Tear (A Seaside Novel)

by Rachel Van Dyken

  When it rang for the tenth time, he threw it on the couch and stuffed a pillow over it.

  We ate our pizza in silence. I attacked mine like a woman starved. I usually didn’t eat junk food, but oh my gosh, the greasy cheese was like manna from heaven. “Thank you,” I finally said after devouring three pieces.

  He had five, so I didn’t feel as bad.

  “Anytime.” He wiped his mouth with a napkin and took our plates back to the kitchen. “How about one more game?”

  “You’re on!” I giggled. Oh no, I’m giggling like a middle schooler. He’s totally going to know I cheated.

  “You cheated,” he announced when he sat back down across from me.

  I giggled. “No I didn’t.”

  “You’re giggling.”

  “I’m a girl!” I fired back.

  His eyes narrowed. “Fine, I’ll play. But if I lose, I’ll know, Nat. I’ll know.”

  “I’m not afraid of you.”

  He leaned across the table, his face inches from mine. “You should be.”

  Wait, were we still talking about the game?

  My gaze fell to his lips, then flashed back to his eyes.

  He jerked back and cleared his throat. “Do you have any sixes?”

  “Go fish.”

  He glared and leaned over to pick the fish off the table, his lips grazing the little red gummy. I gulped, suddenly hot all over watching his tongue slip out of his mouth and attach itself to the fish. I’d never had that type of response to two guys before. It scared the crap out of me.

  And, great. I’m jealous of a candy.

  His lips never touched the counter. He ate the fish and grinned triumphantly. His grin, however, was short lived. Some ten fish later, he was losing horribly, and I still didn’t have to eat any more fish.

  “I think I may be sick,” he announced before having to go fish again.

  “Aw, too many fish? We can just call the game now. I mean, it’s not like you’re going to win.”

  He quickly picked up the fish and then spit it at me. Shocked, my mouth dropped open, then I reached into the bag and began pelting him with the fish.

  “Ah!” He jumped out of his chair and tackled me to the floor, trying to force a handful of fish into my mouth.

  I closed my eyes and shook my head back and forth. His weight nearly crushed me. There was no way I was getting out from underneath him.

  And then, it was as if at the same time we realized what was happening. I slowly opened my eyes to see him staring at my mouth like a man starved.

  My breath grew ragged as Alec’s eyes dilated. He licked his lips and leaned down. I closed my eyes.

  “Alec!” The voice jolted both of us away from one another. Alec cursed and helped me up. Demetri was walking through the door… well, stumbling and winding through the hallway was more like it. He was still smashed.

  “I can’t find Nat! I messed up! Where is she? Is she okay?” Demetri’s words were slurring together. “Some guy told me I was making out with a chick that wasn’t Nat. I didn’t know, Dude. Where the hell is she?” This was not the time or place to have this discussion, especially considering Demetri was drunker than a skunk.

  He tumbled into the living room, still not looking in my direction. He smelled like cigarettes and whiskey. “Where’s she, man?”

  I cleared my throat.

  “Natalee!” Demetri opened his arms, I stepped back.

  “Just sleep it off, bro.” Alec tried to pull his brother back toward the stairs, but Demetri fought him.

  “No! Natalee, I’m so sorry, Babe. I’m so sorry!” He fell to his knees and looked like he was ready to cry. “It wasn’t what you think! I’m so drunk — she had blonde hair, I thought she was you!”

  I knew it was stupid to argue with a drunk person, but I couldn’t help myself. “Really? And when you found out you were wrong you decided to do what? Kiss her back?”

  “I’m so sorry!” He ignored my question, still on his hands and knees.

  “Sleep it off, Demetri.” Alec moved to grab his brother, but Demetri jerked away then took an awkward swing at him, throwing himself off balance even more. He stumbled and rocked back on his heels.

  “A promise is a promise,” Alec muttered before punching his brother directly in the eye.

  Demetri cursed as he tumbled to the ground and promptly passed out.

  I was frozen in place.

  “Is he okay?”

  Alec shrugged. “Besides having a headache and the black eye I promised, yeah, he’ll be fine.”

  I nodded, still in shock.

  “Come on.” Alec held out his hand. “Let’s go upstairs and get you into bed. I don’t care what you say. I’m sleeping on your floor just in case the drunk wakes up and decides to apologize again.”

  “Okay.” I felt bad leaving Demetri on the floor. Alec noticed me staring and rolled his eyes, moved back to him, and lifted Demetri, depositing him on the couch.

  “Happy?” he asked.

  “Yes.” Alec’s mood had changed again, it wasn’t as lighthearted. More irritated and crazy protective.

  I followed him down the dimly lit hall. There were at least ten doors that led into different rooms. He took me to the last room and opened the door, allowing me to go first.

  I gulped.

  It was his room. It had to be. I was almost alarmed at how clean it was. Didn’t boy rooms usually smell bad?

  His windows were open, so the curtains were blowing in the slight breeze. It smelled like Alec and the ocean. I decided it was my favorite smell, even more so than his cologne by itself, because it was a mixture of him and home.

  The room was huge and had a bathroom off the side of it. His large bed was near the windows and seemed menacing. “I’ll just grab you some sweats to sleep in, kay?” Alec scratched the back of his head then went to a walk-in closet and turned on the lights. His closet was bigger than my room.

  He reached into a dresser and searched. Within seconds he was tossing me a t-shirt and sweats. “Will these work?”

  “Yeah, they’re fine.” I grabbed them.

  We stared silently at one another for a minute or two.

  I shifted on my feet and Alec quickly looked down at the floor. “Do you want to shower?”

  “Kind of, I mean, if that’s okay. If not, it’s totally fine. I can just go to sleep and—”

  “Nat, stop talking so fast, you’re making me nervous.”

  Right I’m making him nervous.

  “I’ll just sit out here and read for a bit. There’s fresh towels hanging up, and you can use whatever’s in the shower.” He stretched his arms above his head, giving me a spectacular view of the lower part of his abs and the low slung jeans on the V of his hips.

  I couldn’t really speak. I quickly turned around, and my face met the wall. I was an inch away from chipping my tooth.

  “Careful.” I heard him chuckle behind me. Jerk.

  I felt a blush spread from my face all the way down to my toes. I escaped into the bathroom and shut the door behind me.

  Should I lock it?

  No, he was a perfect gentleman, he wouldn’t do anything. Unlike his brother, who would probably find some silly excuse to be in the bathroom at the exact same time.

  They were so different.

  My original judgment of them had been way off base.

  I thought Alec was the brooding weird one and Demetri the bad boy masquerading as an angel, though their looks proved otherwise.

  Apparently just because a guy glares and has dark features, doesn’t make him the bad guy. Just like dimples and an easy smile don’t automatically make him an angel.

  I sighed and turned on the water.

  Chapter Nine

  It was a rain shower. The type you see on TV and at expensive hotels. I stood underneath it and immediately felt the stress leave my body as I closed my eyes.

  The shower was scary clean.

  As in, there’s no way he actually showers in it.
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  But his body wash looked half used as well as his shampoo. I lathered my hair in the spicy scent and smiled. It smelled like him.

  I was a girl obsessed.

  The body wash was filled with tea tree oil. By the time I stepped out of the shower my skin was so soft I decided right then and there that I was going to go shopping and purchase everything I just used.

  The bathroom was a little steamy so I couldn’t see my reflection in the mirror. I looked around for some sort of face wash and finally settled on some store bought brand that looked expensive.

  It smelled like a boy too, but it felt good against my face.

  I dried off, and threw on the sweats. They were huge on me, but at least I felt more comfortable than I had before in the tiny dress and high heels.

  I opened the door just in time to see Alec take his shirt off. I told my mouth to close, but it was pointless.

  His body was muscled in all the right places, not an ounce of fat on him. A large angel wing tattoo spread across his right shoulder and part of his collarbone, another one was on his stomach. His one arm had a half-sleeve of different markings. Curious, I stepped forward. He still hadn’t seen me.

  I think I scared him as much as I scared myself when I reached out and touched his skin.

  “Crap!” he yelled. “Sorry, Nat, I was lost in thought. Didn’t see you.” His breath smelled like peppermint.

  I shook my head. “What does this mean?” I touched the foreign writing on his collarbone and traced it until it met another smaller tattoo near his stomach. It was a pair of hands holding a heart. He flinched as if my touch hurt him.

  The tattoo wasn’t in English. It spread across his chest and ran into the design on his right shoulder.

  His eyes looked sad as he looked away. “It means my heart will be yours forever.”

  “Why did you get it?”

  He jerked away and looked down. “For my son.”

  “You have a son?” I was so shocked I didn’t know what to do. How did I not know this? I hadn’t seen anything about it on the gossip sites.

  “Had a son. I had a son, Nat. He died.” Alec stepped away from me and went into the bathroom slamming the door behind him.

  I wanted to cry.

  Cry for Alec and the hurt expression in his face, and for the child that no longer had life. I hadn’t lost anyone before. I couldn’t imagine the depth of despair it would be for a parent to lose a child, especially a teen parent. You would feel so helpless.

  I sighed and climbed into his huge bed.

  Within minutes Alec came out of the bathroom. He turned off the lights and grabbed some pillows and a blanket from the foot of the bed.

  He didn’t say a word.

  “Alec,” I whispered.

  “Yeah?” His voice was hoarse.

  “I’m sorry.”

  He sighed. “Nat, you didn’t know. It’s fine.”

  “Alec,” my voice cracked.

  “Nat? Are you crying?”

  It was too dark to see, but the bed heaved under the pressure of Alec sitting next to me. I could see the outline of his body from the moonlight as my eyes adjusted to the dark. He was wearing shorts, but no shirt.

  “Maybe,” I answered. I couldn’t explain my behavior. I was crying over someone I didn’t even know.

  “Why? Is something wrong? Tell me what’s wrong? Is this about Demetri?” His breath was hot on my face.

  I shivered.

  “Are you cold?” He grabbed a blanket and threw it over me. Great, now I was going to sweat to death.

  “I don’t mean to cry, Alec. It’s just. I’ve never lost anyone before, and to think of losing a part of you, a child. I just. I don’t know. I’m just so sorry it makes my heart hurt to think about it.” I reached out and touched his arm. This time he didn’t flinch.

  “Nobody’s ever said that to me.” His breathing was slow and calculated. “I mean, nobody knew but Demetri, and as you can see he deals with problems a little differently than I do.”

  I nodded even though I knew he couldn’t see me. “What was his name?”

  “Benjamin.”

  “How did he die?”

  Alec sighed then slowly lay down on the bed next to me on top of the covers. “It was my fault.”

  “How was his death your fault?”

  Alec laughed bitterly. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me, Nat. I haven’t always been so… boring.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah, oh,” Alec repeated. “Let’s just say his mother was a one night stand, but the minute I found out she was pregnant I told her I would help out. We paid her off, to keep it out of the media. It was right when we started getting really big.”

  “Ah, the infamous MTV concert.”

  Alec laughed softly. “Yes, the MTV concert. We signed with a bigger record label and had to stay out of trouble. I was only sixteen.”

  Ouch.

  “So how was it your fault?”

  Alec was silent for a few minutes. “Benjamin’s mom was in rehab, Nat. She was so messed up, but I was so busy and things were happening so fast for us, that I didn’t really pay attention to her when she got out. I told her I’d visit her, but had to keep canceling when they added more cities to our concert tour.”

  The only sound in the room was that of my own breathing and his.

  “The night we found out we were nominated for a few Grammys, Benjamin’s mom got in a car accident. Both her and Benjamin were killed on impact.”

  Tears flowed freely down my cheeks. I blindly searched for his hand and held it.

  He pulled me as close as he could with the blankets covering me and sighed. “Please Nat, please don’t tell anyone. You don’t understand. Nobody knows this. I don’t want my son’s picture thrown around TV. I don’t want him remembered as some bastard child by a punk rock star.”

  “Nobody would think that.”

  “Yes…” He sighed heavily. “They would. And I refuse to let that happen.”

  His story explained a lot. Why he was so distant, so protective. So in control of everything in his world.

  “Thanks for telling me,” I said.

  “Well, it’s not every day a girl cries over a little boy she didn’t even know.”

  “I’m crying for you too, Alec.”

  He shuddered. “Thanks, Nat. That means more to me than you’ll ever know.” His lips found my forehead in a chaste kiss. “Now, get some sleep before my jerk of a brother wakes up and tries to break the door down.”

  “Okay.” I wanted him to stay with me so badly. I wanted to fall asleep in his arms, his breath mingled with mine. He was like a drug, an addiction I was slowly needing more and more of.

  Each of the brothers had their demons. Which left me to wonder where I fit in the picture. It made all my insecurities flare to life. What the heck were they doing even paying attention to me? I was nothing — nobody. My own parents seemed uninterested in me. It was nice to have people care about me, even if they were confused rock stars, but I couldn’t help but wonder if I was somehow stepping out onto a ledge without any way to escape except jumping.

  The last picture in my head before my eyes grew heavy was of a little boy with bright blue eyes, a little boy who looked like Alec.

  Chapter Ten

  I woke to the smell of fresh coffee.

  With my eyes still closed I moaned and stretched across the pillows.

  “You have no idea how much you affect me when you do that,” Demetri said.

  My eyes flashed open.

  He looked like a truck ran over him.

  He hadn’t showered or done anything. Purple and blue bruises decorated the side of his eye and his cheekbone.

  I hadn’t realized Alec hit him so hard. Immediately my eyes went to the floor. “He’s downstairs making breakfast. He said he’d give me some time to talk to you but that if I make you cry I have to drown myself in the ocean.”

  I nodded. “I agree to those terms.”

  “Ouc
h.” Demetri chuckled and looked away. “I don’t even know what to say, Nat. Sorry just seems lame. I’m an ass sounds a little better, but I just don’t know what to say.”

  He plopped down onto the bed and ran his hands through his messy blonde hair. “I really like you. I’ve never liked a girl as much as I like you. I meant everything I said last night. I want to be with you.”

  “And every other girl at Seaside,” I added, suddenly feeling the hurt and betrayal of last night wash over me.

  “No!” He grasped my hands and kissed them. “You don’t understand. I only want you. I know I seem like a screw up, and that’s because I am. I can’t believe I’m saying this. I think you’re the forever girl. The one you bring home to your parents, the one you spend Christmas with, the one you have children with. You’re that girl, Nat.”

  “I don’t know how to respond to that.”

  Demetri sighed. “I don’t expect you to forgive me, Nat. What I did was childish and stupid. I got drunk at a party and made out with a complete stranger just because she was in front of me. I don’t even remember who it was. I only know she had blonde hair. I really did think she was you, but when I noticed she wasn’t, I was too drunk too care.”

  “Well, at least you’re honest.”

  “Honesty sucks.” He exhaled and looked away. “Nat, I want to be with you. Let me earn your trust again. Let me be the guy I’ve always wanted to be. I want to be that guy for you.”

  Having a guy say that was like crack for a girl. “I can’t save you, Demetri.”

  “I don’t want you to. I just want you by my side as inspiration when I save myself.”

  Crap.

  I felt my guard crumbling as his blue eyes glazed over with unshed tears. “Please, Nat.”

  Demetri reached out and cupped my chin. His touch was warm, gentle, not at all like last night. Desire flared in his eyes, so different from Alec.

  I would never have Alec.

  But Demetri. He needed me, and part of me craved that feeling. To be needed, wanted. I’d never experienced anything like it before. My parents loved me, but they functioned apart from me.