Desires, Sweets, Secrets

by Kyle Autumn

  He makes space for me to sidle up next to him, so I do. I rest my head on his shoulder, and he wraps both arms around my body. While he smooths my hair out of my face, a single tear sneaks out of my eye, just when I thought I didn’t have any left to shed. Just one, a solitary drop of grief, mourning, and relief. It lands on his skin, dripping down to the sheet beneath us. And, with that, I feel empty. Completely spent. But also oddly reassured that I made the right choice in the end. And I’m thankful I’m not alone.

  Danny would want this for me if he couldn’t do it himself. He’d want me to be in the arms of a man who loves me, even if he doesn’t know the truth. Even if I’m selfishly taking one last night with him where he doesn’t know what kind of vows I broke to be with him. Before he doesn’t love me anymore, I want one more night in his arms. A night I can remember fondly, even if all we do is sleep.

  I take that. And I hope I won’t add it to the list of bad split-second decisions I’ve made. Clearly, I’ve made some bad ones. I can’t take another one that breaks me.

  Because, soon, there won’t be anything left of me to break.

  ∞∞∞

  Jeremy

  I’m dead tired and ready to go home and take a long-ass nap after my shift, but Matt and Aidan manage to stop me before I’m in my car.

  “Dude,” is all my brother says. And that’s all he has to say.

  Dani told him what happened yesterday.

  “Don’t even give me the ‘I told you so’ crap, okay?” I open my car door, intent on getting in and leaving. “I don’t need it.”

  “The hell are you so crabby about?” he asks, his forehead scrunched. “Sounds like Dani’s actually okay with it, so what’s the deal?”

  “Well, not everything can be as perfect as your fucking life, now can it?” I spit at him.

  “Whoa.” My brother takes a step toward me. “What the hell was that for?”

  “I don’t know!” I grit out, frustration making my blood boil. I huff out a breath as I think about everything that’s happened up to this point. It’s hard to even contemplate putting into words, but I suppose I could use a little perspective on it. Then I scrub a hand over my face and apologize. “Look, I’m tired. That came out wrong. Things are just fucked up, I think.”

  Aidan speaks up this time. “Things aren’t going well with the girl?”

  I lean on my open car door, exhausted. “Honestly? I have no clue.” So I give them the rundown—she knows I love her, but we haven’t had a conversation about it, and she came home yesterday in a fucking daze before taking me to bed, where we slept naked and she was gone before I woke up. “So I don’t fucking know.”

  They both stare at me until my brother breaks the silence.

  “Well, that’s interesting.” That’s all he says. Because that’s all there is to say.

  “Now, if you’ll excuse me,” I tell them, “I need to go home, send off some résumés because these hours are killing me, and go the hell to sleep.”

  “Yeah, sure,” my brother says. “But hey, before you go…”

  I give him a look like this better be good.

  He puts his hands up in the air. “Cade wants to have a family dinner. That’s all. Remember that? We never scheduled it, and she wants all of us to be there.”

  “Does that include this guy?” I point to Aidan. “He’s my new best friend, which makes him family.”

  “Obviously,” Matt replies. “I wouldn’t have said that in front of him without meaning he could come too.”

  “And he is right here,” Aidan says before laughing. “He isn’t sure he can handle a dinner with more people like you two.”

  “But you want to meet this girl, don’t you?” Matt raises his eyebrows. “Jeremy’s totally going to bring her, seeing as she lives right next door.”

  “Whoa, wait a second.” I shake my head and narrow my eyes at my brother. “We’re doing dinner at my house?”

  My brother looks at me like that’s the dumbest question he’s ever heard. “Uh, duh. The three of you are there. It’s easier for me and Cade to head your way when we’re bringing Dani home anyway.”

  My shoulders fall as I attempt to think that logic through, but nothing is making sense right now. “Whatever. I’m going with it because I’m tired and it means I don’t have to go anywhere. When are we doing this?”

  “How’s tomorrow night?” he asks. “I’m sure Jasper or whatever his name is down in sorting will switch shifts with you on Monday.”

  “Yeah, whatever. That’s fine,” I tell him. Then I point to Aidan. “That good for you, man?”

  “Sure,” he says. “Free food and I’m there.” His grin doesn’t quite reach his eyes with his joke, so something’s up, but I also don’t know him well enough to know and I’m tired as fuck. So who knows.

  “Great.” Matt claps his hands. “One last thing.”

  I groan, sagging against my open car door. “For fuck’s sake, man.”

  “It’s good. I promise!” he insists.

  Aidan nods. “He’s right. It’s good.”

  “You know?” I ask, putting a heel up on the step into my car. “What is it?”

  “He needs to tell you,” Aidan says.

  I look at my brother. “So fucking tell me already.”

  “Two weeks from now, you need to take the weekend off,” Matt says, his grin wider than shit.

  “And are you going to tell me why?” I ask, raising one eyebrow at him to imply that he should hurry the fuck up and tell me.

  “Two words.” Matt puts both hands, palms facing me, up in the air. “Bachelor party.”

  “Oh Christ.” I hang my head. “The whole weekend?”

  “Dude. When was the last time we did anything together for a full weekend?” he asks, making a good point.

  I release a deep breath. “Okay, yeah. Where are we going?”

  “Vegas,” he says. “Where else would we go?”

  Shaking my head, I say, “I have no idea. I guess we’re going to Vegas, then.” Then I face Aidan. “You sure you’re up for a weekend with the two of us?”

  “We’ll see how this family dinner goes,” he jokes.

  “Good idea.” I roll my eyes, beyond ready to get in the car and get the hell home. Which is what I do before there are any more interruptions. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow night.” Then I slam my door shut to block anything else out.

  Once I’m home, the only thing I want to do is sleep. But one look at my bed reminds me of her. So sleep is the last thing that’ll happen right now. Instead, I go to my computer and pull up job listings. I wasn’t kidding when I told my brother that these hours are killing me. But it’s really an excuse. I practically have the same hours as Meli.

  What I need is something more in line with what I want to do for the rest of my life. Though that sounds insane. I’m twenty-two. How the hell do I know what I want to do for the rest of my life?

  When unbidden thoughts of Meli pop into my head, I realize how not insane it is to know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to spend it much like we did last night—naked, being there for each other, no words necessary because our physical presence is enough. Of course, we could do without the grief hanging over our heads and whatever circumstance brought her to me like that. But I’ll take what I can get.

  A few listings are pretty vague, but the descriptions sound promising. I apply to a few where I know I’ll be able to use my business degree. I don’t even know if I’m passionate about business, but something to put my expensive degree to use would be preferable. I’m proud of having graduated, but I don’t want it to have been for nothing. Especially when I barely did anything except study and work while I was there.

  It doesn’t matter. That’s in the past. What matters now is making my future better. And that future hopefully includes the woman next door. The woman I can’t get out of my head. The woman who has some kind of demons she doesn’t want to discuss yet.

  What she doesn’t know is that I
have them too. So, together, we can get through them.

  If she’ll let me in.

  Chapter 13

  Amelia

  “See?” Cass says, a hand on her hip as she stands behind the register. “Even Danielle agrees with me.”

  “Yeah, you don’t look very good.” Danielle boxes up the rest of the muffins. “Maybe you should take a nap.”

  “I’m fine,” I insist while I wipe the counter down.

  Cass scoffs. “You keep saying that, but that’s the third time you’ve cleaned that part of the counter. You’re not fine.”

  I look at the counter while I wipe the towel around. I guess it does look pretty clean. So I shrug and move on to another part of the counter.

  “You’ve already cleaned that section too,” Danielle informs me before biting her lip.

  I blow out a loud, strong breath and toss the towel over my shoulder. “Okay! I’m not fine.” Not by a long shot. But I still don’t want to talk about it. Not yet.

  My sister won’t let me get away with that though. “What’s going on? We’re closed now. Will you finally tell us? You’ve been out of it all day.”

  “I didn’t sleep well last night,” I say. It’s not a lie even though I was in Jeremy’s arms for a few hours. I left before his alarm went off because it started to feel wrong. Dirty, almost. “That’s all.”

  “That’s not all.” Cass props her elbows behind her on the counter. “Try again.”

  “That could be part of it,” Danielle says, siding with me as she closes the box of muffins. “I heard you leave super early this morning, so did something happen with my brother?”

  Cass’s loud, fake gasp has my head whipping in her direction. Her hand flies to her chest as she stands up straight. “Oh my god, Amelia. What are you doing with Danielle’s brother?”

  I roll my eyes at my sister. “You’re not fooling anyone,” I tell her. Then I tip my head to Danielle. “She already knows.”

  “Oh,” Cass says, disappointment lacing her tone. Then she returns to her previous stance, one elbow on the counter this time. And she flicks her gaze to Danielle. “And you’re okay with it?”

  I pay attention to Danielle as she answers this time. She clearly wasn’t okay when she left my house yesterday morning, but she showed up this morning ready for work, acting like nothing had happened. Well, not like nothing had happened, but not like she was still upset with us. And we haven’t talked about it at all. So I’m all ears for her response to my sister.

  She lifts her shoulders without looking at either of us. Instead, she fiddles with the top of the muffin box. “Yeah, it’s fine.”

  “Just fine?” Cass pushes. “Something tells me it’s not just fine.”

  Danielle pushes her bangs from her face. “I mean, I was upset at first because my brother has done this to me before, but…” Her gaze meets mine as she trails off. Then she shuffles her feet. “It’s different now, I guess.”

  “Whoa.” Cass rises again, squaring up with Danielle to get the full story here, I’m sure. “He’s done this before? What does that mean?”

  “Cass,” I warn. “Maybe we should let Jeremy explain this.” Which I believe, but it’s also a stall tactic. Part of me would rather live in the reality that doesn’t know about his past. Because, if it’s horrible enough, I’ll have some regrets. Major ones.

  “No, it happened to Danielle,” Cass reasons. “She can tell us if she wants to.”

  “Honestly,” Danielle starts, staring at the floor, looking uncomfortable, “I’d rather not get into it. But it’s different than before. And I was very, very wrong about what happened then.” She shakes her head and then raises it. “So it’s fine. It’s good.” Her smile is a little forced, but I don’t think it has much to do with this conversation. She seems distant, her gaze a bit far away. “I mean, he loves her, so—”

  This time, Cass’s gasp is loud but decidedly not fake. It’s very real, and I turn a very bright shade of red.

  “He dropped the L-bomb?” she practically yells. “And you didn’t tell me?”

  My eyes flutter shut as I sigh. “Cass, not now, okay? Can we please do this later?”

  “Later?” She throws an arm out to her side. “I think now sounds about right. Who knows when I’ll have time to get the juicy details after this?”

  “Well,” Danielle says, gazing down at her phone, “my brother Matt says we’re having a family dinner tomorrow night at Jeremy’s house. So maybe we’ll all get some answers then?”

  “Ooh, sounds fun,” Cass says. “Are you going, Amelia?”

  I pick up the towel I threw on the floor. “I can’t say I’ve been invited, and you know how I feel about inviting myself to things, Cassandra.” To show her I mean business, I raise an eyebrow at her.

  My sister just harrumphs, waving a dismissive hand my way.

  “I’m sure my brother wants you there, Amelia,” Danielle tells me. “He’ll ask you. It looks like it was just planned.” She puts her phone back into her pocket. “And you can come too, Cass. Matt and Cade would love to meet you too.”

  “Aww,” Cass answers. “I’m totally in as long as I can bring my husband and my crazy-ass daughter. We’re kind of package deal.”

  “Cass!” I gasp, but Danielle doesn’t mind at all.

  “Bring everyone you know if you want,” she laughs, though it’s a tad shaky. “Anything to keep the chance low that the spotlight lands on me is fine with me.”

  “Then add us to the guest list!” my sister answers. “Anything to keep the chance high that my daughter is busy and can stay out of trouble is fine with me.” Then she winks at my sister. “Say,” she adds, holding a finger up in the air, “do you babysit? Amelia here has enough on her plate right now to watch her niece, so I’m always looking for someone else to add to the list of dwindling names.”

  “Oh, now you recognize how busy I am,” I say to Cass, flicking her with the towel in my hand.

  “Don’t even,” she jokes. “I know you’re busy, but you’re my sister and she’s your niece. She’s not going to be this little forever. Don’t you want to spend time with her while she’s still this cute and moldable?”

  “On what planet would you call your little tape recorder moldable?” I laugh, but from the corner of my eye, I notice how still Danielle has gone.

  Cass starts to say something, oblivious to Danielle’s silent, personal trouble, but I’m not. So I turn to her and try to get her attention, but she doesn’t see me.

  I put a hand on her arm. “Hey. You okay?”

  Though I expect her to tell me that she’s not, I don’t expect the tears. They’re sudden and loud, her body shuddering as she reaches for me.

  “Oh, honey, what’s wrong?” I ask, tentatively wrapping her up in my arms. I feel like I would have reacted more quickly if I weren’t also dealing with my own grief. But, in the end, we end up embracing each other. And I sneak a look over at my sister, who frowns at me before stepping closer to us to put a hand on Danielle’s back.

  Danielle shakes her head against my shoulder. A muffled and watery, “Everything,” issues from her mouth.

  My heart falls to the floor. This young girl has been acting like she’s okay with what’s going on with me and her brother, but she’s totally not and she’s now crying over it. Between this and the torturous events of yesterday, I’m at a loss for words, but my autopilot brain takes over.

  “I’m sorry for what I did,” I tell her. “I shouldn’t have gotten involved with your brother. It was wrong, and I—”

  Danielle shakes her head and untangles herself from my embrace. “No,” she says, wiping under her eyes. Then she uses her sleeves to blot her face. “No, that’s not it.”

  “Then what is it, sweetie?” Cass asks when I can’t bring myself to ask that question.

  If it’s not that, what has her so broken up? Does she know about me and what I had to do yesterday? Just the reminder and the presence of her tears brings me to my own, and all of a sudd
en, we’re both watery, tear-stained messes.

  “Danielle, what happened?” I push when she doesn’t answer.

  Finally, she speaks up. “If I tell you,” she starts before wiping her nose with her hand. Cass gets her a napkin from the container by the register, and then Danielle continues. “You have to promise not to say anything.”

  I motion for Cass to get me my own napkin so I can wipe my tears. “Sure,” I tell Danielle. “Tell us what’s going on.”

  When Cass gives me the napkin, she gestures for us to go sit at a table. So I gather Danielle up and usher her toward the first table by the counter. We all sit, and Danielle slumps in her chair, avoiding eye contact. Then she stares up at the ceiling, dabbing at her eyes.

  “Back in April,” she begins. Then a hiccup stops her, so she takes a breath and clasps her hands in her lap. “With your talk about your daughter…” She trails off, gesturing toward Cass. “I’m just…”

  I reach a hand across the space between us and touch her leg. “Whatever it is, it’s okay.”

  “It’s not,” she insists, tearing up again. “I don’t know what to do.”

  “We’ll help you figure it out,” Cass assures her, making me proud to call her my sister. My family. My blood. “You just have to tell us what it—”

  “I’m pregnant.”

  “—is,” Cass finishes a few moments after Danielle’s bomb.

  I take another several seconds to let that admission sink in before speaking. “Oh, honey.” With my hand still on her leg, I give her a gentle squeeze. “Are you with the father?”

  She shakes her head, more tears streaming down her cheeks. “No.” Dabbing under her eyes, she sighs. “He doesn’t know though.”

  “You’re gonna have to tell him,” Cass says softly. “Do your parents know? Your brothers? Anyone?”

  Again, Danielle shakes her head. “I know I’m not going to be able to hide it much longer,” she says through sniffles. “But I’m here for the summer because I needed time away so I can figure things out, make a plan…” She wads her napkin up and drops her hands into her lap. “Something.”