The Light in the Wound

by Christine Brae

  There is something to be said about a child’s loyalty to her mother, no matter what the circumstance may be. There is unconditional love that forgives no matter how much hurt is thrown your way. There is a relentless hope that a person can change and a compelling belief that things can only get better. There is acceptance.

  I learned how to love someone with all my heart, while aspiring to become the complete opposite of who she was. I loved her, but I swore to never be like her.

  “Action expresses priorities.”

  —Mahatma Gandhi

  Before I knew it, Jesse and I were lining up to take our graduation pictures. It was an emotional time for everyone, with one more month left at school and all of the anticipation built around what our futures looked like after we walked through those gates for the very last time. I had less of an affinity to the school than Jesse did, since I spent most of my days there waiting for him. To Jesse, it was like leaving his one and only home — a home where he was revered and cherished, where he was lauded with accomplishments every single day for four years. He was in different closing ceremonies and parties and celebrations almost every day of the month leading up to graduation. I tried to attend as much of them with him as I could, and I always made sure that I showed my support during the last few months of his tenure. That year, the Varsity Baseball team also won the State Championships, another notch to add to Jesse’s belt as the team’s star pitcher. Career wise, we were well on our way to working right after graduation. He was to start at that global consulting firm two weeks after school, while I had managed to land a job working for a Senator as an aide to the Senate Committee on Economics. My grandfather’s doing, I couldn’t deny it. But I knew that once I got in, I would be able to prove my own merit and make them forget that I might have gotten the offer through my family’s connections.

  Evie and Seth decided to move to the U.S., courtesy of the fact that Seth was born in Washington, D.C. I cried for days after she left, knowing that I wasn’t going to be seeing her for a while. Betty and I still saw each other whenever we got the chance. Alex left for Europe to find himself a year ago, and he either got lost or lost my phone number because I never heard from him while he was gone. Betty said it was because he told her that he had to get over me. I accused her of being overly dramatic and asked her to tell him that I missed him. I did miss him. He was a good friend to me and he somehow helped ease my loneliness and knew how to cheer me up. Betty was engaged to Leigh, so she was another one I suspected was going to say goodbye to me soon. Everyone had their own lives to plan, their own courses to chart. Mine was slowly coming together, but it still had Jesse in it every step of the way. I would have quit the job I hadn’t even started and thrown it all away if he were to ask me to marry him right at that moment. But he had his life plan and nothing was going to make him divert from it. Nothing at all.

  I graduated with honors and stepped up on that stage knowing that I had made Jesse, my grandparents and my sisters as proud of me as they had ever been. And when Jesse went up on the stage to give his commencement address, he looked straight at me as he spoke his words. It made me burst with pride, but more importantly, it made me feel like all those years may have been worth it. When he spoke his last line, “Remember that if you manage to stay true to yourself in this journey called life, you will accomplish great things. Success is not measured by money, fame or friends. Its intrinsic value can be found in the hearts of those whose lives you have touched,” the whole school cheered. Caps were flying all around the stadium as he proudly walked off the stage to stand next to me. The celebrations continued for the next two weeks, a party here or there and even a huge group trip to someone’s house on a gorgeous resort island. There was a change in Jesse that was noticeable to me, but I wasn’t sure if it was because this was the first time I was seeing him around a larger group of people. He was more relaxed, louder, and more social than he ever was with me. He also drank a lot and got drunk quite often. I chalked it up to the release of all of his pent up energy for the past four years. I no longer felt threatened by Katrina, in fact, she was in all of the parties and even came along during our trip to the beach. All the years of seeing what my mother went through swore me off both drinking and any form of medication. I was used to tolerating headaches and colds and coughs only because I refused to take anything to relieve any kind of pain. So I was probably the only sober person during the three-day trip to the beach.

  We arrived at the house on the beach a little after 8:00 P.M. The boat ride across the island was choppy and rough. The home was a stunning three-story house on the shores of the Pacific Ocean. We were assigned one of the seven bedrooms and walked on the beach with the rest of the group to find a spot to build a bonfire. Jesse was in great spirits, laughing with his friends and chugging those beers, it was a joy for me to watch him so relaxed and at ease. I was content with sitting on the sand between his legs, leaning on his chest and listening to the many conversations that were going on around me. About an hour into the bonfire, I started to feel the effects of the day trip and let out a stifled yawn into Jesse’s arm. He jumped at the opportunity and pulled me up, bidding everyone a good night and leading me back into the house.

  “I’ve been waiting to get you alone all night,” he muttered as we held hands and walked down the hall to our bedroom.

  “I have to take a shower before bed to get all this grime off me,” I said as I gave him a quick kiss and headed to the bathroom.

  Minutes later, I felt a draft on my back as the shower door opened and he stepped on to the teak-lined floor. We both laughed as it made a creaking sound, but his look turned serious almost immediately after I twirled around to face him. He had that all too familiar look — the one that he got whenever we were alone together. I stepped into his arms, and he held me under the warm and relaxing rush of the water.

  “Iss, let’s hurry so we can go to bed,” he whispered, as he unleashed a devilish smile so delicious I had no intention of staying in that shower a second longer than I had to. I pulled him down to give him a kiss. “Mmmm, you know how I am about having to blow dry my hair, right, babe? Fifteen minutes tops, I promise.”

  Ten minutes later, I climbed into bed and into his arms.

  Later, flashes of our night popped into my head as I relished the soreness that I was still feeling from being driven into while I was on my knees.

  “Oh my God, Isabel. You feel so good!” That sensuous voice in my ear would be with me that day, every day, forever.

  The second day we were there, the guys decided to take the boat on a fishing trip off the coast of a neighboring island. Jesse had asked me if I wanted to come along, but we had already done a late night boating trip the night before and I didn’t do too well with the darkness, the strong waves and the current. None of the girls in the group opted in either, so I decided to stay by the pool and relax for the day. It was a beautiful infinity pool that stretched out over a balcony overlooking the beach. I think I was the first one there but pretty soon, the other girls in the group had pulled up their deck chairs and struck up casual conversations among each other. There were six of us, but only three of us were the better halves in a relationship. Ryan’s girlfriend, Gina, was the one who introduced me to the group and went out of her way to make me feel at home.

  “Isabel, Jesse says you’re going to be working for the government. Are you excited?” she asked as she was attempting to spray her back with sunblock.

  “Here, let me help you,” I offered, as I took the cylinder from her and continued to squirt some formula on her shoulders. “Yeah, I really believe in what Senator Rickey is trying to do to help improve the quality of life for those living in the slums.” Oops. Too much information. I knew why I was suddenly nervous. Katrina had just walked up to us and taken the deck chair next to me. Why did she even bother to wear a bathing suit? The flesh colored string bikini she had on made her look gorgeous, pathetic and naked. And what I would give for that blond mane of hers. It made me
want to smooth my hand over it instead of yanking it out of her head.

  “Congrats, Isabel,” Gina continued. “And Jesse, how about that? First job and with a big time multinational! When does he leave for the training session? I know Ryan wanted to leave a little bit earlier so they can tour the place.”

  Katrina nonchalantly turned over to us and piped in. “We leave next Saturday.” We? We.

  “Oh, where are you going, Katrina?” I asked in my sweetest, most innocent voice.

  “Jesse, Ryan and I leave all together. Did you not know we were going as a group?” She threw back.

  “Oh, yes, I did, actually. I think I just spaced out for a few moments there.”

  The rest of the afternoon was pure torture for me. All I wanted to do was get up, go back to the room and absorb the new information I had just learned without having to feign my emotions. I felt glued to my seat, unable to move. I couldn’t give any indication that our short exchange had just unnerved me. We stayed by the pool for two more hours and then went in to make some sandwiches. Afterwards, I excused myself to take a nap in the room. I grabbed my phone off the nightstand and noticed three missed calls from Alex. Alex? Today is certainly the day for bewildering surprises. An hour later, I woke up to my phone ringing in my ear. I searched around the room and figured that Jesse wasn’t back from his fishing trip.

  “A?”

  “Hi Isa. Where are you?”

  “I’m at Karen Michell’s beach house on the island. Where are you calling from? Are you okay?” I was wide awake now.

  “I’m fine,” he said chuckling. “I’m back in town, and you’re the first person I called. I am so sorry I just disappeared like that. Issues.”

  “Why were you angry at me? What did I do?”

  “Absolutely nothing, Isa.” An uncomfortable silence ensued. “Listen, I’d love to see you when you’re back in town. You know, catch up. Are you still not allowed to go to the club? I can swing by your house, and we can go out for coffee or something.” Why did he sound so different?

  “The club. Huh. I haven’t been there in ages. I would love to see you, Alex. I’m so glad you’re back. I can’t wait to hear what you’ve been up to.”

  “Me too. Text me when you’re back in town?”

  “I’ll be back tomorrow. Not sure what time, but I’m sure Jess will take me home directly from here.” I winced when I said his name. My heart dropped as I remembered this morning’s revelation.

  “Okay, Isa. See you soon.”

  “Yup. Bye, A.”

  I pressed END on the phone and flung my arms back as I lay in bed and stared blankly at the ceiling above me. My eyes started to pool with tears. My heart was heavy with a conflicted mixture of overwhelming love and hopelessness. What was wrong with me? I was sick. Sick with love. I couldn’t let go even if I knew that I deserved more than four Saturdays a month of his time.

  TEXT FROM ALEX: I missed you, too.

  Jesse walked in about an hour later. Night had fallen and the sky was dark. I was watching the beautiful darkness over the clear dusky water from our expansive bedroom window. Shimmering sparks of light would flash every so often, illuminating the totally black sea. I heard the door close and felt him come up behind me.

  “Hi, baby. We’re going to have the big blue marlin we caught today for dinner. You should see how huge it was!” He was pressed against my back and his arms were folded across my chest. “How was your day?”

  “It was good. I slept for two hours this afternoon. I guess I didn’t realize how exhausted I’ve been.”

  “Looks like you got some sun,” he whispered, turning me around to face him. His hands were now underneath the oversized t-shirt I was wearing. “I’m the luckiest guy in the world, this is what I get to come home to,” he breathed, as he searched for my mouth.

  “Jess?”

  “Mmmmm.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me that Katrina was going to be working at the same firm as you?” My eyes were closed. I love his lips. Focus on the conversation.

  “Who cares?” He cupped my breasts. “I’ve been thinking about doing this all day,” he whispered as he planted his lips on my neck.

  “I do. She’s also going to be flying to the States with you and Ryan.” I tried unsuccessfully to push him back from me.

  “There’s the magic word. Ryan. He’ll be there.” His hands skillfully roamed my back as he lifted me up and pressed me against him.

  “Ryan being there, ungghhhhh, has never stopped her before.” Did he have to slip two fingers inside me while I’m trying to have this discussion?

  No wait, stop, I can’t do this anymore. I gently pushed his hand down so his fingers slipped out and disentangled myself until my feet were firmly back on the floor.

  I held his face and gently pleaded, “Baby, please, let’s just talk about this for a few minutes.”

  “Okay”, he conceded. We moved back and sat together at the edge of the bed. He took my hand firmly in his.

  “I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you that she was going to be working closely with me, especially during the training period. But I wanted to prove a point to you, that it wasn’t a big deal to me. I don’t care that she will be there. I don’t care about her. I’m going to train and then come back home and work as hard as I can so we can plan our life together. Isn’t that what our ultimate goal is?”

  “I think there’s a bigger issue that we’ve been avoiding here.”

  “What do you mean?” His head flinched back and his shoulders tightened.

  “For the past four years, you have been so focused on your plans for the future. Where do I fit in with any of this? I’m going to be working just like you. But unlike you, I keep waiting and adjusting to make sure that the path I take collides with yours. You don’t seem to be doing that for us.”

  “I know,” he confirmed, as he took a deep gulp of air.

  Finally, we were getting somewhere.

  “I’ve come too far to give this up,” he continued. “My whole family is depending on me to succeed. I’m not ready to start a family. I know you have always been so patient and cognizant of this fact that you have never pressured me to set a date, to marry you or to get engaged. I feel really guilty about it, and yet, I don’t ever want to lose you.”

  “Jesse, we’re at the age where we should be combining our lives together. Whether it’s our work lives, our social lives or our home lives. I can’t just be the girl that you see every weekend. It’s not enough for me anymore. I don’t think I deserve that after all these years that we’ve been together. Are you outgrowing me?”

  Silence. He rubbed his forehead and massaged his temples as if he had a headache.

  “Jess?”

  “Selfishly, there is so much I still want to do. I want to be able to map my own course without being held back. Do I want to date other girls? Sometimes I do, although in the back of my mind, I know that no one else will measure up to you. But do I wonder? Yes, I do.”

  There was the clincher. He had outgrown me. I allowed him to take away my identity. Why would I even wonder how this happened? When grown-ups advise you to see the world, gain some experiences, know that there’s truth in that. Somehow, you won’t know which grass is greener until you venture out over the fence.

  “Maybe it’s best if we broke up for a while. That way you won’t feel bad about doing or seeing whatever or whoever it is you want to do or see while you’re abroad.”

  Oh my God. Did I just stab myself in the heart, cut it in half and hand it over to him?

  “Iss, I love you. I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “Well, you can’t have your cake and eat it too,” I stammered.

  “I’m gonna lose you, I know I will. There are so many other guys out there waiting for the chance to take you away from me. You’ve grown more beautiful since the day I met you six years ago.”

  “And yet, therein lies the problem. I don’t want anyone else. I’ve always only ever wanted you. You keep telling me
that I’m beautiful, that I’m perfect. Apparently, it’s never been enough for you to make any significant decisions to show me that I matter,” I declared shakily.

  And with that, I stood up on wavering legs, walked toward the dresser and started emptying the drawers to pack my overnight bag.

  “I don’t know what I want,” he blurted out.

  ‘Well, then let me know when you figure it out.” I could hardly see past my tears. He wasn’t going to give up a trip with Katrina Edwards. He wasn’t going to fight for me.

  That night, I didn’t want to alarm anybody by walking out of our bedroom after the conversation we just had. I gathered up all my strength to go to bed while he sat upright clenching his fists, stared at the wall, and buried his face in his hands. He finally left the room a few minutes later, which gave me permission to cry myself to sleep.

  When I woke up the next day, I was in Jesse’s arms again. I don’t know what had happened, but I assumed that he crawled back into bed, held me, and that I had let him. Even subconsciously, my body always gravitates toward him. We gathered our things in silence and followed the group down the beach and back to the boat that was to take us to the main island.

  Jesse drove me home after we arrived back at Karen’s house in the city. The drive was long and brutal. His eyes were filled with sadness; mine were puffy and swollen. Even makeup couldn’t help me pretend that we had done what was best for both of us at that point in our relationship. He helped me carry my bag into the house and paused as he reached the bottom of the staircase.

  “Issy, tell me you’ll wait for me. Just tell me that this won’t be permanent. I’m willing to take the time to figure this out, but I don’t want to lose you.”

  “Give me something to make me wait. Tell me that I’m part of your two-year plan. Change your goals to accommodate me!” I cried. Did I even have a right to demand this of him?