Finding Redemption

by Emilia Finn

  Jon turns and darts out of the shower stall, then he’s back and his jeans are completely gone before I even get a chance to think this through. Jon rips the condom packet open, sheathing himself in half a beat, then he picks me up and slams me against the wall, pinning me with his hips and planting his dick deep inside me.

  We both moan, both of our heads falling against the other’s shoulders and we bite down.

  “Jon,” I mumble against his solid traps as he pushes into me and groans out in pure unadulterated pleasure. We can be so good together. We feel so good together.

  “Casey,” he groans as his hands squeeze my ass and my tail bone bounces off the tiles and back onto him.

  My arms wrap around his neck and hold him to me as Jon’s right hand slides up my body. He grabs my hair roughly, pulling my face up then his teeth latch onto my exposed neck as he continues to fuck me against the wall.

  “You feel so good, Case. So fuckin’ good.”

  “Mmm.”

  “I’ve missed you.”

  My legs quiver against him, the fire pooling low in my belly moving lower. “I’ve missed you too. So much.”

  “I’m not going to last, Sunshine. It’s been too long. I’ve been waiting too long for this.” His hand leaves my hair again and snakes down between us, and though I know what he was intending to do, the second his fingertips touch my throbbing clit I explode from the inside out, squeezing him with my legs, my arms, my pulsing pussy.

  Jon cries out as soon as my orgasm takes me under, his hips jutting roughly against me, slamming me against the tiles time and time again.

  His orgasm goes on forever, he continues to push into me long enough that mine quickly rebuilds and detonates around him a second time.

  For the first time in my life, I’ve come twice in a row, and of course it’s with this man. Of course it’s Jon Hart of the eternal bachelorhood.

  Dammit.

  We both remain still for a long while, our chest’s deep breathing and Jon’s dick twitching inside me our only movement as he holds me up. My breath is coming hard, my head swimming as I try to catch my breath and breathe through the hot wet steam from the shower.

  As though he could hear my thoughts, Jon’s hand swings to the taps and he shuts them both off, then his hands come back to me, one cupping my ass and one cupping my cheek.

  “Hey.”

  I look up into his warm eyes and I smile despite the fact I may have just set myself directly in front of a semi-truck called Heartbreak again.

  Jon’s lips softly come down on mine. “You okay?”

  I nod my head. “Yeah.”

  “Did I hurt you?”

  I shake my head. “No.”

  Jon smirks proudly. “Did you just come twice?”

  I laugh at his stupid ego inflated comment and I slap his shoulder. “Put me down you big ape.”

  “No,” he murmurs softly as his lips softly peck mine again.

  “No?”

  “Not till you admit that I made you come twice.” He bites my bottom lip softly and I giggle like an idiot schoolgirl.

  I roll my eyes at his expectant gaze. “You think you’re hot shit?”

  “I know I’m hot shit. I just fucked you against a wall and I felt you come twice. I’ve been waiting a long ass time to do that with you.”

  I shiver in his arms, not because I’m cold, but Jon mistakes it for cold so he steps away and gently sets me on my feet. He reaches outside of the shower door and grabs an ugly brown towel, deceptively fluffy, then he wraps it around my shoulders and pats me dry.

  He kisses my lips softly one last time then he steps out and peels the condom off as I watch his back muscles bunch with each movement.

  He quickly washes his hands then he comes back to me, picking me up again like I’m a toy a kid carts around from one activity to the next.

  I hit his shoulder at his cave man behavior; he was always touchy feely. We always sat with each other, on each other, touching each other, and I always slept on him or wrapped around him like a vine. But the ass slapping and carrying me around is different.

  “Where are we going?”

  He chuckles. “We’re going exactly where I put you last time.”

  “I still didn’t brush my teeth,” I joke as I hang upside down over his shoulder and wait for him to put me where he wants me.

  “You had your chance, now it’s bedtime.”

  I laugh as he throws me down on his bed again then whips my towel away. I watch his muscular body as he struts naked across his room, then as his hand swipes out and shuts the light off. I listen as he walks through the dark toward me. The bed moves as his weight comes down to his knees, then as though I truly was a rag doll that weighs nothing, he picks me up by wrapping an arm around my waist, and lifting me, he pulls back the covers and puts me in. Jon climbs in next to me and I sigh quietly as our naked and warm skin slides against each other’s.

  We’ve done this a million times before but the completely bare skin is new and adds an entirely new element of intimacy to what we share.

  Jon turns to his back, then smooth as a practiced move, as though our time apart never dimmed his skills, he pulls me on top so our chests rest against each other’s and my face rests above his heart. Jon’s lips press down on my hair softly. “Go to sleep, Sunshine. Welcome home.”

  I kiss Jon’s chest, something I wouldn’t normally do, but everything is different now. I kiss his tattooed skin then I smile as he sighs and the hot breath bathes my hair.

  “I’m so tired,” he murmurs.

  I know. He hasn’t slept in six months either. “Rest now, Leo. I’m here.”

  Nineteen

  Jon

  I Kicked The Pupp(ies)

  July 4, 2015

  I watch Casey as she walks down my mom’s garden path, as she matches her steps to the music playing over the speakers, as her beautiful soft yellow gown sways in the perfect summer breeze.

  And I watch her beautiful smiling eyes land on mine.

  I’ve finally got her back and I’m not letting her go without a fight.

  I told her when it’s time for her to move on I’d let her go. I was trying to tell the truth. I feel like I was telling the truth. But damn, why can’t she settle on me? Why can’t I give her what she wants?

  Because she’s going to want a family one day, and I can’t give that to her.

  Casey stops beside Izzy on the other side of Bobby, then the music changes and Kit comes wandering down the aisle in her pretty dress.

  I’m vaguely aware of my hand holding Bobby’s belt to stop him from bolting to snatch her away, then Kit running to him anyway and launching herself into his arms, then of Casey slapping Kit’s ass to get her groping self off my brother.

  I know this is all happening around me, I know people are laughing and it’s a happy day, I know all this, but I can’t stop staring at Casey.

  I’m in love with my best friend. Deep, pains in the chest, probably going to die if she ever leaves me again, deep in love. And though I want to be happy, I know we’re on the clock. We’ve always been on the clock.

  She’s not mine to keep because she’s entirely too good for me. I can’t taint her, though damn, I want to. I want to grab her and hold her down here with me in the fiery pits of hell rather than let her fly the way only she can.

  But real, true, deep, pain in the chest love means selflessness. I can’t hold her down because she was always meant to fly.

  But I’ll look at her, I’ll cherish her, I’ll make love to her for as long as I can.

  So far on our second time around she’s given me seven amazing nights. She’s been in my bed, in my home, in my skin every night. She’s given her body to me.

  This has been the best seven days of my life.

  She does that for me.

  She’s mine until it’s time for her to move on, so I’ll make the most of it and hope that we can both escape this unscathed.

  A couple hours later after posing for a
trillion pictures, then of Kit and Bobby conspicuously sneaking away for a quickie, Mike as emcee for the night calls upon the bride and groom for their first dance.

  Two minutes after that, two minutes too long, I stand and take Casey’s hand and smile when her uncertain eyes meet mine. I want to dance with her, I want to feel her against me, I want to lay some kind of claim, even if it’s quiet and mostly goes unnoticed. I want people to see her dancing with me. I want her to be mine. To be seen as mine.

  “Dance with me, Sunshine?”

  She smirks as she looks up through her long lashes, then she nods and stands as I push her chair back.

  I hold her hand in mine across my body, then I place my other hand on her lower back and steer her to the middle of the floor.

  Kit and Bobby are alone, then after we join them several other couples get up too.

  “So…” Casey murmurs as she lays her sweet face on my chest and we sway.

  I smile. “So what?”

  “Your boy got hitched. You jealous?”

  I laugh at her smart words. “Jealous of what?”

  “Jealous that the kitten took him off the market. No more 188 nights for you to go meet girls.” She smiles and laughs against my coat pocket when I squeeze her. “No more Jon and Bobby, huh. It’s the end of an era.”

  I laugh at her doomsday prediction. “Well, not much has really changed. He’s been practically married for months. They just have a contract now.”

  “A contract,” Casey snorts as she gently slaps my arm. “You’re such a romantic, Jon.” We sway in each other’s arms for a while, enjoying the sweet moment, enjoying the quiet.

  “I wonder when he’s gonna be a daddy?” Casey murmurs against my chest. “I bet they’ll try soon enough.”

  “Well there’s no rush,” I tell her with a frown. “We’re all still young. They have years ahead of them.”

  “No,” she ponders softly. “I don’t think they’ll wait. Look at them.” She nods discreetly toward the loved up couple as they dance close and whisper sweet words. “I bet there’ll be babies everywhere soon. Starting with Bean.”

  I flinch at her words. I’m still not ready to face that reality, but Casey seems intent on pushing me into it. She’s tried a few times this week and I’ve shut it down every time.

  Casey nods toward my baby sister as she sits quietly at the table we just left. “Look at her, Jon. She needs your support.”

  I frown. “I am supporting her. I’ll put that kid through school when it’s time.” Anything to minimize the chance of repeating history. Anything.

  Casey lifts her head from my chest and scowls at me. “I don’t mean financially, Jon. I mean she needs you to hug her and tell her it’s okay. She needs you to forgive her.”

  “It’s not that easy, Case. I’ll always love her, I’ll always support her. But I don’t have to love all of her decisions. All of her actions.”

  “I get it Jon, I do. But she’s not a baby anymore. She’s a woman and she’s having a baby. You need to--”

  I take a small step back, keeping her in my arms but putting some distance between us. I’m already shaking as memories assault me. “You can’t possibly think this is okay. She’s a kid!”

  “She’s a woman, Jon. And shit happens, but she needs you to support her. Your disappointment hurts her.”

  How am I the bad guy here?

  “Yeah, well her having sex and making a baby hurts me. I can’t believe she’d be so fucking stupid.” I ignore the way Casey’s eyes drop, the way her brows furrow and her soft body turns hard. “Babies don’t come out of nowhere, Casey. She had unsafe sex. She’s smarter than that. I thought she knew better than that.”

  “Sometimes even smart people make mistakes, Jon. It only takes one time to create that heartbeat.”

  “She knows better!” I snap quietly. “And she knows what runs in our veins. She’s creating another one of us, she’s ensuring our bloodline lives on when we should let it die with us.”

  Casey’s body snaps back from mine as though I hit her. That’s not my intention. This isn’t what I was intending to happen today. I just wanted to dance with her. “You want it to die with you?”

  “You bet your ass. We’ve already talked about this, Casey. I won’t be contributing to passing this poison on. I can’t in good conscience pass this shit on.”

  Casey’s warm body, the pliant and loving limbs I’ve known all week has turned cold and hard. Rigid and unwavering as her eyes turn soft. Not a good soft. A very bad soft. “Yeah.”

  “Bobby. Look.”

  I turn toward Kit as her voice cuts through the blood roaring in my ears, then Casey and I follow her gaze to Jimmy as he stiffly approaches my sister. After a short talk and several awkward glances, he drags her to the dance floor only feet away from us.

  Casey’s right; Izzy’s heart is breaking and if what I’ve heard this past week is true, her heart belongs to my little brother.

  How the fuck did that happen?

  When Sissy detaches herself from Jim with big fat tears in her eyes, Casey steps away from me with a similar kicked in the gut expression.

  “I’ll go.”

  Fuck.

  Twenty

  Tink

  Rinse and Repeat

  The next eighteen months of my life pass much the same way the previous twelve did. Jon and I were Leo and Sunshine. He was my best friend, he was my closest confidant, he was my constant lover.

  Except when he wasn’t.

  I was a twenty-seven year old miniature barmaid with no college education and no actual future with a man or a family planned.

  I had a twenty-eight year old emotionally stunted, commitment-phobe, though gentle and thorough loving, sometimes boyfriend who doesn’t actually use the word boyfriend because that borders on commitment.

  I had a grown man that never had a chance to be a boy, so now he uses me for that security blanket, the pacifier, the maternal touch.

  Except when he doesn’t.

  Sometimes he’s with other women.

  We’re not exclusive, we never said we were, and after the first month of Jon and I being ‘back together,’ Jon’s attention started wandering.

  He’d get home late some nights and wouldn’t explain his whereabouts. Those times resulted in us having an epic fight the way only best friends could, then I’d go back to my real home and I’d pout for a day, a week, a month at a time.

  Jon would always come for me, he’d throw me over his shoulder and he’d drag me back to his place.

  Other times he’d take calls from girls. He would never ever talk to them in front of me, just a hushed ‘I can’t talk right now’ then he’d hang up, sit down and put his head in my lap like a not so well-trained Scooter.

  That would result in another epic fight and the cycle would repeat. He doesn’t want me, he just doesn’t want to share me either.

  Surprisingly, I seem to be coping better now than I did after the first rejection. I’ve been successful; I’ve numbed my heart somewhat and now I’m essentially in a legitimate friends-with-benefits arrangement.

  This was never what I planned but it’s where I’m at. And my friend is a douche a lot of the time.

  I mourned my lost baby for a long time, I still do, but just like with Jon, I’ve become numb to it.

  A couple months after Iz’s announcement, I suggested a baby shower at Nell’s house because despite Jon’s end of the world attitude about Bean, she was a miracle no matter who her parents are. Piece of shit Ben and Izzy’s supposed poisonous bloodline be damned.

  Any baby is a miracle. That’s my niece and I was going to celebrate her.

  By the time Iz officially moved out of Jon’s house and into her new place, Jon was coming around.

  He was a damn mess. He was worried sick about her, but despite his insistence that nothing good could come of it all, he began to accept it was happening.

  He tried to set up a nursery for his niece, and even if he messed it up and cam
e to the rest of us girls for help, my heart both swelled and broke to see Jon in a baby goods store comparing cribs and buying cute outfits.

  He was accepting her. He even told me he already loved her. She was his niece, his family, and he was finally looking forward to meeting her.

  That should’ve been our baby. He should’ve been able to accept his own child one day. But he wouldn’t. He refused. He broke my heart over and over again.

  By the time the nursery was set up and ready for the reveal, I faked a work shift and I got the hell out of dodge. I couldn’t watch him fawn all over Izzy’s eight months pregnant belly anymore.

  I was happy for her. I loved her and I loved Bean. I even really loved that Iz and Jim would eventually get together and create their perfect family.

  But love and envy aren’t mutually exclusive.

  I could feel both.

  I did feel both.

  My heart was hardening and I was becoming a bitter bitch.

  When Bean was finally born and Jon rushed to be by their side in the hospital, I couldn’t be there. I couldn’t watch him hold a baby that shared his blood.

  The times he declared her as ‘his’ sliced me open. The times he fawned over that tiny baby, which was always, hurt me so bad.

  I was becoming more and more bitter as time passed, though most of the time I put on a good show.

  I love Iz and Jim and Bean. But I was jealous. So fucking jealous because not only had I lost mine, but it was never going to happen for me in the future. I had one single scarred tube left. Even if I had a man who actually wanted to marry and make babies with me, it still wasn’t going to happen.

  I was broken in more ways than anyone will ever know.

  Time passed and our group grew.

  Bobby married Kit. They were trying for a baby.

  Jimmy finally got his girl; he married her and he already had his baby. And he was never quiet about his intentions to knock her up again as soon as possible.

  Aiden met his girl; Tina waltzed into town and became one of us. Tina brought Evie along for the ride and that pipsqueak stole everyone’s hearts.