The hurt I felt was because of my father. He had given me over to Jeshua so easily, with only the ridiculous claims of Jeshua himself as an assurance of my feelings. As I thought more on that betrayal, the hurt won over and I pressed the heels of my hands into my forehead.
“Ella?” I had almost forgotten Gavin was there. He brushed my hair back off my forehead, touched my shoulder, my knee, then finally pulled me into his arms. I draped myself over his shoulders as his arms drew me closer and I continued to sob. My emotion was out of control, and I held him tighter in an attempt to keep myself together.
After a few minutes, I forced myself to calm down and finally settled enough that Gavin’s grip loosened and I made myself pull back. I met his eyes and then quickly looked away as the compassion written on his face made me want to return to his arms. I fumbled for my satchel, pulling out my shawl so I could dry my face. Turning to lean against the tree, I tried to look Gavin in the eye but couldn’t.
I sniffed and tried to laugh, but it didn’t work. So I just whispered, “I’m sorry,” and closed my eyes.
I heard him sit back. “You’re apologizing?” His voice was bewildered but I just nodded my head, sweeping the tears from my cheeks. “Why?”
“I should not have let my feelings get the better of me.” Diplomacy was my position of retreat.
“You think I expect you to hear something like that and not react?”
I stared down at my hands. “I shouldn’t be surprised.”
“Of course you should,” he insisted, sounding almost angry.
His validation made my voice thick with unshed tears as I admitted, “I hate him—so much. And my father gave me over to him without so much as blinking.” I shut my eyes again as more tears fell. “I can’t do it.”
“You can’t do what?” I felt his hand on my knee once more as he tried to keep me focused.
“I can’t be courted by Jeshua. I can’t marry him. But I don’t know how to avoid it.” I sat still for a moment, and when he made no response I looked up at him.
“You say no,” he said bluntly.
“No one says no. That’s not how my world works, Gavin.” My voice had risen, but I didn’t bother lowering it. “You do what is expected of you because it’s the right thing to do.”
He leaned toward me. “How can it be the right thing to do,” he asked, wiping a tear from my cheek, “if it makes you feel like this?”
I pushed past him, climbing to my feet. “My feelings will not be the issue.” The bitterness gave my voice a hard edge.
“So that’s how your world works?”
I picked up my satchel. “I’ll be late for dinner. We have to go back.” I stumbled as I tried to put my shoes on while standing.
“Talk to me, Ella.” Gavin shoved his feet into his own shoes as I looked at him, trying not to cry again.
“No.” I hurried away and he chased after me.
“Ella?”
I whirled on him. “What do you want me to say?”
He rocked back a bit. “Say anything.”
I turned from him and stalked away. “I don’t want to say anything. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to acknowledge it in any way. I want to scrub my ears out and pretend it was never said. I don’t want anything to do with it!”
Gavin caught hold of my flailing arm and forced me to stop my stomping retreat. “All right.” He pulled me to him and I couldn’t stop myself from crying into his chest.
“How could he do that?” I cried.
The silence stretched out for a moment and then Gavin gently asked, “Would he have agreed if he knew how you felt?”
I blinked as I considered and had to admit, “I don’t know.” I let him hold me for a moment more before I broke away. “I really do need to go back.”
He nodded and fell into step beside me, a reassuring hand on the small of my back. I did need to go back, not because I would be late for dinner—I had plenty of time for that—but because I felt much too vulnerable out here. A storm was gathering inside me and I wanted to be alone when it broke.
We didn’t talk as we trudged back. I was so deep in thought that if not for his hand to guide me, I would have wandered aimlessly.
Safely back in the maze, I sat down. Suddenly the prospect of being alone with my thoughts—of truly having to think about what had just happened—scared me senseless.
“So, what do you think of my world now?” My eyes were dry.
Gavin sat beside me, resting his elbows on his knees. “I think it’s more complicated than I thought.”
I cast about for something to focus on and my eyes landed on the far corner of this closed-in room. There sat another of the statues I so admired. Another dancing couple, happy and carefree, sat partially hidden behind the foliage. “Wouldn’t it be lovely to be a part of their world? Just for a moment.”
He followed my gaze and considered the statues. “You could, you know.”
I let out the tiniest laugh, finding his assertion to be very funny.
Gavin’s face, however, remained earnest. “That is a common couple, in a common dance. That’s my world.”
My face felt slack as I stared at him and then turned to consider the statue once more. I got up to take a closer look and examine the details. Their clothes were plain, utilitarian and practical; a kerchief covered her head and a cap stuck out of his pocket.
“How did they end up here? And why are they hidden away?”
“Your mother commissioned them.” I turned to him, shocked by this revelation. “Your father chose to hide them away after she refused to get rid of them.”
“How long ago was this?”
“I believe it was just after they were married.”
“And how do you even know of it?”
He smiled. “My family has been here a long time.”
I continued to focus on the statue, unwilling to think of other things.
“Do you dance?” I asked Gavin.
“Why, yes, of course. Dances are a common pastime.”
“How common?”
“There is a gathering tonight, in the square.”
As he told me this, an idea stole into my head and took root. I knew it was a ridiculous notion, but I wouldn’t let it go without trying.
“Take me with you,” I pleaded.
Gavin’s brow furrowed and then his eyes widened as he comprehended my meaning. “Ella, you cannot.”
“But why?” I could hear the whining tone in my voice and hated it, but I was desperate.
“You think you could just walk into the village without the entire kingdom being in an uproar? Your family would never allow it. The people would not know how to react to such an action.”
“I could dress like a commoner, no ribbons, no silk. I could tie up my hair in a kerchief. I could—”
“Ella,” he interrupted. “I have told you before, it is not just your clothes that make you look like a princess. I—”
“Please, Gavin.” I had only been this rash once before, and my wagon ride had ended almost sooner than it began. But the prospect of doing something so completely outside of myself, with Gavin, was so glorious that I could not let the idea go. “You said I could be part of that world.”
“I didn’t mean—”
“At least help me consider it.”
He looked torn. “Ella, I cannot deny you anything you ask for and you know it.”
“This is not a royal command, Gavin.” I walked over to him. “This is just me asking you. You can say no if you like, but I am asking as a friend. I have to get away from all this just for a while.” I met his eyes, knowing only he could help me do this.
He gazed back at me, seeming distracted, and asked, “Get away from what?”
I stared at him, incredulous. “You would condemn me to sit in my room and think of my future life as a shackled companion to Jeshua of Tride?” I took both his hands into mine. “Please, Gavin.”
He closed his eyes at my mention of Jes
hua, then looked down at his hands in mine. He finally blew out his breath and said, “All right.”
“Thank you.” I squeezed his hands in gratitude.
“But only,” he added, “if you promise that if we cannot find a safe way to do this, we will not go.”
I smiled and promised.
CHAPTER SEVEN
An Evening Out
WE ENDED UP enlisting the help of Gretchen. She was reluctant, but once I told her my reasons, her indignation on my behalf compensated for any nerves. She lent me one of her dresses, some shoes, and a kerchief. She helped capture my curls into a simple bun and made me walk around the room. “You can’t walk so perfectly, Princess.”
“You realize you’ll have to call me Ella when we are out of the palace?”
“Yes,” she said dismissively. “Now try to walk as though you have a purpose, as though you are simply trying to get there. Don’t think about how you look.”
“I don’t think about how I look, this is just how I walk.”
“It’s too pretty, Highness.”
I made a concerted effort to walk with less grace. Gretchen laughed at me and quickly covered her mouth. I threw up my hands after a while.
“How do you expect to get outside the wall, anyway?” Gretchen asked.
I didn’t want to risk telling her the truth about the hidden door. “I’m leaving that up to Gavin. He said he has a way.”
She shook her head. “And when exactly did you become friends with Gavin?”
I dropped my gaze. Gretchen was the first person to know anything about my friendship with Gavin. “We’ve been friends for...” I had to think about it. It felt like several months to me, but in reality had been far less. “About a month now.”
When it was time to go, I left the castle with Gretchen, and we went through the kitchens to avoid the guards. Once outside the castle she went to leave the palace grounds through the servants’ gate and I went to meet Gavin in the maze. He raised his eyebrows when he saw my covered hair and common clothing, but didn’t comment as I left a bundle of clothing hidden in the room with the door. He was nervous about our expedition and encouraged me to walk swiftly and stealthily around the outside of the palace wall. We met up with Gretchen before entering the village, and Gavin walked a little way from us. They each told me that young ladies and young men rarely arrived together unless they were engaged, but once the dance started, everyone mingled freely.
As I walked alongside Gretchen, I couldn’t help beaming. Several times we caught each other’s eye and broke out laughing. At one point Gretchen leaned toward me and whispered, “I cannot believe you talked me into this.”
“You don’t think this is fun?”
“It is fun, but I still can’t believe I’m doing it.” She looked me up and down as we walked. “You’re still walking too perfectly.”
I shrugged, but attempted to adjust my step.
Despite my too-perfect walk, we traversed the distance to the dance without any mishaps. We were greeted by the sound of fiddles, drums, and flutes being tuned and tested. I looked around in amazement, taking in the humble surroundings and cheerful faces. Like the buildings, the faces were creased and worn, but there remained a light in their eyes. The time for arduous daily tasks had passed and the evening beckoned, enticing them to cast their cares aside and enjoy the company of others.
As the musicians started their first song, the dynamic of the group shifted. All the women and girls had been talking and mingling on one side of the square while the men and boys had been doing the same on the other side, but as that first chord struck, everybody moved into a flurry. Gretchen dragged me into the middle of the square along with all the other women, where everyone joined together. Some found partners immediately and set off dancing, while others formed groups, circling together with joined hands, then splitting off again.
I tried my best to follow Gretchen as she, like everyone else, danced her way through the crowd. We joined with several groups, one after the other, and I felt I was just getting a hang of the rhythm when a gentleman whisked Gretchen away. She looked back at me as he pulled her away, no doubt worried that I might feel lost without her. But I gave her a smile and went to join in another group circle when I felt a gentleman’s hand on my waist as his other hand took mine. He lead me away in the same fashion Gretchen had been, then spun me around to face him and off we went. I admit I was shocked and more than a little embarrassed–dancing with a group was one thing; dancing with a partner was another. Looking into his face, I realized that I had been hoping to see Gavin, but the man was a stranger to me.
My step was clumsy at best, but my partner didn’t seem to notice; he just led on, dancing me to and from every corner of the square. By the time the music started to wind down, I had relaxed and was starting to enjoy myself as I became more familiar with the dance. The last note sounded and my partner spun me. I cheered along with everyone else, elated to be a part of this wonderful custom.
As the applause died away, my partner leaned close so I could hear him. “You are a lovely dancer, miss.”
“And you are far too kind,” I responded.
“Nonsense,” he argued with a broad grin. “I could tell you weren’t completely familiar with the dance at first, but you caught on and followed very well.”
“Thank you,” I replied, settling on the simplest reply I could come up with. I knew an overabundance of manners might make me seem suspicious.
My partner had opened his mouth to speak again when Gretchen appeared at my elbow.
“I’m sorry,” she said breathlessly. “I tried to stay with you, but—”
“It’s all right,” I assured her, but I linked my arm through hers nonetheless. I didn’t want to lose her again. I still felt out of my element.
My dance partner startled me when he spoke. “Gretchen, aren’t you going to introduce me?”
I turned to Gretchen in surprise. “You know him?”
“Since the day I was born.” Gretchen said. “This is my brother, Eli.” I wasn’t sure what to do at this point. I knew how to greet royalty and nobility, but I didn’t know what the commoner custom was. I tried to follow Eli’s lead as he extended his hand. I put out mine and he grasped my fingers more firmly than I was used to and without any bow said, “It’s a pleasure.”
“This is Ella.” Gretchen finished the introduction. No one but Gavin, Gretchen and occasionally one of my sisters called me Ella, so it wasn’t a risk to use it here.
Eli released my hand. “I saw the two of you sticking together, so when Benjamin stole Gretchen from you, I thought it appropriate that I step in. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Not at all.”
“And how do you know my sister?” he inquired.
I tried to remember the story that we had come up with, but was saved by the fortuitous arrival of Gavin as he ran up to our group, relief apparent in his eyes. “Good, I found you.” He put his hand on my elbow and looked me over as though making sure I was all in one piece.
“Yes, Gretchen has been taking excellent care of me, showing me around.”
“You’re not from here?” Eli asked.
Gretchen, Gavin and I exchanged looks, waiting to see who would be the first to take up the lie. Gretchen was the quickest. “She’s here to visit a sick aunt. We met at market early this morning and I agreed to show her around.”
“And how long will you be staying?” Eli’s smile broadened, and though I appreciated his friendly nature, pretending to be someone else was more difficult than I had anticipated.
“I’m not sure—it depends on how long my aunt has need of me.” Before Eli could ask any more questions, the musicians started another song and Gavin was quick to pull me into the fray. I was elated to be dancing with Gavin. He was relaxed and confident here. He didn’t hesitate in touching me when the dance required, and his hold was firm. I was secure in his arms.
The next time we stopped to rest, I asked, “Why are some of the women ho
lding scarves?” Quite of few of the women danced with a scarf in one hand. It added to the general beauty of the dance, but I thought there might be a more meaningful reason, and I was right.
“It means they’re married or engaged. This way, the married folk can enjoy the gatherings, and none of us single fellows will try to dance with them.”
The simple logic of this custom struck me. Instead of married folk being forced to either stay at home or simply watch, they could join in and not have to worry about being viewed as inappropriate. It seemed to cut out some of the courtship games.
The rest of the evening was a blur—a wonderful, exhilarating blur. I spent much of the night in Gavin’s capable hands as he lead me through each dance. My favorite was when a new song started and Gavin leaned in.
“Ready?” he asked, eyes dancing.
“For what?”
“This is the dance shown by the statue you love so much. During the chorus we’ll take hold of each other and spin as fast as we can. Ready?”
“More than ready.”
We started in a circle of four, hands on our hips as we did a little footwork then shuffled round the circle before repeating the footwork and shuffling the opposite direction. Then the chorus began and we separated from the group, wrapped our right arm around the other’s waist and used out weight to propel us in a circle.
I was flying and exhilarated. Spinning during each chorus left me dizzy and I had to hold onto Gavin while I laughed and regained my balance, my insides fluttering as he pulled me close. I always hated to leave him when I had to dance with anyone else, but it was necessary.
I danced two more dances with Eli and two dances with partners whom I never formally met. It was exhausting, and yet I never wanted it to end.
As the last notes of the last song faded into the night and the applause died away, Gavin put his mouth to my ear and a warmth trickled down my neck. “Gretchen will walk back with you, but I’ll be right behind.” I nodded and left through the crowd with Gretchen. Near the castle, the servants had dispersed. Gavin joined me once more and we waved Gretchen on her way as she headed to her own home. Once Gavin and I reached the hidden door, he held it open for me. “This is where I’ll leave you.”
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