The Light in the Wound

by Christine Brae

  “Alex, we need to talk. Did you want to meet somewhere tonight? I know it’s late, but I start working tomorrow and I know that we need to iron this out between us.”

  “Actually, I’m packing to leave for an overseas meeting with my dad. I’ll be back by the end of this week. I’ll call you and we’ll plan something then. Is that okay?”

  “But you’re going to leave tomorrow like this? Being mad at me?”

  “I’m not mad, Isabel. I can never be mad at you. I’m okay. I’ll be okay. I’ll see you in a few days.”

  “Alex?”

  “Yes?” His voice lilted as if he was excited to hear what I was about to say.

  “I don’t want to lose you as my friend.”

  He let out a deep sigh. Did I just disappoint him?

  “Don’t worry about it, Isabel. All good.”

  “Have a safe trip, Alex. Call me when you get back. And thank you again for bringing me home last night.”

  “Anytime, Isabel. Goodbye.”

  “When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”

  —Khalil Gibran

  My first day at work went by without a hitch. I was exhausted from trying to look busy because there really wasn’t anything much to do. After arranging my desk and setting up my voicemail options, there really wasn’t much I had accomplished. There were many other young people my age who were going to be working on the Committee and I was glad to meet all of them. No one got to meet Senator Rickey in person but me. He had asked his secretary to show me in during a break from his meetings. He shook my hand, welcomed me and asked how my grandparents were.

  At the end of my first week, Alex was back from his trip and asked to meet me at the Polo Club for dinner. I was anxious to see him. I couldn’t explain it. I figured it was because I was harboring guilt for what I did to lead him on the other night. When I saw him sitting at one of tables by the outside swimming pool, my breath caught. He looked so different, so grown up in a suit, so dashingly perfect.

  “Hi,” I nervously blurted out as I pulled out the seat across from him. He got up to push my chair back in for me.

  “Hi yourself. You look great. How was work?”

  I paused to reach over into his shirt pocket to grab his pack of cigarettes. My smoke buddy.

  “It was good. I still have to get used to all the rush hour traffic, but I’ve been taking naps in the car all week. So tired.”

  His lips curved up in a slight smile, almost as if the word “nap” kind of aroused him.

  “Alex, I’m so sorry. I’m a stupid, selfish bitch. I shouldn’t have led you on like that the other night. You’re the best friend anyone could ever have and I used you.”

  “You used me?”

  “I shouldn’t have slept with you. I feel like I ruined our friendship.”

  “All you and I have is a friendship?” His tone was now sarcastic.

  “Yes! I mean, no — Alex! We can’t just jump into having a relationship, especially when we started off as friends. I want to. I want to try, but you’ve been gone for a year. I was with Jesse. I’m still reeling from that breakup. You’re too good to just be a rebound for me.”

  Was that the best I could do? Geez.

  “How do you propose we try, Isabel?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “You don’t know how we should try, or you don’t know how you feel?”

  “Please stop repeating what I’m saying.” I was frustrated and irritated and afraid he was going to leave me. I instinctively grabbed his hand and pulled it toward me. He flinched but let me take it anyway.

  “You really should stop smoking.” His eyes were warm and his smile was so genuine.

  “I will if you will.” I smiled back as I caressed his hand with my thumb.

  “Okay, Isabel. Here’s the deal. I met someone while I was traveling in Europe and I’d been thinking of asking her out. I didn’t expect what happened the other night between us, so I didn’t say anything to you about this. You’re confused. You’re still in love with Jesse. You need time to digest everything that has happened in the past month. I know that I have to give you time.”

  Gone was the Alex of the other night, the smitten one had been replaced with the practical and clear-minded one.

  “What happens if I lose you?” I squeaked.

  “I’ll always be your friend.”

  “Who is she?”

  “She didn’t go to school here so you don’t know her, but her name is Amanda McCabe.”

  “Does she speak Spanish?” I broke out in a giggle.

  “Isa.” He rolled his eyes at me. He wasn’t in the mood for any jokes.

  I patted his hand, smiled warmly at him and pushed it back to his side of the table. “I’m happy for you.”

  “I’ll always be around to save you.” He smiled sadly. That word reminded me of everything he said to me the other night.

  “Alex?”

  “Yes?”

  “Did you mean what you said to me when we were together that night?”

  “Every word, Isa. Every fucking word.”

  The rest of the evening was easygoing and relaxed. I felt like I had my old Alex back. I made him promise to check in with me once in a while. On the way to the car, he stopped me in the parking lot and held me for a very long time.

  A month into my new job, Betty, Alicia and I went out to celebrate my first paycheck. It was my treat, so they chose a swanky Italian restaurant downtown called Tramonte. Work was crazy but in a very self-fulfilling way. Two weeks into my job, I wrote a position paper supporting one of the Committee’s hearings. The Senator liked it so much, he asked me to write some of his speeches for him. We were leaving for a tour of the country to conduct committee hearings in one week’s time.

  “Has anyone heard from Alex?” I asked that night during our dinner.

  “I have,” said Betty.

  “Oh my gosh, Isabel,” interjected Alicia, “have you seen his new girlfriend?”

  I shook my head and looked side to side at both Betty and Alicia.

  They looked at each other and said in perfect unison, “She looks just like you!”

  The next two months were a whirlwind in terms of work and the single life. Our tour around the country lasted for almost four weeks. We held hearings with the masses and interviewed with everyone about their current economic situation and how we could introduce government programs to help make their lives better. We met with people from all walks of life and various economic demographics. It was an invaluable experience for me. Life on the road was also exhausting and oftentimes inconvenient. I tried to fit in with my co-workers as much as possible and refused to receive special treatment everywhere I went. The Senator was aware that I was traveling with his party, so I knew that part of his security detail had been assigned to watch over me. Most of the people on our team were young males who were very respectful and helpful toward the handful of women in the group.

  I was also assigned to a few of my grandfather’s positions on various company boards. I accepted the role, knowing that he wanted me to help with his businesses someday in the future. I never asked to be involved, but I knew that it would make him happy to see my interest in the family business. Between work and my side work, I didn’t really have a chance to do much else.

  TEXT FROM ALEX: Saw your picture in Tarryn Jon’s column the other day. Looking beautiful as always.

  ME: Oh that. Yeah, I didn’t know they were taking pictures.

  ALEX: Who was that guy you were with?

  ME: Some work dude. We had to attend it together.

  ALEX: Lucky work dude.

  On the third month anniversary of my job, I worked a late night, trying to complete some projections for a farm-based agricultural program that the Committee was trying to recommend. It was 10:00 P.M. by the time I stood outside the office to wait for the elevator that would take me to the parking garage. I was so
focused on writing up some notes that I walked straight into the elevator as soon as the door beeped open. Bad habit, I know.

  “Isabel.”

  I looked up to see him.

  I was speechless. Stunned.

  “Jesse, what are you doing here?”

  He looked even more beautiful than the last time I saw him. He seemed sleeker, more polished. His hair was still wavy and ruffled, but tamer somehow. His eyes looked tortured, conflicted. He smelled the same. Bleu De Chanel. I had asked Alex to pick it up from Paris for Jesse’s birthday last year.

  “I saw Bernard in the parking garage, he told me you were still up here.”

  The elevator door closed as I hurriedly pressed the G button and moved away from him.

  “You look beautiful.”

  I wore a navy blue Valentino pantsuit with three-inch heels and a silk tied yellow blouse. Just as he was about to move closer to me, the elevator door opened.

  “Isabel, can we talk?”

  He didn’t attempt to touch me but merely followed me to a waiting Bernard.

  “Can we talk tomorrow? I’m just so exhausted tonight.”

  “I’ve actually been back for a week now. I really need to speak to you.”

  The worried look on his face melted my insides. Again.

  “I can follow you home, if you want to talk there. Or there’s a park two blocks from here. We can take a walk around and talk for a few minutes.”

  “I’ll have Bernard drive me there now. He can park for few minutes and wait for us.”

  I had no defenses when it came to him.

  He nodded his head and walked toward his car.

  Five minutes later, we were both sitting on a park bench surrounded by beautiful trees and a huge lovers’ fountain. I called it that because there were so many lovers holding hands while stealing kisses and throwing coins in the water as we sat there in silence.

  Jesse cleared his throat as he clasped both hands together and leaned his elbows on his thighs. “Isabel, for the past three months, I’ve thought of nothing and no one but you. I’m begging for your forgiveness. I love you and I want to make it all up to you.”

  I didn’t say a word as I stared out into the fountain. A few minutes of awkward silence passed.

  “Isabel? Did you hear me?”

  “Yes, I did. And I’m confused. What changed, Jesse?”

  “Nothing changed, Isabel. That’s the thing. I had all the freedom in the world to do whatever it was that I wanted, and all I could think about was you. I realized this after the first month in Boston. No one could replace you.”

  “What happened between you and Katrina?”

  “I tried to take what she offered me from the first day we got there. It just wasn’t what I wanted. You have stolen my heart, Isabel. I never really thought it was lost until I tried to use it.”

  “So you were with her? How long, Jesse?” I dug my nails into the palm of my hand, trying to concentrate on the pain instead of his words. I wondered if bleeding would ease the sting of his truths and provide release through some way other than my tears.

  “I swear, Isabel. One night. That was it. I didn’t try to call or write you because I felt so guilty about what happened. You didn’t deserve to be hurt again, and I didn’t deserve you.”

  “But?” My wounds had reopened.

  “But I couldn’t lie to myself anymore to think I was doing what was best for you. I told myself that I would tell you the truth and see if our six years together still meant something to you.”

  “Jesse,” I let out shakily as I took a deep breath, “you’re no longer the only guy I’ve ever been with.”

  He looked straight at me and shook his head, trying to fathom what I just said. He then shut his eyes tight, as if grimacing in pain. He stayed that way for what seemed like forever.

  Finally, he opened his eyes and said, “It’s okay. I can deal with that.”

  “I’m not the same girl that you left three months ago, Jess. I’ve learned how to be myself again. I just got back my identity, and I’m never going to sacrifice that for anyone ever again.”

  He took my hand, laced his fingers in between mine and smiled at me. “I wouldn’t have it any other way. Will you think about it, Iss? Will you think about coming back to me? We can get engaged next year, if you’d like. Once I start going for my master’s degree, we can start planning our wedding. It’s you I want, Iss. Just you.”

  I can’t begin to describe how I felt as he said those words to me. They were words I’d been dying to hear, and yet somehow, they had lost their meaning.

  “Here’s my new phone number, Iss. Call me tomorrow so we can talk more. I just purchased a condo in the city and will be moving out of my parents’ home next weekend. I received a signing bonus to join a well-coveted group within that multinational firm. It was offered to me as soon as training was over.”

  I nodded my head and stood up to leave. “I’m going to head on home, Jesse. I’ll think about everything and call you in the morning.”

  That night, I dreamed that I was on a carnival ride that kept looping around and around with no end in sight. I woke up utterly confused and extremely exhausted.

  It was a huge task to try to concentrate at work after the conversation that Jesse and I had the night before. I finally sent him a message during my lunch break:

  TEXT FROM ME: Where’s Katrina now? Are you still continuing your friendship with her?

  JESSE: Not if you don’t want me to. I haven’t seen or spoken to her since a month before we left Boston.

  ME: You have to stop all communication with her.

  JESSE: Consider it done.

  ME: Okay then.

  JESSE: Okay then, you’ll try again okay then?

  ME: Yes

  JESSE: I love you

  ME: :)

  I stayed an hour after work to put some finishing touches on a speech I had written for my boss. My phone dinged just as I was about to start packing it up for the evening.

  TEXT FROM JESSE: I told Bernard I would be picking you up from work today. Am downstairs just chilling. Take your time. I can make calls for work while waiting.

  ME: Be down in 10 minutes

  I crossed over from the elevator banks to Jesse’s waiting car in a secluded corner of the underground parking garage. He exited his car as he saw me approach and strode toward me with the most exhilarated look on his face. We stopped to face each other in the middle of the one-way lane. He leaned down to kiss me. He smelled the same; he tasted the same. All I could think about was the familiarity of everything that he was to me. I was looking forward to the ordinariness of our relationship. Too much had changed in the past few months, and I craved the stability that this was going to bring into my life.

  Jesse drove me home, asked to stay the night and I let him. “You look different,” he murmured, as I undressed to get into bed with him. “Your arms and legs are so toned. So smooth. So sexy.”

  “I’ve been riding at least once a week again. My instructor has me doing strengthening exercises since I lost some muscle when I stopped years ago,” I answered, looking away and embarrassed that he noticed.

  “I can’t wait to start watching you compete. I want to be at every event,” he hissed as he pinned my arms above my head while he kissed me. “I missed you so much, my Isabel. I need to know that I truly have you back. Somehow you still feel so far away from me. Tell me you’re mine, show me that there’ll never be anyone else.”

  “I’m yours, Jesse. All yours,” I gasped.

  He took his time exploring me that night and got reacquainted with every part of my body. But when it came time for my release, a face so clearly flashed in my mind and helped lead me to completion. It was the face I have long known was always with me. It was Alex.

  A week after Jesse and I got back together, I called Alex to tell him the news. I didn’t want him to think that I was hiding anything from him. I knew that he would be happy for me no matter what I decided to do. He di
dn’t sound surprised; in fact, he made it seem like it was something that was inevitable.

  “I knew that all you both needed was some time, Isa. I’m happy for you if you promise me that you’re happy.”

  “I am happy, Alex. Thank you.”

  I was disappointed that he had reacted so calmly. I immediately called Betty to tell her what I thought.

  “Is he really serious with Amanda now? Is that why he sounded so nonchalant about it?” I asked.

  “Isabel, the guy is trying to move on. Apparently, so are you. So stop overthinking everything and just take it for what it is.”

  She was right. Everything had fallen into place and I was wishing it was the same messed up way it had been only a few months ago. I should be happy that Jesse was back. I loved him with all my heart. He was kind and considerate and went out of his way to see me every single day after work. His parents and brothers and sisters were ecstatic that we had gotten back together. When I called both Evie and my mother with the news, they were more apprehensive about it than I had expected. My mother told me to make sure that the girl was now out of the picture. Evie told me not to settle just because I didn’t want to be alone. There were mixed meanings in both of their messages, but I chose to chalk it up to their genuine concern for my wellbeing. They both asked about Alex and I assured them that he had already moved on.

  “I could spend a lifetime

  Delighting in the image of the Friend.

  But once my heart beholds the Friend,

  Then pain becomes more precious

  Than a thousand delights.”

  —Rumi

  Life was back to more of a routine. Alex and I had even attempted to be friends again. One night, I had the bright idea to invite both him and Amanda on a double date with Jesse and me. Dinner started out well, with the four of us just catching up on work and making all sorts of chit-chat over unrelated and unimportant things. The tension between Alex and me was palpable. Every gesture that either of us made caused more friction as the night wore on. I caught him staring at me a few times. His girlfriend’s squeaky voice and touchy-feely attitude had begun to irritate me. I rolled my eyes when he held her hand. At some point in our meaningless conversation, Jesse addressed me as his wife.