The Meteoric Rise of Simon Burchwood

by Scott Semegran

  "How could this be? How did they find out about my book? The only person I spoke to about it was with you and my wife and my editor, of course."

  "Turns out..." Ira started chuckling in disbelief and patting me on the back like I was a goddamn fool. He was really good at that, making you feel like a fool. "It seems that once you quit, they went through all the files on your computer and found a copy of your book there. Mr. Folsom, Mr. Fitzsimmons, they have all read your book. It really pissed them off. You wrote a real doozy!"

  "I'm such an idiot. I'm such a goddamn idiot," I cried. I really couldn't believe it. I was a goddamn idiot. It's true.

  "But that's all right. Really, it is. Even though TechForce is suing your publisher, that doesn't mean that the suit will take, or that your reputation will be damaged, or anything. In fact, your publisher is just as excited now as they were when we first submitted your book to them back then. You know why?"

  "Why's that?"

  "It seems that some tourist was watching when you were running away from that security guard. And it seems that he started filming the entire fucking thing with his digital video camera. And it fucking seems that this tourist dropped the video off at a television station here in New York, like you were Rodney King or something."

  "What?"

  "And that station has been showing that video nonstop. You couldn't have asked for better publicity than that, really. Huh? It's fucking genius!" Ira started rubbing his hands together in a greedy fashion. "Your publisher wants a different book now. They want your fucking memoir, how this happened, how you got here, why he was beating you, your side of the story, and they want it fast. You think you can write it fast? This kind of publicity has a finite amount of relevance. It could disappear in a matter of weeks. You have to act now and fast. You think you can do it? Huh?"

  "Of course. I'm a writer, you know. I've always wanted to write my memoirs." Ira pulled out a pad of paper and a pen and handed it to me.

  "Well, then you better fucking get started. The only thing the publisher wants now is a title. Can you come up with a title? Huh? It has to be a good, catchy title."

  I didn't have to think about that one at all. I already knew what the title would be. I have always known what the title of my memoirs would be. It would be something majestic, something poetic, something literary. It was already on the tip of my tongue.

  "THE METEORIC RISE OF SIMON BURCHWOOD," I said.

  "Fucking brilliant! I'll get to work on this new deal and you get to work writing. I'll figure in my twenty five percent commission, of course. But that shouldn't matter to you. This is going to be a seven figure deal!"

  I heard a rustling from the bunk above and a head appeared, looking down at us. It was a little difficult making out the features of the face because of the strong light from outside of the cell casting such bizarre shadows inside. But I recognized the voice. I immediately knew who it was from the voice. It's true.

  "That's great, Simon. I always knew you'd make it," he said from the bunk above.

  "Jason?"

  He came down from the bunk and I jumped up to embrace him. I gave him a big bear hug. I was, actually, really glad to see him. It's true. I was so glad to see the goddamn pig. I hugged him as hard as I could.

  "That's my name, don't wear it out," he said.

  Jason pulled back a bit and I noticed a black and blue puffy spot on the side of his nose. It looked like someone had slugged him in the face with a baseball bat. It's true.

  "What happened to your nose?" I asked, staring at the anomaly.

  "What do you mean? Don't worry about it. Let's talk about you and your new deal." And, you know, it made sense to me for some reason. It's true. I didn't mention his black and blue puffy nose or how he came about being in the cell before I did or anything. It was all just irrelevant. All I could think about now was my memoirs and where I would start and if I would write it in the first or third person and if the title was a marketable one or not. I mean, it was a lot to take in. Sometimes, your life takes a turn for the worst but it's really just a transitional turn. Something good is always around the corner. Sometimes, you just have to be patient and wait your goddamn turn.

  Ira patted me on the back again but this time, he was patting me in a congratulatory fashion. I mean, I always looked up to Ira kind of like a father-figure. He was always very supportive of my hopes and dreams and he always believed in me, even when my real father didn't. It was a fantastic consolation.

  "Someone else is here to see you too," Ira said, pointing to the cell door. My eyes were still adjusting to the bright light that flooded in from the hallway outside. Another figure appeared in the doorway, a womanly figure. Her silhouette was thin yet voluptuous. She extended her hand towards me.

  "Jessica?" I asked. I was in complete shock. Ira, like usual, never failed to disappoint. I was just so overwhelmed. I couldn't move. It's true.

  "Simon?" she asked, with a sweet, soft tone. She stood there in the glow of the light, her curvaceous body calling to me. And I wanted to jump up and ravish her with kisses and hugs and take her to a field of flowers and make love to her like tomorrow was not going to come and tell her that I loved her and that all my success was for her and the kids.

  "Where are the babies? I tried to call you so many times. Where were you?" I asked.

  "Simon?"

  "Yes dear? Did you hear the news? About my publishing deal? Did you hear it, sweetheart?" I asked. I'm telling you, it was all just too much to handle. It's true. Sometimes, when things come along, whether they are good or bad, they just come at you in droves. It's just too much to take in all at once. I was starting to feel weighed down. So much so, that I couldn't move. Jessica kept calling to me but I couldn't get up. I just sat there like a goddamn idiot.

  "Simon? Are you all right?" she asked, her hand out like she really wanted me to go to her. And I wanted to go, really, I did. I wanted to jump into the glow of the hallway and embrace her. But something kept me on that bed. Something kept me down like a tremendous weight on my goddamn shoulders. It was weird. And she kept repeating, over and over, "Simon, are you OK? Simon? Simon? Are you all right? Can you hear me?"

  And I kept thinking to myself, of course I can hear you. I'm sitting right in front of you, aren't I? It's not like I'm dreaming all of this.

  But you know, the crazy thing was that I kept mulling over the title to my new book in my head. I couldn't stop thinking about it, like a goddamn mantra:

  THE METEORIC RISE OF SIMON BURCHWOOD

  THE METEORIC RISE OF SIMON BURCHWOOD

  THE METEORIC RISE OF SIMON BURCHWOOD

  THE METEORIC RISE OF SIMON BURCHWOOD

  THE METEORIC RISE OF SIMON BURCHWOOD

  THE METEORIC RISE OF SIMON BURCHWOOD

  It had a really nice ring to it. I mean, I always wanted the title of my first book to be grandiose. And this one, it was pretty goddamn grandiose. It was a great title. My dream was finally coming to fruition. Finally.

  It's true.

  About The Author

  Scott Semegran lives in Austin, Texas with his wife, four kids, two cats, and a dog. He graduated from the University of Texas at Austin with a degree in English. He is a writer and a cartoonist. He can also bend metal with his mind and run really fast, if chased by a pack of wolves. His comic strips have appeared in the following newspapers: The Austin Student, The Funny Times, The Austin American-Statesman, Rocky Mountain Bullhorn, Seven Days, The University of Texas at Dallas Mercury, and The North Austin Bee. Books by Scott Semegran include Sammie & Budgie, Boys, The Meteoric Rise of Simon Burchwood, The Spectacular Simon Burchwood, Modicum, Mr. Grieves and more. He is a Kindle bestselling author.

  Books by Scott Semegran

  Want more Simon Burchwood? Then get the next novel The Spectacular Simon Burchwood. Recently divorced and his writing career in shambles, Simon Burchwood's life is a complete disaster. He reluctantly finds work as a computer support technician and resigns that his career as the next great
American novelist will never come to fruition. When he learns that his ex-wife abruptly moves to Dallas with his children, he embarks on a crazy road trip with a nerdy coworker and a hitchhiking punk rock girl and discovers the inspiration he desperately needs for his new literary masterpiece. Take another trip with the one and only Simon Burchwood.

  Praise for The Spectacular Simon Burchwood:

  "The author is quite funny and some of the quips are great. Simon can be hilarious and great to read about in his recaps and memories." –- 3 Stars / So Many Books, So Little Time

  "Simon is starting to understand something, and his luck literally changes. Semegran handles this quite deftly; even though Simon keeps warbling his "It's true!" declarations at a great rate, the reader does not tire of them, because, well, some of them ARE true, and we see the progress he is making in getting a grasp of what life is about, albeit in his own ham-fisted way." -- 4 Stars / The New Podler Review of Books

  Buy it today!

  ***

  "Illustrated throughout by Semegran, this book is the author's best. In these pages, his steadfastly idiosyncratic style really begins to click. An unconventional, beguiling, and endearing family tale." -- Kirkus Reviews

  From Kindle bestselling writer and cartoonist Scott Semegran, Sammie & Budgie is a quirky, mystical tale of a self-doubting IT nerd and his young son, who possesses the gift of foresight. The boy's special ability propels his family on a road trip to visit his ailing grandfather, a prickly man who left an indelible stamp on the father and son. The three are connected through more than genetics, their lives intertwined through dreams, imagination, and longing.

  Simon works as a network administrator for a state government agency, a consolation after a promising career as a novelist flounders. He finds himself a single parent of two small children following the mysterious death of his adulterous wife. From the ashes of his failed marriage emerges a tight-knit family of three: a creative, special needs son, a hyperactive, butt-kicking daughter, and the caring, sensitive father. But when his son's special ability reveals itself, Simon struggles to keep his little family together in the face of adversity and uncertainty.

  Sammie is a creative third-grader that draws adventures in his sketchbook with his imaginary friend, Budgie, a parakeet that protects him from the monsters inhabiting his dreams. Sammie is also a special needs child but is special in more ways than one. He can see the future. Sammie seemingly can predict events both mundane and catastrophic in equal measure. But when he envisions the suffering of his grandfather, the family embarks on a road trip to San Antonio with the nanny to visit the ailing patriarch.

  Sammie & Budgie is an illustrated novel brought to you from the quirky mind of writer and cartoonist Scott Semegran. The novel explores the bond between a caring father and his children, one affected by his own thorny relationship with his surly father, and the connection he has with his sweet son is thicker than blood, going to the place where dreams are conceived and realized.

  Praise for Sammie & Budgie:

  "A quirky, mystical tale of a self-doubting IT nerd and his young son, who possesses the gift of foresight. Engaging and fun, with wonderfully crafted characters." --Derf Backderf, award-winning and bestselling creator of the graphic novel My Friend Dahmer

  "Sammie & Budgie is instantly absorbing, its affable narrator hooking you with wit and whimsy, then reeling you into the boat, where larger revelations await. Scott Semegran is a lively, vivid storyteller, and this book will delight readers of all ages, while leaving them with plenty to ponder about their own lives. I loved this book!" -Davy Rothbart, author of My Heart is an Idiot, creator of Found Magazine, and contributor to public radio's This American Life

  "Scott Semegran’s loose charm and conversational style brings his shaggy narrator to vivid life in this story of a loving, if imperfect father and his maybe-psychic son. A sweet story about an extraordinary everyday family, Sammie & Budgie will find its way into your heart, and stay there." --Emily Flake, New Yorker cartoonist, author of Mama Tried: Dispatches from the Seamy Underbelly of Modern Parenting, and creator of Lulu Eightball

  Get it today!

  ***

  If you enjoyed this book then check out MODICUM, a collection of short stories, musings, and cartoons by writer / cartoonist Scott Semegran. The book explores such themes as suicide, parenting, religion, masculinity, the apocalypse, and, most importantly, erections. It’s guaranteed to make you laugh, cry, and pee your pants (hopefully, not at the same time).

  Praise for MODICUM:

  "Funny, sweet, dark, and sad, Scott Semegran's comics and short stories create a wholly convincing world of love, loss, and fear. His light touch with heavy subjects is a gift, and his forays into silliness are a delight. I can't tell if his kids should read it as soon as possible, or never." - Emily Flake, cartoonist and author of LuLu Eightball

  "Hilarious, poignant, twisted... and those are just the stories. Scott Semegran's cartoons bring an added one-two visceral punch to a powerful collection of work." - Davy Rothbart, author of The Lone Surfer of Montana, Kansas and publisher of FOUND Magazine

  Buy it today!

  ***

  Mr. Grieves started as a poke at human nature through the use of talking, narcissistic animals. It has evolved into a full-on assault to your funny bone. Where else will you find rats fighting over cubicles, camels worrying about aging, a parrot talking to aliens, and a lonely water snail longing for a friend? Welcome to the world of Mr. Grieves!

  Praise for Mr. Grieves:

  "An animal or plant — or maybe even an ovum — talks. Sometimes to itself, but more often to another of its kind. The idea is simple, but the execution is smart and almost always funny in Scott Semegran’s collection of 140 four-panel comics drawn between 2004 and 2008, Mr. Grieves." -- Reviewed for Indie Reader by Andrew Stout

  Get it today!

  ***

  Boys is a collection of stories about three boys living in Texas: one growing up, one dreaming, and one fighting to stay alive in the face of destitution and adversity. There's second-grader William, a shy yet imaginative boy who schemes about how to get back at his school-yard bully, Randy. Then there's Sam, a 15-year-old boy who dreams of getting a 1980 Mazda RX-7 for his sixteenth birthday but has to work at a Greek restaurant to fund his dream. Finally, there's Seff, a 21-year-old on the brink of manhood, trying to survive along with his roommate, working as waiters and barely making ends meet. These three stories are told with heart, humor, and an uncompromising look at what it meant to grow up in Texas during the 1980s and 1990s.

  "The writing is sharp and unpretentiously thoughtful, and since each of the main characters finds solace in companionship, this is an affecting literary depiction of the comforting power of friendship. Each of the stories can be read on its own, but taken together, they make a coherent, thematic whole, skillfully produced. An endearing collection that deftly captures the need for youthful fellowship." -- Kirkus Reviews

  "Verdict: With nary a dull moment, Scott Semegran's Boys features short stories filled with unexpected nuances that draws readers right into the heart of his well-developed characters." -- IndieReader. 5 Stars. IR Approved.

  Buy it today!

  Discover other titles by Scott Semegran at Smashwords.com:

  http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/scottsemegran

  Find Scott Semegran Online:

  https://www.scottsemegran.com

  https://www.goodreads.com/scottsemegran

  https://www.twitter.com/scottsemegran

  https://www.facebook.com/scottsemegran.writer

  https://www.instagram.com/scott_semegran

  Mutt Press:

  https://www.muttpress.com

 

 

 
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