Fading

by Rachel Spanswick

  “Hello,” I smile back at them both.

  “Need a drink?” The one on the left asks me with a tilt of his head.

  “You’re not going to tell me your name first?” I cock an eyebrow at him.

  He smirks in return. “Sure. I’m Ethan, this is Jake.” He inclines his head towards his friend who’s checking us both out.

  “Lilith and Lexi,” I point at myself and then my best friend in the same order that I say our names. “And yes,” I link my arm through Ethan’s and look up at him. “I definitely need a drink.”

  ***

  “Oh come on, Lex,”

  “I’m sorry, I am. It’s just-” I roll my eyes at the loud crash that sounds through the phone, no doubt she just knocked over a pile of box. I take the unexpected break in conversation to swallow down a few pills and send a quick email that I’d been avoiding all morning.

  “Sorry. Where was I? Oh yeah, the party. I can’t go. I wish I could but I’m in a jam here. I’ve fallen too far behind.” Lexi continues to ramble in my ear.

  “If you need a hand, I can come over and help out, you know I have the time.”

  “I know, I know and I’m not that far behind. Besides, this would be the fifth party in four days. What’s really going on?”

  “Nothing is going on. It’s just a party.”

  “It’s not just a party though, is it? Its parties. It’s not even about that really, it’s about you. If you just went to these places and had a drink and a dance or whatever, that would be fine, but you don’t. You have one or two drinks and then you’re completely wasted and you hop from party to party like it’s going out of fashion. So no, Lilith, I’m not buying the ‘nothing is going on,’ excuse. Something’s up and you need to tell me what it is.”

  I roll my eyes, sigh and lean back in my chair, swivelling from side to side. “So, I may be a little restless. I don’t know. I just feel like I need to get out and distract myself with having a good time or something.”

  As expected, she focuses on the key word. “Distract yourself? Distract yourself from what? I knew something was wrong.”

  She’s right, of course; something is wrong. I just don’t know what it is. It’s not like I’m not used to feeling a little restless, but this time, I just don’t want to be left with nothing to do because then there will be time to think. To think about what, I’m not sure; I just know that I don’t want to find out.

  “I’ll stop by after work, okay? I’m not sure what’s going on but maybe talking it through will help.”

  “Yes!” She all but screams the word, making me wince. “Sorry. I may have gotten a little carried away there, but yes, come over. We’ll order pizza and I’ll make hot chocolate, it’ll be like old times.”

  “Sounds great. I’ll see you in a couple of hours.” I hang up the phone without waiting for a reply and lay back with my eyes closed.

  I said, I’d talk. Now I just have to figure out what I’m going to say to her when I don’t even know what I’d say to myself.

  Six

  It’s a little after five when I get the bookstore but the lights are on, so I know Lexi didn’t give up on waiting for me.

  “Hey, sorry I’m late, I ran into my dad’s assistant. Okay, so I tried running away from her but she caught up with me anyway.” I let my voice carry as I make my way toward to back office.

  I find Lexi sat on the floor in the middle of the room crying. “Hey,” I lower myself down next to her and wrap an arm around her shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

  “I- It’s-” Another bout of tears overtake her, cutting off her… well, whatever she was going to say or do besides crying.

  “Shh, stop crying, we can fix it. I’ll help you through whatever has happened, but you have to tell me what’s wrong.”

  “You. You’re the problem.”

  I look up and see Nate in the doorway staring, well, glaring at me. Lexi’s crying stops but I don’t look away from him as I climb to my feet to face him.

  “What do you mean, I’m the problem? What did I do?” I ask not quite as offended as I should be.

  He laughs, but it’s clear that he doesn’t find anything funny. “What did you do? What exactly did you think dragging Lexi to all those parties would accomplish? Did you think I’d be okay with that? Tell me, because I really want to know. Especially since if I was the one out partying it up every night, you’d be the first person to tell her to drop me like a bad habit. So tell me, Lil, ‘cause I really want to know.”

  “I-I” I don’t know what to say. He’s right. “I’m sorry, I guess I wasn’t thinking.”

  “Oh, you were thinking alright, but you were only thinking about yourself!”

  “Nate!” Lexi shouts from behind me but none of us pay any attention to her.

  “You’ve been so caught up in whatever the hell it is that’s going on with you that you’ve stopped caring about anyone but yourself.”

  “Nate. That’s enough.” Lexi pushes past me and stands in front of her boyfriend. Is he even her boyfriend right now, or did I screw that up?

  “No, Lex, it’s not enough. Someone needs to tell her to get her head out of her arse.”

  “I said that’s enough. You need to leave her alone. You’re ruining everything!”

  “Its fine, Lex.” I sigh, how did I miss this? “He’s right. I’ve been spending so long trying to stay out of my own head that all my focus has been on that. I should have seen how my behaviour was affecting you.” I find my way to the sofa in a daze and lower myself down onto it slowly. “I’m sorry. I really am.”

  “Nate.” Lexi starts shouting again. “Why did you come here? We were going to sort this out without you, Lilith was coming over and we were going to talk. You shouldn’t have said that stuff to her and what’s wrong with me going to a few parties, huh? You don’t trust me?”

  “Of course I trust you. But it’s a double standard. Why should you expect me to be okay with you going to parties all the time when we both know that you wouldn’t be okay with me doing it?”

  “Why do you keep saying that? Since when am I not okay with you going out?”

  “Oh right, I remember now; it’s not that you have a problem with me going out, it’s just that you don’t even notice when I do!” I watch with a kind of amusement as Nate throws his hands in the air while Lexi looks at him as if she’s not sure who he is anymore.

  “I don’t notice? What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Oh boy.” I whisper to myself but it looks like Nate is thinking the exact same thing as we watch Lexi fold her arms across her chest and tilt her head, a tell-tale sign that whatever he says from this point on, isn’t going to help.

  “I just meant that-”

  “No. Don’t do that. Don’t try and change what you said. You gave it to her straight, so give it to me straight, Nate.” Hands now on her hips and voice firm, Nate and I both shrink a little.

  “Fine,” Nate sounds more resigned that angry now, but I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not. “I said you don’t notice what I do but what I really meant was you don’t notice me. And damn it Alexis, but I want you to notice me, do you know how humiliating this is? I sound like the bloody girl in the relationship!”

  “I do notice you! I have no idea what you’re talking about or where any of this is coming from.”

  “You don’t! You’ve always got something on your mind whether it’s a stupid book you’ve read, been reading or it’s someone else’s problems, but it’s never us. You’re never thinking about us.”

  “Oh shit,” I whisper just before Lexi shouts.

  “My books aren’t stupid.”

  “I’m not. I didn’t. Shit.” Nate spins on the spot, with two hands fisting his hair, I swear he growls. That’s when I decide to step in and save the argument that started because of me and my foolish behaviour.

  “Guys,” I call and wait until they’re both giving me their full attention. “This is ridiculous. You’re arguing because of me and I
’m sorry for what I’ve done, but Lexi was right earlier, Nate. I did come over here to talk it out with her. Maybe…. Maybe you could help too?”

  After a few minutes of complete silence, I get a nod from Nate and a grin from Lexi.

  “Okay,” I smile at them both. “I think I need to start dating again.”

  As expected, they’re both shocked. I haven’t dated anyone since Gavin died. I’ve flirted a whole lot, sure, but I’ve not dated anyone. When it’s clear that none of them have any idea what to say, I help them out once more. “Maybe we should still order that pizza. We may be here a while.”

  “Sure, okay.” Nate claps his hands once and nods at us both. “Let’s do it.”

  Seven

  I’m twenty minutes early to my date. My blind date. As soon as we had pizza and beer, (Nate refused to drink hot chocolate) last night, Nate and Lexi wasted no time jumping on the Lilith’s-ready-to-date wagon.

  It wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be, once we got past all the crazy ideas first, of course. There was Nate’s suggestion of speed dating, Lexi suggested that I move to the city and fall for an arrogant CEO since that always works out in books, apparently. So after wading through all the bullshit, they came up with something that wasn’t completely crazy, only if a little less tolerable than getting a root canal, they told me about a friend they have who is both single and looking to date. When I started asking questions about him though, they both quickly shut up and left me more than a little worried. I agreed anyway though, naturally, since they double teamed me and one of them is hard enough to say no to, the two of them together could stop wars, I’m sure of it.

  It might be nice though, I mean, I’m not putting any expectations on this. I’ve never really dated before. With Gavin, we just kind of happened, we were friends and then it just grew to be more from there.

  So here I sit, twenty six years old, alone, wearing a small black dress and waiting to meet whoever it is that will be my first date ever.

  Pathetic.

  “You must be Lilith,” A deeply amused voice breaks me from my self-pity. A deeply amused and familiar voice.

  “You have got to be fucking with me.” I raise my eyes only to be met with brilliant brown ones full of laughter.

  Jason.

  While I try to come up with something to say that doesn’t include a dozen cuss words or a way to send my best friend and her boyfriend to hell for all of eternity, my walking, talking nightmare folds himself into the chair opposite me.

  “You look lovely this evening.” He smiles charmingly at me.

  “What-shit-who-damn-no-fuck!”

  Nope. I’m not there yet.

  I watch as Jason orders himself a drink and a refill for me, he watches the waitress walk away before he turns his attention back to me. “Okay, so I’m guessing you didn’t know about this. Well, that’s not true, I know you had no idea that your date was with me, but we figured you need to be eased into this.”

  “And you’re the one who’s going to do that?” I almost laugh.

  “Well, I admit that it’s not the best of ideas but you have to agree that it has its good points. Like, we already know each other, so conversation is easy and you know that I won’t try anything funny with you at the end of the date. All we have to do is treat this like a practice run, just pretend you don’t know me but you’re struggling to see past your attraction to me.”

  “Are you being serious? I can’t tell if you’re joking or not.”

  “Of course I’m being serious. What’s wrong with this? I’ve done a lot of dating, I can teach you how to make a date go from good to a night that no one will ever forget.”

  “Jason,” I smile my thanks to the waitress when she places our drinks down and wait until she’s gone before I look back at him. “You’re forgetting one thing.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Seeing you makes me want to throw up.”

  “Oh come on, don’t be dramatic. So we don’t really get along like we used to. That doesn’t mean we can’t start over. I’ll be your friend and I’ll help you find someone who’s good enough for you.”

  “That’s not why I’m doing this.”

  “Then why are you doing this?”

  Because I need a distraction.

  Because I don’t want to sit at home alone anymore.

  Because I almost destroyed my best friends relationship.

  “I’m doing this because I want to have some fun. Don’t you think I’m due some? Look at my life, I mean, shit, you’ve been there for the majority of it, and I’ve seen more death and devastation than any one person should ever have to. I’m single, I have a full time job, I have my life – or well, most of it – figured out, if I want to have some damn fun for a change, then that’s what I’m going to do. That’s what your twenties are for, right?”

  “Yes, they are.” He agrees easily.

  “Right.” I nod at him, I’m not sure why, it’s not like I need his permission to date.

  “So, let’s get started.” He settles back into his chair and flashing a charming grin my way.

  “Get started on what?” I frown. What did I miss?

  “Us. We’re going to date. Well, not really. It’ll be a practice run.”

  “Wait…What?” I frown even harder and shake my head. “Jason, there is no ‘us’. There never will be. And we’re also not going to date, fake or otherwise.”

  “Lilith.”

  “Jason.”

  “Why not?”

  “Umm… well, let’s see, there’s the fact that I don’t like you. Isn’t that enough?”

  “Nope. I think you’re just scared of falling in love with me.” He smirks but he must see something in my expression because it falls from his fast so fast that it’s almost like it was never there. “I didn’t-

  “I wouldn’t fall in love with you.” I cut him off and stand. “I did that once, and if you’ll remember it didn’t turn out very good for me. If there’s one thing, the only thing that you taught me, Jason, it was that you can’t help who you fall in love with, just like you can’t force someone to love you back.” I walk away from him and out of the restaurant without looking back.

  Eight

  At 3:30AM with no sign of sleep coming anytime soon, I consider taking something to force it, but discard the idea and pull out my laptop instead.

  The blind date was a bust and since it was set up by two best friends, I’m clearly going to have to try and find someone to date myself because I can’t, or rather, won’t, trust them to even suggest another date. Who knows what else they’d try to pull in order to meddle with my affairs.

  So with the two people I trust most out of the picture, I do the only thing that makes sense; I join a dating site. I mean, how bad can it be, right?

  It seems simple enough. I fill in the boxes for my email address, date of birth and address. I make up a password and click submit with a smug smile.

  Piece of cake.

  “Holy shit.”

  I blink at the screen three times before I refresh it, when the same page pops back up, I realize this isn’t going to be as easy as I originally thought. The first – of what I assume to be one of many – page of the questionnaire, from what I can tell has no real system. The questions range from the amusing – Do you own a car? What does that have to do with anything? – To the downright intrusive – What is your yearly income? – But I go through them and answer them with nothing but the complete truth. Once I’ve filled out my general stats, I’m asked to headline my profile. I use the complete truth for this too and settle on: I’m not the one you’re looking for, trust me. Can’t get much clearer than that.

  Have you ever had to describe yourself in one hundred characters? It’s not easy.

  My name is Lilith, I’m twenty six years old and besides working for my father, I don’t do much.

  You can’t really say much about yourself. Instead I settle on mentioning my main traits.

  Even t
hough I’m twenty six, I have only been in one relationship. I’m not looking to marry you. Don’t worry.

  Thankfully, the ‘describe your ideal first date’ portion of the questionnaire is optional, so I skip that. Though, I was tempted to put – anything that doesn’t include being set up by best friend to go out with someone I dislike immensely.

  Once I’ve answered all the questions and filled out the descriptions, I move on to the next stage which is uploading a photo of myself. With a shrug, I open up the camera app on my phone and smile into it before uploading it. The photo captures me in my pyjamas with my glasses on and my hair in a messy bun on top of my head and I mean, besides the pyjamas, that’s how I am ninety percent of the time, so I set it as my profile picture and move onto the next step.

  A personality test.

  Wow. This site doesn’t mess around.

  It’s a multiple choice questionnaire, which amuses me greatly as I have to disagree and agree with whether I’m a good liar, a strong believer in politics can ruin a relationship and whether faking an orgasm is acceptable.

  “You cannot be serious.” I mutter when a second questionnaire pops up, this one has one hundred questions and is supposed to assess my relationship needs. I can guarantee that a hundred questions will not find my soul mate. I know this because he’s dead.

  By the time I submit the questionnaire and the psychological one loads, I realize that they were all optional and skip the rest of them. My profile appears and a small box tell me that I already have eleven new messages. I click on my inbox and mentally prepare myself for what I might find.

  The first few I don’t bother replying to, I just delete them because they were all variations of ‘Hi.’ I’m not sure why someone would send a simple ‘Hi,’ I mean, you could put a little more effort into it. I also delete all the ones that include ‘babe’ or ‘baby’ just because it makes me think that they either didn’t do anything beyond look at my photo or they just copy and paste the same message to everyone. For every one message I delete, another three come into my inbox and before I know it, I’m up to thirty unread messages. As I work my way through them, I come up with a system; I delete all the ones that don’t say anything beyond ‘hello’, delete the ones that ask if I’m up for some fun – if I thought they meant a trip to the carnival, I’d reply, but something tells me they have an entirely different concept of fun to me. But I make it a rule to reply to every message that makes me laugh and every one that makes me think a little.