by Renna Peak
“His Highness…” She shakes her head. “Of course, you should do what you feel is best. But until we know exactly what is going on…it might be best not to alarm him. Or to get his hopes up, either.”
“So you think…?” I can hardly get the words out. Part of me is terrified to even ask the question. “You think I’m pregnant?”
“You are pregnant.” She presses her lips into a line again, but I can’t quite tell what it is she’s trying to hide from me. “But the likelihood of this being a viable…pregnancy…is very, very slim. And unfortunately, we don’t have an ultrasound machine of high enough resolution here in the palace to be certain.”
“Of course. Because…because why would you need one?” I give a shaky laugh, though there’s nothing at all funny about this situation. My eyes fill with tears at the realization of what she’s telling me. “So…I’m pregnant. With the heir to the throne of Montovia. And I’m going to lose this child.”
She looks at me for a long moment, and I would swear her eyes shine as much as mine probably do. “I’m so sorry, Your Highness.”
I nod at her a few times as tears begin to spill down my cheeks.
I should tell Andrew, I think. He was so angry with me for not telling him about the procedure I had done before the wedding. I understand why he was upset, but it was for exactly this reason—I didn’t want him to have to suffer this loss in case it didn’t work.
And now that it has worked, it’s even worse. I didn’t have the other three stages of the surgery done because the first one had failed. This baby is in the wrong place—outside my womb or something—and there’s no way for anyone to fix what’s wrong.
“I…” I try to hold back the tears, but they just won’t stop. “Can you ask my husband to join me, please? I’ll…I’ll have him take me to the hospital. He…he’ll want to know. He’ll want to be there when they…” I gulp. “Terminate.”
The doctor bites her lip as she nods, and I swear she’s trying not to sob herself. She turns and walks from the room.
God, I really fucked this up. I swipe at my tears with the backs of my hands, trying to make myself look at least presentable for when Andrew shows up.
But as soon as he walks in the door, I begin to sob again.
He has me in his arms a second later. “What is it? My God, what is it?”
“I…I’ll give you two a moment,” the doctor says. She places a hand on the doorknob before she turns back to us. “I’m sorry, Your Highness.”
I nod into Andrew’s chest as she leaves.
He strokes my hair, kissing the top of my head a few times before he pulls away to look down into my eyes. “What is it? What’s happened?”
“I…I need to go to the hospital.”
He shakes his head a few times. “You’re ill. I knew it. What…what is it? Why wouldn’t the physician have told me—?”
“She…she didn’t want to alarm you. Or to have you take the news the wrong way.”
“Oh.” His eyebrows draw together. “Why would I have taken the news the wrong way? If you’re ill…”
“Andrew…” I let out a long, shaky breath. “I need to go to the hospital right away. We have to go now.” I press my lips together, not sure I want to say the next few words. Tears fill my eyes again as I look up into his eyes. “I love you so much. And I’m so sorry…”
“Sorry?” He shakes his head again. “Sorry for what?”
“Sorry…because I’m pregnant.”
Andrew
It takes a moment for her words to sink in, and when they do, the rush of emotions that accompanies them is too confusing to fully understand. Shock, joy, fear, and trepidation tumble over each other, and I find myself frozen in place.
“Andrew?” Victoria say, her voice quavering slightly. “Did you hear me?”
“Yes. Yes, I heard you.” And I don’t even know where to begin. There’s nothing I want more than to have a child with this woman, but the way she’s looking at me now makes it clear this isn’t good news. “I didn’t realize you could…” I clear my throat. “Something’s wrong, isn’t it?”
Her eyes fall, and she nods. “The pregnancy most likely won’t…” She swallows. “It’s probably not viable. The physician recommends we go down to the hospital and get an ultrasound. They’ll be able to tell us more after that.”
The sadness in her voice makes me ache, and I’m struck with a sadness of my own, deep in my gut—in a matter of seconds, I’ve gone from thinking I might actually get to be a father to experiencing a loss so profound I don’t know how to manage it. I pull Victoria into my arms, needing her close to me, not wanting her to see that tears have suddenly filled my eyes. She heaves a heavy, shaky breath against my shirt, and I know she’s attempting to hold back her own tears. My arms tighten around her.
“If there’s a chance we can save it,” I murmur against her hair, “we’ll do whatever it takes. Pay whatever it takes. Send away for—”
She pulls away, shaking her head. “Don’t talk like that. Don’t even pretend like there’s a chance. It’ll just make it harder.”
I nod, even though that glimmer of hope is the only thing keeping me together right now. “Let’s get to the hospital. Better to know everything than to drag this out.” For her sake, if not my own.
The journey into the city is both agonizingly long and painfully short. We spend the entire ride in silence with my arm around her. I think both of us are afraid to say anything, afraid to speculate. Afraid that if we open our mouths and say even a word, we’ll fall apart completely.
This was supposed to be a joyous day, seeing her for the first time in weeks. Instead, it may very well be the worst day of my life. But how is that possible? How can I feel the loss of something we never had in the first place? Something I’d written off as a possibility until this moment?
But the yawning hole in my stomach keeps getting bigger. I’ve made no secret of the fact that I would have loved to have a child with Victoria, but I thought I’d resigned myself long ago to the fact that we never would.
When we finally reach the hospital, I’m almost numb. I help Victoria out of the car without a word and lead her inside.
We’re taken back to a room immediately. The physician tries to shoo me out, but Victoria won’t hear of it.
“He stays,” she says, lacing her fingers through mine and gripping my hand so tightly that my fingers lose feeling.
Apparently the palace physician phoned ahead, explaining everything, because few questions are asked of us as the doctor prepares the ultrasound.
“I don’t like to make even a potential diagnosis until I’ve seen everything,” she explains. “But we’re going to do everything we can to get you your answers as soon as possible.”
I hear what she doesn’t voice, too: I won’t give you the bad news until I know every last detail, because when the Crown Princess loses a child there are bound to be a thousand questions.
I don’t watch what she’s doing. I can’t bear to. Instead, I look down at Victoria, reminding myself of all the blessings that life has already given me. She looks up at me with her wide eyes, and though she doesn’t smile, I see some measure of peace come to her as we stare into each other’s faces. She’s the strongest, bravest woman I know, and I tell myself that we’ll get through this, one way or another.
We have each other. And that’s enough.
I don’t know how long I stand there, staring down at my beloved wife, before the physician speaks again.
“I have to admit, this is not what I expected,” she says. “You two are very lucky.”
At the word lucky something leaps in my chest, but I force that spark of hope back down.
“What do you mean?” Victoria asks.
“Well, given your condition, this should have been impossible,” the physician says. “But as far as I can tell, the pregnancy is perfectly healthy.”
“That…can’t be right,” I say, too afraid to believe it. This must just be a cr
uel trick of the universe. “She shouldn’t be able to…”
“I agree,” the physician says. “She shouldn’t be able to be pregnant at all. But she is. She’s pregnant, and everything looks good. I’d say it’s nothing short of a miracle.”
I turn and look at Victoria again. Her eyes are wide, her mouth hanging slightly open as if she wants to say something but can’t quite find the words.
“It will be a high-risk pregnancy, of course,” the physician continues. “But we’ll make sure Her Highness gets the absolute best care.”
When neither of us responds, she says, “I’ll give the two of you a moment.”
The second she’s out of the room, I sink onto the bed next to Victoria, pulling her into my arms.
“I’m not dreaming, am I?” she whispers.
“If you are, then I am, too.” I squeeze her tightly. “I never thought to even hope…”
“Me either.”
“We’re going to have a baby,” I say, and I can hear the awe in my own voice. “We’re going to be parents.”
“I can’t…I don’t know how to even process this,” Victoria says. She laughs. “God, I can’t believe it. You know what this means, don’t you?”
I nod, brushing the hair out of her face. “Everything is about to change.”
Victoria
We ride back to the palace in silence, Andrew’s arms wrapped around me. I’m sure he’s having the same mix of emotions I am—joy, excitement…terror. Every time I let myself feel any of the happy emotions, the thought of how this is all too good to be true creeps in.
He presses a hand to my abdomen, almost as though he can read my mind. I glance up at him, giving him a small smile.
Andrew responds by pressing his lips to mine for a moment, before he pulls back with a laugh. “I still…I can’t believe it.”
“Me either.” I slide my hand over his so we’re both holding my belly. “I’m not sure we should…”
“You’re not sure we should believe it? I’m going to go shout it from the roof of the palace. I’m going to tell every living soul—”
“Even if…” I shake my head. “I mean, even if things were…normal, we’d want to wait. It’s still really early.”
“The doctor said—”
“I know what the doctor said. I just…I don’t want to get my hopes up. And…and…even if things do turn out, how do we do this? Leo and Elle…” Because we couldn’t have children, their new son is the heir to the throne after Andrew. But if Andrew and I can somehow have a child, there will be a new heir. And everything will change.
Andrew stares down at me for a moment. “Things are going to turn out for the best. The universe wouldn’t be that cruel—”
“Really?” I give him a wry look. “It’s been pretty cruel already.”
“It brought me you.” He kisses me again. “I’d say that proves the universe is on our side.”
I can’t help but smile. Somehow, my husband always knows just the right thing to say to break me out of my negative thoughts.
“I’ll handle the issues with my family. And…” He turns his hand to take mine into his. “It doesn’t matter. The laws of ascension are very clear on the matter.”
“Yeah, I’m sure leading with that is going to make Elle jump for joy.” It was difficult enough for them when they found out I couldn’t have children—and that their son was going to be the heir. Leo’s wife never really wanted to live the royal life, but she was pretty much forced to when they found out their little son was going to inherit the throne someday.
“Matthew will always have his rightful place in our family.” He kisses the top of my head. “And our child will have his.”
“His?” I turn to look up at him, lifting a brow. “You’re assuming it’s a boy?”
He grins. “Well, I have always wanted a son.”
I can’t help but return the smile. I haven’t allowed myself to think about it—whether I’d rather have a girl or a boy. Not that it matters in the least—I never allowed myself to think I’d ever have a baby, let alone what gender it would be.
A baby. I’m really going to have a baby. I still can’t really believe it, and part of me knows I shouldn’t—not yet. Just like I said to Andrew, it’s early. Even if this wasn’t a high-risk pregnancy, plenty of women miscarry in the first trimester. So many things could go wrong that I don’t want to let myself get carried away with thoughts of genders or names or how we’ll decorate a nursery…
“My parents are going to be thrilled. Mother, especially.” The awe in his voice warms my heart, and it’s difficult for me not to allow myself to go on this flight of fancy with him. “She’s going to be over the moon. So many grandchildren in such a short time.”
I say nothing. Leo and Elle had Matthew several months ago, and he’s become a darling little baby boy. And of course, William and Justine, another of Andrew’s brothers and his wife, are expecting their twins in only a few more months.
It’s why I’ve almost wanted to spend so much time away from Montovia, if I’m honest about it. Being around all this baby stuff has been enough to send me over the edge. It’s been difficult being away from Andrew, but being away from the hype over the babies has been the only way I’ve been able to deal with it all. I don’t think I would have chosen to go back to work if it hadn’t been for all the pregnancy stuff going on around me—and knowing I’d never really be part of it.
“We never heard the due date.” Andrew breaks me out of my thoughts. “I didn’t even think to ask.”
“Hm.” I pull out my phone and type into the search box. “It shouldn’t be too hard to figure out.”
He looks over my shoulder as I enter the information. Andrew and I have only slept together once in the last several months—we’ve both been far too busy, even when we’ve been together. I enter the date of conception, and the website spits back the due date almost immediately.
Andrew grins down at me. “Can that be true?”
“I guess…I suppose we can ask the doctor when we get home.” I stare down at the date myself, almost in disbelief.
He shakes his head, his grin widening. “I can’t imagine a gift more wonderful.” He sighs, pulling my back against his chest as he wraps his arms around me. “A Christmas baby. A royal Christmas baby.”
Andrew
I never thought I could know joy like this. The day I married Victoria, I was happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life—I had no idea I could be happier still. But thinking of the life Victoria is carrying inside her fills me with a sense of love and abundance that I never thought possible. We’re going to have a baby. A baby!
It's been a couple of hours since we got the news. Now I stand at the window of my study with a freshly poured glass of brandy in my hand, thinking about all the wondrous possibilities.
Unbidden, Victoria’s words of warning creep into my head, reminding me not to get my hopes up too much, pointing out that there’s still a chance that something could…happen. But I refuse to believe it possible. This is nothing short of a miracle—the physician said it herself—and miracles don’t just un-happen. Right?
I sip my brandy. There’s a light rap at the door, and I turn. My brother Leopold stands in the doorway, a grin on his face.
“You needed to see me?” he says, not waiting for me to invite him in. “And yes, I’ll take a brandy.”
He’s looking much more chipper these days, now that his son is a few months old. Apparently little Matthew is finally sleeping through the night, and it shows on my brother’s face. The dark circles under his eyes are much less pronounced than they were a few weeks ago.
He joins me at the window and takes a glass of brandy from me.
“Something’s different about you,” he says, squinting as he studies my face. “I’m not sure I like it.”
I arch an eyebrow. “No?”
“God, there it is again,” he says, grimacing in mock horror. “Good God, Andrew, if I didn’t know any better, I
’d say you almost look giddy. And trust me, that’s not a good look for you. It’s a little unsettling.”
In spite of myself, I laugh. My brother leaps back a step as if I might attack him.
“This is absolutely terrifying,” he says, but there’s an amused gleam in his eye as he edges near again. “I take it you’ve had some good news?”
“You could say that.” But I’m not sure you will think it as good as I do. I take a long, slow sip of my drink, trying to find the right words. I had an entire speech prepared before he arrived, but I can’t seem to remember it now.
“How is Matthew doing?” I ask him finally.
“Cheerful as ever,” Leopold replies. “But you know that already. What’s this really about?”
I set my glass on the windowsill. “It’s about the future of this family.”
“And now the old, serious Andrew is back.” Leopold grins. “Always thinking about the future.”
“In this case, it’s necessary. I don’t want this to cause any tension in our family, Leopold. I want to make that clear up front. But honestly, I’m not sure what to expect. None of us were prepared for this.”
“Prepared for what?” He drains the rest of his glass. “I must say, your flair for dramatic speeches gets better and better with every passing year.”
“I’m not trying to be dramatic,” I say. “I just…” I sigh. He’s right—there’s no point in continuing to be vague. “Leopold, Victoria is pregnant.”
Leopold’s hand freezes halfway to the bottle of brandy. His eyes widen. “What?”
“She’s pregnant. We just found out. Of course it’s still early, but the physician says the baby appears to be healthy. Against all odds.”
My brother’s face splits into a grin. “Are you bloody kidding me? That’s amazing!” He claps me hard on the back. “Congratulations, Brother! This calls for a celebration!” He grabs the bottle of brandy and pours each of us a full glass. Then he lifts the bottle closer to his face, frowning at the label. “Why are we drinking this? We should pull out the good stuff. I know you keep a bottle hidden in your desk—”