“You mean, pretended to rescue me?” He dropped his gaze. “He would have saved me from the wicked clutches of his own stupidity? And then what?”
He considered me for a moment before turning his gaze back to the dance floor, trying for a casual appearance once more. “I believe he thought his actions would endear him to you, and perhaps you would consider marrying him.”
I turned to admire the dancers as well. “And if that had happened? If I had married him and come to live here, what exactly would he have done with you? Did he expect me not to recognize you or the others?” I could feel his eyes on me, though I still looked out at the festivities. “Or are you just an expendable resource?”
Instead of bristling at this suggestion as I expected, he remained calm. “I may be the closest thing Jeshua has to a friend, but I’ve always known I was expendable.”
I studied his face, and felt my sympathy returning, trying to get under my skin. He seemed wise in that moment—as though he could see his entire life laid before him, holding nothing but orders to be followed.
My eyes were pulled from his as Marilee came giggling and tripping her way in my direction, towing Lylin behind her. I acted on impulse.
“Ask me to dance,” I ordered, setting my drink on the nearest table.
Williams eyebrows shot up. “I beg your pardon, Your Highness?”
“Just ask me to dance, quickly.”
He straightened to his full height, looking awkward, and then sucked up his courage and bowed, extending his hand to me. I placed my hand in his and he led me onto the dance floor.
Marilee and Lylin came to an abrupt halt and started a whispered conversation, staring at me in astonishment.
William pulled me into a formal dance position and we stepped together into the flow of dancers. I held myself with all the grace that had been ingrained in me, and kept my eyes locked with his. I could have looked over his shoulder, but I felt the need to prove my mettle to this man, and thus refused to back down.
I allowed myself to be distracted by the motion, allowed the rise and fall of our movements and the swishing of skirts to clear out my muddled thoughts. I let myself examine the difference of feeling William’s hand in mine as opposed to the feel of dancing with Gavin. I was aware of William—aware of his eyes traveling over me with an intense curiosity. But it differed greatly from my awareness of Gavin. When Gavin and I were together, there was a pulse between us, a very distinct pull that often trumped my own better judgment. With William, the awareness was interesting, but not overwhelming.
“How did you do it?” William interrupted my musing.
I focused on him, wondering to what he referred.
“The tree,” he clarified, “the ropes. How did you get away?”
I hadn’t anticipated this question. In fact, I hadn’t anticipated him asking me any questions.
I wondered why he asked—if it was to satiate his own curiosity or to report back to Jeshua. My instincts told me this man held no true loyalty to Jeshua, but even so, I couldn’t tell him the truth. I couldn’t tell anyone the truth. Gavin was the truth, and I would not let his name be caught up with mine.
So I just smiled at him, using the smile that turned me into a mystery and reminded men of my position. I had never used this smile on Gavin.
“I’m afraid that is something you will continue to wonder over.”
He tried to dissect my composure with his piercing eyes, but I was much better at this game than I should have been. He finally gave up, his eyes going from searching to intent and determined.
“I suppose I’ll never get this opportunity again, so I’m going to take it.” He took a deep breath and I noted the utter sincerity swimming over his face. “I want to apologize for what happened to you—most especially for my own involvement in it. But I also want you to know that in some ways, I’m glad Jeshua asked me to carry it out.” My eyes widened in anger and he hurried on, “Because I really do believe anyone else would have been far less…”
He trailed off and I knew what he was thinking. He was thinking of all the words he could apply to his actions toward me, but discarded each one. They would have been far less what? Kind? Gentle? Merciful? Protective? They were the same words running through my own mind. And I knew he had as much difficulty as I did using those words to describe what he had done to me.
He tried again. “I believe it could have been far worse for you.”
“I know that,” I told him, but kept my face carefully aloof, unwilling to give him too much.
He nodded, appearing slightly relieved, but I didn’t want to let him off the hook too easily. “But that didn’t make it any easier at the time.”
He nodded once, accepting my refusal to forgive and we lapsed into silence. He started to focus on the dance and I noticed that when he tried, he was a superior dancer. I found myself trying to match my skill to his, until I noticed our audience.
Chief among those watching us were Jeshua, who had gone a bit pale, and my father, who looked distinctly suspicious.
As a general rule, I avoided dancing, especially when we were away from home. Part of me wanted to tone down my performance to avoid the curiosity of my family, but another part of me enjoyed our little battle.
I was spared the decision as the dance came to an end and William brought us to a stop. I could hear his breathing close to my ear before he released me with seeming reluctance. I think he still hoped for me to give some sign of forgiveness.
He stood stiffly before me for a moment until I looked at him.
“I am sorry,” he stated, then bowed lower than was necessary and walked away without noticing that I couldn’t bring myself to even nod.
I forced myself to walk off the dance floor and was immediately accosted by my sisters. Lylin surprised me by speaking first. “You danced, Ella! You never dance.”
“Was he terribly interesting?” Marilee gushed. “You looked as though you found him very interesting indeed. What was his name?”
Was that what it had looked like? That I found him interesting? I suppose that was as good an explanation as any.
“William.” I managed to answer her question.
“William who? And of where?” As always, Marilee must have all the particulars.
“I don’t know; I didn’t think to ask,” I responded, trying to move away from them.
“Didn’t think to ask?” Her reproving look suggested I had been remiss in my duties. “Well, when you dance with the next gentleman, you really must be more thorough. Details are important when considering suitors.”
I rolled my eyes, but smiled all the same. “Firstly, I am not considering suitors,” I began, and they each gasped as if this were a horrifying statement, “and secondly, I don’t plan on dancing with any more gentlemen tonight.”
“That’s going to be difficult,” Lylin muttered as she peered past me. I glanced back and saw two gentlemen eyeing me with interest and another striding toward me with purpose.
“I’ll catch up with you two later. Enjoy the dancing.” I slipped past them easily and looked back in time to see Marilee distracting the gentleman who had been in pursuit. Marilee could always be counted on as a good distraction.
Hurrying to the nearest door leading off the main hall, I passed by Jeshua, who latched onto my arm, pulling me to a halt.
“You desert too early, dear sister,” he sneered in his most charming voice. I was surprised at his talking to me. I suppose my dance with his henchman had gotten under his skin.
Taking hold of one of his fingers that wrapped around my arm, I bent it back until he let go with a wince. “Let me make one thing perfectly clear.” I stared at him, but he was avidly avoiding my eyes. He tried to appear genial while I continued to bend his finger back. “You have no say—in anything—to do with me.” I released his finger and strode away.
Crossing the entrance hall, I threw aside a heavy tapestry, entering what appeared to be an empty and dimly lit corridor. Then I stopped,
not knowing where to go next. I hated being here in Tride. I hated the inevitability of Jeshua marrying my sister. I didn’t want to stand by and let it happen.
I paced for a moment, wondering where exactly I could go from here. It was so confusing to be a royal when I didn’t feel like one.
“Can I help you with anything, Your Highness?” I looked up to see William standing in the shadows farther down the corridor. It seemed we had found the same place to collect ourselves. “You look as though you might be in need of an escape.”
“I do not wish to speak to you,” I said bluntly and turned away from him, toward the entry hall once more. He confused me. I already felt as though I were a paradox in my world; matters were not helped by this man, who seemed also to be a paradox in his world. And now we two paradoxes had collided and I worried the earth would fall out from under me.
“My apologies, Highness.”
I spun to glare at him. “Stop doing that,” I insisted. “Stop being nice. I don’t want you to be nice to me.”
He didn’t look surprised, only calm, and it reminded me of that maddening calm he had possessed when shoving a gag in my mouth. “Might I ask why?” he inquired.
“Because I want to hate you,” I spouted, fueled by the distinct memory of his actions toward me. “I have the right to hate you, I should hate you and yet somehow I can’t manage it.”
“Might I speak freely, Your Highness?”
My eyes narrowed. “Trying to uphold the rules of polite society seems a bit silly, don’t you think?” He stared at the wall and said nothing. “So, speak on. Speak as freely as you wish; at least you’ll be talking, which is more than I can say for the last time we met.”
His head snapped up. “You’re angry I didn’t strike up a conversation? Do you really think anything I would have said could have made a difference?” He had the audacity to sound angry.
“Yes.” My voice was rising but I didn’t bother checking it. I had been checking myself for too long.
“What could I have said?” he demanded in a whisper.
“The truth!”
“I was following orders.”
“But you could have said something. You hold no real loyalty to Jeshua. You didn’t want to carry out those orders. You’re not a lowly servant; you’re a knight! You could have done something, even a small something. I understand that all royal commands must be followed. Believe me—I understand that.” He didn’t retort because I was right. “A few words. ‘Someone is coming; you’ll be fine.’ ‘No one is going to hurt you.’ ‘The rat of a Prince will be along to collect you shortly.’ ‘We’re not going to torture and murder you!’ Something!” My calm was breaking. I had convinced myself that because I had never been in any real danger, I could control my emotional response. But it was slipping out now, as I was reminded what it had felt like in those moments. “Anything would have been better than the silence!”
And silence is what followed. William regarded me with his honest eyes and I tried desperately to hold on to my anger.
He walked slowly toward me, looking tired, resigned somehow. I tried to appear strong and angry. His hands came toward me and I refused to flinch away. I was strong. I was not intimidated, and he would not succeed in making whatever point he was trying to make. His hands came to rest on either side of my neck and I reflexively tried to push him away; but he just made me look at him and said earnestly, “I’m sorry.”
I stilled, shocked by the pain and vulnerability written on his crumpled face. My calm broke, my breath catching in my chest.
“I’m so desperately sorry for what I did to you. I know I have no excuse and I’m so sorry.”
I started heaving sobs and he pulled me to him, wrapping his arms around me.
“I’m sorry,” he repeated as I tried to push at him, tried to remember my anger, to remember all the reasons why this man had less right than anyone to touch me. But he just held on, binding me gently but inescapably against his chest, until I gave in to my need. I needed to be held. And so I rested my forehead on his shoulder, held my arms to my chest, and just let him hold me as I forced my sobs to quiet.
Standing there, clutched in the embrace of this stranger of all strangers, I remembered being attacked by the drunk in the road and afterwards coming into the entry hall and being held by Jeshua. I had hated it, wishing it had been anyone but him—because I had needed that comfort, but not from Jeshua.
As I steadied my breathing, my mind went back further, searching for the time when this sort of comfort had gone missing in my life. And I realized that ever since my Father had sent Gavin away, ever since he had started ignoring me as punishment for my defection, I had been missing this. Because my father had deprived me not only of Gavin, but of himself when he had sought to punish me. And I hadn’t realized the toll it had taken until now.
I gave up completely and let my arms go around him, fisting my hands into the fabric at the back of his coat. I breathed in the calm he offered, taking it in methodically, because I knew this was something I was not likely to receive again for a long time. I leaned into him, relaxing, pouring my stresses into him.
It was one of the strangest experiences of my life—to give myself over to the comfort offered by this man. I must have taken leave of my senses—and yet so had he. He should not—absolutely should not—have allowed himself to touch me. Dancing was one thing, but to hold me in a deserted corridor against my will was lunacy on his part. And yet I silently thanked him for it.
That was how Jeshua found us.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
The Truth
I HEARD THE tapestry draw back, but William was quicker to react. He shifted, putting the bulk of his body entirely between me and whoever had come into the corridor. He glanced back over his shoulder, but kept his arms around me. I froze, inexplicably trusting William’s instincts.
“Prince Jeshua, I’m afraid I’m a bit busy just now.” William chuckled in a conspiratorial way I didn’t recognize, having never had an opportunity to observe the brotherly bond these two seemed to share.
“So I can see,” I heard Jeshua reply. He sounded amused. “All the same, I’ll need to speak with you as soon as you are available.” The amusement was still there, but the authority overrode it.
“I’ll only be a moment,” William promised, and I sensed Jeshua had gone. William released me slowly. I let my arms drop but didn’t bother stepping back.
“What was that about?” I asked.
“He thinks I was in the midst of seducing you, but he didn’t realize who you were.”
I was surprised for a moment, wondering if Jeshua and his friends could often be found seducing maidens in deserted corridors. And then I remembered Jeshua’s several attempts at seducing me and felt my nose wrinkle in disgust.
William misread my expression. “An unpleasant prospect for you, I’m sure.”
“No, I was actually thinking of—” I stopped myself and leaned against the wall, realizing how tired I felt.
“Of?” he prompted.
I looked up at him. “You seem to have muddled my brain a bit.”
“How so?”
I put a hand to my forehead, trying to keep my rationality intact. “I have this absurd inclination to confide in you, but I know I cannot.”
His hand moved toward me but he stopped himself. “Why can’t you?”
I stared at him, not bothering to answer. He probably hadn’t expected an answer anyway.
“Very well,” he said. “Then I shall confide in you.” I smiled as he folded his arms across his chest with determination. It was admirable what he was doing, trying to distract me.
“But you have to answer to Jeshua,” I reminded him.
He sighed, resigned. “Right,” he muttered to himself. “So, what shall I tell him?”
“What do you mean?” I had no idea what Jeshua would want.
“He’ll want to know why we danced, what we talked about, and if you recognized me as…”
&nb
sp; “My captor?” I supplied blandly.
“Yes.” His arms fell to his sides and his eyes dropped.
I thought for a moment about Jeshua, about why I was here in Tride—to celebrate the fact that my sister would marry him. The situation was suddenly unacceptable. I don’t know if it was William’s taking on my burden, or just a sudden epiphany, but whatever the case, I couldn’t sit through it. “I can’t let her marry him,” I said to myself. “He’s such a wretched human being; she deserves better.”
I should have told my family the truth. That was obvious now. But the situation seemed so unbelievable and my instinct to protect Gavin was so overpowering that I had lost my sense. By protecting Gavin, I had thrown Kalina into the jaws of a snake.
Gavin had been right. She deserved to know what I knew. It was wrong for me to keep this from her for the sake of protecting anyone.
“Are you going to tell your father what happened?”
I studied him, realizing what a ridiculous web had been woven. This would affect not only me, but Kalina, Jeshua, Gavin, and now William. But I nodded my head anyway. “He probably won’t believe me, but there is nothing I can do about that. No matter what happens, Kalina needs to know the truth. Perhaps I can leave you out of it.” Even as I said it, though, I knew it wasn’t true. If I was going to tell this story, it had to be the whole story.
“Your father won’t believe you?” He sounded a bit incredulous.
A bitter smile flitted over my mouth. “He has his reasons.”
“You lie often?” he asked sarcastically.
I offered a small smile and answered with a partial truth. “He doesn’t approve of some of my associations. He doesn’t trust my judgment.”
“You shouldn’t leave me out of it.” He continued to shock me. I wondered if he realized what he was volunteering for.
“I know, but the consequences...” He just shrugged his shoulders, resigned. “Unless, of course, he doesn’t believe me, in which case he may not even let me tell him about you. Perhaps that’s what you should wish for.”
He frowned, puzzled by my continued assertion that my father would not believe me. “What if you weren’t the one to tell the story?”
Just Ella Page 24