Just Ella

by Annette K. Larsen

  “Know what?” I shouted to keep from wailing.

  He stared for a moment more, then said quietly, “My…engagement”—I winced at the word—“was broken off several weeks ago.”

  I stopped breathing. My face went numb and my vision blurred. I could not speak; I could barely convince myself to start breathing again, and when I did it was quick and shallow.

  He very slowly started to move toward shore while he explained, “She and I both realized that while our marriage would have been practical, we both wanted more. She was not what I wanted, and she knew I was unable to give her what she wanted.” I blinked the tears from my eyes, wanting to see him clearly. He had stopped at the edge of the water, penitent. “I thought you would have heard. The news circulated all through the village only days after it happened. I thought for certain you would have heard of it. So when your indifference toward me continued, I thought perhaps you had found someone else. Then when I heard of William—” He stopped speaking when his words finally registered in my head. The barrier fell down; the conscious effort to stay away from him that I had been making for what seemed like forever was gone. I felt my body being pulled to him and found my arms wrapped around his neck. In the same instant, he wrapped his arms around me, fisting his hands into my hair.

  He lost his balance and we fell into the water. Gavin used one hand to push us up so our heads were above water, and though I gasped for breath after having my head submerged, I wouldn’t let go of him. It had been too long. I had been without him for much too long.

  He pushed us into a sitting position and then pulled back enough to see my face, pushing my hair out of the way. His eyes fixed on my mouth but he hesitated. I was not in the mood for hesitation. I put my hands to the back of his neck and brought his lips to mine. I had meant to kiss him firmly, but then his lips brushed mine and all of those tiny, lovely sensations flitted through me. I slowed my advance and savored the sensation for just a moment before letting my exuberance take over. I kissed him in earnest, saying haltingly between kisses, “I—missed you—so much.”

  He met each kiss with the same passion and longing as I. Once I had exhausted myself with kissing him, I wrapped my arms around his neck, burying my face in his shoulder as I reveled in his closeness. While I continued to cling to him, he picked me up out of the water and walked us onto dry land.

  He dropped my feet beside where my clothes lay, then picked up my cloak and draped it around me.

  “I’m not cold,” I told him.

  He fastened it securely around my neck before admitting, “This is for my sake, not yours.”

  I put my fingers to my lips to suppress a smile. It all felt so very new and yet so very familiar. He moved my hand away. “Don’t cover your mouth.”

  He moved to kiss me, but I needed the answer to a question first. “Gavin.” He stopped himself, only inches from my face and looked at my eyes. “I told you months ago that I was in love with you, but you’ve never said—”

  “I love you, Ella. I’m in love with you. You’re the only thing I’ve ever wanted.” I smiled at his thorough answer, and kissed him just as thoroughly, but then he pulled away, an expression of quiet sadness plaguing his face. “But in addition to not deserving you, you’re also the one thing I know I can’t have.”

  “Gavin, there is nothing you don’t deserve.” He smiled as though I were being overly kind. “And there is nothing you can’t have.”

  “Ella…” he said, trying to prevent me from giving him false hope.

  “I did some research. After our last…fight, and after you asked me what we would do if you weren’t engaged. I researched the laws on royalty and marriage.” His eyes were curious, but without hope. “Marriage of royalty to nobility is a tradition—a long-standing, well respected tradition, a tradition no one has broken in generations. … But it isn’t law.”

  He looked utterly shocked. “What?”

  “I’m not bound by law to marry someone with a title.” I didn’t want to push him, to make him think I wanted a promise from him right then, just after we had come to understand each other, but I wanted him to know our situation wasn’t as impossible as we had thought.

  “So, you can marry…”

  “Anyone I want.”

  “Me?” His eyes delved into mine and my breath caught. Was he really asking? “I don’t know how the details would work out, and I’m sure your father would want to kill me, but I could have you? If you chose me, I could have you?” he asked quickly, wanting the answer as soon as possible.

  “Yes.” I answered his hypothetical question, and he kissed me fiercely then, without the sense of reservation that I now realized had been a part of our kisses moments before. I felt nearly smothered, and it felt wonderful to be smothered by Gavin. I finally had to stop him so I could get my breath back.

  “Marry me?” My eyes snapped to his as I heard him ask. The intensity of his gaze mesmerized me. “Ella, will you marry me?”

  He didn’t wait for an answer though, just kissed me over and over, murmuring, “Marry me, marry me, marry me,” until I finally got out a “yes.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  Expectations

  WE SAT TOGETHER—his back against a tree and me curled up under one arm—watching the sun dip in the sky over the waterfall, his hands running constantly through my hair. “So what happened?” I asked.

  He took a deep breath and let it out in a relaxed sigh. “I finally took my own advice.”

  I looked up at him, my brow furrowed.

  “I said no,” he clarified, making me smile. “I dreaded breaking things off with Brinna, but when I went to talk to her, she started sobbing with relief. She’d been struggling just as much as I had with our decision. We cared for each other, but we both became more and more uncomfortable as the time for our wedding drew closer.”

  “I am glad she was not hurt. Were your parents upset?”

  He shook his head. “Did you know my parents never knew about you and I?”

  “Never?”

  “No, it was too dangerous.”

  “Not even after you left?”

  He shook his head. “They didn’t know what to do for me. They watched me struggle through that year and then talked me into the arranged marriage. I had no reason to say no, at least none that I could tell them. I was convinced I would come back here and you would barely remember me.”

  “As if that would be possible,” I said, burrowing into his shoulder.

  “I am rather unforgettable.”

  I snickered. “The boy who told me the only thing worse than nobility was royalty.”

  “I’m not entirely sure I wasn’t right about that,” he quipped, running his fingers through my hair.

  I closed my eyes, smiling sadly. “I know you were. I’m a terrible person.”

  “And what terrible things have you done lately?”

  “I almost let Kalina marry Jeshua.”

  He tightened his arm around me. “But you didn’t.”

  “But I came so close,” I whispered. “If not for William, I honestly don’t know if I would have been able to tell them.”

  “Ah, William,” he mumbled into my hair.

  I stifled a giggle. “You would like him.”

  “Oh, would I?” he questioned as he pulled the cuff from my wrist, his fingers caressing my scars.

  I smiled up at him. “I know it’s utterly bizarre, but William is one of the most honorable persons I know.”

  He sent me a mock glare. “But you still love me more, right?”

  “Yes, but only just,” I said on a laugh.

  He silenced me with a kiss. “Only just, indeed,” he muttered against my mouth.

  When he pulled back I stared into his eyes without guilt or regret and couldn’t stop my smile. “We’re getting married, you know,” I said in a conspiratorial whisper.

  “I do know, yes.” He gave me his crooked smile. “And how do you propose we go about telling your father?”

&
nbsp; I sighed, thinking through our options. “We could try to tell him together.”

  “If we showed up together, do you think he would allow me to live long enough to tell him the good news?”

  I laughed, only because I knew my father’s attitude toward Gavin had improved significantly since he found out Gavin had been the one to rescue me. Otherwise I would have taken his question seriously.

  “Perhaps that’s not the best idea,” I admitted. “I could tell them on my own,” I volunteered grudgingly.

  “I don’t want you to have to do that.” He looked so serious, so concerned, and I loved him for it. “Do you think your father would grant me an audience if I requested it?”

  I grimaced. “I really don’t know.”

  He brushed a curl back from my forehead. “I think I should try anyway.”

  ***

  Gavin was not granted an audience. So it was left to me. I told them. My mother sat silent, her face unreadable. My father sat there, silent, obviously fuming.

  “I know you’re disappointed. I know you’re probably much more than disappointed. But you have to know it doesn’t change anything. I’ve made my choice, and it is my choice. I’m marrying Gavin. I know I can’t control how you will react, but I hope you will remember that I’m not foolish or flighty. This wasn’t a rash decision made on a whim. I know what I want. I’ve agonized over it and this is my decision.”

  “I thought we had reached an understanding with one another.” My father was holding on to his composure, but only just. “And here you are, defying us once again.”

  “That’s where you’re wrong, Father. This has nothing to do with defiance. I’m not petty or vindictive. You know that! This is simply what I choose, what I want.”

  “You choose to toss our traditions aside. You choose to shirk your responsibilities.”

  “What responsibilities?” I shouted, unable to help myself. I was so tired of the implication that there was some great work I was expected to perform. In my way of thinking, the only worthwhile work I had done was in the village, and that I had done in spite of the king’s wishes.

  My father’s anger brought him to his feet. “You were supposed to be queen!”

  His voice reverberated off the walls, shocking me into silence. The weight of this declaration settled painfully on my shoulders, forcing me to rock back. The silence stretched out until I found my voice.

  “Don’t you think it’s a little bit late in my life to be putting that expectation on my shoulders?”

  “You can’t possibly be surprised.”

  “I am very much surprised,” I argued. “You have six other daughters; I am certain at least one of them would love that responsibility. They would each be better suited for it than I.”

  “You don’t really believe that, do you?” His question was sincere.

  Perhaps not all of them would be better suited, but if I knew anything, I knew this: “I don’t want it.”

  “Exactly,” he said simply.

  “Exactly what?”

  “Do you think the best person to rule is the person who wants to rule?”

  Of course not. I knew very well that anyone who wanted power was just as likely to corrupt that power once it was obtained. However, I had never considered that not wanting power would make me a likely candidate.

  “What do you think all of our lessons in the library were about, Ariella?”

  His words stung me, and my voice had lost all its force when I answered, “Forgive me for believing you were spending time with me because you wanted to. If they were so vital, then why did they stop for two years?”

  He closed his eyes and sighed heavily, but before he could respond, I went on. “I’m sorry you wasted all that time grooming me to become something I’m not. If I had known, then perhaps the path of my life would have taken me to a place where I could accept that responsibility. But it hasn’t. I’ve lived my life, I’ve become who I am, and I am going to marry Gavin. You will be ruling for many years to come; you have no need for a successor right now. And I can’t let go of my entire life on the off chance you’ll need me some time in the future. I have to live my life now, and I truly believe one of my sisters will be up to the task if you put your faith in them.”

  My father’s face was like stone, and just as silent for several long moments. Then a sadness crept over his face.

  “We were relying on you, Ariella.” His words soft, like I’d hurt his feelings.

  My calm broke. “You almost married me off to Jeshua!” My voice rang through the hall. All of the anger and hurt over the way my father had treated me in those years came spewing from my mouth in that one accusation. His hypocrisy hurt me deeply, especially since I had thought our relationship had made such strides. “For almost two years, you planned on my marrying Jeshua while not breathing a word of it to me.” The accusation surprised him, perhaps even more than my initial outburst. “How exactly did that fit into your plans of my being queen?”

  He didn’t answer me, only closed his eyes, looking pained.

  “I’m sorry you are incapable of understanding me. I truly wish it could be otherwise.” My hurt melted into tears. “I am going to marry Gavin.” I turned and walked away, the echo of my footsteps ringing through my head as I crossed the grand expanse of the great hall. I passed through the doors, intent on leaving the castle, but the words of my sisters stopped me.

  “Ella, you cannot be serious.” I whirled around to see Lorraina, Lylin and Marilee all standing just outside the doors of the great hall. Lorraina had spoken, her tone condescending and disgusted. I was about to snap out a reply to her, but Lylin spoke first.

  “Are you leaving, Ella?” She sounded worried and sad.

  I swallowed my anger, choosing to respond to Lylin instead of Lorraina. “Not right away.” I glanced back at the great hall where my parents sat. “At least I don’t think so.”

  “You’re marrying a common man?” Marilee sounded more bewildered than judgmental.

  “Yes.”

  “Why?” Her brow furrowed; she was honestly curious.

  “Because,” I began, trying to think of how to say it, “he’s the other half of my heart.” I shrugged a little, knowing it sounded fanciful and romanticized. “I can’t be myself without him.”

  A moment of stunned silence was followed by Marilee asking, “Are you in love, Ella?” Again the tone of mystified curiosity.

  “Of course.”

  All three were silent, and I took a moment to study their reactions. Marilee appeared baffled, but pleasantly so. Lylin’s eyes were bright and hopeful. Lorraina’s expression was almost angry, but mostly hurt. I wondered what about my situation pained her.

  Lylin was the only one to move. She hugged me and whispered only, “I’m glad,” before letting me go. I squeezed her hand and touched Marilee’s arm as I passed her, headed for the entrance hall.

  I found Gavin. I told him everything that had been said, then asked him when we should go speak with the clergyman.

  He had been silent throughout the telling, a look of deep concern on his face, until he finally asked, “What if he is right?”

  My stomach dropped. “About what?”

  “What if you are the best choice to lead when the time comes?” he asked in all sincerity.

  “I’m not.”

  We were sitting facing each other, our knees almost touching. He took hold of my hands where they wrung in my lap, then looked into my eyes. “But what if you are?”

  I didn’t answer right away. He had asked an honest question and I wanted to give him an honest answer. I stared at our hands for several moments, squeezing his fingers as I thought through my answer.

  I let out a breath before focusing on him once more. “If they have need of me, if it comes down to it and I am the one who needs to take the crown, then my father will simply have to change the laws.”

  Disbelief crossed Gavin’s face.

  “He could do it. He is the king, and if he saw fit
to alter the laws of succession, then he could. He could make it so that I would be allowed to rule with you at my side.” Panic replaced his disbelief. “So, now I suppose the question is, if it came to that, would you be willing?”

  I saw a myriad of emotions cross Gavin’s face in rapid succession. I hated laying this possible responsibility at his feet, but our situation required that we both know what we were asking of the other. At length, he took a deep breath and let out a quavering, “Yes.”

  I smiled, leaned in to kiss him briefly then said, “Then let’s just hope it never comes to that,” before I kissed him once more and felt him smile in the midst of it.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  Finally

  WE WERE MARRIED a month later. There was no reason to wait longer; we had been waiting forever. My mother helped me with the planning, and my father grudgingly complied with all her requests, including our wedding gift. My parents gifted us a villa near the capital. I was overwhelmed by such a gift, but it was the only thing that really made sense. We could not realistically live in either the palace (Gavin would not be comfortable) or in a common house (I would not be safe). And so we ended up with our own home, our own small piece of land, and we were both anxious to start our own life away from the scrutiny surrounding the palace.

  Our wedding day arrived with sunshine and fresh spring air. The ceremony took place in the small village church, and the only royalty in attendance was my family. I knew my father was still reluctant about the situation, and I suspected he came for appearance’s sake more than anything. But when he saw the way the village people crowded the church to overflowing—people standing outside, children perched on windowsills—I think it made a difference. I think he saw the love that his subjects so freely gave to his daughter, to Gavin, and especially to the two of us together. I think he found it difficult to fault something that created the kind of unity evident at our wedding. I took a moment to observe him, in the moments before the ceremony started. He stood beside me, waiting for our cue to enter. The joy and ease of the people surrounding him had made him drop his guard, and he seemed content. I was overwhelmed with gratitude when he turned to me with a smile on his face—a sad smile, for he could not fully approve of my choices—but a smile nonetheless. He wrapped me in his arms and I had to blink away the moisture in my eyes.