by A. J. Pryor
“Matt,” I sigh, “I don’t remember you ever being this persistent.”
He smiles. “I never had to be before. You kind of loved me at first sight and never let go.”
I have to concede at his accurate account of our relationship.
“Why are you here?”
He walks past me, not waiting for an invite.
“Addy,” His hand is over his heart, his words deliberate and intent. “I know you’re still hurt and I don’t blame you. Sorry doesn’t begin to cover how wrong it was of me to leave you.”
“Matt, I forgive you. But that doesn’t give you the right to barge in here whenever you see fit. Boundaries, Matt. We need some boundaries.”
“I never stopped loving you, Addison, never once.”
“Matt, you got married.”
“Biggest mistake of my life.”
“I don’t plan on being your second biggest mistake.”
He takes a step forward. “You spent two hours with me after you got fired, Addison. Not him, me. Doesn’t that tell you anything?”
He’s right. When I bumped into him that afternoon, a feeling of relief washed through my body. That someone who once loved me was there to help and listen to my side of the story. That maybe I wasn’t as alone as I’d thought in that moment. But in reality, that emotion was only a recognition of a first love, a remembrance of a feeling that was once so vibrant in my life. And yes, if he hadn’t taken off and left me, if so much time hadn’t passed between us, he could have quite possibly been my forever as well, but that’s not how our lives played out.
I begin to shake my head, but he takes a step towards me, and grabs my left hand. “Addison, I’m not the same person who left you five years ago.”
“That’s the problem, Matt. I don’t know who you are anymore. The Matt I loved would never have gotten married for money or a business deal. He never would have cheated on his wife. And if the old Matt were standing right here in front of me, I’d never be able to tell him to leave. Because I loved that Matt, would have done anything for him.”
Stroking his thumb along the back of my hand, he says, “That person’s still a part of me Addison. But I’ve grown up over the past five years, and when I see something I want, I take it. I wanted success, I wanted prestige and I now want you. You’re the only missing piece of my life and nothing will feel complete until I have you in it.”
My palms are starting to sweat and a queasy dread works its way through my gut. “Matt, I’ve already opened my heart to someone else.” I want to pull back, but he curls his hand around my fingers and holds on a little tighter. “You’ve given me closure, something I’ve craved since you left.”
He runs his other hand through his perfect brown hair and points his blue heated gaze at me. “Closure? Nothing about the past few months has felt like closure Addy. I know I’m not crazy. We work. We’ve always worked. And if for one minute you could let go of the past, if you could see the future that I do, you wouldn’t be denying us either.”
A terrible taste enters my mouth and my heart races, not sure where it wants to go. Everything is beginning to spin and tilt out of focus. I’m alone, in my apartment with my ex-boyfriend—this is not good.
When I look at Matt, I don’t see love, friendship or trust. I see five years’ worth of pain that I can never get back. Looking at him brings up so much shit that I never want to see again. It’s a reminder that I allowed myself to get lost, that I allowed myself to be weak and I’ll never put myself in that position again.
“Matt, I’ve really moved on.”
He pulls me closer. “Addy, I never intended to be gone forever.” His eyes looked pained and his expression is one of deep regret. I can’t help but feel a slight twinge of sympathy for the man in front of me. If what he’s saying is true, if his marriage really was a farce, it’s quite possible he spent the past five years in as much pain as I was. “I don’t regret leaving you Addison. I did that to make a better life for both of us. Everything I’ve ever done has been for you, for us. But I deeply regret the way I went about building that life.”
His hand grips mine tighter.
Falling back into Matt’s arms isn’t on my radar. Damian and I haven’t had the smoothest start, but I owe it to him, I owe it to myself to give us the best shot I can.
“Addy, my divorce will be final in three months. Give us a chance.” He slips his hand inside his pocket.
“I’ve loved you from the moment I saw you Addison. I’ve never stopped.” He pulls his hand out of his pocket and the sunlight catches the gleam of a diamond. I’m too shocked to say anything. It’s big and shiny. I stand there stunned, no words forming on my tongue as I stare at the beautiful gem he’s holding out to me.
He pulls me into an embrace, my cheek pressed against his chest, breathing in his cologne and feeling his heart hammer against my face. I still see the bright shine of the diamond, feel the soft material of the T-shirt he’s wearing against my skin, yet my mind has left me, possibly my soul as well, both floating on the ceiling staring down at a situation that is so very wrong.
“Marry me, Addison. Marry me in three months, next year, in five years. I don’t care, just please marry me. Come with me to New York, be my family. Help me right the wrong I did to us.”
I pull back and look up at a man I once loved with every part of my being. This is a moment I dreamed about for so long and I can’t believe it’s happening. I don’t want it to happen. The sight of the ring weighs down on my heart. None of this is right. My hands begin to shake as reality closes in. I look down at the diamond then back into the red-rimmed eyes of Matt Bryson. My future, my hope, my dreams all gone in the blink of an eye.
“Matt, I . . . I don’t . . .”
“Don’t give me an answer tonight, Addy. Think about it. Take the ring and think about. Try to remember how good we once were. We could travel the world. You could do everything you never got to. I’d give you anything you ever wanted.”
All I ever wanted was a life with him—a perfectly planned out life that never happened. But I don’t want that life anymore. My life changed directions almost three months ago when a new neighbor moved in and that’s the route I plan to stay on.
“Would you rather use the porta-potty at the county fair or the one at the beach?”
“I think Sweet Pea, that may just be the most disgusting one you’ve asked yet.”
She’s sitting in her white hospital bed, the bottoms of her feet touching in a butterfly position and a big smile on her face. Her large white teeth shining brightly.
“I’m going to answer beach. It would have to smell slightly better, right?”
She giggles, and my heart tightens. “I’m really happy you’re not feeling sick anymore.” I lean forward and kiss her head.
“Me too.”
She yawns big, and I know it’s time to leave. I’ve been here all day. She needs her sleep and I need to get home and back to Addison. Emily is being discharged tomorrow morning and she’s going to be all right for the time being.
“Why isn’t Addison here?”
I’m momentarily startled by her innocent question. When I heard she’d been sick, the only thought to enter my mind was to get here as quickly as I could. But why wouldn’t I bring Addison?
“Do you want her to come every time I visit you?”
She smiles and nods. “Yes. She plays a better Would You Rather?”
“Not true.”
“Very true.”
I’m not about to argue with her.
I’d love to bring Addison with me as often as possible, and in all honesty, I could have easily brought her today, but I’d chosen not to.
Emily’s sick and I knew there was a good chance they’d break that hour rule for me to sit with her, but they weren’t going to break it for Addison. It was a total dick move on my part and if I do believe Addison is my future, she should have been here too. I’m already keeping her in the dark about Megan, leaving her home probably push
ed her even further away. Fuck, I screwed up.
“She’ll be here next time Sweet Pea. She had to work this afternoon.” And I just lied to an eight-year-old; I’m on a roll today. “But I promise I’ll bring her in soon to see you.” At least that promise I can stand behind.
Snuggling into her bed she gives me a thumbs up. “Night Sweet Pea.”
“Night.”
We fist bump and I book it out of her room in an attempt to get home as quickly as possible. I feel like a total jerk for not thinking of bringing Addison with me. I wonder how she’d feel to know I purposely excluded her.
For the first time since my accident, I can see my future. I know exactly who I am and who I want to be. And right now, I want to be with Addison. She’s holding her heart back from me and I can’t stand it. It’s time to tell her everything, it’s the only way to make sure her heart is permanently linked to mine, and at this point, I can’t have it any other way.
It feels like I hit every red light. I want to press on the accelerator and break any traffic law standing between her and me. Now that I’ve decided to bring her completely into my world, I want it to happen instantly. Not in five minutes or one day, but right now. Pulling onto my street a feeling of unease creeps into my blood stream. There’s a black Tesla in my parking spot and I don’t recognize it. My fingers begin to twitch, my breath shortening and my senses on full alert. Immediately I block it in. Whoever’s here, isn’t leaving without going through me first.
I take the stairs two at a time, my heart beating steadily. Instant alarm grips me as I see Addison’s door slightly ajar. Burglar, rapist, murderer are the only thoughts that blast through my mind as I throw her door wide open. It slams into the wall, making my presence known.
Matt wasn’t one of my fears, but he should have been.
The scene plays out in front of me, and I can’t understand what I’m seeing. But he’s holding her in his arms, I can’t hear him, all the blood pulsing loudly between my ears blocking out any other noise.
Why the fuck is he holding her?
“Let her go!”
The asshole looks at me and tightens his arms around her. Does he have a death wish? “I said, Let. Her. Go.”
He smirks and slowly releases the hold he has on her. I want to wipe his face on the floor with my foot.
“Back away.” I vaguely hear Addison crying and the idea that he’s done something to her, that he’s hurt her more than he already has propels me forward.
I don’t remember walking in his direction, or picking him up by his shirt. But I do remember slamming my fist into his nose, blood covering her white shaggy rug. The bones crumble under my fist and I know he’s going to need surgery to correct the damage I just inflicted. Good.
He doesn’t cry out in pain, doesn’t talk. The fucker hasn’t acknowledged my presence except for that damn smirk that he hasn’t wiped off his faux Calvin Klein face.
I’m going to kill him.
I raise my arm to pummel him again.
“Damian! Damian, stop it!” Addison’s hysterical voice cries out behind me and in my hazy fog of needing this asshole to never go near her again, her pleading breaks through.
I turn, Matt still firmly in my grip. She’s a mess, her hair sticking to her face, tears streaming down her cheeks. Some of his blood has splattered onto her white T-shirt and I cringe, not wanting her to be near any of this.
“Addison, go into your room. I’ll take care of it.”
She closes her eyes tight, her fists balled up by her sides. “It’s not worth it, Damian. Please, stop. For me. For us. Just let him go.” She opens her eyes and silently pleads with me. The tears still streaming down her soft white cheeks. I’m shaking, stuck between being a man and protecting his woman, or wimping out and caving to my girlfriend’s wishes.
Either way, I lose.
She looks panicked, her eyes wide in fear and her bottom lip slightly trembling. This guy makes her feel things I know she’d rather forget, and I have no idea why she let him in her apartment to begin with. I can end this. But her pleading look, tears at my heart. If I do more damage to this fucker, she’ll never forgive me and I’ll lose her.
If I let him go, with nothing more than a broken nose, he’ll come back and it will never be over. But losing her is worse than losing this fight.
I drop him and watch as he crumbles to the floor, his hand covering his broken nose. “Stand up and walk the fuck out of here. She doesn’t belong to you anymore.”
“Really?” It’s the first time he’s said a word and due to the state of his nose, it comes out garbled. Blood gushing down and into his mouth with each breath he takes. “Then why is it my ring she has on her finger?”
Breathing feels hard. Impossible really. In the five minutes I’ve been in the same room as this dick, he hasn’t laid a finger on me, has spoken barely ten words, but it feels like he just slammed me against a wall, knocking the wind right out of my chest. I look down at her hand and bright as day, she’s wearing a diamond the size of fucking Texas. I have no idea how I missed it earlier, but my heart feels ripped out of my chest, as if it’s being eaten for someone’s lunch.
Everything I saw when I walked through that front door plays back in my mind. Addison in his arms, the tears, his refusal to leave and now the ring. The reality of the situation comes crashing down around me. Would she really say yes? The fact that I need to ask myself that question speaks volumes.
Frantically trying to pull it over her knuckle, the tears flow stronger down her cheeks. “No. Damian no. He’s lying.” She’s struggling, can’t get the damn thing off and I have to wonder how hard she had to work to get it on in the first place.
“How so? Because I’d remember if I was the one who gave you that ring.”
“Here, take another tissue.”
I grab the white piece of flimsy paper out of Mia’s hand and blow my nose, making an unflattering noise that would scare a duck, not attempting to wipe at my eyes. What would be the point? The diamond, or the devil, at this point they represent the same thing, sits on the table in front of us. How could such a large beautiful gem be so destructive?
“Why did you let him get close enough to put this on your finger?” Paige has picked up the symbol of sin and is inspecting every inch of it. I want to tell her to take it, she can have it, but with the way my life stands now, I’m going to need to sell that evil beautiful stone, in order to live for the next few months.
“It all happened so fast.” I still can’t wrap my head around the way tonight played out. One minute I was looking at the ring, the next Damian was bursting through my front door and suddenly Matt slipped it on my finger. It all happened too fast for me to react.
Mia has taken my white rug, and thrown it in the dumpster so I don’t have to look at one more reminder of the events that took place over three hours ago. She hasn’t stopped rubbing my back and the knowledge that once again my friends have had to come to my rescue doesn’t escape me. This all feels too familiar and I don’t think I can handle it.
“Well, score one for Matt, he has really good taste.”
The ring is stunning. A round Tiffany setting with at least a three carat diamond resting between six prongs. He must have forgotten how small I am. On my tiny fingers this ring looks twice its actual size.
“And Damian just left?” Mia pushes her glasses further up her nose, her face scrunched up in disapproval.
I nod, my eyes tearing up again. “His feet were pounding down the stairs. He left me.”
“Let’s not be so overdramatic, Addison. He left the situation, big difference.”
Not the way I see it. Leaving me alone with Matt, a diamond ring on my finger and having no idea what or who I was fending off was the equivalent of saying goodbye. There’s no denying I played a huge role in what happened tonight. I let Matt in—but I can’t help the resentment, the anger I feel that Damian abandoned me when I really needed him. Saying no to Matt was the easy part, physically making him
leave, getting him to believe I no longer loved him was near to impossible.
“Part of me wishes I had let him beat the shit out of Matt, then at least he’d still be here with me. The wondering as to where he went or when he’ll be back is killing me.”
“He’s probably with Reed,” Paige says.
I’m sure she’s right. But it still stings. We were supposed to spend this week together in Malibu, and now I have no idea when I’m going to see him again.
“Addison, this will blow over.” Mia hands me another tissue. “I promise. Once you get a chance to explain things to Damian, he’ll understand, he’ll get it.”
“Of course he will. It may take a few weeks, but he’ll come around.”
I appreciate their positive words, but I have serious doubts.
My eyes are swollen, and I have a raging headache. I love that my friends dropped everything to be with me tonight, but if I haven’t learned anything over the past five years, it’s that I need to work this out on my own, be strong and pick myself back up.
“Thanks for coming over guys, but I think I’m going to go to bed.”
“You’re kicking us out?” Mia asks affronted.
“No, you’re welcome to stay, but I need to go lie down alone with my tormented thoughts.”
They both give me worried smiles. “Guys, I’m sad, devastated really, but I’m not the same person I was when Matt left. I can’t let myself go back to being that person.”
Looking at each other, for affirmation that it’s okay to leave I make it even easier for them. “Fine, I am kicking your ass’s out. So, don’t feel guilty. I’m not going to run off and do something stupid.”
“Why the hell not? That’s exactly what you should do, something crazy and stupid and bring me with you!”
“Maybe next week, but tonight, I need to lie down and feel this pain. Feel how shitty today was, so that tomorrow . . . tomorrow I can wake up and remember, it’s a new day and I have a lot of life to look forward to.”
“First, Addison, that was way too sappy and you need to knock that shit off, second, by next week, this will all be fixed.”