Fading

by Rachel Spanswick

  “That’s good, it takes time to fall for someone.”

  “I guess,” I notice he’s halfway done with his beer so I drink some of my own to catch up. “But, you know I’ve never really dated before so I guess... well, there’s no guessing about it, I need to know if it’s too soon to take it to the next level like do I drag it out or should I just get it over with?”

  “Get it over with?” He asks and I can tell from his expression that he’s confused.

  “I don’t know?”

  “What’s worrying you?”

  “I don’t want to sleep with him just in case the only reason he’s dating me is to get me into bed, but then if that is the reason, I want find out sooner rather than later. What if I drag it out and make him wait like, two months? I could be halfway in love with him by then and if he’s leaves after we have sex and I never hear from him again, I don’t know how I’ll handle that. Whereas, if I slept with him tomorrow and then he ditched me after that, at least there won’t be any deep feelings involved.”

  “Why would you think someone would disappear after sleeping with you?” He asks slowly.

  I look into his eyes trying to find out how much he knows. I know that if I told him, he could talk to me about it, maybe give me the explanation that I’ve been waiting for since I was sixteen. “Well, that’s all some guys are interesting in, right? Sex.”

  “Lilith, from what I can tell, the only person you’ve slept with has been Gavin, I don’t remember there being anyone else before him and I know there hasn’t been anyone since him, why would you assume to know that’s all some guys want?”

  “I don’t know,” I shrug and turn to face the bottles that are staked behind the bar. “Just an assumption, I guess.”

  “Look, clearly there’s more going on here than you’re telling me. Or more has gone on that I don’t know about but I know that no matter what I say to you, you won’t tell me. But I know this much, something happened that changed you, Lil and it doesn’t take a genius to figure it out. You and Jason used to be best friends and freaking inseparable at one point, everyone suspected that there was more between you two than just friendship but hell, you were both only sixteen so when you both stopped talking to each other, we just assumed that you’d argued or outgrown each other. Now I’m thinking there was something more going on and I can tell you that whatever happened between those two teenagers, it has nothing to do with that men do, because you were still kids. Kids make mistakes, we all know that and you shouldn’t let that change how you see things as an adult.” Like, I did earlier, Cal sighs long and hard and I suspect is because I’m looking at anything and everything that isn’t him at the moment. “As I said earlier, this conversation didn’t happen, so I’m not going to say anything to anyone about this but, Lil, whatever happened ten years ago shouldn’t affect you now. If you want to move things forward with Ethan, there’s no right time for that. You not working to a deadline here, if it happens, it happens, but this will be your forth date, so yeah, it’s acceptable.”

  “Okay.” I nod at the bar and turn to look at him again. “Thank you.”

  “No problem. I just have one last thing to say and then I’ll never talk about this ever again; forgiveness isn’t just needed by the person who seeks it, Lil, very often, the person who was hurt needs to give it more than the one who receives it does. If you want to move on, you need to forgive.”

  Fifteen

  After my talk with Cal, I spent all night thinking about everything and I guess at some point, I decided that I’m not only ready to have sex with Ethan, but I want to.

  I think.

  I must, I mean, I’m here aren’t I?

  I look around and take in my surroundings, I’m in Ethan’s house- he has an actual house, like a grown up. It’s even decorated like an adult’s house. Yeah, I’m definitely here. This point is proven further when Ethan passes me another bottle of beer. My third. With a smile, I accept it and turn m attention back to the TV.

  This time we’re watching a straight to TV movie, I’m not sure what it’s about, I don’t even think there’s any kind of plot. It just seems to be about nothing. But that’s okay.

  I hope he doesn’t fall asleep. That would seriously mess with my plans.

  What if he does fall asleep? Would I have to wake him up? That doesn’t sound good.

  Oh God, What if I fall asleep?

  I won’t. I can’t.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Huh?” I turn my attention from the TV and my wandering thought to Ethan.

  “Are you okay?” He repeats softly.

  “I’m fine, are you okay?” I ask thinking maybe I missed more than a bunch of people talking on TV.

  “I’m fine. You just seem…quiet.”

  “Oh, no. I’m fine, really. I’m just watching the movie.”

  “You are?” He seems amused now.

  “Yeah, you aren’t?”

  “Well, I’m trying, but I’m lost.” He admits a little reluctantly.

  “Lost?”

  “Uh huh, I don’t suppose you could tell me what is going on?”

  “What’s going on?” Does he mean what’s going on here, with us?

  “In the movie…”

  “Oh, right.” I laugh, relieved. “Nothing is going on. I’m not sure this is really a movie. I think it’s some sort of reality show. Nothing has actually happened yet.”

  “I didn’t think so.”

  “How do we always end up watching things that none of us really want to watch?”

  “What? How do we?”

  “Well, we went to the movies and ended up seeing a children’s film because we couldn’t decide what to see and we talked through the whole thing, almost got kicked out. Then there was the movie at my place, you fell asleep, I zoned out after twenty minutes. And now this thing whatever it is.”

  With a laugh he pulls me closer to him on the sofa. “Yeah, you’re right. I don’t know what it is with us and movies.” Instead of turning it off or changing the channel, we both turn back to the show.

  When after an hour, I spend more time thinking about what I will or will not be doing later tonight with Ethan, I realise that I’m far too nervous to go through with it and, to be honestly, I seem to have managed to talk myself out of doing it without ever actually talking at all.

  So, with this in mind, I wait until Ethan leaves the room to get us some more beers and I text Lexi, asking her to get me out of here.

  It’s the system we came up with in the beginning, I text her, she calls me and then I tell my date that there’s some kind of emergency so unfortunately, I have to leave. Apparently everyone has a system like this and Lexi was pretty excited that I finally had a need for one. I’m not sure it’s something someone should be excited about, but I guess she was just glad that I was finally doing something.

  It takes longer than expected for my phone to ring, so long that I had to use the excuse of going to the bathroom to send her a second text but even still, it took more than an hour for my phone to ring.

  So when it does finally ring, I jump about a foot off the sofa and answer it in a complete panic.

  “Hello?”

  “Lil, it’s me. Lex.” Comes in my ear and then I remember that I was actually waiting for her call. And my first thought was, wow, she’s good at this. She has the panicked tone down and it ignites a flame of worry inside me.

  “Lex, what’s wrong?”

  “Lil, it’s your dad?”

  “What about my dad?” I ask and feel only slightly guilty when Ethan sits up straighter and put a supportive hand on my back.

  “There… Lil, I’m so sorry. There was a car accident an-”

  “Is this a fucking joke?” All worry and surprise and guilt and every emotion except anger leaves me. “What kind of sick joke are you playing Lexi? You know this isn’t funny. I can’t believe you would say something like that!”

  At the obvious change in my mood, Ethan’s hand leaves my back and inst
ead, he kneels on the floor in front of me.

  “Lilith, I promise you that I’m not joking.” She swears in my ear.

  “So tell me what the hell has happened!”

  “There was a car accident, your father is in the hospital.” She’s crying now and a part of me doesn’t want to believe that’s telling the truth. That part of me wants me to believe that she’s still just providing with an excuse to leave Ethan’s place early.

  “You’re lying.” This isn’t happening. “My father would be in bed by now, he wouldn’t even be in a car.” Deny everything. “It’s not him.”

  “Lilith. Listen to me, it’s true. I don’t know why he was out but he was and … you should come.”

  The phone drops out of my hand and I barely notice Ethan picking it up off the floor and when his mouth starts moving, I don’t hear anything but a buzzing sound in my ears.

  Everything else is blur is there.

  Ethan sorts everything out.

  We leave his place and he put me in his car, he drives us to the hospital, he even sorts everything out when we get there, he talks to the staff so we get taken to the right floor.

  When the nurse tells us to go to the waiting room and I spot Lexi and Matt, those black dots from five years ago come back, they start taking over my vision and everything seems to become real.

  This is actually happening.

  I feel a sharp pain in my knees when they hit the floor but there’s just one thing on my mind.

  Not again.

  Sixteen

  Okay, so I fainted. Again. But at least it’s when I hear some terrible news and not at the sight of blood or something. This time though, it seems I was only out for a second or two because when I open my eyes again, Lilith and Matt are only just kneeling besides me. Unless, of course, I’ve been out a few minutes and they were talking to each other instead of seeing what was wrong with me.

  “Lil, Jesus, are you okay?” Matt grabs both of my shoulders, jerking me off of the floor slightly.

  “Uh...”

  “You hit the floor hard, honey.” Lexi frowns at me.

  “Dad?” I ask when the last half an hour hits me again. I feel my eyes fill up and try to stop it by sheer force of will.

  “Let’s just get you up, yeah?” Matt asks and before I can reply, he’s lifting me off the floor and lowering me into one of the plastic chairs in the waiting room.

  “It’s bad, isn’t it? Oh God, how bad?” I ask looking at both of them in turn.

  “I’ll just go tell one of his doctors that you’re here,” Matt says and rushes out of the room before I can insist that he stays and tells me everything.

  “What the hell is going on?” I demand when Lexi just watches Matt run out of the room nervously.

  “Uh…well…”

  “Cut the shit Lexi,” I grab her hand, probably a lot harder than I should, but I need to stop her from running away. Tell me what you know.”

  “I don’t know anything. No, really,” She rushes on when my grip tightens. “They wouldn’t tell me anything, all we know is that there was a car accident and we came straight here.”

  “If that’s all there is to it, why are you both acting so strange?”

  “Well, because it was a car accident. I mean, how many people do you know who have lost everyone they love because of a car accident? I wouldn’t blame you if you never went in another car ever again.”

  “It’s not the cars though.”

  “No.” She smiles sadly and sits down next to me, laying her head on my shoulder. “You wouldn’t think it was, would you?”

  “I can’t lose him, Lex.” I finally admit.

  “I know,”

  “I can’t lose him. Don’t you think I’ve lost enough?”

  “You have,” She sniffs and I’m not sure if she’s crying or if I am but I’m imagining that she is.

  “If I lose him, it’ll be official.”

  “What will?”

  “I don’t have anything left. I’ve lost everyone.”

  “Not everyone.” She says it so softly that I almost miss it.

  “I know I have you, but that’s not what I meant.”

  “No, I know what you meant. Still, you haven’t lost everyone.” She points across the room and I turn my head to look at what she’s pointing at.

  “Oh,” The breath whooshes out of me as my eyes lock with Jason’s.

  He’s stood in the doorway with Cal, they’re complete opposites in some ways but they’ve always been the closest two of the group. Well, for the last ten years anyway. But right now they are wearing different expressions. Jason looks as though it’s his own father in the hospital, as if he’s the one who is about to lose the last person on earth who loves him. Cal though, Cal looks as though he understands more than he should. He looks worried and sympathetic.

  Not able to deal with the grief that surrounds Jason. I find myself running into Cal’s arms.

  “Oh god,” I breathe as I finally succumb to the tears. My whole body shakes with them. My breath seems to alternate between bursts of hyperventilating and not at all. His shirt is now a mess because not only am I crying all over him, but my hands are twisting in it and pulling and oh God. “Cal.”

  “I know, Lil. I know.” He soothes and pulls me closer to him.

  “Uh… Lilith?” I stiffen in Cal’s arms.

  Shit.

  “Ethan, right?” I hear Lexi and when I turn to look at them, she has a hand on his arm and is leading him away from us.

  “I forgot he was here.” I mutter and feel Cal shake silently.

  I pull away to look up at him. “I just… I was trying to get away from him early so I texted Lexi and she was supposed to call with a fake emergency but, but, only the emergency wasn’t fake. So he brought me here.”

  “So you didn’t….” He trails off.

  “Are you seriously asking me that right now?”

  “Just trying to take your mind of a bigger problem.” He tries for a smile but it wobbles.

  “Thanks. And you to answer your question, no I considered it, but I couldn’t.”

  “Okay, that’s okay If you’re not ready, then you’re not ready. Why don’t we go sit down now?” He doesn’t wait for me to answer, he just guides me to the row of chairs where I was sat with Lexi just a few minutes ago.

  With Cal and Jason flanking me, I sit in a silence that’s not completely uncomfortable. Though I can’t stop my mind from drifting back to the times I’ve been in this exact same position before.

  The only and huge difference is that this time around, Jason is here. As if he knows where my thoughts are taking me, he takes my hand in his own without ever looking at me. I squeeze his hand because I understand that though we may not see eye to eye anymore, my father was as much his as he was mine for a very long time. Lexi and Matt both return – without Ethan, and they take seats next to us while we all wait for news on my father condition.

  The waiting is the worst part.

  Will I be an orphan by the end of the night?

  Why won’t anyone tell me what’s going on?

  How long am I going to have to wait until I can see him?

  It turns out that I have to wait a lot longer than anyone could have predicted. When a pale haired doctor in blue scrubs comes into the room, my friends and I all jump up and rush over in the hope that we’ll soon be given some news.

  We’re not.

  All he says is that my father’s injuries are severe, he’s still in surgery and they’re doing the best they can.

  He says I’m in for a long night of waiting.

  He asks if I want to go home.

  I want to tell him that my father is my home.

  Then he leaves.

  I tell my friends and Jason that they should all go on home and that I’ll wait here, letting them know anything as soon as I do but they refuse to leave me.

  I try to be grateful for it, I really do but a big part of me just wants to be left alone.

 
; If I’m going to lose my father, I’m going to have get used to being alone, why not start now?

  Seventeen

  It’s funny sometimes, how a simple gesture can trigger a memory.

  That’s is exactly what happens to me when at around 3:30AM when everyone in the waiting room is sleeping except for myself and Jason who pulls me up off my chair and out of the room, only stopping when we get to the room my father is apparently in. We both slide down the wall until we’re sat on the floor, his arm around my shoulders. If this were the first time he’d done it, it wouldn’t have been such a big deal, but it’s not.

  “Jason, we’re not allowed to be here,”

  “Shhh.” He whispers and squeezes my hand.

  I do what he says because Jason is always right and he always has the best ideas. If I listen really carefully, I can hear my daddy snoring.

  “See,” He whispers loudly. “I told you he was okay.”

  My dad hasn’t been very well lately and so I told Jason how worried I was. He came to my bedroom through the window after bedtime, which he’s not supposed to do but he does it because he’s my friend and he told me he had an idea. He said that he was going to show me that my dad was okay.

  I smile at my best friend. “You did.” I close my eyes because it’s late and I’m sleepy. I should have been in bed ages ago. “Do you think we can stay just a little bit longer?” I ask still listening to the rhyme of my dad’s snores.

  “We can, but not long. We must be gone before he wakes up.”

  Well, must have fallen asleep because when I woke up in the morning both Jason and I were in my bed with the blankets on us.

  I wipe a tear from my cheek at the memory but now that I let one in, the rest just keep coming and before I know it, I’m nine years old again, curled in Jason’s as he rocks me while I cry.

  “Lilith!” My mum shouts from downstairs.

  “No!” I shout back. “I’m not coming out”

  Today is the stupid dress up day for school and I have to wear a stupid flower costume. Everyone is going to laugh at me. I have a flower on my head! I bet Jason gets to be something cool like a fireman.