Back After the Break

by Anita Notaro

  That night Lindsay cooked a proper dinner for the first time in months and the girls were seriously impressed with her confit of duck leg with honey and spices and roast pheasant with red cabbage and real potato crisps. Afterwards they listened to music and the sound of rain lashing and drank hot whiskies and fought over the armchair nearest the fire.

  Each day they walked for miles and took turns to carry Freddie in a very clever and practical sling that Debbie had picked up in New York, which gave him a great view as they trundled along. They stopped to buy fresh fish and home-made bread from the locals and the baby was unconscious most of the time, thanks to an abundance of fresh air. Charlie revelled in the attention and Lindsay gave him loads, sorry that he’d been a bit neglected in the past few months.

  On New Year’s Eve they’d planned to go out, but everywhere was miles away and no one wanted to drive, so they dressed up, Debbie cooked and they drank bottles of ice-cold pink champagne, toasting themselves over and over again and making their resolutions.

  Tara went first cause she was the easiest. ‘I’m going to be Mrs Michael Russell and I’m going to have the nicest wedding and hopefully live happily ever after.’ They hugged her and desperately wished for it all to come true for her. Lindsay knew she missed Michael but she had insisted on being with her two friends on this special New Year’s Eve and Lindsay knew it was largely because of her.

  ‘This time last year I never thought I’d be so lucky,’ she grinned. ‘You deserve it.’ They smiled and toasted ‘Tara and Michael’.

  Debbie’s resolution was succinct. ‘I’m going to date someone for more than a week,’ she announced and they both knew what she meant. ‘I’m going to stop looking for great sex and try for a great laugh. I figure that’s where I’m going wrong.’

  ‘Good sex sometimes happens when you get to know someone,’ Tara smiled.

  ‘But don’t you dare settle for a relationship without stupendously good sex,’ Lindsay warned, knowing there was no chance of that happening.

  ‘Also, I’m going to think about changing my job,’ Debbie surprised them by saying. ‘I’ve had enough of being a trolley dolly.’

  ‘Good for you.’ Tara looked at Lindsay and neither of them could picture her doing anything else, but somehow knew she’d find something.

  ‘OK, madam, what about you?’ Both girls looked at Lindsay.

  ‘Well, this time last year I was already pregnant, can you believe that?’ They couldn’t.

  ‘The night before New Year’s Eve was the last time I was with Chris.’

  They all went quiet for a moment. ‘So I’ve decided to go back to how I used to be.’ They were confused.

  ‘I’ve spent so much time looking backwards and being scared all the time and worried about the future, that I want to be a bit more like the old Lindsay. I’ve become a bit of a moan and a wimp. I want to be gutsy and courageous again.’

  They all had tears in their eyes, a bit emotional from too much heat and far too much champagne, as they hugged and kissed and wished. It was a special moment and each knew exactly what the other two meant.

  Chapter Forty-Eight

  LINDSAY PUT HER resolutions into practice as soon as she went back to work. She spoke to Barbara Laing, the senior producer on the show, and explained how she felt. Before she’d stumbled over the first three sentences, the other girl stopped her.

  ‘You’re absolutely right and I’m to blame. You’ve just been so good at organizing things that I’ve let you do it all, and it’s meant you’ve had all of the slog and none of the glamour. So, from the end of the month you’re on the road and I want you to go to the two main fashion shows this week and meet all the stylists. Also there’s a major Cosmetic Hall opening in town on Thursday and they have a special night for invited guests and celebrities on Wednesday. Go and say hello to all the make-up artists and hairdressers.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Certain, and sorry for not doing something sooner. You’ve been great for the show.’

  ‘Well, in a way it suited me, you see, I have a young baby and I’m on my own.’ It was the first time she’d said it to a stranger.

  ‘I didn’t know that, you never said anything. Well, look, I know how rough that can be, my sister’s in the same boat, so please shout if the schedule gets too tough or you need time off or anything, OK?’

  Lindsay was really happy and her working life took off again after that and it was everything she wanted it to be. She went to all the press shows and fashion extravaganzas, which were usually held in the mornings anyway, and she got into all the latest trends in clothes and hair and make-up and started to blossom again. She was constantly advising the girls to ‘buy a wide belt to go with that’ or ‘bigger earrings would be great’ and they teased her and borrowed all her new make-up colours.

  Freddie got bigger and longer and started to crawl and make sounds and he was an absolute treasure and everyone spoiled him rotten.

  Lindsay loved him more than she had ever believed possible and adored being his mother. He had Chris’s intense blue eyes and sallow skin, and he looked nothing like her until he smiled.

  And Lindsay no longer fantasized about the three of them being a happy family. She knew she’d been somehow hoping to hear from Chris over the Christmas period, but that hadn’t happened and she’d finally accepted that this was her lot in life and was content. She knew she was heading for another crisis if she read about his wedding to the American actress, but she no longer thought about him all the time and anyway, she had a big chunk of him and no one could take that away. And when she looked at Freddie and saw Chris she was glad, deep down, that he was his father and she had great hopes for her son’s future.

  Meanwhile, the threesome was back in business, planning Tara’s wedding and helping Debbie find a man by invading all the local hot spots and enjoying themselves immensely. Lindsay was back in contact with her friend Carrie from the Training Course, who was in a serious relationship with Dan Pearson, the floor manager. Lindsay had told her about the baby but hadn’t said who the father was, mainly because she knew Chris and Dan were friendly and she just wasn’t sure. As far as Carrie was concerned Chris and Lindsay had never really been an item and she didn’t know him at all. Lindsay liked her and knew she’d tell her the whole story someday, but meanwhile she asked her not to tell anyone, even Dan, although Chris was far away and unlikely to come back in the foreseeable future.

  In March, Lindsay took a long weekend off and brought Freddie to the States to meet his cousins, as Colin called them. Once again they flew first class thanks to Debbie, and Freddie was no trouble, to Lindsay’s amazement.

  Colin collected them again in his pick-up truck and she finally got to meet the girls, who were absolutely adorable and terribly excited about having a real baby to play with.

  ‘You look terrific.’ Colin hugged her as they left the airport. ‘Better than I’ve ever seen you look.’

  ‘I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself,’ she grinned at him. ‘Anyway, I had to tone up because I’m a bridesmaid in a couple of months and I’m damned if I’m letting the bride steal all the limelight.’

  ‘Well, your efforts have been worthwhile, you look wonderful.’

  ‘All that water and fruit had to pay off sometime. So for the next couple of days it’s pancakes, beer and Chinese.’

  They went out on day trips and ate together in small restaurants and they were a lively, noisy bunch and Lindsay loved it all.

  On her second evening there they sat on the roof terrace when the kids were all settled and Lindsay marvelled at how far she’d come since her visit last year.

  Colin put his arms around her and kissed her.

  ‘What about you and me?’ he asked, not taking his eyes off her face.

  She’d known that this moment would come but she still wasn’t prepared for it.

  ‘Is there a you and me?’ he asked gently.

  ‘You’ve been one of the best things that’s e
ver happened to me, you know that . . .’

  ‘But?’

  She was silent for a long time.

  ‘But I don’t think I’ve let go of Chris,’ she said in a whisper.

  ‘That’s OK, I think I’ve known that all along. I think we just met at the wrong time and I’m sorry, because I think I really wanted you to be the one.’

  They sat for ages, not talking, holding on to each other.

  ‘I’ve banished him from my thoughts and I don’t dream about him any more, but the bastard just won’t shift his ass out of my heart. Can you understand that?’

  ‘Sure and I’ll get over it, so don’t worry. I think I always knew. But it didn’t stop me hoping.’

  ‘Maybe it’s because of Freddie. Sometimes I look at him and it’s like a miniature Chris smiling back at me and I feel so lonely for him. But deep down now I think we were never meant to be.’

  ‘I still think you should have talked to him.’

  ‘I will someday, but he’s probably married to someone else by now and I don’t think talking to him would change anything. Too much time has passed.’

  They chatted for hours and agreed to go on the way they were for the moment.

  ‘I don’t want to lose you from my life. I couldn’t bear it, I’ve lost too many people already.’

  ‘You won’t, don’t worry.’

  ‘Will you come to Tara’s wedding with me?’

  ‘Yes, if I’m not filming, I’ll be your sweetheart for the day,’ he bowed and grinned at her.

  ‘And what about you, where are you at?’

  He sort of smiled at her.

  ‘You know, I think I’m ready to get out there again. In a way, you were just what I needed too.’

  She hugged him and was happy and sad at the same time and she wished that he could have been the one, because if there was a second-best father out there for Freddie, it was surely the man sitting in front of her tonight.

  It was a great trip. Lindsay was sorry to be leaving him again but the girls were devastated and he promised to bring them to Dublin in the summer when Lindsay swore they could spend as much time as they liked with Freddie.

  The girls spent long nights and lazy Sundays helping Tara with her wedding plans. She and Michael had decided on a small wedding, only about thirty people at the ceremony, then lunch in one of Dublin’s most exclusive restaurants, followed by a big party for all their friends that night. Thanks to Lindsay’s new contacts they’d found a hip young designer who was making all the dresses, and they pored over books and magazines searching for ideas. Tara decided quickly that she wanted something simple, in cream silk with a detailed bodice and a long veil. The girls were much more fussy and spent days going around the shops looking for inspiration, and had great fun trying on meringues. It was now less than three months away and they were all on a serious health kick, so many evenings were spent in the gym, with Freddie laughing up at them from his chair.

  Spring turned to summer and her ‘baby’ became a little boy and started to walk and talk. He was almost one year old and got cuter every day. His skin was toasted from days in the sunshine in the garden, despite his hat and masses of sun block. It was simply Chris’s skin all over again and his eyes looked even bluer against the sky and he was tall with a mop of dark curls that Lindsay couldn’t bring herself to tame. She thought he was absolutely gorgeous and was always kissing him and telling him so.

  One day she was in her tiny front garden, weeding and moving around plants. Freddie was having a ball with a bucket and spade nearby. He was wearing his first real pair of jeans with a denim shirt and he looked all grown up as he grinned at her and tried to talk. A tall hedge hid them from the outside world and she hummed to herself while working, glad to be outside, feeling the sun warm on her arms and neck and shoulders in her little pale blue, strappy, floral dress, with her hair caught back in a ribbon. One of her neighbours passed and told her she was a sight for sore eyes and she laughed. When she looked up at the gate again Chris stood there. She blinked and took off her sunglasses and squinted, convinced her mind was playing tricks once more. But when she looked again he was still there.

  Chapter Forty-Nine

  ‘HI.’

  She stared at him.

  ‘Hi.’ She couldn’t move so she remained on her knees, looking up, trowel in hand.

  ‘Da Da,’ or something similar, said a small voice but he didn’t hear it cause a car was passing and she knew no one would believe her anyway, when she told them later.

  ‘I rang the office and they said you’d taken a few days off and I wasn’t sure you’d return my call so I took a chance and came here. How’ve you been?’

  ‘Fine.’ What else could be said in one sentence, in a small front garden on a hot Tuesday afternoon, with the traffic drowning them out and their son playing nearby?

  ‘Can I come in?’

  ‘Erm, I was actually just going . . .’ But he was in already and he saw Freddie and she went cold and was frightened.

  He bent down. ‘Hello, are you digging the garden too?’ he asked the little boy and Lindsay saw father and son together for the first time, both in blue jeans with piercing eyes and different smiles, yet with the same sallow skin and hair and legs that were too long, and she knew she was completely unprepared for this moment. He held out his hand and Freddie grabbed it, almost toppling over yet determined to hold on to his independence.

  ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were babysitting. Shall I call back later?’

  She wanted to say yes, come back later, when I’ll be more able to cope, but was afraid that the temptation to send Freddie away in advance would be too strong and for the first time she knew with certainty that too much time had already passed. Now that she’d seen them together she wondered if she had been right to keep them apart. He was watching her closely and she knew at that moment what she had to do.

  ‘No, come in, I was just going to stop for a cup of tea or maybe even a glass of wine. It’s almost six.’ She kept talking, rubbish, anything to make him stay. He stood up and so did she and Freddie grabbed his leg and he laughed.

  ‘He’s just started walking and I’m afraid he won’t be picked up easily.’

  ‘You are one gorgeous little guy, do you know that?’ Chris held out his hand, Freddie grabbed it, and father and son walked slowly after her into the house and neither knew it. She led the way into the kitchen, washed her hands and poured some wine to buy time. Charlie came to sniff Chris and he bent down and rubbed the animal, then Charlie rolled over and Freddie laughed.

  ‘Woof,’ or something vaguely similar, he shouted, pointing to Charlie and Chris smiled and nodded.

  ‘Silly dog, always wants his tummy rubbed. Don’t you, Charlie? Do you ever want your tummy rubbed?’ he asked and the child smiled. Chris pulled up Freddie’s shirt and rubbed his tummy and the little boy lay on his back and put his hands and legs in the air and laughed, the way he did with Lindsay when they played with Charlie. And she watched, mesmerized, as both her dog and her baby rolled over and became putty in his hands and she wondered how long it would be before she did the same.

  He caught her looking at him and stood up quickly, as if remembering why he was there. ‘Sorry, I got carried away. He’s very cute. What’s his name?’

  ‘Freddie.’

  He laughed and nodded agreement. ‘Great name for a little boy. I’ll bet he’s definitely a Freddie.’

  She changed the subject quickly, not remotely ready to go there just yet.

  ‘Want to sit out in the garden? It’s cooler. I’m afraid the kitchen is stifling with the heat of the Aga.’

  ‘Sure.’ He followed her and kept an eye on Freddie, who tottered along holding on to Charlie.

  She sat down at her little garden table and Freddie started digging again nearby.

  ‘How’ve you been?’

  ‘Good, thanks. When did you get back from the States?’

  ‘Yesterday.’

  ‘Did it go w
ell?’

  ‘Yes, I think it did.’

  ‘How long are you staying?’

  ‘I dunno, I’ve told them I’m not renewing my contract.’

  ‘Oh, why?’ What about his fiancée, or maybe his wife, she wondered but hadn’t the courage to ask.

  ‘I’m not sure I want to live there, too many things I miss.’ He hadn’t said ‘we’, she noticed.

  She said nothing and after a moment he stood up and walked away from her, as if to put some distance between them. He turned slowly to face her, ran his fingers through his hair and looked down at her and spoke quietly.

  ‘You broke my heart, do you know that?’

  She shook her head and he searched her face and looked as if he was going to say more then changed his mind. She wanted to tell him how she felt, but too much had happened and she was afraid to trust him again after all this time.

  ‘I didn’t mean to dump all this on you, but I think we need to talk. Maybe you could call me when you’re ready. It’s been doing my head in for a long time now and I want to sort it out, one way or the other. I think you owe me that, at least.’ He looked at her, waiting, and her heart was thumping. When nothing happened he picked up his glass and walked back into the house and she grabbed Freddie and ran after him, not sure what to say but afraid to let him get away again.

  ‘Call me, please?’ he said and turned to pick up his keys on the little table by the door and suddenly he stopped dead and stared, then turned sharply to look at her, then turned back again to the table.

  He picked up the little framed photo and stared at it, then turned back once more to look at her.

  ‘Why have you got this picture of me as a baby? Where did you get it?’ He looked puzzled.

  She said nothing because her voice had deserted her and her legs were just about to do the same.

  ‘It’s almost the same as one my mother has at home. Did she give it to you that night, after the last show, when I caught the two of you looking very pally?’ He looked confused and stared at it and then at her and back at the picture again. Still she said nothing.