After a moment, her voice shaking with emotion, she went on softly, ‘Even though it was a long time ago … it still shocks me! I really did think about whether we could mend bridges on this holiday, but your confession kept coming back to haunt me – about the pregnancy and the decision to end your unborn child’s life. How could you do it, Marie? How could you? It was Tony’s child too! You at least should have talked it through with him. Why didn’t you come to me before you did it? Why didn’t you tell me what you were planning to do? We were friends.’
‘I wanted to tell you, but I was so afraid, so hopelessly mixed up. I was going out of my mind, Eileen. It was never meant to happen. I was a woman over forty. I had lost my Derek just months before. One minute he was there – my haven – and then he was gone, and I was hopelessly lost. My whole life was suddenly turned upside down. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t work. I got behind with the mortgage. I was ashamed to tell my daughter. And then I could not even afford to keep the house.’
All the bad memories came rushing back. ‘I tried and struggled, and there was nowhere to turn. And then, not realising I was pregnant, but knowing I was finding things increasingly difficult, my daughter and son-in-law offered to take me in to live with them. So, I sold my cottage, and did that. I have never regretted it, but I missed my Derek so much! Life seemed unbearably lonely, but I counted myself fortunate in having a loving family about me, and I was hugely grateful for that.’
Choking back a sob, she went on, ‘Then I discovered I was pregnant. I was afraid and ashamed. It was an impossible situation, but I had to deal with it in the only way I could. My head was bursting. I felt suicidal. I had to make a decision, Eileen, and it had to be settled quickly. I simply had no choice but to do what I did.’ She fell silent, because that was as far as she dared go with that particular subject.
Eileen hissed, ‘I do not want Tony to know the truth about the pregnancy, and what you did. Do you understand?’ She continued quietly, ‘It’s far too late for regrets. And as we’re being honest with each other there is something you need to be made aware of.’ She leaned closer to Marie. ‘After we leave here, I never want to see you again. Do you understand?’
Sad to the heart, Marie nodded.
Eileen stole a glance towards the lift, but Tony had not yet reappeared. ‘What I am telling you now, Marie, must never be repeated. Not to anyone. Will you promise?’
Marie nodded. ‘Yes … I promise.’
Eileen leaned closer to Marie. ‘I have never told anyone this, but I need you to know so maybe you can fully understand my pain and disgust at what you did.’
Taking a deep breath, she addressed Marie in the softest whisper. ‘I knew Tony was bitterly disappointed that we were never blessed with children. I felt I’d let him down, but as the years rolled on he seems finally to have got over his disappointment at not being a father, but it was always secretly his dearest wish.’
Her voice wavered as she went on and she forced a smile. ‘The truth is, I’m used to it. I like my life as it is now, just the two of us. So, that is why I never want Tony to know you were left with his child and you did away with it. Always remember, Marie, that it was your wickedness, not mine! I can’t even begin to imagine what pain it would cause him! Do you understand what I’m saying?’
‘I understand.’ She knew she’d robbed him of a different kind of future. ‘And I promise he will never know it from me. Not ever!’
Marie had come here to unburden herself of her deepest secret and try to do the right thing but in just two days she had come to realise that her life – and that of her family – was a far more tangled web than she’d naively thought.
‘He won’t know from me,’ Marie repeated. How quickly she had changed her mind. ‘You have my absolute word he will never know from me. I’m sorry. I really wish I had never confided in you,’ she added.
She felt both cursed and blessed. And now she made a silent prayer that, in the end, all would be right without pain or hardship to the people she respected and loved.
A taxi was seen drawing up to the kerb and now the driver was in the hotel foyer calling, ‘Taxi to the station for Marie Foster.’
Marie waved her hand. ‘That’s me! Thank you … I’ll just be a minute.’
In a low whisper, Marie put a tearful question to her former friend. ‘Eileen, please. Will there ever be the smallest chance, that one day you will forgive me? For what it’s worth, I’m truly sorry,’ she promised earnestly, ‘and if there was any way I could turn back the clock I would do it in a heartbeat.’
When Eileen’s silence was the only reply, Marie could not blame her old friend. However, even now, in her deepest heart, Marie was convinced that although people, including herself, had been hurt, she had done the best she could in a bad situation.
‘Don’t hate me, Eileen … please?’ she asked with a shaky smile.
‘I can’t help how I feel, Marie, but before we part I need to emphasise what I said in the note I left for you the other night. I could never bring myself to tell Tony that you aborted his child. What purpose would it have served when the deed was already done? What difference would it have made to tell him then? None whatsoever! So I made a decision that I would never tell him. I did not want him to know then, and I do not want him to learn of it now. Not ever. Do you understand? Tony must never know about the child he might have had! You did him a huge wrong, but it’s no use raking over old coals now. Go home to your family, Marie! As for me, I am deeply grateful that I have the love of my husband to keep me warm and safe, whereas you, Marie – who do you confide in? I pity you because you have no one to listen and comfort you in the middle of the night when you wake troubled over what you did. I might have listened at the time if only you had come to me. Maybe we two might have come up with some kind of plan that would have helped everyone. But you didn’t let me in until it was too late, and the child was no more. And now I don’t want anything else to do with you.’
‘I understand,’ Marie replied in the smallest whisper. ‘I am sad to have lost your friendship, Eileen. Ever since we were children, we were always together like sisters, and now I fear I may never see or hear from you ever again.’
Eileen made no reply. ‘Excuse me, do you need a taxi or not?’ The driver was growing irritable.
‘I’m sorry, I’m just coming.’ Marie waved a hand.
‘Oh … take your time why don’t you? I’m sure I don’t mind either way,’ the driver called back. ‘The meter ticks on, whether I’m driving or waiting.’
Another question had niggled at Eileen over these past few days. ‘How did you track us down here? How did you find out when Tony and I would be in Blackpool, and at this hotel? And even the number of days we were booked in for?’
‘I know you have always loved this resort, and I desperately needed to talk with you to try and mend bridges between us. I had an idea you might have booked into the hotel we stayed at with you before around this time of year. So I phoned them, and my hunch was right. Then I wrote to Tony and asked to meet up.’ She gave a nervous glance to the waiting taxi driver. ‘I’m sorry, Eileen, but I really must go or I’ll miss my train, and my daughter will be waiting for me at the other end.’
In the face of Eileen’s hostility, she gathered her bags and fled without waiting to say goodbye to Tony. Having waited until Marie was hurrying out of the hotel and into her taxi, Tony then made his way down to be with Eileen. He slid a comforting arm about her shoulders, while whispering in her ear, ‘My darling, I made one mistake and never a day goes by when I don’t regret what happened. It’s you I love. It’s you I need, always.’
When he looked up, Marie was already out of sight.
Out of their lives.
Maybe forever.
‘Are you all right, sweetheart?’ Tilting his mirror the driver watched as Marie wiped away her tears.
‘Yes thank you.’ She felt deeply embarrassed at being caught crying in front of a stranger.
‘Had
a good holiday, have you?’ Like all good taxi drivers, he was a bit of a knight in shining armour, determined to cheer his passenger.
‘Sort of, yes. Thank you.’
‘Going home on the train, are you?’
‘Yes, I never did learn to drive, but I enjoy the train ride, so that’s all right.’
‘Being met at the other end, are you?’
‘Yes.’ Thinking he was a bit of a chatterbox, Marie gave a whimsical little smile. ‘I’m being met by my daughter, Anne, and my granddaughter, Cathy.’
‘A granddaughter, eh?’ he smiled at her in the rear-view mirror. ‘Grandchildren are a special gift. I’ve got four grandchildren – one girl and three boys – ranging from our Sean, who’s just turned three, a right little devil he is. Then there’s John and Michael and then our Lily, who’s just coming up to her fourteenth birthday.’
He smiled at Marie again through the mirror. ‘Lily’s the chatterbox. Always talking about how she means to be a nurse when she’s old enough. I can certainly see her doing that, ’cos she has the kindest, loveliest nature. Mind you, get her riled up, and she’ll show you a temper, and no mistake!’
There followed a moment of silence as he wound his way in and out of the increasingly heavy holiday traffic. ‘I don’t get to see my grand-kids as often as I’d like, what with me working all hours, and the kids living some ten miles in different directions from where we are.’
‘Oh, that’s a shame.’ Marie would have preferred a quiet moment, but she didn’t want to seem rude by not showing an interest. The conversation with Eileen was still heavy on her mind. Just now, she did not feel comfortable talking about grandchildren … especially to a stranger.
‘How old is your granddaughter, if you don’t mind me asking?’
‘Old enough to know her own mind … she’s independent and opinionated, and she can talk the hind leg off a dog!’
The driver chuckled. ‘I know exactly what you mean. When me and Lily get chatting together, it’s non-stop like the hens have just been turned out o’ their pens!’
Fiddling in his shirt pocket, he handed a photograph to Marie, ‘There you go! That’s our Sean. He’s a right little Tarzan! Swims like a fish, plays football with the big boys, and he can climb trees like a monkey!’ He gave a hearty chuckle. ‘Born to be a winner, that’s our Sean. He’s a right little buggeroota, and no mistake!’
Marie admired the little tyke as appropriate, then handed the photo back.
While keeping a wary eye on the heavy traffic, the driver continued the conversation, ‘You didn’t say how old your granddaughter was.’
‘Oh, well, she’s not as young as your Lily.’ After her traumatic time in Blackpool, Marie was comforted by the thought of seeing that lovely girl. ‘She’s eighteen, coming up nineteen. Her name is Cathy. She’s sweet-natured, and small-built. She’s a kind and caring girl, and animal-mad! In fact, just lately, she’s been talking about packing in her job at the shop where she works and training to be a vet.’
‘Oh, but that’s good … isn’t it?’ He sensed a note of disapproval in Marie’s voice.
‘Well, yes I suppose. But my daughter, Anne – her mother – has always hoped that Cathy might one day get the qualifications to lead her into a career as a school-teacher. She’s very good with the younger children. She used to take them for singing tuition in the village hall. But since she’s been working at the shop, she doesn’t have much time to plan a different future. But there’s time enough yet, I suppose when she’s ready.’
Smiling proudly, Marie informed the driver, ‘She’s torn between the shop and her real ambitions. On the one hand, she loves to be with the children … and on the other hand, she used to love helping out at the local vets. She often came home with stray animals. One time she came home clutching a cat in a basket. Both its ears had been torn off – by accident or deliberate, no one knows.’
‘Good grief!’ the taxi driver was horrified at the idea that someone might have deliberately done such a thing. ‘Mind you, there are some nasty people out there!’
‘I agree, but we don’t know for sure if it was deliberate. The vet had an idea that it could have ripped its ears when climbing under barbed wire, but the damage was so bad, he couldn’t really say. He did manage to save enough of both ears for a little wiggle, though. Someone left it on the doorstep of the vets. Maybe they couldn’t afford to pay for treatment. Cathy had it sleeping with her on the bed for weeks. She refused to give it up, even when the vet warned her it might have to be put down. Thankfully though, the poor thing survived with at least part of its ears. Cathy called the cat Larry. It followed her everywhere she went, but that was before she went out to earn a wage.’
‘It sounds to me like you’ve got one hell of a lovely granddaughter,’ the driver said.
Feeling immensely proud, Marie nodded. ‘Thank you! Cathy is indeed a very lovely young woman.’
‘Do you see much of her?’ Enjoying Marie’s company, the driver chatted on. ‘I bet you’ve missed her while you’ve been here.’
‘Yes, I do miss her if I go away. But with this particular trip, I decided to devote some precious time to old friends from years back.’
‘Quite right! You can’t neglect old friends,’ the driver agreed. ‘They’re few and far between and the years go so fast, you need to keep in touch. I’ve found that out myself. I had a really good mate – four years younger than me – he dropped dead with a heart attack. Knocked me sideways, it did. Now I make sure to meet up regular with the old crowd I went to school with.’
What he said touched Marie deeply, what with the sudden death of the friend sounding exactly like Derek’s, and the horrible situation with Tony and Eileen. ‘You’re very wise,’ she said. She gave a long, weary sigh. ‘These past couple of days, I’ve really missed Cathy, and my daughter Anne. And of course the rest of the family. My dear son-in-law, Dave … he works away a lot. He’s a lorry driver.’ She smiled to herself, ‘Anne says there are times when he comes home after weeks on the road and she doesn’t even recognise the man at the door – unshaven, and much thinner than when he left.’
‘He sounds like a hard-working man,’ the driver said. ‘I take my hat off to your son-in-law. I wouldn’t want a job now that takes me away for weeks on end. I did that for some months when I was younger, but never again! Driving a huge great wagon into the early hours, and often sleeping over in the cab, down some dark lane or lorry park – not for me, not now I’m older.’
Marie understood. ‘The thing is the company’s pay really good money for haulage drivers, and Dave is hoping to get enough money together to start his own business.’
‘Ah! Well, I can understand that. We all have our dreams. I’m hoping to retire in a few years’ time. Or I might buy a few cabs and sit in a comfy office, giving orders!’ He gave a hearty chuckle. ‘Oh, here we are!’ He drew into the station taxi rank. ‘Have a safe journey, and I hope your daughter and granddaughter are there to meet you.’ Clambering out of the cab, he carefully placed her case at her feet, then advised her of the amount of fare required, and Marie duly paid it, with a little thank you added on.
After checking he had the right amount, plus a tip, he then dropped the money into his trouser pocket, ‘Well … thank you very much! Be good now!’
‘Goodbye, and thank you, I enjoyed our little chat.’ Suddenly feeling empty and lost, she said her goodbye and went into the station.
When the regrets began to overwhelm her, she lingered awhile to look in a jewellery display in a shop window; but she was not at all interested, or even conscious of what was displayed there.
She felt so alone. It was only a matter of seconds before the tears began to fall. Somewhat embarrassed, she retreated to a discreet corner of the entrance hall where she took out her handkerchief and dabbed the tears away.
How could she have hoped to turn back the years, and take away the bad things? None of us can.
What happened, happened and I took care of my p
art in it, the best way I could, she thought. If only I had found the courage to confide the truth to Tony and Eileen. Maybe then they might at least have found it in their hearts to forgive me. But maybe too many years have gone by. Maybe this is the way it has to be in order to protect the innocents involved.
Hurrying down to the platform, she fumbled in her handbag for the return ticket home.
She was greatly relieved, as she went through the barrier, to find the train was already waiting … with just ten minutes to go before leaving and she clambered on board.
The first carriage was filled to capacity. Marie hurried on through to the next carriage, which was less crowded. Having quickly found a seat by the window, she sat herself down.
Taking in a deep sigh, she felt weary, and so alone.
As the train prepared to leave, she eagerly watched the flow of travellers still hurrying along the platform.
She half hoped that Eileen and Tony might have followed her, but there was no sight of them. Of course, she didn’t even know if they’d come by train.
A wave of nostalgia flowed over her for the happy holiday departures of old, as she realised that she may never see those two old friends ever again.
‘I’m sorry, madam. Tea or coffee?’ The steward’s soft voice alarmed Marie.
‘Oh … tea … thank you.’ She felt embarrassed at the possibility that he may have overheard her muttering to herself. ‘And a biscuit, please. Any kind will do.’
As the steward handed her the tea and biscuit, took the money and quickly moved on, Marie’s thoughts meandered back over the years.
She recalled her shock when she discovered she was pregnant with Tony’s child. Right from the very start she had desperately wanted to tell Eileen the truth – all of it – but that might well have caused another kind of anxiety and heartache. When she put it off, she then fretted about it until she had no option than to confide – not in Eileen, but someone who understood, and who had remained by her side through thick and thin. That dear, loving person had shared Marie’s worst dilemma, but instead of passing judgement, she had helped her keep her secret, held her hand through the darkest days of her life, and was keeping that secret and holding her hand even now.
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