The Light in the Wound

by Christine Brae

  Remember the party where we first met? When you walked straight into me, you were so close that I had to curtail the urge to wrap my arms around you and hold you there. I still remember how I snuck a sniff of your hair — it smelled like heaven. No matter how hard I tried not to fall for you, you had me then, just as much as you have me now. There is no sweeter sound to me than your laughter, and I’ve been craving it more than I do my next breath.

  We were from two different worlds and I wanted so much to be a part of yours. But somehow I felt that I never belonged and resolved to work hard at thriving in it someday. I now regret asking you to give up your world for mine. I guess we were just so young, I never imagined how asking someone to surrender who they are will always only be temporary. While we were in college, the sudden attention and success that I had went to my head. I felt so invincible. I thought that my success would cure me of all my insecurities. I failed to recognize that your patience and love was what got me there. There was so much temptation around me everywhere I went and I felt like I was losing out by tying myself down to you. And yet, when we came together every weekend, I knew that I wasn’t willing to give you up either.

  I never stopped loving you, Isabel. Through all these growing pains we shared, it has always been and will always only be you. I was selfish and foolish to think that you would wait for me while I sorted myself out.

  I thirst for you, I long for you. There is not one moment that goes by that I don’t think of you. Nothing matters to me. I will never find my peace or happiness without you.

  Do you still think of me, Issy? When you’re with him, is it me that you see? Are you with him only because you fear that you have so much love to give? I’m here now, Isabel. I’m ready for all your love. I’m ready to love you, to fight for you. If you give me back your love, I promise never to waste it again.

  I’m outside of your house waiting for you to come to me. I’ll stay here no matter how long it takes. Come outside. Let’s continue our story. Let’s prove to the world that first loves can last a lifetime. Please, Isabel. I’m begging you. Come to me tonight.

  Jesse

  I felt weak and lightheaded. I was blinded with tears. But I wasn’t hysterical. I was surprisingly calm. The sound of the heavy downpour on the glass roof over our heads was deafening. I dropped the letter to the floor and walked up to Evie.

  “He’s outside. I’m going outside. I’ll text you if I need you. Please don’t follow me,” I pleaded with her.

  Evie slowly nodded her head as I turned to walk toward the front door. As she slowly wrapped me in her arms, her words were barely a whisper, “Do what you need to do to get him out of your system.”

  I was running down the driveway when I realized I didn’t have any shoes on. I could hardly see through the rain and was soaked to the bone by the time I got outside the gates. As the security guards started to run after me, I jerked around, held both hands up to them and yelled at the top of my lungs, “Don’t! DO NOT follow me!”

  I turned to my left and saw him. As he looked up and realized it was me, Jesse got out of his car, walked a few feet toward me and fell to his knees. He was holding up a black box as he sobbed. I steadily approached him and took his hands in mine. Calmly and with wooden precision, I led him back to his car. Not a single word was exchanged between us as he started the car up and drove away. I stared out over the dashboard into the darkness before us as we rode the car in complete and utter silence.

  Before the light comes this must all be over, I thought resolutely. Tomorrow needs to belong to Alex.

  He jumped out of the car and threw his keys on the driver’s seat as we made our way into the lobby of his condo. I didn’t care that we were both soaking wet and that I was still barefoot.

  Jesse opened the door to his place and led me inside. As I stood by the entrance, he switched on all the lights and rushed to the closet to grab us some towels. He gently handed me a towel for my hair and wrapped another one around my shoulders. Minutes passed and we still hadn’t uttered a single word. He led me to his couch. I sat on one end while he sat on the other.

  “Jess!” I sobbed. “Why are you doing this to me now? Don’t you see that it’s too late?”

  He stood up and knelt in front of me, in between my drenched legs. “No, Issy. It’s not too late. I love you. I want to marry you. I’m so sorry. So sorry. We have tonight. We can make this right. Tell me how to turn it all back. Please, Isabel. I’m going to die if I don’t get to touch you. My heart can’t take it!” he cried.

  I reached out for him and took him in my arms as he continued to shed tears.

  “No, Jess, please don’t. Please don’t cry!” I wailed.

  He pushed me back and lightly traced my face with his thumbs. I closed my eyes as his fingers felt my face, my eyelids, my nose, and my lips. His hands slowly traveled down my chin, my neck and lightly brushed my arms. I leaned back and let him touch me. I closed my eyes and felt his hands touch my breasts, my stomach, my hips, and my thighs. I begged my mind to memorize the feel of his fingers, his touch, his smell. I would never get over him. He was still like a drug to me and I was getting my much-needed fix. I never wanted to forget him. I wanted the feel of him indelibly carved into my heart. I loved him once; I will love him always. If he didn’t wound me, there would’ve been nothing for Alex to heal.

  Alex. He healed me. He deserves my love.

  Just as he spread my thighs for a more intimate touch, I stopped him. I was in the right frame of mind to know that from that moment forward, Alex would be the only one to have that part of me. I took his hands and brought them to my face. I kissed his hands, brought his forehead to my lips and held them there for a few seconds.

  “Jesse, I want to say goodbye. I want to thank you for everything. For loving me, for teaching me, for being my first. You opened up my heart and showed me how amazing it feels to be in love, to let go, to be immersed in selflessness. I’m so glad that all this happened with you.”

  He was sobbing openly as he said, “Please love me, please love me again. You did it before, please try to remember what you said — you promised you’d never say goodbye.”

  For the next few minutes, we sat together, holding hands and speaking volumes through the silence of our hearts. It wasn’t like he had given up. He knew that I had made my choice. Fifteen minutes later, I stood up to leave. He remained seated, looked up at me and clutched my hand with a desperation in his eyes that pierced right through me. Those intense and fiery gray eyes that held my soul. It was the perfect photocopy of the picture that Ryan took years ago, only this time, I was the one turning my back. I slowly pulled my hand away and walked toward the door. I heard a gasp and a sob but willed myself not to turn around.

  What kind of person am I? Do I have a heart? What am I doing? Who walks away from her first love?

  I do, I calmly told myself. I have to. I’m going to regret staying. I’ll be a disgrace to my family. He can’t do this to me again. Open up your heart to Alex. Now that you’ve let Jesse go, you can fall completely in love with him. You can. You will.

  “Pleeeease, Isabel!” Those should have been the last words I heard him say.

  I stopped right in my tracks as that high-pitched howl froze me in my place. I can’t do this. I can’t leave him. I did make him a promise. At least not like this. Have you ever been at the highest arc of a rollercoaster after the long, slow ride to the top? Do you remember how it feels when you take a deep breath as the car tips over, right before the drop? As soon as it happens, gravity sucks the air out of your lungs and for a split second, no matter how hard you try, there is no air inside you. Your lungs are barren. You’re empty. This was my freefall. I felt smothered, like I was dying. For the longest time, he was my air. He was my life.

  I snapped around and ran right back into his arms. He was standing now, about to chase after me.

  “Jesse!” I cried, as his mouth sought mine and I finally gave in to him. Give me back my air. I need it so desperate
ly.

  It was incredibly liberating to feel such abandon. No qualms and yet no promises. We kissed as he lifted me up and pinned me against the wall. His hands grabbed my hair as he snaked his quivering lips down my neck and wrapped my legs around his waist.

  Every action has a consequence. It will be mine to pay once this night is over. Once this night is done.

  “No! Jesse, No!” I wept. “We can’t, Jesse. It’s not right. Not like this!”

  He looked at me with such sadness and resignation as he gently set me down.

  “Issy, stay with me for a little while longer. We don’t have to do anything. I just want to be with you.”

  I nodded and walked toward the couch. We sat down facing each other, my head resting on his shoulder, while my legs were tucked under my knees. He took my hand, placed it on his heart and kept it there. We spoke in hushed tones, somber and subdued.

  “Why didn’t you wait for me? How could you let him love you?”

  “His love for me is so different. It’s healthy. It’s real. All these years, he’s been my friend. He loves me for me, Jesse.”

  “I love you for you. I was just too insecure to get over your being too good for me. That’s changed now, Iss. I’m a success. I can take care of you.” His voice was louder, more emphatic.

  “I don’t need anyone to take care of me. I’ve always told you that.”

  “Where did your love for me go?”

  “It never left. Alex is just here now.” I brought his hand to my lips. “You and I, we don’t bring out the best in each other. You wanted control and I let you control me. I equated it with your love for me. Now that I’ve had a chance to experience a different kind of love, I can never go back.”

  “I can change. I can be anything you want me to be. Just love me again, Isabel,” he implored.

  I balked at the pain in his eyes. I had no more words for him.

  “I have to go home soon.”

  “Please not yet, stay with me. Let me hold you, just like this.” He enveloped me in his arms, closed his eyes and breathed a sigh.

  We were both exhausted from the fight to slow down the passage of time.

  “Do you want to see the ring I got you?” His tears fell as the words came tumbling out.

  “No. I don’t need to. I’m sure it was really beautiful, though.” I smiled warmly at him.

  “I love you, Issy. I don’t want tomorrow to come,” he said sorrowfully, his eyes never leaving mine.

  “It’ll be okay, Jess. We both know what we have to do. Right now, we still have a few hours together. We’ll be ready when tomorrow comes.”

  I snuggled against him, closed my eyes, and allowed the peace in my soul to take over my heart.

  “Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.”

  —Marcus Aurelius

  When Ali and my mother met me at the door early that morning, there was so much understanding and sympathy in their eyes that I just totally lost it. I fell into my mother’s arms as they led me upstairs to my room. Evie looked at me searchingly, as if waiting for me to confirm her suspicions. I shook my head slightly and she understood. She looked more relieved than anything else.

  “Isabel, hija, it will be okay,” my mother said as she stroked my hair and embraced me tightly.

  Evie went about setting out some dry clothes for me to wear. Everyone was at a loss for words. My mother held me for an hour until I finally fell asleep.

  I awoke to the sound of chirping birds. It was past two o’clock in the afternoon and I was still feeling drowsy. I got out of bed and wrapped a blanket around me as I walked down the hall to see where everyone was. My sisters and my mother were in her sitting room. I walked in and sat down on the couch beside Alicia.

  “How are you feeling, Isa?” she asked as she drew me into her arms.

  “I’m feeling better. Just a bit tired,” I answered feebly.

  “Francesca, Alex has been calling. I told him you were resting and he said to just let you know he called. That he can’t wait to see you at the church tonight.” My mother was cautiously choosing her words.

  I nodded my head and lay on Alicia’s shoulder.

  “I’m gonna get some cucumbers for your eyes.” She laughed as she stood up to leave. Evie took the cue and joined her as they walked out of the room arm in arm.

  The room was totally quiet except for the low hum of the air conditioner. “Francesca, please talk to me,” my mother started.

  “Mom, there’s nothing to say. I made a mess of everything. I didn’t know it would snowball into something I can’t control,” I cried.

  “What’s out of control, Isabel?” she asked.

  “This. The wedding. I’m getting married today. How can I love Alex when Jesse has my heart? Is there such a thing, Mom? Can that happen?” I looked at her and knew at that moment that she understood.

  “Yes, it can. My life exploded out of control when your father hurt me. I did everything to hurt him back, to the point of no return. He was the only man I have ever really loved. But after all the words and the hurt and the men, there was no way we could repair what we ruined. Isabel, listen to me. If you don’t want to go through with the wedding, you don’t have to. We can stop this. But I’m going to tell you that Alex — his love is what you need. He will fix you. He will fix your heart.” Her tears were falling as I rushed into her arms.

  “I know, Mom. I know this is what’s best. But my heart. It’s broken. What if he can’t fix it? What will my life be like?” I wept openly, as I covered my face with my hands.

  “You, my love, will be okay. You will fix yourself if you need to. You are so strong, so determined, I have no worry at all whatsoever that you will survive this. That’s what you are, Isabel. You’re a survivor.” My mother wiped my tears and kissed me on the forehead. I nodded weakly and lay on her lap.

  “Okay, here is your face mask and cucumbers for your eyes,” Alicia excitedly called out as she walked back into the room. “No more crying, please. No amount of makeup will be able to fix those eyes!” We all laughed and the drama was over. For now.

  The afternoon was spent with Ali yelling at me to not get up so the cucumbers on my eyes wouldn’t fall off. I tried to annoy her by scrunching my face until bits of the face mask started to crack and crumble. We had our nails done; the hair and makeup ladies came over. My mother’s sitting room was converted into a beauty salon.

  Betty called too, excited for me and upset that she couldn’t be here. I assured her that we would catch up as soon as she got back. “Hey,” she breathlessly greeted me. “How’s the bride to be? Nervous?”

  “I’m good. Where are you?” I tried to sound as normal as possible.

  “Sorry, I was trying to reach you now due to the time difference. Leigh and I are walking down the Champs Elysees, just shopping.”

  I could hear the shuffling of feet and shopping bags as she chatted on.

  “Oh, fun!” I exclaimed as the hairdresser was unrolling the curlers in my hair. “You’d better get off this phone, you might trip with all those bags,” I joked.

  “I miss you, Isabel. I wish I was there. You’re doing the right thing,” she mused pensively.

  “I know, B. I miss you too. Thank you for calling. I’ll see you when we get back from Paris.” I wondered if she sensed the fake lilt in my tone.

  “Hey, Isa. The lady at Hermes says that there will still be Birkins when you get here next week. Alex needs to get you your wedding gift.” She laughed loudly.

  “I can’t wait!” I squealed. “I love you, B, and thank you for calling.”

  “I love you too. And Leigh sends his love. He says, ‘Happy honeymoon!’” She snickered.

  Finally, an hour before I was to leave for the church, Pierre showed up with my dress. It was the most amazing piece of artwork I had ever seen. A strapless gown in exquisite lace with light beading all over and a big satin bow at the back. After t
he wedding, I found out that my dress alone had cost as much as Mellie’s salary for the year. Minutes later, the tiara was delivered by security guards over to our house. It was filled with diamonds and pearls and perfectly sat on top of my veil like it was made for me. Well, it was, actually. My grandmother had modified the old family heirloom to modernize the diamonds and settings a little bit. She felt that wearing a tiara last worn by my mother would be bad luck. She wouldn’t have gone all out like this if I were marrying Jesse. It was all about marrying an Ailey and making sure she showed them that I was their equal. That was my grandmother. I loved her for it because no matter the reason why, she finally loved me at that moment. Maybe I gave her and my grandfather their time in the limelight by marrying Alex. My sponsors were Senators and my guest of honor was the President of the country. Did I give Jesse up for this? Was he the price I paid for making them love me?

  When the time came to get into the limousine and head out to the church, I asked for a moment alone with my mother. “Mom, I wanted to tell you how much I love you and to thank you for being here for me today.”

  She smiled at me and kissed me on the cheeks. “You’re my daughter, Isabel Francesca. And I love you.”

  “I need you, Mom. I need you in my life. I promise we’ll visit often. Alex and me. You are gaining a wonderful son. We will make it,” I said this with utmost certainty.

  Minutes later, my grandfather and I were pulling into the church driveway. “Go ahead, Grandpa, I’d like to sit here until my sisters come and get me.” I leaned over to give him a kiss and ended up wiping my lipstick off his cheeks. “Thank you for everything.”

  He awkwardly patted my hand, nodded his head and left me alone with my thoughts. The car was heavily tinted and I was confident that no one was able to see me inside. I laughed out loud as I saw Alex rushing toward the limousine and being held back by Evie and Alicia. I watched as they scolded him, their scowling faces pushing him toward the church entrance.