Glass Beads

by Dawn Dumont

  “What?”

  “I have a lot of stuff to buy for the baby and I don’t want to keep asking you because you’re busy and I mean there’s a lot of stuff.”

  “Like what? They drink milk and shit. And you got enough milk there for a dozen kids.” He squeezed her boob.

  Julie winced and slapped his hand away. “Seriously Taz.”

  “Tell me what you need and I’ll get it.”

  “You want me to make you a list?”

  “What’s wrong with that?”

  “What’s wrong with that?” she repeated quietly. It wasn’t under her breath or whispered, it was her thinking out loud, trying to figure out the next leg in her argument. She let the water out of the sink. There was a rude sucking sound.

  “Don’t start pouting.”

  “I’m not. I’m trying to clear my head.” She took a deep breath. “It’s kind of insulting. You know. It’s like you don’t trust me.” She felt weird like she was repeating something she’d heard on TV.

  “I trust you. I just don’t want you touching my money.”

  Julie laughed more out of frustration than anything else. She gave up then and decided to go check on the laundry when she felt the push. She hit the basement door and sort of collapsed against it. If she wasn’t so big and clumsy, she probably would have caught herself. Instead she felt her knees hit the floor.

  “Ow.”

  He helped her up and led her over to the table and she eased into a chair.

  “Did you push me?”

  He stared at her. She looked in a circle around his head, not wanting to make eye contact. Her heart rate was rising and she deliberately pushed it back.

  “I tripped,” he said.

  She laughed. “And I thought I was the one who was clumsy.”

  She kept her eyes on her hands, folded on the table in front of her. She heard him shuffle behind her and then his footsteps as he headed back to his man cave.

  If she wasn’t pregnant, she would have called after him sarcastically, “I’m fine by the way.” But that would be stupid considering she moved at sloth speed.

  She took a breath and held it for four seconds. Then exhaled.

  If Julie had money, she would have gone to a hotel. So she was glad she didn’t because that would give her an excuse to go back the next day. She walked straight into the house.

  Nellie was sitting on the couch; Malcolm was on her lap. He smiled at Julie and she smiled back.

  “What are you doing out?” Nellie asked.

  Julie smiled and shook her head. She moved her purse from one shoulder to the other.

  Everett was on the floor putting a piece of furniture together. He grinned up at her. “You’re ruining the surprise.”

  Nellie pointed. “That’s your new crib. I know it looks scary right now but Everett should be able to figure it out.”

  Everett glared at Nellie, “It’ll be fine.”

  “It only cost fifty bucks extra to get the store to assemble it is what I’m saying.” Nellie glanced at the door behind Julie, “Taz parking the car?”

  “He’s at home.”

  “You came by yourself?”

  Julie sat on the chair closest to the door. It was over-stuffed and comfortable. Julie had been with Nellie when she bought it. They were both overwhelmed by the price tag until Nellie said, Aw, the hell with it. Julie ran her fingers down the ultra-suede. “Taz pushed me.”

  “What?”

  “He pushed me into a door.”

  “You mean, he put his hands on you and pushed you?” Nellie made the movements with her hands.

  “And then I hit the floor.” Julie felt like she was inside of a dream.

  “Are you serious?” Everett was getting to his feet.

  “Calm down, that’s not gonna — ”

  Everett had already left the room. Nellie’s eyes followed him.

  “Here.” Nellie handed the baby to Julie who balanced him carefully on her baby bump and went after Everett.

  Malcolm smiled at Julie. She took his hand and measured it against her own. She’d always had such big hands but Malcolm’s were similar to hers. “You’re growing so fast,” she told him. “Slow down a bit.”

  She heard the back door open and close. Nellie walked in and looked at her. “Are you hungry?”

  Julie shook her head.

  “I’ll make some popcorn.”

  Julie stared down at the half-finished crib. It was blue.

  Everett sat inside the car. Taz and Julie’s house was so big, one of the fanciest houses he’d ever seen. White with a big garage. He remembered breaking into a house like this once. Drank all the booze and passed out on the couch. Even drunk, he didn’t feel good enough to sleep in one of its bedrooms.

  He glanced at the clock. Ten thirty. By this time, Taz would know she’d left. He’d be starting to get angry before he got scared, so scared that he started thinking of stuff to buy her or cleaned up the kitchen or some other stupid “nice” thing that guys did. Everett had a stepfather once; he knew the drill.

  Taz was sitting in the dining room when he walked in. He had a beer in front of him.

  “Get up.”

  “No.”

  “Get up.”

  Taz rose to his feet. Everett slammed him in the face. Taz stumbled backwards.

  “Fight back.”

  Taz held his hands in front of him, palms up. “What would be the point?”

  It was a fair question, Everett thought, as his second punch connected with Taz’s right cheek. A third was a direct hit to his nose. It bled. This made Everett happy. Blood in a fight always had that effect.

  Taz held his hands to nose to catch the blood. It was leaking through his fingers. Everett hit him one more time, this time in the gut so he went down to his knees. A rare sight to see a chief on his knees.

  Everett pulled out a chair and sat down and reached for a beer.

  It took a long time for Taz to get back up. He gave Everett a wary glance as he sat down again. He reached for a towel lying on the table and held it to his nose.

  “I thought all your teachings kept you from drinking.” His voice was muffled.

  Everett took a long sip before answering. “Keeps me from killing you.”

  He pointed at the forty-inch flat screen staring him in the face. “That new?”

  “Yeah.”

  “We’re old married people now. You shouldn’t be pulling this shit.” Everett’s voice sounded weird to him. The room was full of a copper smell. He took another sip of beer. “I’ve always hated guys like you. Guys who slap around their pregnant girlfriends who can’t even fight back.”

  Taz coughed a bit and spit up what looked like a ball of blood and spit.

  “You win. You’re the better man.” He said, finally. “But I got the bigger TV.”

  “I’ll just get Nellie to buy me one.”

  Everett picked up a beer and handed it to Taz. “Come on now.”

  “This is my house.” Taz’s voice sounded whiny. He must’ve thought so too because he cleared his throat. “Get the fuck out.”

  “We’re gonna drink up all your booze.” Everett looked up at Taz. “And then you’re never gonna buy another drop.”

  Taz stared at Everett like he had a lot to say. But he didn’t. Instead he sat down and pulled the beer closer.

  Everett took a sip and nodded. “Where’s the tunes?”

  Julie was awake in the guest room. It was in the basement and it was cold down there. She pulled the downy comforter over her head and her world was all white and cozy. She stroked her belly; felt a kick and smiled. “Yes I feel you,” she said.

  Nellie padded into the room wearing a big thick robe and a long nightdress underneath. Nellie was the only person other than people on TV that Julie had seen wear pyjamas to bed. She sat on the edge of the bed. “How are you feeling?”

  “I’m fine.” Julie sat up. “It was only a push.” She looked down at her hands.

  “A push is a pu
sh.”

  “It’s never enough though, right?”

  “What does that mean?”

  “I’ve left him so many times.” Julie wanted to pull the comforter over her head. She felt a cold wind sweep through her body making goosebumps appear on her arms. “I’ve never made it on my own.”

  “You have.” Julie heard uncertainty in Nellie’s voice. She could hear Nellie already organizing Julie’s life, putting clothes in dressers and hanging up jackets, calling up friends for favours and finding Julie a sitter, then a job . . .

  Julie stared at painting of three Native women silhouetted against the northern lights. One was the mom, one was the child and the third was the grandmother.“The worst time — the time I went away — ”

  “To Alberta — ”

  “Yes. He told me it was an accident too. Like he was so drunk that he thought I was someone else and he didn’t know what was happening. He told me that in the hospital. He was crying and I felt bad for him. Can you fucking believe that?”

  Nellie’s eyes were on the clock on the stand next to the bed.

  Julie went on, “But it didn’t change anything, it didn’t make it hurt less, and it didn’t bring my baby back.”

  “The baby?” Nellie’s eyes were wide.

  Julie continued, wanting to get it all out. “And this time, he was sober so . . . maybe he’s getting worse?”

  “If I’d known he was hitting you . . . ”

  “Didn’t everyone sort of know?”

  Nellie took a deep breath before she nodded. “What kind of person does that make me?”

  Julie bowed her head. She wanted to be home, sleeping with her head ten inches from his. Not here, making trouble for people who were trying to be nice to her.

  “What kind of person lets someone hurt their child?” Julie’s voice was a razor.

  Nellie reached for Julie’s hand. They weren’t touchyfeely the two of them. Julie actually liked that about them. But maybe it was okay to let her friend try to help her. I am pregnant she reminded herself. Like totally knocked up. Her laugh came out weird. Nellie glanced at her. “You choking?”

  Julie shook her head. Nellie took her hand away and rubbed that wrinkle between her eyebrows.

  Julie remembered when she used to watch Nellie do her homework. Nellie focussed on every single subject with the same intensity. She would wrap her mind around all of it because it was more important to be good at everything than be great at one thing and suck at a few.

  Her voice sounded weird when she spoke. “Would you mind sleeping upstairs? I have to go to the office and pick up my stuff.”

  Julie shook her head. “You can’t leave him too.”

  But Nellie had already left the room.

  At the first glimpse of the sun, Everett rose abruptly from the table and walked out of the room. Taz wasn’t surprised to hear the door close behind him. Everett had always been like that. He got a nervous energy when he drank.

  Taz stumbled to the bathroom and stared at the tenderized flesh in front of him. Wouldn’t be able to hide that at the next meeting. He thought up a good lie and then walked back to the bedroom and fell onto the bed.

  A good sleep can fix almost everything his mom used to tell him. “And yet you were never happy,” he whispered into his pillow.

  The Curtain

  April 2008

  IT WAS A SMALL room, three chairs padded in a wine-red velvet. Nellie figured it wasn’t a real velvet though, some kind of cotton plush product that conference halls used. The rug on the floor looked like it had been stained and cleaned with a tide of carpet cleaners a thousand times. There was a curtain, blue velvet this one, hanging between her and the dull roar of a thousand voices. Never been on this side before.

  She could feel her intestines twisting in an ancient dance of fear. Her knees shook in time to the beat of her heart. Next her teeth would start chattering and if that happened she was screwed.

  I could leave, I could go home. I could say I got sick. But everyone would know I chickened out.

  I can do this, Nellie reminded herself. I’ve been to law school, I’m a mom, and I’ve survived a relationship with Everett Kaiswatim — I can handle anything.

  He was out there on the other side, with their son because they still hadn’t found a decent sitter.

  He didn’t know what to make of this, only that if she was sure, then that’s all that mattered.

  Except I’m not.

  The door opened and Taz walked in. He was leaner than he’d been in a long time. She heard through gossip that he went home to Crow’s Nest for a bit to sit with the Elders. Nellie knew the truth. He needed to be around his family because Julie still hadn’t come home.

  “Hey,” he said.

  “Hi.” He looked friendly enough.

  “Got your speech ready to go?”

  Nellie nodded.

  “You look nervous.”

  She shrugged.

  He pulled back the curtain and the roar got louder.

  “I never saw a set up like this,” he said. “Normally we stand near the stage. This is something fancy. Gives you time to prepare, if you need it.”

  First strike. Next one would be aimed at her body.

  “Nice jeans.” He was smirking. “Trying to look like one of the people?”

  The jeans had been a calculated choice. She knew her suits weren’t going to win anyone over and would in fact alienate most of the crowd who associated dress up clothing with whites and sellouts. And a dress would be weird in this room full of old guys with western shirts tucked into Levis. So jeans it was.

  “They’re saying you’re a lawyer who’s never even been to her reserve.”

  “I grew up on my reserve.” While daydreaming about leaving it forever. She and Everett had gone home a few weekends before to tell her parents that she was running. Her mom was disappointed; she wanted Nellie to stay home with the baby. Her dad hadn’t said anything just raised his eyebrows and asked them if they wanted hotdogs or hamburgers.

  “They’re calling you an apple.”

  “I’ve heard that before.” Not to her face but when she heard the description of what an apple was, she knew people would think she fit that mold. Probably the wine-drinking. And the Volvo. But it was such a perfect car. Damn Germans, making her look like a sellout.

  “People don’t know why you’d want to run.”

  “Spite.”

  Taz laughed. “That’s the worst reason I’ve ever heard.”

  “It’s a reason though.”

  “A shitty one.”

  “What about yours? Money, power, women? More money?”

  “Nobody cares about that. As long as you get things done.”

  “Did you?”

  Taz sighed. “You know I did my best Nellie. They were going to force it down our throats anyway.”

  Nellie knew this.

  “And then you left in the middle of the night like a poor Indian on rent day. Just left me here all alone.”

  This was true. But . . . “I have my limits Taz. Mine is Julie coming into my house telling me that you hit her.”

  She saw him flinch. But he didn’t turn away. “It’ll look good that you’re running. Makes ASC look like they’re progressive. Few chiefs will even vote for you. Mostly as a fuck-you to me. But nobody wants a woman chief. You’re . . . ” Taz pretended to check his watch, “about ten years too early.”

  “Too bad, I’m here now.”

  “I think you’d make a good leader. But you should start small, like at the reserve level. Y’know learn the ropes.”

  “You didn’t.”

  “I’ve been in politics my whole life.”

  “Seems like you’re trying to talk me out of it. Seems like you’re scared.” Nellie didn’t like how she was breathless already.

  Taz shrugged. “Not in the least.”

  A man looked behind the curtain, short and dark with thick glasses, he did the tech for all ASC events. He looked wary of both of them.
“You ready?” This was directed at Nellie. She nodded. He dropped the curtain.

  Taz tapped her shoulder. “There you go. Knock’em dead.”

  “I won’t. I’m not a good public speaker. My voice is for shit.”

  “Too bad.”

  Nellie got up, she smoothed her jeans and pulled the waistband over her leftover belly bump. Damn Native body, her waist so undefined her jeans got confused all the time.

  She straightened herself up and looked at Taz who had sat down. She promised Julie that she wouldn’t let it happen on stage. She owed him that much. Even now. She owed him for bringing her here. She owed him for a thousand laughs over a table strewn with beer bottles. She owed him for bring her tea. “Taz . . . Julie went to the police.”

  Taz’s jaw tightened. “For what?”

  Nellie sighed, her trademark, all-the-way-down-to-her-toes-exhale. “Don’t even. You can’t be chief with a criminal record. Our rules are tougher than moniyaw rules. You know that.”

  Nellie picked up her notepad, her bullet points memorized but she wanted it with her anyway.

  Never hurt to be prepared. She was still shaking, but shaking Nellie was going to have to be enough.

  She looked back up at Taz. He was staring down at his phone. He had a lot of messages.

  There was a pain in her lower back like cramps but sharper. Insistent.

  Julie was in the living room in the big chair, throwing a ball to Malcolm. He couldn’t catch it but he laughed every time it entered the air, bounced on the floor and rolled to his feet.

  She had moved in with Nellie and Everett. They were always around her these days. Sheltering her from being one of those women who are single and mothers. But Julie had never felt less alone. Her mom was frequently in her thoughts, offering advice and cautions. Every month they grew closer: this is where you were at this point, this is how you felt, this is what you were thinking.

  Another ache, this one deeper, like when she was a teenager and would sit against the wall at the school and sometimes a rock would be in your back and you wouldn’t bother to move because you were laughing so hard. Where were her friends now? Julie looked around the room. Nellie was working at her computer, her brow wrinkled. Her hair was sprinkled with grey, having no time these days for appointments.