Experiment In Love

by Clay Estrada, Rita

  “My point exactly.”

  His frustration at not understand was evident. She took a deep breath and continued.

  “And if you were just beginning? If your company wasn’t making money? What then?” she persisted, trying to keep her arms at her sides instead of twining them around his neck.

  “Then I’d keep at it but I wouldn’t ask you to marry me until I could support us.” His grin was lopsided and totally endearing. “I’d ask you to live with me instead,” he joked, trying unsuccessfully to lighten the mood.

  “But you’re not giving me the same freedom. You’re being condescending by allowing me to continue with what I’ve already chosen to do, tolerating my career, while you expect what you’ve decided to do with your life to take precedence.”

  Kurt heaved a sigh. “I’m not sure I understand, Victoria, but if you explain very slowly and simply, perhaps we can come up with a compromise that will work for both of us. Right now you’ve got me confused and on the verge of anger. I’ve never heard of a woman turning down a proposal because the man didn’t ask her permission to continue with his career.”

  Her eyes glistened with tears that she refused to shed. “Please don’t patronize me, Kurt.”

  He swallowed hard at the obvious pain and frustration etched on her face and gave her a swift hug. “You’re right.”

  He led her to the rumpled bed and sat her down, placing himself next to her as he continued to hold her hands. “Now explain, slowly.”

  She swallowed hard several times before she could speak. How could she make him understand, with simple words, the emotions that were so complex and deeply affecting?

  Taking a deep breath, she began. “When I was young I idolized my father and, in turn, he wrapped me up in cotton batting, Kurt. Because he wasn’t always there for me, he tended to make sure that Mother did the same as he did: protecting, cosseting, and shielding me from the big bad parts of life. I got into the habit of pleasing him instead of pleasing me. Do this, choose that, act this way. But there was always the implication that if I didn’t do what he wanted, then he wouldn’t love and care for me.” She smiled sadly at the thought of those lost years. They seemed to belong to someone else’s lifetime. “At that age I couldn’t bear to have his love withdrawn, so I did as I was supposed to do, secure in the knowledge that as long as I did he would smile, protect and be proud of me. But it didn’t work out that way. I was believing in a lie. When reality hit me on the head, I wasn’t prepared for it and it almost totaled me. I was forced to learn how to survive, to take care of myself, to make my own way in the world without another person’s help. I had to be responsible for my own actions and no longer blame my faults and problems on others.

  Her gaze searched his expression, attempting to read his thoughts and emotions, but to no avail. “I’ve learned how to be myself now and I can’t give that up!” She took a deep breath before continuing. “And you, Kurt, are trying to place me in that same little niche that my father wanted me to live in. You’re attempting to take me over in the same way. Don’t you see?” Her voice was a plea as she stared into his eyes, begging him to understand the essence of her emotions. But all she saw was distance and something else that she couldn’t name.

  The silence was deafening. “You still don’t understand.” Her voice was a mere whisper.

  “Probably more than you know, Vicky,” was his quiet answer. Sadness flickered across his face before he stood and pulled her up with him, right into his arms. “You were more than I bargained for when I made that first date,” he teased, but his voice was hoarse with unsaid emotions. He stroked her hair and they stood in the darkened room, each listening to the other’s heartbeat and wondering how to reach the one they loved. They said nothing, unsure of what to do next to bridge the chasm that separated them.

  Dinner was quiet. The tense anger of their earlier argument was gone, total exhaustion left as debris. Victoria could hardly lift her fork without forcing herself to do so. When dinner was over they walked through the living room and outside, Kurt leading her to one of the padded lounges on the deck that hung in midnight darkness, with only the sound of the surf wrapping around them. The stars filled the dark spaces in the heavens; the breeze held just a hint of salt; the night was balmy, neither too hot nor too chilly.

  When Kurt left his chair, she leaned her head back and closed her eyes, wanting to cry but not knowing which of the many reasons she should choose to cry about. She felt totally drained.

  The clink of ice against crystal told her that Kurt was fixing drinks, and when he placed a glass in her hand she obediently sipped. It was almond liquor over ice and tasted both fresh and cool. Kurt took the lounge next to hers, his free hand reaching then closing to hold hers tight his fingers playing with her palm. His voice broke the silence. “Victoria, I still want you to marry me, but I’m willing to wait until you feel you can trust me.

  “I trust you now.” Her hand tightened on his as she spoke words she knew were a lie. The simple truth was that she wanted to trust him but didn’t.

  “No, you don’t. You’re confusing me with your father.”

  “I know the difference,” she said dryly, trying to ignore the doubts that filled her mind.

  “I wish you did.”

  “I do!” she exclaimed, opening her eyes to stare into the dark depths of his.

  “If you did, darling, then you wouldn’t automatically accuse me of manipulating you the way he did. You wouldn’t be terrified of trusting me, as you are of him. You would take me as an individual.” His voice was sad. “Yes, I’ve got faults and problems, just like everyone else, but because you don’t see those, you’ve placed a blueprint of your father over me and matched us in ways that aren’t there.”

  “Perhaps you’re right. I don’t know.” Once more inertia took over and she closed her eyes.

  “Live with me. See if we can work it out. You can even choose the bedroom you want, I don’t give a damn as long as we’re together.” She could feel the muscles in his arm tense and was astounded to realize how much her answer meant to him. “Don’t make the decision tonight. Wait until tomorrow, so you can be sure you weren’t maneuvered into it.”

  Slowly, gazing at him, she nodded her head in agreement. Hope that they would find a common meeting ground rose in her, fleetingly destroying the deep depression she wallowed in.

  Somehow, even though Kurt had given her back her freedom, she felt confused. She remembered his tall, muscled body in the shower with the soap lathered over him, the rippling muscles, the raw strength beneath her fingertips, the pressure of his possession and the ecstasy of his touch. And now he had given her back that which she thought she had lost: her freedom. He had taken away the ties she was so afraid of being bound with. He was willing to accept her rules once again. He was trusting her, she thought in amazement.

  She took another sip of her drink. Was freedom more binding than marriage? Was love always more painful than one could ever imagine? She closed her eyes, letting her tiredness overcome her. She slept.

  Victoria didn’t feel Kurt take the glass from her hand, nor did she feel him lift and carry her to the bedroom, where he slipped her clothing off and covered her with the cool silken sheets. All she knew was that she was safe.

  ***

  Berating himself for a fool, Kurt slid in next to the small dark-haired girl who turned to him in her sleep for comfort. His arms went around her to hold the precious gift of her closer and he tried desperately not to touch her rounded breasts, where his hands really wanted to be. A low moan escaped his lips as he smelled the clean scent of her hair and felt the satin-smooth skin of the wriggling body that nestled cozily so close to his. For one wild moment he imagined making his needs known. The memory of that afternoon flashed through his mind. She had been so spirited, so uninhibited, so fresh and wild and wonderful in her own innocent way. She was like no one Kurt had ever known, giving of herself totally in a way that no woman had ever done with him. He wanted to crush
her to him and allow them to edge toward the completeness he ached for. But reason returned and he wrenched his hand away from her thigh to close in a fist. It was going to be a long night…

  He awoke to find her bending over him, her long hair a dark cloud about her head. Her face was solemn as she continued to stare at him, her eyes wide and sad.

  “Good morning.” She leaned down and gave him a chaste kiss on his slightly open mouth. “I thought you’d never wake up.”

  His mood matched hers. “I didn’t get to sleep until late.”

  “Did I keep you awake?”

  “Yes.” There was a wealth of meaning in that one word.

  Slowly she nodded her head in understanding. “I know. I woke up in the middle of the night and debated on whether or not I should wake you.”

  It was his turn to be surprised. “Why didn’t you?”

  “Because I was afraid you might reject my advances,” she stated simply. “I care too much to have you refuse me.”

  His brows rose in disbelief. “I’m not sure there’s a man alive who doesn’t want to be wanted in the middle of the night by a beautiful siren.” His dark brown eyes turned to velvet, a small smile tugging at his mouth. “Have I turned you into a sex maniac in one short day?”

  Suddenly she giggled a light sound that played across his nerves and heightened his senses. “Yes.” Then, in a softer voice, “I never knew...” Her voice faltered.

  He gave her waist a light squeeze before his hands traveled down the length of her body. “I know. Neither did I.”

  She looked shocked. “You? But you’re a man of the world. Surely the other day wasn’t your first time!”

  “It was with you.” His lips nipped her neck as he breathed in the scent of her.

  She smiled. “What a lovely thing to say.”

  “The truth is always lovely.”

  “Even when you don’t want to hear it?” she questioned, tensing, knowing that she was going to tell him her answer and he wasn’t going to like it.

  He sighed, as if knowing the answer. “Even when I don’t want to hear it. If you don’t tell me the truth, how will I ever know what you really want?” He regarded her soberly. “I need to know your thoughts, Victoria, or we’ll never go any further than we are today. And while today is wonderful, I want the guarantee of being with your tomorrow and tomorrow. I want to grow old with you and when we’re a hundred, I want to look across the room and see you there just as you are today. At least in my heart.”

  He heard himself utter the words, but it was hard to believe he had said them. He had never been so open with a woman before. He had never wanted to. Deep inside, his stomach clenched into a ball of nerves. He knew what she was going to say, and all he could do was delay the moment of truth.

  Her hand stroked the sun streaks in his hair, her eyes clouding over as his tongue made erotic patterns on her neck. “Kurt…”

  “Not yet, Victoria. Not yet,” he muttered, urgency pounding through his veins as he realized just how close he was to losing her. “Love me, Vicky. I need you.”

  And she did, telling him with her hands, her tongue and her quiet cries, just how much she loved him. But love was not a cure-all, and in the aftermath of passion, reality was still waiting in the wings for its time on center stage.

  She was entwined with his body, her head resting on his chest as she listened to the slowing pattern of his heartbeat. She ruffled the hair on his chest, “I can’t live with you, you know.”

  “I know.” His voice was tired, as if he, too, had wrestled with the problem. “But you’re still moving into the townhouse. If I can, I’ll change your mind in time, Victoria. Someday soon you’ll see that being married to me isn’t the same as being tied to a life of subjugation and fear, fear of being yourself and losing the one you love. I love you as you are, Vicky. Someday you’ll see that. You can be your own person just as well with me as without me. I’ll prove it to you, somehow.”

  She wasn’t sure if he made the promise to her or to himself, but it was as solemn as a vow.

  ***

  Breakfast was served on the patio, where they both reveled in the unexpected early morning sunshine, worshiping it with their bathing-suit-clad bodies.

  By lunchtime the air was filled with the intangible electricity that traveled between them. By dinner they were hardly speaking, saying more with their eyes than could ever be spoken aloud. Messages flew through the air, breathing was short and shallow, as each tried not to touch the other for fear of never being able to let go.

  Victoria savored him with her eyes, her emotions were so drawn that she thought she would scream with the exquisite agony of it. Still he made no advance, and she couldn’t. Her imagination continued down paths that kept her on her toes at the edge of emotions that felt like an unpredictable volcano. They stared at the stars over an after-dinner drink. The silence was deafening and yet Victoria felt as if she was barely holding in the thousands of words that wanted to spill out into an order that would scare him forever.

  Kurt was the first to break the quiet. ‘I’ll take you to the townhouse tomorrow. Your things were moved today.”

  Her brows rose. “And the rent?”

  “The same as we discussed.”

  “And you?” Her voice was barely a whisper.

  He didn’t pretend to misunderstand. “I’ll be within reach of the phone.”

  “For how long, I wonder?” she mused aloud, sadness enveloping her. Was she crazy to turn away the one man she honestly knew she loved? Her heart said yes, but a hidden fear deep in her continued to yell “No!”

  “As long as it takes.” His voice was grim, his gaze pinning her to her seat. A shiver ran down her spine.

  “And after tomorrow? When will I see you again?” She was pressing and knew it.

  “Any time you pick up the phone and ask me to come.”

  “Why are you doing this? Why can’t we be like we were last night? Why must you put strings on me?”

  “Because I can’t hold you, love you and then let you go. You have to learn to take me as I am. You must make the commitment, Victoria. I’ve already made my feelings known to you.”

  “You may change your mind” She knew he was right in not pressing her to come to his bed, yet, perversely, that was exactly what she wanted him to do. She wanted the decision to be out of her hands and his responsibility.

  “I won’t change my mind. As soon as you realize the importance of ‘us’ and the difference that it makes, I’ll be there for you.”

  Once again she was confused. He spoke sense; he seemed so honest and loving. Yet all her upbringing told her that she would lose herself in him, his work, his thoughts, and his ideals. She couldn’t lose herself now. She just couldn’t! She couldn’t take the chance of following in her mother’s footsteps, to find out later that she had to part from him before she could be herself or, worse yet, to find out that she could never be the woman he wanted, the woman he needed, and end up living in a horrible limbo, spending her life both with and without him.

  ***

  The moment Kurt unlocked the townhouse, Victoria was in love. It was sunny and warm and the rooms had a look of individuality, of homes. The kitchen was large enough to work in but not too large for coziness. The bedroom was a huge loft with a balcony overlooking half the living room. Her furniture was worn, but somehow it looked just as warm and comfortable here as it had in her uncle’s apartment.

  “I love it!” She squeezed her arms around her middle and danced around the large room before throwing herself into his arms. Then she backed quickly away.

  His smile was forced. “I’m glad.” He waved toward the phone. “On the underside of the phone is my private line at work and the house phone in Santa Barbara. The rest is up to you.” He walked to the coffee table and threw down the key. She could tell by his stride that he was angry and suddenly so was she.

  “And do you have a matching set?” Her voice was a sneer.

  “Of course. Afte
r all, you’re renting this property, remember? A good rental agent always keeps a spare set of keys.”

  “Of course.” Suddenly her anger was gone and dejection took its place.

  Kurt walked toward the door, his hand on the knob before he spoke again. “There’s an art show I’m supposed to attend next week. Will you allow me to escort you?”

  She hesitated a long moment, then nodded. “Yes.” She turned and walked toward the kitchen. Her back was to him, so he couldn’t see the bright light of anticipation in her eyes. “When and where?”

  “Next Friday. Eight o’clock.”

  “I’ll be ready.”

  Then the door latch clicked and he was gone.

  “I really love you, you know,” she told the empty room, wishing he was still there and holding her in his arms. She had been alone most of her adult life and she had always loved her solitude. Until now. Suddenly she hated it.

  It took her exactly four days to get her new home in shape and return to her regular writing schedule. Another week and Victoria’s article on the Anderson Report would be completed, though without any dark and dangerous revelations. It was in rough draft and all she had to do was polish it up and put it through the computer spelling and grammar once more.

  Gina came by one evening and helped celebrate her new surroundings, not mentioning Kurt. But her eyes were full of questions which Victoria couldn’t answer. It was a stilted evening, with both friends avoiding the one topic on both their minds.

  When Friday night finally came, Victoria spent more time than she ever had before in getting ready for her date with Kurt. She hadn’t had the nerve to call him and he certainly hadn’t tried to call her. She knew because she had only left the house twice that week, and both times were late at night to grocery shop at one of the all-night stores down the street.

  Victoria’s eyes consumed Kurt as he stood in the doorway of the townhouse. He was wearing a white tuxedo jacket with black dress pants that clung to his muscled hips and thighs.