Just Ella

by Annette K. Larsen

  He did. In the midst of a crowd of cheering people, Gavin slowly brushed his lips against mine. The little air left in my lungs rushed out just before he kissed me fully.

  It did not last long, but it was exquisite. And it might have gone on longer, but the cheers were dying down and the crowd was beginning to disperse. He gave me a suppressed smile and then took my hand and headed away from the square. As he pulled me along, I put my fingers to my mouth, wondering at the sensation his lips had left on mine.

  As we walked farther from the square, our hands entwined, we found ourselves alone. Gavin looked around and then pulled me off the main path and into a small space between two buildings. He turned to face me as I stood with my back almost touching one of the walls. He seemed nervous.

  “What is it?” I asked, concerned that something had upset him or perhaps he was regretting kissing me.

  He took a deep breath then said, “I just didn’t get to—” And he was kissing me again, more deeply this time, and I allowed my arms to wind around his neck. He wrapped one arm around my waist and leaned the other on the wall behind me as he kissed me, over and over. When he stopped, I was grateful to have the wall supporting my back as I regained my breath and my bearings. We looked at each other for a tense moment, then he leaned in and kissed my lips lightly. His proximity made me dizzy. “I’m sorry,” he murmured against my mouth, then pulled back. “I just didn’t know when I would get a chance to do that.”

  I stifled a giggle, embarrassed at how giddy I felt. “Gavin, we’re alone constantly. I think you might have found an opportunity.”

  He kissed me once more, then took my hand and led me back out into the street. “Yes, but I don’t think I would dare to kiss you inside the palace grounds.”

  I furrowed my brow. “Why ever not?”

  “I’m not that brave,” he answered matter-of-factly.

  I was silent, wondering what in the world bravery had to do with it. But as we reached the road that led up to the palace, I had the misfortune of having my question answered by the appearance of about a dozen armed guards on horseback. They were just coming out of the palace gate, beginning to fan out as if preparing to search. They had only gone a short way when one of them noticed me. My common clothes may have fooled the folks in the village who never really saw me, but every guard knew my face and the faces of each member of my family. A signal was given and they immediately turned to converge on my position.

  “Oh, no.” The exclamation was involuntary and suffused with dread. I had never been particularly fond of my father’s soldiers, but with Gavin at my side, I was terrified. What would happen to him?

  As Gavin saw the guard approaching, he instinctively pulled me behind him in a protective gesture. But this only made the situation worse. The guards’ attitude toward Gavin became infinitely more aggressive, as they now viewed him as an aggressor toward me. Half of them swung down from their horses to approach on foot.

  “Step away. Now,” one of them demanded in a tone that indicated he would not ask twice. Gavin hesitated.

  “It’s all right,” I whispered frantically. “Just do what they say.” I was desperate for Gavin to not get himself into any more trouble. But the sight of a dozen crossbows pointed at him, and inadvertently at me, made him stand his ground. I saw that the guards were about to act and so decided to do something myself. I stepped away from him, relieved when he did not try to stop me.

  The captain of the guard, keeping his eyes on Gavin, addressed me. “Please step behind me, Your Highness.”

  I would have, but I was too afraid that with me out of the way, they would hurt Gavin, so I tried to explain. “He hasn’t done anything wrong; it was my choice to go with him.”

  The guard’s eyes flickered to me for a moment, then he gestured to his men and they relaxed their position somewhat. He gestured again and I flinched as two men stepped toward Gavin and deftly brought him to the ground. His wrists were shackled before I knew what was happening.

  A guard took me by the arm to escort me up to the palace, but I yanked it away. “I am perfectly capable of walking by myself,” I snapped at the guard. “And there is no need to handle him so roughly; he has done nothing wrong.”

  He bowed slightly. “Of course, Highness.”

  I stole a short glance at Gavin as they hauled him to his feet, before starting on my own up to the palace. As we made our way, I heard Gavin being manhandled despite what I had said, and hoped I would be able to fix this mess. How could I have let this happen? I had become too comfortable, too confident in our success. I had done this, and Gavin would pay the price.

  I walked into the glaring lamplight of the great hall prepared to meet my father’s stare. But my father hardly even glanced at me. His eyes were riveted on Gavin, who was thrown down in the middle of the floor. He didn’t look as though he had been hurt. He came to his knees and stared at my father, terrified.

  As I was deposited at my father’s side, he kept his eyes on Gavin but he addressed me. “Are you alright, Ariella?” It was difficult for me to determine whether concern or anger was most dominant.

  “Yes, Father. I am perfectly well.” I hurried to reassure him, hoping my obvious well-being, as well as my calm response, would convey that I had not been in danger.

  His voice filled with venom when he addressed Gavin. “You are fortunate indeed that the princess is unharmed; otherwise your fate would be far worse.”

  I paled at his implication. “Father—”

  But he bowled over me, his eyes searing through Gavin. “You took a member of my family away from the palace, yes?”

  “Yes, Sire.” What else could he say?

  “And how much time in prison do you think your crime warrants?”

  I couldn’t breathe. “But, Father—”

  “I do not know what your intent was in kidnapping my daughter. I do not know if you were working alone, but I assure you my questions will be answered.” He fairly roared now.

  “Sire—” Gavin pleaded.

  My father stood in his rage. “Do not speak. I have not given you permission to speak, therefore you would do well to hold your tongue and consider your crime.”

  “But he has done no wrong!”

  “Quiet, Ariella!” It was the first time my father had raised his voice to me. “He took you away from this palace; that is something wrong.”

  He used his fingers to signal the head guard, who immediately stepped toward Gavin who was kneeling on the stone floor with his head bowed. The guard yanked his head up by his hair and I stopped breathing. They meant to begin his punishment right now, and it was going to be painful.

  “No!” I shrieked, stepping toward Gavin but stopping myself. The guard hesitated and I looked back at my father, reaching a hand toward him, pleading. “Father, please! He’s a friend! He didn’t take me away; he only did what I asked. Please stop this,” I begged. I could hear the horror in my own voice, the disbelief and the desperation I felt. It was as though I were being torn in two, as though my arms—one outstretched to halt my father, the other itching to pull Gavin from harm’s way—were pulling me in opposite directions, and if I moved at all, I would be torn to pieces.

  My father only gave me a fleeting glance, continuing to direct his rage at Gavin, who knelt below him, still held by his hair. “Friend, you say? And how did you come to know this ‘friend’?”

  “He’s a gardener, he tends the grounds. I befriended him. I pestered him endlessly.” My only thoughts were of taking the guilt on myself. Any punishment my father could inflict on me would be nothing compared to what he would do to Gavin.

  “And then he took you away from the palace.” My father shot me a glance that chilled me to my core. “Am I to excuse that?”

  “I made him,” I blurted out. “I wanted to know what a commoner dance would be like. I ordered him to take me with him.” This was, of course, a lie. “I told him that if he didn’t he would be disobeying a royal command. I gave him no choice.”
r />   “That doesn’t matter!” His voice echoed through the corridor.

  “Yes, it does!” My voice rang shrilly through the air, stronger than I would have thought it could be. “This was not his idea. It wasn’t a plot. It wasn’t a kidnapping. It was my choice, Father. He does not deserve this and it would be unjust to punish him in this way. The fault is mine and mine alone.”

  My father paused. He had always prided himself on being a just and benevolent ruler. I could see his mind working. To throw Gavin in prison or impose any physical punishment would be unjust and extreme, but my father had to do something. Taking a princess away from the palace was unacceptable, and there had to be some consequence.

  “Please, Father.” It was strange to hear myself beg.

  He turned to me. I had never asked anything of him before. He came to me and said in a low voice, “Your concern for his welfare is much more than it should be.” He said this in an accusatory fashion, staring at my face as if searching for something he didn’t want to find. “And it makes me wonder if you care for him much more than is prudent, Ariella. Perhaps you should consider, just for a moment, how your actions have affected not only this friend of yours, but your family as well.” I saw it then: the devastation, the undiluted fear in his eyes, and I closed my own in shame. “I am not unfeeling, but this situation is inexcusable. I cannot make this allowance and you know it.”

  I felt him move away from me and opened my eyes as he turned his attention back to Gavin. “Young man,” he addressed Gavin, his voice carefully controlled. “Were you, in fact, ordered by the Princess to accompany her to this common frivolity?”

  Gavin’s body wilted in defeat. He didn’t want to lie, but he knew the truth, however innocent, would appear traitorous and likely cause his imprisonment. “Yes, Sire,” was his hoarse reply.

  I breathed a silent sigh of relief, but still feared the consequences as Father began to pace. He was weighing every possible option and every consequence. I prayed he would see it my way but knew very well that his analysis of the situation would be much farther-reaching and more complex than my own. So I waited.

  Finally, he raised his voice to give the order. “Understanding that my daughter put this young man in a compromising position, with an impossible decision, there will be lenience. However, it must be understood that such behavior is unacceptable. The young man may retain his freedom, for I can say he has broken no law. However, he will not be allowed to enter the walls of the palace grounds. And under no circumstances is he to be allowed to come anywhere near Princess Ariella.”

  “Father—”

  “Guards, you will escort the princess back to her quarters. The young man is to be escorted outside the palace walls.” With that, he turned and stalked away. I looked back to Gavin, but only had a fleeting glimpse of his marred expression before I was seized by the arm and dragged to my room. Once there, I just stood, numb, as I wondered what on earth I should do next. My mind finally cleared enough to convince me to go to the window and see if perhaps I could get a glimpse of Gavin. It was too dark and too far. I could see nothing, and I wept.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  A Mother's Remedy

  MY FATHER’S PUNISHMENT for me was simple. He acted as though I did not exist. He was angry with me, that much was obvious, but he never told me his reasons. I’m sure it had something to do with etiquette or family honor or simple disobedience. Regardless, I couldn’t summon the energy to care. I secluded myself for several days, ignoring both the maze and my lessons, going nowhere but to the library and back, except for mealtimes. The only time I avoided the library was when I knew my father was likely to be there. I didn’t spend any time with my sisters. Even when I returned to my lessons, I would listen in silence and then escape to be alone. All I could think was that I somehow had to escape my life, so I threw myself into the lives of the characters in the novels that had been so much a part of my life before I met Gavin.

  Gretchen was my only companion at this time. We talked for hours. She at least understood the entire story; she knew Gavin didn’t deserve the treatment he had received and she didn’t look down on him. She knew how crushed I was to be separated from one of the few people I had ever called a friend.

  But it wasn’t just that I was separated from a friend. I had come to realize my father was right. I cared for Gavin too much. I cared for him as much more than a friend. I began to think I even loved him.

  It sounded silly even in my head, but it felt true. Because the moment I admitted it to myself, the pain in my chest tripled and my sobs had me doubled over, helpless. If it were only my life I was dealing with I would have sought him out immediately, but I wasn’t ignorant. I had to think of him. If he were to be seen anywhere near me, the consequences for him would be unthinkable. I had already ruined his life. I would not ruin it further.

  Only two weeks after Gavin was pulled from my life, my family went on holiday. I almost laughed out loud when Gretchen told me she had been instructed to pack my things for a holiday at the sea shore. We never went on holiday; I didn’t realize my father knew the meaning of the word. The reason for the outing was to show off our happy family—to demonstrate that my father had everything under control after the incident with the gardener and his wayward daughter. It was a show, and I was likely to be center stage.

  Whenever we were in view of the public, I made an effort to pull myself from my brooding and at least appear alert. As heartbroken as I was, I didn’t want to seem sullen and depressed, for that would help nothing.

  Once we were settled on the beach, with no one but my family and our servants close enough to see my face, I gave up the act and became caught up in my own contemplations. I sat a little apart from my family, staring out at the crashing waves, allowing the sound to rinse through my mind.

  “Ella?” I turned at the sound of Kalina’s voice. She sat next to me, studying me as though I were a puzzle. “Are you all right?”

  I turned away. “I’m fine.”

  “You know,” she started tentatively, “Mother and Father haven’t told the rest of us anything. We know something happened. All the servants are talking about it, but we don’t know what it was.” She paused, but I just stared ahead. “Won’t you tell me? I know there was someone named Gavin—”

  “Please don’t.” I shook my head, trying to get the sound of his name out of my head. “I’m sorry, Kalina, but I can’t tell you what happened.” I climbed to my feet and walked through the sand up a small rise and sat down on top of it. I was still in view of my family, but I turned my back, hoping to discourage anyone from approaching. I couldn’t talk about him. I couldn’t try to explain to my sisters who he was and what he had been to me. So I stared at the water and let the wind blow in my face until my eyes stung.

  Lylin and Marilee ran into my line of vision, holding their shawls out to let the wind catch them, making them flutter. I smiled, happy that they were still able to enjoy being young. They hitched their skirts up so they could run more freely and were quickly reprimanded by my mother. They each curtsied in acquiescence, then stifled smiles as they ran off once more.

  Lylin fell at one point, but it wasn’t until we left that my mother discovered the cut on her hand. Lylin only shrugged, but my parents took her directly to a healer anyway.

  My sisters and I walked down the main street of the little seaside town, looking in shop windows as our guards walked on every side. My sisters’ chatting was not quite as enthusiastic as it should have been after a day by the sea. They kept casting worried looks in my direction, knowing this holiday wasn’t quite what it appeared to be. My discontent dampened the mood, for which I was sorry, but not sorry enough to explain myself.

  When we rejoined our parents, Lylin was smiling and rolling her eyes at their hovering. We climbed back into the carriages and returned home amid the same strained conversation as when we left.

  The next day I headed straight to the library, returning to my voluntary exile.

  **
*

  I was sitting in one of the cushy chairs by the huge fireplace in the library when I heard the door open. I sat up, worried it was my father. Instead, my mother came into the room and sat in the chair opposite me.

  “Ariella.”

  “Mother.”

  She sat stiff and formal for several moments, then let out a breath, allowing her posture and brow to relax as well. “Will you tell me about it?”

  This question so surprised me that I just stared. I expected a reprimand, a demand for an explanation, a lecture about decorum, propriety and behaving while in public. Instead she asked me that.

  “About what?” I finally replied, wanting to be sure before I lay my heart on the table.

  “I want to hear anything you want to tell me, Ella. I know I have no right to expect you to bear your heart and soul to me. I’ve never been a confidante for you.” She looked at me with regret. “But if you need a listening ear, I’m volunteering.”

  My lip started to quiver as I realized how much my mother missed because of her title. I’d never seen life any other way, so I had never begrudged her absence, but in that moment I realized she might just be lonely as well. I bent toward her, lay my forehead on her knee and found myself gasping for breath.

  For the first time in years, I cried into my mother’s lap. I sobbed on her shoulder. I told her how I cared for Gavin and how foolish I had been to think my actions would not affect him. “And now he’s gone.”

  She rocked me in her arms and asked softly, “He was one of the groundskeepers?”

  I pulled away, brushing the tears from my cheeks. “Yes, he took care of the maze.”

  She smiled. “That’s one of my favorite places, you know.”

  “Because of the statues?”

  Her eyebrows shot up. “How do you know about the statues?”

  “He told me.”