Reluctance

by Cindy C. Bennett

  Dahlia nearly gagged at her use of the pet name Aster hadn't used since she was a very young girl and still had some capacity to love and admire her older sister.

  "Fine," Dahlia mumbled again, turning away from them. She went into the kitchen to make the popcorn and gather some sodas for the three of them. When she returned to the family room Aster and Jace were sitting quite closely together on the sofa. Dahlia seriously considered dumping the popcorn over the two of them. The choice was lost when she tripped and the popcorn fell into their laps.

  "Dahlia!" Aster scolded.

  "She can't help herself," Jace said, annoyed. "I've never met a bigger klutz."

  Aster laughed, and Dahlia felt a fury rip through her. It took all her control to stop herself from lunging at him, teeth bared, with intent to harm, not feed. Shocked at herself, she quickly thrust the sodas at them and fled from the room. She darted up the stairs and into her room in less than a second. Quickly closing the door, she leaned back against it.

  "What is wrong with you?" she muttered aloud.

  She slid down to the floor, not an easy task in the tight jeans. This only infuriated her more, and she tore the jeans from herself, shredding them. Feeling slightly better, she followed suit with her shirt. Sitting there nearly naked made her realize how ridiculous she was being, and she laughed at herself. She went to her closet, pulling out a long paisley skirt, which she topped with an old blue sweater. She pulled her hair down from its tie and scrubbed her fingers through the silky strands. Deciding she might as well go all the way, she scrubbed the makeup from her face. Feeling more normal than she had for some time, she returned downstairs.

  "I want to go out," she announced to Jace who was sitting even closer to Aster than he had been when she went upstairs.

  "What?" he said, looking up in surprise at her announcement. Distaste crossed his face as he looked her up and down. "We're enjoying this movie," he whined.

  "Fine." Dahlia swung away from him, heading for the front door.

  "Wait," he called, hurrying after her. "You're going without me?" His voice rang with disbelief.

  "Yup," she said, putting a jacket on.

  "But . . . ."

  Jace looked around, confused. Dahlia was sure he couldn't imagine any girl ever wanting to go out without him.

  "You coming or staying?" she asked, hands on hips.

  "I'm . . . ."

  "Jace," Aster called from the other room. "Are you coming?"

  Jace turned toward the sound of Aster's voice, echoing Dahlia's question. Dahlia huffed out a sarcastic laugh and exited the house, closing the door behind her. She began to run, not wanting Jace to catch up to her. Now that she had stood up for herself and left, she had no idea where she wanted to go. She definitely didn't want to go to the club. She slowed her pace to a walk.

  Eventually, she found herself in the park and sat down on a bench. For the first time since first spying Jace and understanding what he could do for her, she questioned whether she could go through with making him her mate. She hadn't ever thought she might love Jace, at least not since she first understood who he was. But she believed she could tolerate him. Once she changed him he would . . . not love her, but would be completely devoted to her. Sometimes the two felt the same. Now it was a matter of whether she wanted to have him around all the time.

  After several hours of trying to decide what she wanted to do, the hunger became unbearable and she gave in. She ran as fast as she could to her usual hunting ground. She pulled up short when she saw Cam walking among the homeless people, handing out blankets. He looked up as she appeared.

  "What are you doing here?" they both asked at the same time.

  "It isn't safe here for you," Cam said.

  "Nor you," she argued. "And it's really late. Why are you wandering around here this late?"

  "I might ask you the same," he retorted, continuing in his mission.

  Dahlia folded her arms in stubbornness, letting him know she wasn't speaking until he did. He glanced at her, then his eyes scanned her from head to toe. Relenting, he sighed as he continued distributing the blankets.

  "I don't really know," he said.

  Dahlia could hear the confusion lacing his voice.

  "I just felt this . . . need to be here. Something drew me this way, as if I've been here before and knew these people had a need and I could help them." He stopped and looked at her again. "But I have no memory of having ever been here. Isn't that strange?"

  Dahlia was speechless. What could she say? Not as strange as you might think.

  "Your turn," he said. He covered a sleeping woman with his last blanket and walked over to her. "Why are you here?"

  Dahlia searched her mind for a viable excuse. A breeze came up, blowing Cam's scent her way, and her hunger, which she had forgotten, returned with a vengeance.

  Her fangs began to extend, and her vision began to sharpen—both signs she was nearly beyond control.

  "Kiss me, Cam," she begged, frantically.

  " What?"

  "Please," she pleaded. "Please, Cam, kiss me now, quickly."

  He leaned slowly toward her as if to oblige, and Dahlia reached out, burying her fingers in his jacket lapels, clumsily pulling him toward her as she buried her lips in his.

  His mouth hardened, and he moved as if to pull back, but she refused to let him go. Her hunger heightened.

  " Please," she whispered desperately against his mouth.

  Suddenly, he gave in. His mouth slanted across hers, his hands coming up to cup her cheeks, gently and yet holding her tightly in place at the same time. Almost immediately, Dahlia's hunger dissipated, replaced by a hunger of a different kind. She molded herself against him, her arms snaking around his shoulder to pull him closer.

  She became aware of a sound behind him and quickly pulled back.

  "Dahlia, I—"

  "You have to go, Cam," she said with alarm as she spotted a man carrying a knife sneaking up from about a block away. He couldn't hurt her, but Cam was all too fragile, all too human.

  "Why?" he asked. "Did I hurt you? If so, I'm sor—"

  "No, Cam," she interrupted with a smile. "You didn't hurt me. As a matter of fact, you may have saved me. But, please, I'm begging you, you have to go now."

  "I'm not leaving you here," he said adamantly.

  Dahlia leaned forward, touched his face, and whispered, " Go."

  Cam's eyes glazed slightly, and he turned away. Then he turned back with a distracted smile. "You look really good, Dahlia."

  Dahlia felt her heart crack as he turned away again. Then she took a breath and turned toward the man with the knife.

  * * * * *

  "Where were you tonight?" Dahlia's dad asked as she finally returned home. He sat on the back porch, completely oblivious to the chill in the air.

  "My usual spot," she answered.

  "I meant before," he said, noting the blood splatters on her jacket. Dahlia self-consciously covered them, refusing to answer the silent question.

  "I needed to think," she said, lifting her chin.

  "Oh, yeah?" he asked. "About what?"

  "Like you care," she said flippantly as she moved to pass him.

  His hand shot out and grasped her arm, forcing Dahlia to stop. She might be stronger than Aster, but she had nowhere near the strength of her parents.

  "You may not believe me, Dahlia, but I do care. I was human once. I haven't forgotten everything."

  His words caught Dahlia as nothing else could have. She turned around and sat in the chair next to his.

  "What will happen . . . ." she began. Once the words were spoken, there would be no going back. She took a breath, gathered her courage, and asked anyway. "What will happen if I don't choose a mate?"

  Her father looked at her, surprised. "That isn't what I expected to hear you ask,"

  he said. "I thought you'd already picked."

  Dahlia nodded. "So did I. I was wrong."

  Her father nodded also. "Yes, I thou
ght so. He seemed more someone Aster would pick than you."

  "Because I'm plain and clumsy? Because he's better than me?" Dahlia questioned, offended though she knew she shouldn't be. It was the truth, after all. She would never be good enough for someone like Jace.

  "No," he said with a laugh. "Because he isn't good enough for you."

  Now it was Dahlia's turn to be surprised. "But he's just like you, like all of you. If he were my mate, I'd be someone you could be proud of."

  "Dahlia, who you pick as a mate won't make us proud of you. We are proud of you."

  "Could've fooled me," she muttered.

  "Okay, let me rephrase. I'm proud of you. I've always thought it impressive how different you are from our people."

  "Different," Dahlia scoffed. "That's one way of putting it." She looked at her father. "Did you choose this life? Are you happy?"

  He leaned forward and scrubbed his face with his hands.

  "I chose your mother," he said. "The only way to have her was to join. There wasn't even a question. I loved her that much. And, yes, mostly I am happy."

  "Mostly?"

  "Well"—he pointed to his young, handsome face—"there are definite perks. And, though you may think your mother shallow and conceited, I'm still very much in love with her."

  "You have to be," Dahlia said.

  "No, I don't. I have to be devoted to her. I love her anyway. I see things in her she doesn't let the world see, not even her daughters."

  When Dahlia didn't respond, he said, "The knowledge I have is if a young vampire doesn't choose a mate before their twenty-first birthday, they will be unable to have children. I know of only one man who made the choice because he was in love and refused to change the woman. They were forced to go into hiding. If he is ever heard from again, he will be hunted down for breaking the law of not producing two offspring."

  "What about her?" she asked.

  "No one knows if he ever changed her, or if she died."

  Dahlia thought for long minutes. What if she and Cam were to go away, if they lived a normal, quiet life? But then he'd be living without a family of his own. He'd never have children. And she'd have to watch him die eventually. Could she stand that?

  And then to live alone forever after . . . .

  "Dahlia, did you even give him the option?"

  Her father's question brought Dahlia out of her musings. "Who, Jace? No, he doesn't know what we are."

  "Not Jace."

  Dahlia was momentarily confused. Then her mind cleared, and she realized he was speaking of Cam.

  "No, of course not. I couldn't do that to him. I won't do that to him," she said.

  "I almost wasn't given the choice either."

  At Dahlia's look, he said, "Not that she changed me without telling me. I knew what she was. She didn't want to change me. She felt it unfair to me. So she chose someone else. I broke in just as they were beginning the ceremony, and nearly lost my life. She saved me by claiming me. And I'm grateful, Dahlia. I wouldn't have wanted to live without her. And now,"—he swept his hands around to take in their surroundings—"I wouldn't want to live without this. I seem to have lost a great deal of my humanity, but by choice. I'm just selfish enough to enjoy all this life offers."

  Dahlia knew he spoke the truth. She knew he enjoyed the life.

  "You love him?" her father asked.

  "Yes," she said, and at that moment knew the choice had never been hers. She wouldn't take Jace as a mate. She also wouldn't take Cam, but if he'd have her, she'd spend his life with him. She wouldn't think beyond that. Even if he didn't want her, she wouldn't mate.

  "Give him the choice," he said.

  "No. He's too kind. He won't reject me, even if he wants to."

  "Then bring him here," her father said. "I'll talk to him. I'll tell him exactly how it is."

  Dahlia looked at him doubtfully.

  "I promise," he said. "I won't try to make it look good. I'll tell him everything."

  "I don't know," Dahlia said. "I'll think about it."

  She already knew she wouldn't tell Cam he had a choice.

  * * * * *

  Dahlia sat in the park once again, silent and still. Cam had seen her here before.

  He hadn't approached her, though, just watched. Today, he planned to approach.

  Their kiss the night before had shocked him, but when he went to sleep he dreamt. He dreamt an entire history with Dahlia, where they were in love, where Jace wasn't anything more than an annoyance—where Dahlia was a vampire. When he woke, he knew his dream was true, that somehow, she had erased their history from his mind, made him forget her, and somehow their kiss had reignited his memories.

  "Dahlia."

  Dahlia turned toward Cam, and he saw the turmoil on her face. He moved to sit next to her, taking her hand in his.

  "I remember," he said.

  "What?" Dahlia said, stunned.

  "You erased my memories, but now they're back. I want to know why."

  Dahlia shrugged. "I don't know, Cam. I don't know anyone who has ever remembered after they were commanded to forget. I guess I'm as clumsy in that as I am in everything."

  Cam nearly laughed at her assessment, his memory of her low self-esteem clear now.

  "Not why I remember," he said. "I mean why did you do it in the first place?"

  "Because I couldn't stand it, Cam. I couldn't stand your knowing what I was . . . I mean, am."

  "So you took my memory rather than let me deal with everything?"

  "I . . . ." She had no answer.

  He lifted her hand to his mouth, breathing in her unique scent. "It doesn't matter to me, Dahlia. I love you."

  She pulled her hand from his. "It does matter."

  "No." He took her hand again. Then he cocked his head, curious. "Why Jace? Was it simply to hurt me?"

  "Of course not," she answered immediately. "I would never try to hurt you. He was simply a means to an end."

  Cam tried to find sense in her words, but failed. "Meaning?"

  "Meaning if I take him for a mate, change him, he'd be the one who could make me valuable in my people's eyes."

  Now Cam dropped her hand, standing and pacing in front of her.

  " Mate?" he demanded.

  "I'm not going to take him," she said.

  "And that's supposed to make me feel better how?"

  Dahlia stood. "I choose you, Cam." Then realizing how her words sounded, she began again. "What I mean is, I'm not going to take a mate. I'm not going to change anyone. I'm going to live like a normal person—well, a normal person who hunts others to drink their blood. But if you'll have me, Cam, I'll live that normal life with you."

  "Wait," Cam said, lifting a hand.

  Dahlia felt slightly deflated he wasn't rejoicing in her choice.

  "What do you mean, 'change' someone?" Cam asked.

  Dahlia waved at the bench. "Let's sit. I'll tell you everything."

  * * * * *

  Dahlia's birthday came inexorably closer. Aster chose Jace. It was not unusual for a girl Aster's age to pick someone, even if she still had a couple years. Dahlia was forced to watch the ceremony, see the thrill of power that coursed through Jace as he became a vampire. She was then subject to his enhanced cruelty when he moved in to their house.

  She kept Cam far away from Jace, not exactly difficult since Jace no longer felt the need to work or go to school. He settled quite well into the life without so much as a backward glance. Dahlia had never been so relieved and content with a decision as the one she made to pass on Jace.

  Aster seemed perfectly content with him. In fact, she told Dahlia the only reason she had helped her to look better for first Cam and then Jace was she'd been looking for her own mate, willing to accept either of the gorgeous guys Dahlia had somehow managed to bring home, ready to move on with her life. She matched Jace in ambition.

  Together, Aster and Jace made her parents look completely soft.

  Dahlia hadn't told anyone she planned to leave. S
he and Cam were going away.

  She wouldn't turn him. He wanted her to, but she couldn't . . . wouldn't. She'd given him his chance for freedom, but he refused. So they would leave the family, leave her people and her way of life, and spend their years together alone. Then, when Cam died, she would make herself visible, become the hunted rather than the hunter.

  * * * * *

  "Well, well, look who we have here."

  Dahlia jumped at the sound of Jace's voice. Cam stiffened next to her. She knew it had been a mistake to bring Cam to her home, but she was leaving tonight and he'd wanted to help her pack. She suspected her father knew about her decision and had taken her perceptive mother out for the night. She honestly hadn't worried about Jace and Aster since they were usually so bound up in one another they didn't notice much else.

  "Go away, Jace," Dahlia said, turning to stand in front of the open suitcase on her bed.

  "Just came by to say hello to my good friend Cam. We were the best buds in high school, right, Cam?"

  "I don't think so," Cam answered, standing next to Dahlia.

  It wasn't hard to recognize the difference in Jace, see the new, pale smoothness of his skin, the darkened eyes, the cruel glint in those dark eyes that covered any trace of humanity.

  "I don't think I ever knew you," Cam said.

  Jace sauntered in, a mirthless smile pasted on his face. "How can you say that, Cam? You wound me." His hand covered his now stilled heart, his smile unchanging.

  "Where's Aster?" Dahlia asked. Jace's face changed slightly, tightening in annoyance at her question.

  "My lovely mate is none of your business."

  "Why don't you go find her?" Dahlia suggested.

  Jace's gaze left Cam and turned on Dahlia. His lips curled back a little, and she saw the extended fangs.

  "Jace, you need to get control," she said in a low voice. New vampires sometimes had a hard time controlling their urges, though they were still subject to vampire law.

  "I don't need to do anything, Dahlia." He cocked his head at her. "Did I ever tell you how much I despised dating you?"