The Light in the Wound

by Christine Brae

  I walked along the water for what seemed like miles and rested upon a little hill, as the tide crept up the beach and the afternoon sun was setting. Not too far in the distance, a wooden boat floated close to the shore, rocking back and forth in the calm, velvety water. My feet felt so good to be buried under the warm sand. I collected some shells to bring home to the kids, so I placed them next to me as I sat on the sand with my arms wrapped around my knees. I missed Alex so much. I wanted to call him so badly but was afraid that he had decided by now that he didn’t really need this kind of stress from someone like me. He could have any woman he wanted, he didn’t have to deal with this.

  “You look like an angel sitting here so peacefully, even from afar.”

  I looked up to see those familiar blue eyes, more beautiful than any sea in the whole wide world.

  “How did you find me?” I managed to say. I was so speechless with emotion; I knew that the next words out of me would turn me into a blubbering mess.

  “I didn’t at first. I went the other way and turned around a few miles into it. I’ve been walking for an hour.” He laughed.

  I reached out my right hand to him and he sat down next to me as he clutched it. He then brought my hand to his lips.

  “Alex!” I started to sob. “I’m so sorry if I hurt you the other day. I didn’t mean to. You totally misunderstood me. I was never confused about us. I-”

  “Shhh. Baby. Please don’t cry. I’m sorry I left so abruptly that night. It killed me to think that you had loved someone so much before me. I didn’t know if I could deal with it.”

  “But I can’t help that we had seven years together. I wish I’d met you first. But in many ways, you ARE my first. You’re the first man that saw me and loved me for who I really am. You encourage me to be myself, you’re happy when I succeed, you love my crazy family.”

  He wiped my tears with his thumb and kissed me. We touched our foreheads together as he gently rubbed his nose against mine.

  “Isabel, last night I realized that I would rather have the smallest part of your heart than nothing at all.”

  “You have my whole heart. It doesn’t matter if someone had it before you. He didn’t deserve it. You do. All of it. I’ll marry you tomorrow, if it means that much to you.”

  “I want to marry you next month. Only because I want to get started on our life together.”

  “My grandma and your mother are going to kill us, but we can probably threaten elopement if they don’t agree.”

  “You’re the smartest girl ever. I need you tonight, Isabel. Let’s head back to the house.”

  I stood up and brushed the sand off my white sundress, gathered my shells and took his hand. It was a nice and slow walk back to the beach house. This just feels so right. I knew more than anything that Alex was my road back home.

  We reached the cottage and knocked on Alicia’s door. The kids were so excited to see their Uncle Alex. We looked at the shells that I brought back and then Chelsea asked Alex to join them in a game of Old Maid. Of course, he ended up with the Old Maid card, which cracked them up even more. I took Alicia’s hands and brought them to my cheeks. She looked at me with understanding and I nodded my head in reassurance. After the card game, it was Christopher’s turn to get some attention from Alex. They sat on the floor and played with the Transformers, while Ali and I ordered room service for everybody.

  Two hours later, we walked hand in hand into our room, our energy renewed by the laughter and warmth we had just shared with Ali and her kids. Alex led me to the bed, and instead of sitting on it, I stepped up and stood on the mattress in hopes of being on the same level with him. He was so tall that it merely brought me slightly above his head. Our kisses turned frantic, only to pause as he pulled my dress over my shoulders.

  “I’m going to spend every night of my life kissing away your memories of him. I’m going to find places he never touched, places he never kissed and our first times will be a thousand times sweeter than your first times with him. Isabel, you are the love of my life.”

  “Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, glory in the flower, we will grieve not; rather find strength in what remains behind.”

  —Splendor in the Grass, 1961

  Alex was serious about moving up our wedding date. Despite our parents’ protests and Pierre’s extra “rush” charge, our wedding was going to take place two months earlier on January 21. That was only two weeks after Betty and Leigh’s wedding, and I felt rather bad about infringing on their special event. Betty, on the other hand, was thrilled and tried to convince Leigh to wait for us so we could honeymoon together. Of course, Leigh didn’t go for it. Neither did Alex, for that matter.

  The days after Christmas were as hectic as ever. Alex requested additional security for me in the weeks leading up to the wedding. My grandparents were worried that Jesse would resort to extreme measures to try to see me or speak to me, so they thought that having a bodyguard for protection wouldn’t hurt.

  “I don’t need additional security. Why is it such a big deal? Senator Rickey already granted me a leave of absence. I’m not going anywhere!” I argued vehemently against any special type of extra protocol.

  “Isa, your grandparents are just looking out for your safety. And I can’t say I don’t agree with them,” Alex calmly reiterated.

  “Agree with them about what, Alex? Jesse may be persistent, but he’s not that kind of person. You’re portraying him like he’s some kind of loony criminal. He would never, EVER do anything to hurt me. I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” I snapped.

  Alex’s body went rigid as he withdrew his hand from mine and turned around to walk away. I knew that my adamant defense of Jesse had upset him. I relented as soon as I saw his reaction to what I said.

  “Alex, where are you going?” I exclaimed in surprise as I turned on my heels to follow him down the hallway that led to our bedroom. I gently gripped his arm and tried to spin him around to face me.

  He backed away with a pained look in his eyes. “I think I should be asking you that question. Where do you go, Isa? Where do you go when we talk about him?”

  “Nowhere. I don’t go anywhere. I’m here with you, and I’m sorry.”

  “Sometimes I’m not too sure about that.”

  I ignored the fact that he didn’t want to be close to me. I stepped in toward him and wrapped my arms around his waist. “I’m trying, A. I really am.”

  With Alex, I knew just what I had to do to make him feel better. I knew his weakness, and I wanted to make him happy. I stood on my toes and pulled him in for a nice, slow kiss. His arms immediately wrapped around me.

  “I’m sorry, babe. If it will make you feel better, I’ll agree to being followed around for now.” I smiled sweetly as I led him into the bedroom and closed the door behind us.

  My mother was going to fly in the week before the wedding with Evie and Gracie. We spoke on the phone several times. She was sincerely very excited for me, but there was a dejected tone in her voice whenever we discussed the attention that my grandmother and grandfather were lavishing on me. I was on leave from my real job but continued to work for my grandfather’s firms by attending at least one board meeting a day. I enjoyed the type of work that I did for him immensely. It was challenging to be able to use negotiating skills to accomplish targets and goals. Alex and I would often discuss our ongoing deals and projects. My grandfather would beam with pride in the merging of two large family legacies. Gone were the days where my grandmother would compare me to my mother. I was nothing like her.

  Preparations for the wedding were in full swing. Pierre was the couturier/wedding planner/wedding coordinator. Apparently, he decided what your wedding was going to look like, what you were going to give to the guests and the food you were going to feed them. All my grandmother did was give him a blank check and away he ran with the Holtzer-Ailey funds like they were his. Neither my grandmother nor my future mother-in-law was worried, so I figured I would
let it go. Alex was busy traveling for work, trying to finish up his obligations so that we could take a week off for our honeymoon before figuring out what we wanted to do with our lives.

  My grandparents gifted us with the house across the garden where I grew up. We were going to live with them in the big house until they got the house renovated and furnished the way we wanted it. I didn’t take anything for granted. I was very grateful that we were getting a head start in life that not everyone else was privileged enough to have. His parents also gifted us with enough cash to spend on our honeymoon and to invest or save, depending on what we chose to do.

  The day of Betty’s wedding came, and I spent two nights at her house helping her get ready. She wasn’t nervous at all. She was the perfect picture of a calm, organized and very content bride. She was overflowing with serenity — I thought that if I stuck close enough to her it would somehow transfer onto me through osmosis. There had been many times during the last few weeks that I felt an overwhelming guilt for not returning any of Jesse’s calls. I had dialed his number a few times only to hang up right before it rang. He weighed heavily on my mind. I felt like I was hanging on the edge of a cliff, suspended in motion. I was either going to claw my way back up or release my hold and fall aimlessly to the ground.

  The night before Betty’s wedding, we lounged together in her family’s theater room, trying to watch Splendor in the Grass with Natalie Wood and Warren Beatty. We both loved that movie and would philosophize about the star-crossed lovers and why they didn’t end up together.

  “Isabel?”

  “Uh-huh?” She had interrupted me right when Natalie Wood was saying goodbye to Warren Beatty who was now a farmer.

  “What do you think married life will be like?”

  “I don’t know, but you’ll be finding out before I do.” Stop speaking to me; she’s looking at him through the rearview mirror.

  Betty threw a pillow that narrowly missed me but knocked the popcorn bowl right off the table.

  “Hey! What was that for?”

  “I can’t believe I won’t be here for your wedding!” Betty wailed. Because Alex and I had pushed up the date, she would still be on her two-week honeymoon with Leigh.

  “I’ll miss you so much, but you’ll be having such fun, time will fly and we’ll see each other again before you know it.”

  Her wedding went by without a hitch. Betty was picture perfect, with Leigh standing next to her in all his glory. The bridal party was composed of Leigh’s model friends, both male and female, Alex and myself. Alex arrived from another business trip and landed that afternoon with just enough time to stop by his house and get changed for the event. The couple’s wedding vows were beautiful and there were many emotional moments for me during the entire ceremony. Alex held my hand the whole time and squeezed it when symbolic words were spoken, and my eyes would brim with tears. The reception was held at the Ritz Carlton with about three hundred people in attendance. It was a party of who’s who with more or less the same group of friends that my grandparents ran around with. The newlyweds and their party were seated at the bride and groom table, which was set on a stage-like platform overlooking the other guests. Alex sat on Leigh’s right side, while I sat on Betty’s left.

  ALEX: I miss you. You are by far the most beautiful girl in this entire room.

  ME: Really? Cause that bridesmaid/model next to you has been leaning too close since we first got seated. LOL

  ALEX: I’m scheming about the quickest way to get that big bulky skirt off you tonight.

  ME: Is that all you think about?

  ALEX: With you, yes. Wanna meet in the bathroom?

  ME: :)

  I gathered my long dress together and stood up to leave. Alex shot up immediately and followed right behind me. I took his hand, and we strolled out of the room with sheepish smiles on our faces.

  “A, I was literally going to the bathroom. I need to pee.”

  “Then go and I’ll meet you right here in the lobby. Do you think we can just ditch this reception and leave? People are dancing, dinner is over, I’m really beat and I missed you.”

  “But I won’t see Betty for two weeks, we at least need to say goodbye to her and Leigh.”

  “You’re right. Let’s do it after you’re done.”

  We stopped in front of the bathroom doors, just as I heard someone call my name. I turned around to see Mr. and Mrs. Cain walking toward me.

  “Isabel, can we talk to you for a few minutes?”

  I let go of Alex’s hand and gave each of them a kiss on the cheek.

  I nodded at Alex and said, “Can you give me some time to talk to them? I’ll come and get you afterwards and then we can leave.”

  “Sure,” he replied, as he gave me a quick kiss on the lips.

  Jesse’s parents and I walked down the hall and sat on the first padded sofa that we found on the wall opposite the bathroom doors.

  “Isabel, we tried calling you in the office a few times but weren’t sure if you were receiving our messages,” Mrs. Cain began.

  “Oh, I’ve been on leave for a week now, so I haven’t been at work.”

  “Is everything okay?” asked Mr. Cain.

  “Oh yes! Of course. I’m just so busy getting prepared for the we-” I stopped short in my tracks and decided that they knew what I meant.

  “Isabel, we wanted to talk to you about Jesse. He’s really sorry for what he did. He’s devastated and hurting. We thought that maybe if we spoke with you we could better understand why you’ve decided to do this.”

  “Mr. and Mrs. Cain, Jesse and I just didn’t work out.”

  “He wants to marry you. He’s so in love with you.”

  “I’m so sorry that he’s hurting. If I could, I’d turn time back so that we could go back to the way things were before it all got so complicated. But I’m going to marry Alex now, and I hope that you can respect that.”

  “What happened? How did you stop loving him?”

  “I never stopped loving him. I waited too long and just lost too much time and pieces of myself for something that he wasn’t willing to commit to. Please know that I’m sincerely grateful for all the years that you were in my life. Mr. Cain, you were the father I never had. Mrs. Cain, the way you welcomed me into your family — I’ll never forget your kindness and warmth toward me. I love you both and will always love you, no matter what. You have to know this. But for now, I don’t think we have anything more to talk about. Please be happy for me. I’m happy. Alex Ailey loves me more than I could ever be loved.” What a long-winded speech. But this will be the last time I ever get to speak to them like this.

  “We understand, Isabel. But as a mother, my heart breaks for my son,” Mrs. Cain could hardly speak as she broke out in a whimper.

  I took her hand in mine and avoided her eyes. There was nothing I could say to ease her anguish. Mr. Cain put his arm around his wife and helped her to get up.

  “Thank you for your time, Isabel. Please always remember that you were like a daughter to us. That we will always love you.”

  I stood up and hugged them both tightly. There were tears in our eyes as I held each of their faces and gave them one last kiss on their foreheads. And then, it was time for me to go back to Alex.

  I scanned the room for Alex and found him dancing in a circle with Betty, Leigh and the gorgeous model. She seemed to be sticking too closely to him, but Alex was oblivious of that and genuinely looked like he was having a blast with his friends. I walked up to them and joined in next to Betty. Alex saw me and left his place to pull me in close to him. He took my hand and led me to Betty and Leigh to say our goodbyes.

  “Congratulations, my dearest friend. I love you. Have fun on your honeymoon. I’ll see you when you get back!” I whispered as I hugged her tight.

  “The next time we see each other we’ll both be old married ladies!” She giggled. Then she turned serious. “I’ll call you on your wedding day. Be strong, Isabel. Accept the love that’s being given to y
ou. Whatever you decide to do, I’m with you all the way.”

  Her message had so much significance. It came from an old soul who knew just what I had been searching for.

  We walked into the house a few minutes before midnight. Alex had now taken to pretending to do a sweep of the house for any undetected gifts. He took my hand as we walked around the foyer into the formal living room and then he smiled his big, sexy grin and said, “No unwanted gifts tonight.”

  I giggled as I grabbed his hand and led him to the TV room. “Let’s relax in here for a while. I’ll ask the maid to bring us some wine. And snacks.”

  I pressed the intercom to speak to the kitchen staff. I still had my bridesmaid’s dress on as I sat on the couch with my feet tucked under my dress. Alex removed his shoes and socks and laid his head on my lap. His eyes were closed, one arm bent backwards holding my waist and the other folded on his chest. I lovingly rubbed my hands through his hair.

  “Tired, huh?” I whispered.

  “Uh-huh. That flight was more taxing than usual.”

  “Maybe you just got a bit more stressed trying to fit everything in.” I bent down to kiss his head. “Beautiful wedding, don’t you think?”

  “I do,” he mumbled. “I’m so glad Leigh finally got her. He thought for sure she would tire of that kind of life. She’s not used to following anyone around.”

  I missed her already.

  “Isa, can we talk about what the Cains wanted?”

  Mellie walked in with a tray of snacks and two glasses of red wine. He sat up to lean on my chest instead, and I lovingly wrapped my left arm around him.

  “I think they just wanted to hear everything from me. Why it ended, how it could end, you know, all that.”