you’ll try to forgive me?”

  “Bubs.” Jimmy groans.

  I look around the room, I need answers, but I come to a dead stop on Casey as she watches Jim and Sissy and her own eyes steadily flow with tears.

  I can literally feel a pain in my chest. This hurts. Whatever this is, this hurts so fucking bad.

  “I need the words!” Izzy snaps out and my eyes flip to her again.

  “Okay!” Jim says. “Okay. I promise. I’ll always be here for you. I’ll always forgive you… I’ll always love you, Izzy.”

  I stand up as Iz pulls away from Jim’s embrace, as she wipes her tears away, as she turns to face the rest of us with a broken heart painted across her face.

  Izzy meets my gaze for a quick second; she’s terrified. I’m terrified. This is bad. This is probably the day I die.

  Casey and Kit stand up too, picking up a plain white envelope from the table, an envelope I hadn’t noticed before now, then they meet Izzy in the middle of the room and turn back towards me.

  This is for me. This whole show is for me.

  The three girls join hands and my heart gives a single final thump in my chest.

  This is going to hurt.

  “Umm,” Iz begins as she clears her throat in the otherwise silent room. “Okay, I need you all to hear me out. Don’t freak out. Please.”

  I just can’t handle this anymore. I can’t handle the drama. I can’t handle the heartbreak or the anxious silences. “Get to the fucking point, Isabelle.

  “Jonathan.”

  My eyes snap to Casey’s, to my sunshine as she addresses me directly for the first time in almost six months. She breaks my heart by leaving me. She breaks my heart by looking into my eyes with hers full of tears. Why didn’t she want me? Why’d she leave me?

  “Listen. Don’t react.”

  “Sissy.” Bobby steps toward them but he stops. He doesn’t dare cross the drawn battle lines.

  “Okay, fine,” Iz says on a deep exhalation. “Umm, so…” She shoots one last broken glance at Jim before her eyes meet mine again. Hers beg my forgiveness, they sparkle with a deep sorrow and I can literally feel my heart trying to beat its way out of my chest.

  “I’m pregnant.”

  Red fills my vision.

  “I’m having a baby.”

  My body floods with adrenaline. I want to pick the kitchen table up and smash it down on whoever did this to her. I want to pick this whole fucking house up and smash it down on whoever did this to her. With the way I’m feeling right now, I think I could easily do it too.

  I storm toward my sister, en-fucking-raged at this bullshit. How could she? Why would she do this? I don’t know what I intend to do when I get to her, but Bobby steps in between us, blocking my path.

  “What the fuck, Iz! What the hell is wrong with you?” I shove hard against Bobby but he’s a solid brick wall. He’s not moving. “Why would you be so stupid?”

  I don’t even know most of what I say while I scream at my baby sister, as I scream at Bobby, but all I can think about is all the hard work I put in, all the beatings I took to shield her, all the other stuff. She’s a baby herself. I held her on my chest most nights for the first several years of her life. I slept with her as my little spoon for many years after that.

  I starved so she could eat.

  I shielded her from their poison. I took Wayne and Shirley’s poison for her. I took my share and I took hers too.

  Why? Why bother if she’s just going to repeat the cycle? If she’s to become a teen mother and breed feral kids who have to learn quick to dodge a fist. And more.

  What the fuck was it all for?

  “Jon!” Kit tries to step out from under Bobby’s arm, but I can’t stop screaming at Iz. I can’t stop shoving against Bobby. I can’t stop. I can’t control my shit.

  I’m reliving a million memories, a million nightmares. A million pairs of disgusting old man hands as they grab at me, as they hold me down and shove my face in a pillow.

  I can’t breathe when my mouth and nose are covered by the bedding, but I still felt the pain. I still felt it all.

  Why would she do this to me?

  Why doesn’t she care what I sacrificed for her?

  “Jon.” Casey slips out from behind Bobby and steps between us, sliding her tiny body between ours and placing her soft hands on my chest. “Jon. Stop.”

  I can’t stop. These things I endured, the things I shielded Izzy from are the exact reasons why I can’t have someone as good and pure as Case. My life was ruined, I purposely stepped into the line of fire to shield my baby sister, and now it’s all for naught.

  “Leo,” Case whispers as she rubs her palms soothingly on my chest. “Please stop.”

  “Can we please sit down? Can we talk?”

  My eyes snap away from Casey’s beautiful green eyes, the swirling colors calming me and I didn’t even know it, then I look at Iz again and feel the rage refill my body.

  I look back to Casey. “Did you know about this?” Then to Kit. “Did you fucking know?”

  Bobby pins me with a glare. “Watch it, Jon.”

  “We found out last night,” Kit says calmly, slowly, like she’s speaking to a trapped lion. How the fuck is she calm right now? “We all found out last night.”

  I look back to Iz, noting the hurt in her eyes. She’s hurt and she’s scared… and she’s still my baby sister.

  I let out a painful breath as I try to think of Sonia and breathe through my shit.

  Casey’s hands on my chest and Sonia’s words in my head are the only things stopping me from rampaging the fuck over my brother right now.

  He’s an innocent in this, but I need something. I need someone to help me ease this pain. I need to hit something. I need to get this feral energy out of my body. It hurts to hold it in.

  With one last glare at Iz, I step away from Casey and Bobby and I go back to my seat.

  I need to breathe. I need to stop and think before I spill my guts about my whole fucking life all over this room.

  I watch as everyone else slowly sits again, as everyone surrounds the table except Jim. He’s gone. I don’t fucking care right now. He and I have business to discuss too.

  Him and his ‘Bubs, I love you’ bullshit. I’ll beat that shit out of him next time I see him.

  No one speaks for a long time, no one is brave enough to break the silence.

  I need answers. I need answers before my pained heart gives out completely.

  My whole life can’t have been for nothing. Iz was worth it. It has to have been worth it. Worth the pain. Worth Casey.

  “What happened, Izzy? How did this happen?”

  Her sad eyes meet mine again. “It just did. I don’t know, it was an accident, obviously.”

  I frown as I try to process this shit. “You’re pregnant? Like, expecting an actual baby?” This can’t be real. Izzy is still a baby herself.

  “Yeah, Jon. There’ll be a baby here sometime in early January.

  “January? So you’re--”

  “I’m nine weeks. Thirty-one to go according to the ultrasound lady today.”

  My eyes snap back up to hers. “Ultrasound? You’ve already seen…” The vermin. The thing that is half Hart inside her. My parents’ bloodline on repeat. “… it?”

&
nbsp; “Yeah. I made an appointment this morning.”

  “Whose is it?” I can’t help the growled words as they rip up my throat and through tight lips. Who fucking dared touch my baby sister? He won’t have hands tomorrow. “Fucking Ben.” I spit out when I remember the guy she’s been dating. She mentioned Ben a few weeks back. I wanted to break his face then. I want to break his fucking neck today. “I’m going to kill that f--”

  “Yes,” Izzy cuts me off with a sigh. “The baby is Bens.”

  Bobby sits up taller in his seat. “Ben, the ex-boyfriend?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Does he know?”

  “No.”

  “What are you going to do about…” the half Hart, half Ben, “…it?”

  “I’ll be keeping it.”

  “Izzy,” I sigh. “It’s not too late to… you know. This can be fixed. Your life doesn’t have to change.” Surprising even myself, that actually hurt to say. She’s just a baby, she doesn’t need this, but the thought of killing that baby hurts me already. How the fuck did my heart already get attached to… it?

  “My life has already changed, Jon. I’ll be keeping my baby. I can do this, I can do it on my own.”

  I shake my head at the ridiculous idea that she’d be alone. No. “You won’t be alone, Sissy. I’ll help you.”

  I look up as Casey knuckles a stray tear away from her eyes and I frown. I don’t like seeing her tears. Even after six months of nothing, I still love her. I still care about her and her hurts.

  “Can we see?” Jack asks from over my right shoulder. “The scan,” he clarifies with an embarrassed tinge to his cheeks.

  I look back to Iz and the envelope on the table in front of her. “Yeah. Is that a picture of…” My niece or nephew. My family. “… the baby?”

  “Yeah, umm. Okay.” Iz shakily passes the envelope to me. “Here.”

  I take the seemingly inoffensive envelope from her and I peel the flap open. I take out a small image, a grainy picture of… well. Nothing. It’s just black and white dots, and possibly a jelly bean if you squint the right way.

  “I don’t see it,” Jack murmurs from close over my shoulder. Aiden grunts his agreement from over my other shoulder.

  “Yeah,” Sissy lets out a soft watery laugh. “It’s kind of just a blob. But the lady showed us his tiny arms and legs on the screen.