Just Ella

by Annette K. Larsen

  And I? I had entered a new life as well. One where my father respected my opinion, one where he trusted me—trusted me enough to allow a stranger who had admitted to being my captor to ride in a carriage unescorted with two of his daughters. I had a new respect for my sisters; they were not as silly as I thought. It would be a new life where my parents knew my recent encounters with Gavin, and accepted them.

  I had no idea what it all meant—only that it was good.

  We arrived home as the sky was pulling itself from the blackness of night into the grey of dawn. Kalina jumped out as soon as the carriage stopped. The other carriage had arrived before ours, and Lylin reached out to Kalina as she passed, but Kalina slipped from her grasp and ran, headlong, into the palace. I sat in the silence, grieving for my sister, realizing I might have prevented this if I had not been so selfish.

  “Your Highness?” William finally spoke into the silence.

  “Did I do the right thing?” I asked, still staring at the place where Kalina had disappeared.

  “For whom?” he asked softly.

  “For everyone,” I murmured. “For you, for Kalina?”

  “Yes.”

  I turned to him. “But—”

  “Yes,” he insisted. “Your sister is hurting, but it will come nowhere near the hurt she would have experienced being married to Jeshua. You need to believe me about that.” I already knew this, but it was good to hear it from someone else. “And as for me,” his voice quavered, “you will probably never realize the gift you have given me.” He slipped his hands into mine, and gazed at me as though there were more he needed to say, but couldn’t find the words.

  Finally he leaned toward me and kissed my cheek. “So, thank you,” he said, and kissed my other cheek. I closed my eyes, welcoming the affectionate gesture without thought. Then I had the sensation of his mouth hovering close to mine, and my eyes opened.

  He abruptly pulled back when he realized what he’d done—what he’d been about to do. He leaned back into his seat, stunned by his own actions. I sat frozen, staring at him—not because I was angry, but because I wasn’t.

  He scooted even farther from me. “I seem to have momentarily taken leave of my senses. My sincerest apologies; I forgot for a moment who you were, Princess.” I found myself smiling, glad I had made yet another person forget my title, if only for a moment.

  That was why I wasn’t angry. That and the fact that his actions had not been intimate, only friendly and affectionate.

  I wondered for a moment if, in other circumstances, I might have fallen for William. If our relationship hadn’t started with lies, if I hadn’t been completely in love with Gavin—

  “I need sleep,” I concluded aloud. He immediately opened the carriage door and stepped out, holding a hand out to assist me.

  “Good night then, Princess.”

  “Good night, William,” I replied, then forced one foot in front of the other until I reached my room. I pulled myself mechanically out of my clothing, determined to sleep for a long time. Then I fell into bed and drifted into blissful unconsciousness.

  ***

  When I woke, I found Gretchen sitting by my bed, mending a piece of clothing. “You’re lurking,” I said to get her attention.

  Her hands stilled and she looked at me. “You did it.” She sounded surprised.

  “Did what?”

  “Got rid of Jeshua.”

  I smiled as I pushed myself into a sitting position. “I did.”

  “How did that happen? You aren’t even supposed to be here. You’re supposed to be in Tride for four days.”

  I winced. “And you were supposed to have the next few days to yourself,” I realized. “Oh, Gretchen, I’m sorry.”

  “Oh, pish.” She waved my apology away. “I don’t mind at all. I’m just relieved to be rid of him. Perhaps it will be some time before we see him again.”

  “We won’t ever see him again.”

  Her eyebrows raised impossibly high. She put her mending on the ground and crawled onto my bed. “All right, start at the beginning.”

  The explanation took some time. When I finally made it down to breakfast, it had been cleared away. A steward asked me what I would like, but I told him I would prefer to just eat in the kitchen. This is something I had done several times before. It always caused a bit of a stir, but the kitchen staff actually seemed to enjoy it now.

  When I entered the kitchen, everyone glanced up, smiled, dipped into a bow or curtsy, and then moved on with their work.

  Marta approached me. “Mornin’, Princess Ari. Miss breakfast again?”

  “I’m afraid so. Do you mind if I just eat in here? I hate sitting at that giant table alone.”

  “Course not, Princess. Come on back.” I followed her silver bun back to the alcove where a table and chairs were kept for anyone needing to eat in the kitchen. It was set back far enough to be almost completely private. It was one of the reasons I enjoyed eating here. No one but the kitchen staff ever knew I ate there, and they weren’t likely to disturb me.

  But the table wasn’t empty as usual.

  “William?”

  He stumbled to his feet and bowed deeply, still clutching his napkin with both hands. “Princess,” he mumbled. The mumbling seemed odd.

  “Oh, then you know our guest, do you?” Marta asked and I nodded. “Well then, I’ll let you sit to it. What can I bring you, Princess?”

  “A plate from this morning would be wonderful.” No need for them to make something new.

  I settled in a chair across from William and found him studying me.

  “What?” I asked. He seemed ill at ease, not his usual demeanor at all.

  “Nothing.” He glanced away, then looked back only a second later and answered, “I’m waiting for you to change your mind.”

  “About what?”

  “About my being here.”

  “Why would I change my mind?”

  “I can think of a number of reasons.”

  He was right, of course. Perhaps I was a bit crazy to have invited him into our home, but I felt he was a genuinely good person. Somehow, we understood each other.

  “I’m not going to change my mind.”

  He sighed. Not a sigh of relief so much as a sigh of acceptance. “Well then, what shall I do?” I furrowed my brow, not sure what he meant. “I must have an occupation of some sort,” he explained. “There has to be some way I can make myself useful to you, to your family.” I considered this for a moment. William was a knight, used to following orders and completing tasks. Of course he should be given work of some sort—he would go crazy otherwise.

  “I’m sure there is something.” Our plates were set before us. “Thank you, Marta.” She curtsied and excused herself. “I will speak with my father about it,” I told him, and then bit into my breakfast.

  “Thank you.” He did not touch his food.

  “Are you not hungry?”

  “Uh...” he went to pick up his spoon but was uncomfortable doing so. “I’m not used to eating at the same table as royalty, much less beautiful royalty.” He said this almost to himself.

  I smiled, finding it adorable that he would be nervous about eating with me, and couldn’t help poking fun at him. “Says the man who once sat on top of me.” He stared at me, shocked and horrified, then picked up his spoon and defiantly shoveled a bite into his mouth. I quirked an eyebrow, then went back to eating my food. His statement had made me curious, though. “You never sat to eat with Jeshua?”

  “No.” He sounded as though the idea were slightly absurd. “I stood and watched him eat many times during our discussions, but I never ate with him.” This made sense of course, but I had always thought of them as friends, ever since seeing them in the woods together. William had made it clear last night that there was no bond between them, but it took some effort to realign my thoughts. I was chewing my food thoughtfully when he addressed me. “I should apologize.”

  His phrasing made me smile. “You should apol
ogize or you are apologizing?”

  “I would like to apologize.”

  “For?” I asked, because there were a great many things to which he may have been referring.

  He shifted in his seat. “I realize the list is rather extensive. But at this moment I’d like to apologize for the familiarity I treated you with last night in the carriage. I had no right to—”

  “Don’t,” I cut him off, shaking my head. “Please don’t.”

  “Princess, I—”

  “No, really. I don’t want you to apologize for that. Apologize for something else.”

  His eyes studied my face, trying to figure out what I meant, then he nodded his head. “All right,” he said slowly, “then I apologize for sitting on you.”

  I smiled and we ate the rest of our meal in silence. He finished before I did, but continued to sit. “You don’t have to wait for me.”

  He shrugged. “I have nowhere else to be.”

  That afternoon, I managed to waylay my father in between appointments. I suggested he might find some use for William, and that little nudge was all it took. They spent more than an hour that afternoon locked in my father’s study, discussing I don’t know what.

  I stayed close to my father’s study as much as possible, hoping I might speak with William and see if they had reached a suitable agreement. I was curled up on a cushioned seat down the hall, reading, when the door opened. They shook hands in parting before my father left alongside his personal aide, who had been waiting right outside the door.

  William turned my way and walked slowly down the corridor, two fingers running along his jaw in deep contemplation. He didn’t notice me until I spoke. “How did it go?”

  He looked up, startled, and opened his mouth to answer, but it took him a moment to get a coherent thought past his throat. “Your father is an interesting man.”

  I raised my brow, waiting for him to explain this very broad statement about my father.

  “He reminds me of my own king—former king, I suppose—before his illness.”

  “Is he much different now?”

  “He’s much too weak to rule now, and even before he was weak, he was confused. Jeshua has been ruling for over a year now, though people don’t realize it. Most of the kingdom believes the king is simply too tired in his old age to make public appearances, but it’s much more than that.”

  “I didn’t realize.” His smile said clearly that he knew I didn’t realize that, which was exactly the point. “He was a good king?”

  I was still sitting casually and he took the seat next to mine, leaning his forearms on his thighs. “He was. He served his people to the best of his ability. I was proud to be a part of his household.” His remembrances had lent a softer quality to his eyes, but they went steely once again. “Now there is very little in that household to be proud of.”

  “Because of Jeshua?” He nodded but didn’t say any more, lost in contemplation. “Did you come to a suitable arrangement with Father?” I asked, trying to draw him back into the conversation.

  He turned to me. “Not...yet.” His slightly cryptic answer intrigued me. “I think he wants to get a better handle on who I am before he gives me any responsibility. I respect that; I understand it. I’m just glad he’s giving me the benefit of the doubt after everything that happened.”

  I had my elbow up on the armrest, my chin resting on the back of my fingers. He stopped talking and ran the back of his hand over my forearm, where my scars were still visible from scraping my arms on the bark of the tree. “What happened?”

  I glanced down and pulled my arm away. The velvet cuffs covered the dark, angry scars on my wrists, but my arms I had left visible. I felt bad answering, but I couldn’t lie. My hand rubbed over my scars as I answered, “I...climbed a tree.” I brought my eyes to his before clarifying, “With my hands tied.” I raised my eyebrows and shrugged my shoulders apologetically.

  His face was stricken, his mouth open to speak, but unable. His eyes shot away and then back. The regret and self-loathing obscured his features until that was all I saw. His eyes darted from my face, to my arms, to the wall and back again until he was so agitated that he pushed himself to his feet. He paced for a moment then turned to me suddenly.

  “Every apology running through my head is so pathetically inadequate.” There was a fury in his voice. A revulsion for himself, I guessed, and probably a good deal for Jeshua as well.

  I wanted to say something to make him feel better, but I didn’t think I could. I sensed any forgiveness I gave him at this moment would make him feel worse, not better. So I sat silent and let him work it out himself.

  “Tell me what to do.” He sounded desperate. “Give me something to do for you. Anything. I know it won’t be anywhere near sufficient, but please let me do something for you.”

  I opened my mouth, knowing there was nothing he could do for me. He couldn’t give me what I wanted. No one could. But before my refusal could pass my lips, I thought of something else. I closed my mouth, thinking over this request before laying it at his all too willing feet. “Help Kalina.” Confusion replaced the mask of self-loathing for a moment. “I don’t know how to help her through this. I think I’m the wrong person to help with Jeshua’s betrayal. But I think you could.”

  “I couldn’t—” he started, but seeing my expression he rerouted his thoughts. “I will find a way. If that is what you ask of me, then I will do everything in my power to help your sister.”

  “I think she mostly just needs a friend. And a distraction,” I offered, finding myself very pleased with the potential of this endeavor.

  He gave a nod of acceptance, then glanced once more as my arms. “Dare I ask why you cover your wrists?”

  “I’m fine,” I assured him. “Now, go find Kalina.”

  Excitement filled me as I walked away. It had been years since I had been excited about anything, and now I was—not only about William and Kalina, but about so many things that had happened over the past couple days. Jeshua was gone. As that realization sunk in, I was nearly overcome with relief. I had been living in dread, terrified that I had doomed my sister to a miserable marriage; terrified that any other choice would ruin Gavin’s life. Now that weight had been lifted, and I could see just how crushing it had been. Jeshua was gone, my relationship with my father was inexplicably better, and I had discovered a friendship in the most unlikely way. William was a godsend.

  Caught up in my thoughts, I found myself outside before I realized where I was headed. I stopped for a moment, making sure my actions were wise before continuing toward the maze. Gavin deserved to know what I’d done—that I hadn’t sacrificed my sister. I wanted to tell him my family knew he had saved me, and that he would receive the credit he so rightly deserved.

  It took only a few minutes of wandering to find him. He was hard at work, and I watched as he spread dark, rich soil over a patch of ground, crumbling the larger pieces in his hands. His arms up to his elbows were dark with soil, as was his forehead where he had swiped his hand across it. I shook myself from my observations, determined to keep my thoughts in their appropriate place. “Good day, Gavin,” I said to get his attention.

  He turned to look at me. “Princess,” he said in surprise as he rolled off of his knees into a sitting position. “I had heard your family returned early.” It sounded like a question.

  I just smiled, happy to have such good news to tell him.

  “Is there going to be a marriage?” he asked.

  “No,” I said, smiling even more broadly.

  He blew out a breath and chuckled. “I’m glad to hear that.”

  “I’m very glad to tell it.”

  “Well done, Ella.” His sincerity touched me.

  “It shouldn’t have taken me so long.” I dropped my eyes, appreciating his praise, but knowing I should have done the right thing long ago.

  “Did you tell them about the kidnapping?”

  “I told them everything, including you and your—heroic
s.”

  He didn’t respond, rendered speechless by this revelation. It took him a moment to recover. “I, uh—” He blinked back his emotion. “I very much appreciate that, Princess.” I didn’t know how to respond to his obvious emotion, so we were silent until he spoke again. “Your father believed you, then?”

  I nodded. “I don’t even know how it happened, but things with my father have greatly improved.”

  “So he’s not going to have me hanged for being too close to you?” He was fighting a smile.

  “I don’t know; he might. He is rather unpredictable.”

  “Very comforting, Highness.” He allowed himself a lopsided grin.

  It was good to see him smile—to smile with him—but I didn’t want to slip into the flirtatious teasing that had been our habit years ago.

  “I just thought you should know.” I clasped my hands in front of me, preparing to leave. “After all, I don’t know if I would have been able to do it without your—” I searched for the right words. “Without you telling me to.” I laughed a bit and a look of chagrin crossed his face, but he still smiled. “So, thank you again. I’ll let you alone now.” I turned to go.

  “Thank you, Princess.” I turned back. “For coming to tell me. I’m very glad to hear about it.”

  “You’re welcome. Good day, Gavin.”

  “A wonderful day, Princess.”

  I left him, glad I had been able to speak with him, but still missing him. I would always miss him.

  ***

  Over the next few days, I tried to be around whenever William and Kalina might have the opportunity to cross paths. She kept to her room much of the time, so I followed her after lessons, hoping it would give me some chance of seeing their meeting.