“Why not?”
“Shark week. I’m bloated like a cow on steroids. Mother Nature hates me.”
I laugh. “Poor dear. Eat some ice cream. I’m sure I won’t be out late.”
“Maybe you will.” She giggles.
“I’ll see you later.” I hang up and wait for Luca’s return. I have no idea what will happen next, but I’m ready for it. I think.
I ALMOST KISSED HER. I almost fucking kissed my assistant. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. This is bad. Really bad. I can’t do this. I can’t mess this up with her. Pacing my kitchen, I struggle to think of how to handle this. What the hell am I thinking?
Leaning against the counter, I attempt to compose myself. I have to go back in there and face her. I have to be professional. Opening the cabinet, I pull out two bowls and the ice cream scooper from the drawer below. I feel like I am moving in slow motion, delaying the inevitable moment when I will have to face her again and not throw myself on her.
This cannot happen between us. She is too good for me. Her heart is pure and open. Mine is…not those things. It will only end in heartache for both of us. It doesn’t help that I am wracked with guilt over Sara. I stop what I’m doing. Her name just came to me and for once, I didn’t block it. I let myself think it. What the hell is happening to me?!
I carry the bowls back to the study and take a deep breath before entering. When she sees me, Londyn sits straight up and offers me a gracious smile. Handing her a dish, I keep a safe distance and am careful not to let my hand even brush up against hers. I cross the room and sit behind my desk, where I should stay from now on. In fact, I don’t know if I can even have her here again. She makes me want…something.
“Thank you for the gelato. It’s really good,” Londyn says.
“I’m glad you like it.”
“Luca-”
“Let me speak.” I run my fingers through my hair. “I overstepped my boundaries. I very much value our working relationship. It’s obvious that I enjoy your company and for a moment, I forgot myself. It won’t happen again.”
“Oh.”
“I hope it hasn’t altered our working relationship.”
“No.” I watch as she scoops some gelato in her mouth, slowly pulling the spoon through her lips. I can tell that she is sad.
“Have I upset you?” I ask.
“I’d like to go home now. I don’t mind taking the T.”
“That won’t be necessary. I want to drive you.”
“Okay.”
I get my keys while Londyn gathers her things. Waiting for her by the door, I try to avoid looking into her eyes. If I do, I won’t be able to stop myself from scooping her up and carrying her to my bedroom. That cannot happen.
We ride in silence, the tension between us as thick as a Boston blizzard. Londyn stares out the window and I wish she would speak to me. I want to tell her how much I want her. I only stopped to make sure she doesn’t get hurt. Arriving at her house, she quickly goes to open the door, but I grab her wrist.
“Please don’t be upset with me, Londyn.”
“I’m not. I just want to go home.”
“You’re not telling me the truth.”
“What do you want from me, Luca?”
Everything. “I just want us to be okay.”
“If you’re asking if I’ll be at work, I will. I will be professional and do my work as expected. I am perfectly fine. Can I go now?”
I release her wrist. I’ve hurt her feelings and I feel like an ass.
“Goodnight, Professor.”
Her decision to return to formalities confirms she is upset with me. I can’t do anything but let her go.
“Goodnight, Londyn.”
She shuts the door and I watch as she walks up her stairwell. Tonight, she doesn’t turn back to wave at me. I wait for her to get inside before I drive off. Looking at the clock on the dash, I see it’s only eight and decide to call Jake. Pulling out my phone, I quickly dial.
“Hey, buddy,” Jake says.
“Can I come over?”
“Sure. What’s going on? You sound upset.”
“I need some advice.”
“Yeah, come on over. We’re just sitting here watching TV.”
“I’ll be there in ten.”
I hang up and drive straight to my friend’s house. I’m thirty-five years old and I need girl advice. I sigh.
Pulling up in front of Jake and Priscilla’s house, I decide I’m just going to tell them everything that happened tonight. As embarrassing as it is, the only way they can help is if they know the truth.
I knock on the door and hear their dogs barking. Jake opens it while Priscilla holds back the chaotic pets trying to jump on the stranger at the door. Jake laughs and welcomes me in.
“Come on in, Luca. Ignore them. Once they sniff you a couple of times, they’ll be fine.”
“When did you get them?”
“About a month ago. They’re cute but a little crazy when new people come over.”
We walk into the family room and sit on the couch. Priscilla turns the TV off and curls up like she is about to watch a movie.
“What’s going on?” she asks.
“I’m in trouble. I almost kissed my assistant.”
“Whoa!” Jake says.
“That’s how I feel about it.” I proceed to retell the events of the evening and how she makes me feel inside. I tell them how scared I am to lose her as an assistant and even more scared to pursue something with her. “I have no fucking clue how to handle this.”
“Did you ask her what she thought?” Priscilla asks.
“No.”
“Why?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know. I sort of panicked. She wanted to go home so I took her. She wouldn’t talk to me.”
“Okay, so from a girl’s perspective, here is probably what she’s thinking,” Priscilla starts. “You had this intimate moment and almost kissed her. Then you shut down. So she thinks you regret it and that you aren’t really attracted to her at all.”
“That isn’t true.”
“Or she thinks you’re a jerk for not talking to her about it,” she continues.
“That is true.” I sigh and rub my forehead. “It’s been a long time since I’ve felt such a strong connection with a woman. It’s clouding my head.”
“That’s what love does,” she says.
“Hey now, I didn’t say anything about love.”
“You didn’t have to. It’s written all over your face.”
“I have to admit, I gotta agree with Pris,” Jake says. “I think you’re falling for her.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?” Jake asks.
“I’ll lose her. I’m not good at love. I’d rather have her as I do now than break her heart and lose her forever.”
“You’re not giving yourself enough credit, Luca,” Priscilla says. “Maybe you’ve just never been in love with the right woman before. It’s amazing what true love can do for a person.” She bats her eyelashes at her husband.
“I think it’s best if I just act like nothing happened.”
“That’s the worst thing you can do. It will drive her crazy,” Priscilla says. “Go in to work. See how she is. If she seems open, talk to her. If not, give her a few days. If she shares your feelings, she’ll warm up again.”
“That’s good advice,” I say.
“Yeah, I agree,” Jake says.
“Thanks for letting me stop by unannounced. I’ll let you two get back to your night.”
“Okay, but call us and let us know what happened.”
“I will.”
Back in my car, I take a deep breath and start my drive home. That’s what I’ll do. I’ll give her a little space and then we’ll talk about it. Like adults. All I have to do now is ignore Priscilla’s words. I am not falling in love. I don’t even know how.
WHEN I ENTER THE HOUSE, Madeleine is asleep on the sofa. I know her monthly cycle knocks her out so I walk quietly to my bedroom
. I don’t want to talk anyway. I just need to be alone in my thoughts and think about how I am going to face Luca tomorrow.
Stripping off my clothes, I put my nightgown on and climb into bed. I stare at the ceiling for what seems like ages. Why did he shut down like that? It must be our working relationship. I have to admit having any kind of relationship, even just a physical one with my boss, would be awkward. To say the least. He did the right thing making us stop. That doesn’t make it hurt any less.
I roll over and try to sleep, doing my best to ignore the images of Luca’s face that float through my mind.
“Londyn, are you gonna get up?”
I hear Madeleine’s voice calling me and roll over to look at my clock. Bloody hell! I’m going to be late. I jump out of bed and rush to my shower. If I hurry, I should just be able to make the train that is fifteen minutes later than my usual one. After a quick shower, I brush out my soaking wet hair. It will just have to air dry today. I grab a simple blue dress out of the closet and slip it on. Throwing on a pair of shoes, I grab a pair of earrings and rush out to the living room to get my bag and go.
“I thought you were up already until I didn’t hear you moving around,” Madeleine says.
“Thank you for waking me. I must have forgotten to set my alarm.”
“Are you going to tell me what happened last night?”
Frowning, I reply. “Not right now. Dinner tonight?”
“Sure. Off you go.”
“Bye!”
I rush down the stairs and practically run to the station, only stopping to ensure I’m not hit by a car. I make it just in time through the turnstile and onto the train. Finding a seat, I plop down and take a deep breath. What a great start to this day.
As the train approaches Harvard, my stomach starts to feel knotted. His rejection absolutely gutted me and worse still, I have to talk to him again and act like everything is okay. It’s not like I don’t have experience with this. I’ve been rejected lots of times. I just usually don’t have to see the chap again.
Stepping off the train, I walk briskly across the street to Boylston Hall. I enter the office and see Luca, pacing back and forth. He looks up at me and relief registers across his features.
“I was worried about you.”
“Why?”
“You’re always early.”
“I overslept.”
“I was afraid you weren’t coming.”
“Why?”
“Because of me.”
I say nothing and take my seat. As I start setting up my things for the day, I am very much aware that Luca is still staring at me.
“May I help you with something, Professor?” I ask, politely.
“No.”
“Then I would appreciate it if you would stop looking at me like that.”
He turns away and goes to his desk. I hope he has meetings all day so I don’t have to talk to him. That would be best.
“Londyn…”
I look up at him with a frown on my face. I don’t want him to call me that anymore. The wall between us needs to go back up. Now.
“We should talk about what happened,” he says.
“I don’t know what you mean. Nothing happened. There isn’t anything to talk about but work. Is there something in that realm you would like to discuss?”
“No.”
“Well then, I’ll get busy on your emails and the letters you asked me to type.”
“Okay.”
We sit across from each other, quiet, but this time the silence is tense and painful. Do I want to gaze upon his beautiful features? Oh yes, very much. Do I want to banter with him like we do every day? Yep. Would I love to go back to last night when his hand graced my face? More than anything. Instead, I sit here, my heart heavy and sad. I knew I would never have a chance with a man like Luca.
The phone rings and I answer it. “Professor Di Roma’s office.”
“Hello. May I speak to Luca? This is his mother.”
Oh! His mum. “Certainly. One moment, please.” I put my hand over the receiver. “Professor, it’s your mother.”
The professor looks up with surprise and takes the call. I decide to step out of the room and get a cup of tea. The halls are busy with students and faculty and I see Professor Lance and Ella walking down the hall on their way out. They both wave and I return the gesture. Entering the break room, I make myself a cup of tea and wonder if I should make him one, too. I always do, but part of me doesn’t want to. Right now, I just want to pretend that every thought I have isn’t filled with him.
I decide the best thing to do is to make him one and try to keep things as normal as possible. I walk back slowly to ensure I’m not interrupting his conversation, but the office is silent.
When I enter, I’m surprised to see he is still on the phone, just not talking. As I place the cup down on his desk, he quickly finishes his conversation.
“I’ll see you there at six. Thanks for meeting me.” He moves the tea closer to him. “Thank you,” he says to me.
“No problem.”
I sit at my desk and go back to my tasks, doing my best to ignore him. I hear a heavy sigh from his direction, but he says nothing. Perfect.
At five-thirty, I start to wrap up for the day. The room has been filled with a deafening silence the entire day. My only break was at lunch when I sat alone in the courtyard under my favorite tree. I shut down my computer and notice the professor doing the same.
“I hope you have a nice weekend, Londyn.”
“You as well.”
The professor walks out first and I lag behind just so we aren’t together. At the bottom of the stairs, I notice him walking the opposite direction of his home and then I remember that he was talking to someone about meeting them. His mum? I start to walk in the same direction, hoping he doesn’t notice with so many people around me. He turns left at the end of the street and I do the same thing, unsure of what is compelling me to follow him. We walk two more blocks and then I stop. At the end of the street is a young woman who looks far from being his mum. She’s petite with blond hair and is wearing a black dress. When she sees Luca, she smiles. My heart bursts with jealousy as they embrace and Luca kisses her on her cheek. They stand there for a moment and chat. All the while, the woman holds Luca’s hands in hers. They walk to their left and disappear from my sight.
Now it’s becoming clear why he pulled away last night. He has a relationship. Why did he make it seem like he didn’t? Where did they go? To her house? Does he love her? Will he make love to her tonight? Is that why he couldn’t kiss me? He belongs to someone else?
I turn away and walk back to my train stop, my heart even heavier than it was before. I’m confused and just slightly heartbroken. Seeing him with another woman gutted me.
It’s apparent I’ve let my feelings get away from me. I have no business thinking the things I have about Luca and it has to stop now before I get hurt. Even more than I am now. Maddie was right. The Di Roma men are nothing but trouble.
“THANK YOU FOR MEETING with me, Clara. I needed this tonight.”
“What’s been happening? We normally only go on her birthday and the anniversary.”
“I know. I’ve just been feeling a lot of things and, I don’t know, being here always seems to put things in perspective. I guess I needed someone to talk to also. Someone who would know how she would feel.”
Clara hooks her arm in mine. “Come on then. Let’s go visit with her.”
I don’t know what made me call Clara to come here tonight. I just need to get this business with Londyn off my chest and she’s always been there for me. In spite of everything. We walk together, Clara’s hand in mine, down a gravel path. I know this path well. I’ve walked it a million times in the ten years she’s been here. Turning down a smaller path, we walk to a small tombstone. I kneel down and run my hands over it, clearing off the leaves that have settled here. I never bring flowers. She would have hated that. She always thought flowers were a waste of
money since they die. If I wanted to give her a gift, it had to be chocolate. The memory causes me to smile. I look back at Clara, who wipes tears from her cheeks and rubs my shoulder.
“What did you want to talk about, Luca?”
“A girl.”
Clara’s eyes open wide. “Oh! Okay. What’s going on?” She sits down next to me on the cool, grassy knoll.
“Well, you know it’s been hard for me to open my heart up again. I’ve never gotten over Sara and I don’t know if I ever will.”
“Yes, I know. Even though we’ve talked about how pissed off she would be that you aren’t moving on.”
“I know. One of the reasons, I think, is because I’ve never met anyone who even came close to making me feel like she did. I’ve never met anyone who I’ve connected with and had things in common.”
“So have you now?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“That’s wonderful!” Clara smiles and rubs my hand.
“It’s not, though. It’s complicated. She works for me.”
“Oh, dear. Okay. So tell me about her.”
“She is charming and so smart. She can talk about my work with me and we share many of the same interests. I mean, the girl reads Dante for fun.”
Clara giggles. “Yes, that is a rare find.”
“It’s more than that, though. She sees inside of me and when she’s around, my heart starts to heal. I actually feel hope that I am capable of love and that I can love her. I haven’t had that thought since I lost Sara.”
“Oh, Luca,” Clara says, brushing her fingers against my cheek. “Of course you are capable of love. You are the one who holds yourself back from it. Loving someone else is not a betrayal to Sara. You loved her like no one else could.”
I turn away as she speaks, feeling my emotions brimming at the surface. Clara is the only one who sees this side of me.
“Look at me, Luca.” She lifts my chin up so I have no choice. “You loved Sara. Everyone knows it, including her. If you want to honor her, you would find happiness again, not sit at her grave wishing she would come back. She can’t.”
“Even if I could, I’ll ruin my work relationship with Londyn if I pursue something romantic. What if it doesn’t work out?”
Londyn Falls Page 21