by CORY CYR
“That’s what friends do. I was hoping you’d give me some insight. I care about this man, but I’ve lied to him a lot.”
“I’ve never known you to lie. You’re one of the most honest people I’ve ever known. Did all these years apart really change you that much?”
“It wasn’t just the time passing, Tiff; it’s everything that happened. There’s so much you don’t know. Count yourself lucky, because if you could actually see me, you’d be appalled.”
“Bullshit. I know what you’re saying. Two years after I met my husband, I started having him read anything he could find about you. You broke my heart by shutting me out. Then you fell off the planet, and I couldn’t find zip. Is it bad, the way you look? Brady would never quite give me the entire answer. He always stalled. You know how intuitive I was. I still am.”
I exhaled. A pain gathered in my chest. “Yeah, it’s not good. I won’t go into detail, but let’s just say on that perfect 10 scale, I wouldn’t even rate. The windshield did a number on my face, especially around my mouth.”
“Oh, Jensyn, is that what you’ve been lying about to this man?”
“He doesn’t even know who I was or what I looked like. Did I tell you he’s only twenty-five?”
“You whore,” she teased.
“You cum-guzzling gutter slut,” I replied with a snort.
She cackled. “Reminds me of the old days. I really want to see you,” she stated dryly, with a pause. “You know what I mean. Now tell me about your guy.”
“I’m at a loss of what I should do. Do I tell him? The worst part of all of this is wanting him to stay blind. What kind of evil, self-centered, sadistic person wishes that for a man she…?” I couldn’t finish the sentence.
“A terrified woman that got her ass handed to her because of unfortunate events. I’ll admit I am shocked you’re keeping this from him, but I can understand it. But I’m not condoning this. You do know if he finds out from someone else, he’ll be furious and hurt. How serious is this thing with him?”
“His feelings seem genuine, but I’m in no position to judge. He’s the first man in my life since the incident. The groundskeeper and my shrink don’t count.” I chuckled. “I really like him. He’s smart and funny, and the sex is off the charts. Then again…”
“Does he know your closest friend in the world is blind?”
“He hardly knows anything about me except for my age. I met him through my therapist. I can’t tell you more. I wish I could, but he’s rather well known and his impairment is being kept a secret for now. Basically, his story isn’t mine to tell. I just needed someone to talk to. I’m happy you didn’t hang up on me, because it would be justified. I truly do apologize because I have missed you so much, and now I’ve forfeited everything that has happened to you while we’ve been apart. We were supposed to share everything and grow old together.”
“You and I are going to have years to rehash the good old days, and I’ll catch you up to speed on my entire life. By the time I’m done, it will seem as though we’ve never been apart. We hadn’t decided where to take the family vacation next year. Now we have. After I talk to Brady, I’ll call you back and we’ll schedule everything.”
My hand trembled holding the phone. “Are you sure you want your kids to meet me? I look scary.”
“Stop it, Jen. I raised my children to love everyone and only judge a person on how they treat you. You forget how bullied I was. My babies are very open. I have to warn you they may ask questions. Vacation time isn’t until next year anyway. So both of us have plenty of time to be honest with those we love. And in case you’re not sure, that was a hint. I expect you to open up to your guy. Tell him the truth. If he can’t handle it, he wasn’t worthy of you anyway.”
“Easy for you to say. You have the fairy-tale life, the one you always dreamed about. You and I were supposed to have the same thing.”
“Oh please. I knew by the time I was fifteen that would never happen. You were too beautiful and perfect. Your life was cemented in the fashion industry. I always thought I’d be left behind, but you never did that, and I was grateful. You introduced me to culture and traveling; you let me visualize it all without sight. I want to help you any way I can. Just remember one thing. I always knew how beautiful you were without ever seeing you because your soul filled the room with warmth. Never underestimate your path.”
I sighed. “Still reading those metaphysical books.”
Tiffany laughed. “All the time. Drives my hubby nuts.”
We spoke another thirty minutes, then said good night. The water was now cold and the bubbles flat. I put the phone on the sink as I grabbed a towel. It was as though Tiffany and I had crammed seventeen years of lost time into one hour. My life was changing. I had a man that cared for me and my best friend back in my life. It had taken too many years to get to this point.
I now had a time limit on telling Lincoln the truth. I honestly didn’t know if I could do it. The fear of losing him was too great. Would he accept that excuse when he asked me why I waited?
This was his brother’s fault. Lucas had set this up, and I couldn’t even bitch about it at tomorrow’s session because my time with his brother was off-limits. The fact was I’d still be trapped in my own self-loathing existence if it hadn’t been for Lincoln. I didn’t know if I wanted to chance going back there.
Chapter 11
Even though we’d technically only slept together twice, waking up without him felt odd. It was hard to believe how attached I’d become in a short amount of time. I was sure Lucas would “shrink me” and say it had everything to do with me being complacent. My fears were diminished because Lincoln couldn’t see. And maybe that was partially true, but I had a feeling of peace, and that was definitely an emotion I hadn’t known for a long time.
“You missed your last two appointments,” Dr. Bass noted as I sat down.
“Your brother was more work than I expected. I apologize for not calling.”
“Judging from your appearance, I’ll go out on a limb and say things have been going well,” he commented, flipping open his notepad.
“I thought we agreed my time with your brother was off-limits here.”
His eyes grilled me. “Whoa. It was a non-intrusive observance. I just happened to notice you seem different. Let’s move on, then. How are you feeling?”
Sexually and emotionally fulfilled. Your brother can fuck. “Fine. I think having something to do with my time other than dwell on the past is good.”
He nodded while scribbling. “I concur. You appear much more relaxed.”
“Well, appearances can fool you. Still have a fucked-up face. Nothing’s going to alter that.”
He turned the pad over on his lap, crossing tanned legs. “I realize nothing will change that fact, but maybe things look a little less dismal for you.”
I knew I had to give him something. “I spoke to an old friend yesterday. We talked on the phone for over an hour.”
“That’s progress, Jensyn. What made you reach out to her?”
I hedged, shifting my legs. “Tiffany lost her sight at twelve. I just thought it might be helpful in dealing with your brother’s situation.”
“Was that the only reason? It must have been hard to pick up the phone and ask for advice after so many years. It seems she was receptive. That makes me quite happy.”
“I screwed up by cutting her out of my life. She didn’t deserve being put in the same pile with those assholes who shunned me. I abandoned her. I knew she tried reaching out for over two years after I was first injured. I forced her to give up by turning away.”
“Well, clearly she understood, because it sounds as though your call was a success. It’s real progress. You need someone.” He lowered his voice. “I think every woman needs a BFF.” He chuckled.
“She plans to vacation here next year. She’s married with kids. That was always her dream, and she achieved it.”
“And what was your dream? I mean, when you and s
he talked about the future,” he asked, pushing up his glasses.
I twisted my hands together before placing them across my lap. “My life had already been mapped out. I always thought after I got old—” I stopped, snorting. “I’d retire from the runway and get hundreds of offers to be the spokesmodel for a cosmetic line. Or I’d start my own clothing or perfume company. I had big aspirations. I also wanted to have someone love me and maybe children. I guess none of those were in the cards for me.”
Dr. Bass leaned toward me. “Jensyn, you still have time. Finding someone who loves you isn’t out of the realm of possibility. But in order to achieve a goal, you have to put forth effort. Love isn’t just going to fall into your life. You cannot allow your past to control your present.”
I shrugged. “I know. It’s hard to break that cycle. How do I get the masses to see the real me instead of the fractured shell? No one seems to get past my face.”
“Maybe that’s why you called Tiffany. She’s a safe bet. She can only see who you are inside, not cosmetically. I told you previously; beauty is so much more than physical. Your looks would have eventually faded anyway—”
I stopped him. “Are you telling me as I aged, my face would look like this?” I skimmed my hand over my scars. “That’s not encouraging for mature women everywhere buying expensive skincare lines. I’ll never be allowed to age gracefully because of these.”
“I’m going to keep saying this until you believe it. You are still a beautiful woman.”
“You’re wasting your breath, because the public and my own reflection tells me otherwise,” I retorted sarcastically.
“You’re being totally unfair to the millions who loved you. Those adoring fans, not the pricks in the industry. Did you know my brother had your ‘Perfect 10’ poster above his bed? Don’t ever tell him I told you this, but you were probably his first wet dream.”
I could sense my face losing color as I processed what he said. Lincoln had worshipped who I used to be. Knowing that one thing changed everything. I was furious. “You knew this and you asked me to help your brother anyway? What the hell do you think will happen when he finds out who I really am? He probably still has some fantasy about me stuck in his psyche.”
He sighed, removing his onyx-rimmed glasses. “Kind of overreacting, aren’t we?”
No, I’m having sex with your brother, and he has feelings for me. “You should have told me this when you asked me to help Lincoln. It was unfair to keep this information.”
“Jensyn, he was eleven or twelve years old. I doubt he even remembers. He had other posters, too. Your alarm is for nothing. The only way he’ll ever know the truth is if you decide to tell him. And I hope you do. My brother doesn’t have a judgmental bone in his body. He’d most likely be empathetic and probably do some fanboying.”
I sliced my hand through the air. “This conversation is closed. We agreed to never discuss your brother, and I’m holding you to it.”
“You seem overly upset. I always want you at ease when you leave here. Would you like me to give you something?”
Yes, peace and quiet and maybe your balls on a spit. “No, I’ll be fine. I have to go. I have errands to run before I get back to work with your brother. See you at the end of the week.” I stood, snatching my purse and retreating toward the door.
“Jensyn, I’m sorry. Clearly, you’ve taken my concern out of context and overreacted.”
I turned and waved it off. “Just a bad day. Don’t worry about it. After all these months, I’m positive this isn’t the first time you’ve witnessed my distress. You should know me by now. It’s going to take more than a couple weeks working with your brother and gaining some aspects of normalcy to change years of behavior patterns.”
He grinned, then laughed. “Damn, you sound more like me than I do. Have you been reading Psychology Today?”
“I know you think I’m not listening to everything you say, but some of it resonates with me. Now, don’t get too cocky. I stated some; the rest of it sounds like rhetorical bullshit.”
He walked with me to the front door. “You’re making excellent progress. I’m very impressed you repaired the relationship with your friend. I think it’s extremely important to have strong friendships, someone you can turn to. You did well. I hope this upswing continues, and I promise no more chitchat regarding my brother. When you’re comfortable and you feel the need, then we’ll talk, but only if you want to. And, Jensyn, I won’t ever reveal your secret. I told you when I suggested helping him that you could trust me, and I don’t ever renege on my promises.”
I nodded, heading toward my car. Using the driver’s side mirror, I checked my concealer and adjusted my hat. I normally shopped online or had Anai do it, but I needed a few things. This would require me to accomplish a feat I hadn’t attempted in years.
I drove to a mall and sat in my car for twenty minutes while I tried to work up the courage to walk in. Hiding behind oversized sunglasses and a floppy sun hat, I clutched my purse as though it were a security blanket and began poking around a few boutiques. No one was really paying attention to me. I was just another shopper.
“Can I help you, miss?” I heard someone ask to the left of me.
I turned slowly, tilting down the tip of my hat. The male sales clerk was about Lincoln’s age, maybe younger. Attractive with kind eyes.
“Actually, I’m looking for a gift. Maybe cologne. I don’t know.” I laughed nervously. “I haven’t known him that long, so I don’t want it very personal.”
“Cologne is always a safe choice. Any idea what he prefers in a scent.”
I shrugged. “Not a clue.”
He guided me toward a glass counter where men’s fragrances were tastefully displayed. “So is your man a serious indoor one or an adventurous outdoor type?”
“Kind of both, but he really loves the water.”
“All right, we have a place to start. Theoretically, it’s more about you and what fragrance you like. Frankly, I don’t think the male species cares if it smells good to them as long as you love it. Try these.” He handed me three bottles.
The second one was definitely Lincoln. Light, fresh, and reminded me of our time on the beach. “I like this one very much,” I said, handing him the bottle.
He smiled earnestly. “Good choice. It’s one of my favorites. Did you want this gift wrapped?”
“I guess so. Why not?” I looked around the store as he brought out paper. There were some beautiful items. It had been years since I’d gone shopping in a mall. Even when I was famous, I could never just go anywhere I wanted without stirring up a crowd. But no one knew who I was now, and if they noticed my scars, they didn’t care. I’d allowed my insecurities of what others would think imprison me. Times had changed, but unfortunately, I’d stayed frozen in my past.
“Here you go. That will be ninety-three even. I hope he enjoys it.”
I paid and thanked him. I carried my boutique bag into the next store. I decided just this once, I was going to purchase a swimsuit in person. There were dozens and dozens of beautiful Hawaiian-print suits. I wasn’t even sure what size I wore. I’d always guessed. I grabbed four different styles and sizes. I felt giddy trying them on but became frustrated because the lighting made my face look harsh and emphasized my scars. I surveyed my skin closely, my nose pressed against the full-length mirror as I stood in my underwear. I removed my hat and used my hand to pile my long blond hair on top of my head. I turned from side to side.
My skin looked lightly tanned even under the garish lights, and my boobs were still upright. Gravity hadn’t totally fucked me over. After trying on the different styles, I chose the one-piece. Yellow with side cutouts, it was sexy as hell but still geared for a woman my age. It sure as hell would look better than the skirted ones I always wore. After that purchase, I bought a bottle of perfume, three large containers of bath crystals, and a pair of rhinestone-embellished flip-flops.
As I returned to my car, I passed a Victoria’s Secret. I
gazed into the window for a while before going in. Lincoln couldn’t see, but he could touch. Just once, I wanted to feel like the woman I used to be. I purchased several bras with matching thongs and a tank with boxers for sleeping. No one bothered me. No one stared. From the back, wearing a hat, I was just another woman buying sexy lingerie.
My final stop was the bookstore. I bought the rest of the Maxwell Swan series I didn’t have. I smiled, wondering what Lincoln would inscribe if he could see. I dumped five large bags into the car, then stopped at Kalani’s drive-thru for a coffee. I hadn’t felt this free since my twenties. I was in a happy place, at least for now.
When I got home, I asked Anai to help me with my packages.
“Miss Jensyn, what has gotten into you? First, you go away for the weekend, and now you’re shopping. It’s nice to see you doing things, but it makes me curious what’s made you change. There’s only one reason a woman shops for these,” she observed, fingering the Victoria’s Secret bag and pulling out a black thong.
My cheeks went pink as I rushed her in the front door.
“I knew it. Who is this man?” she asked, plucking the matching black bra out of the pink bag. I groaned. “Merciful heaven, it is true. Oh, tell me. Is he handsome? Well built? You know what I mean,” she said, elbowing me.
“Anai, you have a husband. You’re religious. Shut up about this. Do you think I want the entire household staff to know? Besides, I neither confirm nor deny your nosiness.” I chuckled the reprimand.
“Oh, Miss Jensyn, I’m the only one here. It’s Monday, remember? The rest of the staff gets today off. Besides, they would have a parade if they knew you’d gotten lucky.”
What is it about today? Everyone seems to enjoy these uncomfortable conversations. Ugh! “Can’t I just buy things for myself?” I asked, snatching most of my bags from her.
“I suppose you could, but since when do you shop at a men’s store and have it gift wrapped?” She stopped to wave her hands in front of my face. “Okay, I won’t pry. Maybe you’ll tell me later. I’m dying to know who this mystery man is. I’m so very happy for you,” she declared, throwing her arms around me.