Myth Alliances

by Robert Asprin

"Well, I would hesitate to doubt such upright members of the community," Kassery waffled, "but I have also heard Coolea say something similar. He claimed that he saw my mate standing before our tormentors, then was whisked away."

  "I believe that would confirm that it is he," Zol suggested. "If the Pervect Ten meant to frighten their interviewees with the thought that they, too, could become a permanent guest they would leave him on display. Pervects are not subtle people."

  "That's true," I agreed. "All right, that's it. I've been feeling guilty because I believed I had driven Wensley to a suicide attack. That had me stuck for a while, but I'm not stuck any longer. We're going to get him out."

  "How?" Tananda asked, reasonably.

  "The only way to do it is to beat the Pervect Ten into submission," I insisted. "We strip away their strength and put them at our mercy."

  The looks on my friends' faces ranged from astonishment to open pity. Even Gleep wore a puzzled expression.

  'Ten Pervects at our mercy?" Bunny asked.

  "Are you sure you are feeling all right?" Kassery inquired, with tender solicitousness.

  "I'm fine," I informed her. "I'm better than I have been for ages. I'm not crazy. I know how we can do this," I think. "We can't beat them if we go at them head to head, but we're not going to; we're going to hit them where they live—literally."

  Tananda watched me carefully. "It sounds like you want to commit organized suicide. Mind letting us in on your plan?"

  "It's not organized suicide, or suicide of any kind." I looked her squarely in the eyes. "A good general never wants to go into battle. I learned that from Big Julie. But when you have to, you go in to win, one way or another. Where you can't win openly and honestly, you win any way you can, because the enemy is going to do the same thing. Right? And you know me. I don't want any of us to get hurt, not even the Pervects, if I can help it. To do that I need your help. All of you."

  Tananda's moss-green eyebrows climbed her forehead. "I'm not sure I like the way this is going. Excuse me for being skeptical, but I signed on to watch your back, and I will. I'll do anything you need me to, but I'm not even a little sure what you want to do is possible."

  "Trust me," I pleaded. "You might like what I'm going to suggest. At least I'm hoping you might. At least, I'm hoping you won't throw me through a wall for suggesting the first step I want you to take. I need you to go back to Scamaroni and look up your friend Scootie."

  A half-grin appeared on her face, and her shoulders shifted unconsciously as she considered it, not unfavorably, I thought. "And ask him what?"

  I whispered in her ear. She let out a long giggle, took my face between her palms and gave me a big kiss right on the lips.

  "See you later, handsome," she waved. There was a loud bamf as she vanished into thin air.

  "What can I do?" Bunny asked eagerly.

  "Nothing right away, but I'll need you and Bytina to help with negotiations with the Ten."

  "Why Bytina?" Bunny asked, with wide eyes.

  "Access," I grinned. "With what I have in mind we may not be able to speak with them directly. Bytina may be the only way we can communicate with them. I'm going to trap them inside their own fire spell."

  "How?"

  I waggled my eyebrows. "Tanda's gone to get the means. I hope."

  "How may I help, Master Skeeve?" Zol inquired.

  "Insights," I replied, though I didn't tell him how I planned to use the opposite of whatever he said. "Tell me how the Ten are likely to respond when we throw our one-two-three punches at them."

  "Ah!" Zol exclaimed. "A three-pronged attack. Very clever. I see that Mistress Tananda is one step. The fire spell is another step. But what is the third?"

  "For that I'll need about thirty packets of Kobold snacks," I grinned.

  Zol's big dark eyes crinkled with merriment. He glanced at Gleep, who looked innocently from one of us to the other.

  'This is why you are such a successful magician," Zol said me, as he picked up his notebook for a quick trip back to Kobol. "Innovation. Would you care to join me, Miss Bunny?"

  "I'd love to," my assistant replied. The two of them vanished. One more item off my mental checklist.

  "Can I help?" Kassery inquired shyly.

  "I need to meet with as many Wuhses as possible," I said. "Tonight or tomorrow, in Montgomery's inn."

  "A secret meeting? Can I tell them what it's about?"

  "It's simple," I responded. "Everyone has a stake in getting the Pervect Ten to leave. It's time that some of you Wuhses step up and help out. I promise that no one will get hurt. They might get yelled at, but they face that any day."

  Kassery nodded. "I will begin to organize it. They will be there." She rose from her crouch on the stone steps.

  "Oh," I added, "and can you look after Gleep for me for a little while? I have to run back to Deva to pick up a few things."

  Gleep looked disappointed, but Kassery regarded my dragon warmly. "It would be my pleasure," she responded, hooking her hand through his collar. My pet followed her with reproachful looks over his shoulder, but I knew better than to take a dragon shopping with me at the joke shop in the Bazaar.

  We reunited at Montgomery's that evening. Kassery, Gleep and I waited at the table in the corner that had come to be our headquarters. As Bunny and Zol appeared, I was careful to throw a disguise spell over them. After the debacle on Ronko, I was certain that the Pervect Ten were very angry with me. I figured the safest possible place to be was right underneath their noses, but I saw no reason to advertise the fact, either.

  Bunny's eyes were bright with excitement. "Oh, Skeeve, I had such a good time! Kobolds certainly know how to throw a party. They updated Bytina's communications program, and I think I got messages from everyone in the dimension!"

  "Mission accomplished," Zol informed me, patting his satchel. "Is there any other way in which I might aid you?"

  "There is one thing," I began.

  Just then, Tananda reappeared. Her clothing was a little disheveled, but she had a smile on her face, and she was humming happily. I reached out to extend my disguise spell to her, but I was unable to cover up her olive-skinned beauty with the semblance of a sheep-woman. I smiled smugly. Mission accomplished.

  "If you wouldn't mind," I queried Zol, "I would appreciate your help with a research project."

  Tananda ambled over to me and placed a small object on the table. I noticed that as we leaned in to look at it, our faces changed from Wuhs to our respective races.

  "But what is it?" Bunny asked.

  "It's a stone," I informed her. "At least, I think it's a stone."

  "That I can see," my assistant replied, with some asperity. "I may be able to play the dumb moll but you know I'm not."

  "Sorry," the Trollop apologized, grinning. "Skeeve didn't know what he was going to get. It's a piece of stone from the Volute courthouse wall."

  "This will do it?" I asked, nervously.

  "Mmm-hmm," she hummed, running a sensuous finger along the decolletage of her tightly laced tunic as if remembering a pleasant sensation. "He swears it. Precisely what he said is 'It makes more of itself.' That was the best he could explain it, and believe me, I asked him several times. He was not inclined to mislead me at the moment. He's just not a magician." She raised her eyebrows meaningfully, and I did not want to ask her under which circumstances Scootie was sworn to honesty. I could guess.

  "What is it?" Bunny insisted.

  "It contains a portion of the enchantment that created the anti-magik field inside the jail on Scamaroni," I explained.

  "But what's the use in that?"

  "What's the biggest advantage the Pervect Ten have over us?" I asked her.

  "That they can mop up the floor with us?"

  "That's only if they can reach us," I pointed out.

  "But so can any Pervect," Bunny asserted reasonably. "Between their magik and their strength, they can pound any Klahd or any Trollop into jelly."

  "No," I corrected her, "
what makes the Ten unbeatable is their ability to combine their magikal talent into ten times ten, to command forces that make my talent look like a drop of water in an ocean. If I can figure out how to duplicate this spell, we can knock out their power."

  "Which still leaves them able to mop up the floor with us," Tananda pointed out. "They don't need their magik to tear us to pieces."

  "Not if they can't reach us," I replied. "You see, if they can't use their talent, they can't dimension hop."

  "Out of what?"

  "Remember their fire protection spell? The one we took for a walk the first day we came to Wuh?"

  Tananda made a noise. "Will I ever forget it? I like being around hot stuff, but that goes outside the definition."

  "That's the one. We get them inside it, but we turn it inside out so they're trapped. If they can't use magik, they're not going anywhere. Then we have negotiating power."

  "And how are we going to get them to wait politely in their chamber while we steal their powers and lock them inside their own security spell?"

  I agreed with them. "For that, we're going to rely upon Wuhs power."

  Since the Wuhses were still under house arrest during all nonbusiness hours the only time they were able to attend a secret meeting was just after dawn and before they had to report for work in their shops and factories. Thirty or forty Wuhses crowded nervously into Montgomery's main room.

  "We do not wish to be late, Master Skeeve," Gubbeen reminded me, watching through the window as the sun climbed with distressing rapidity up the eastern edge of the sky.

  "Then I won't waste your time," I said. "I'm ready to fulfill the deal we made, but to succeed I am going to need your help."

  "Us! W… w… well, you're the one Wensley hired," Ardrahan protested.

  I raised an eyebrow. "How badly do you want these Pervects out of here?"

  "Er," Gubbeen thought about the question for a moment, "a lot?" The others nodded their heads vigorously. That seemed to be the general consensus. They were willing to agree upon that concept.

  "Enough to risk your life?" I inquired, pushing a little harder.

  "Uh," Cashel gulped, "well, now that you mention it, not really. It hasn't been so bad with them here now, you know… new things to do, new industry getting started…"

  I interrupted him. "Do you want to end up in a bottle like Wensley?"

  "No!" the Wuhs protested. He began to back out, but there wasn't room in the crowded inn. "I mean, if it's not necessary, but they have their own opinions on how they want to deal with us, you know. Everybody has his or her own style, and who am I to condemn that, right?"

  "Well, here's the good news," I told them. "I need your help, and it won't be fatal or painful at all. How about that?" The Wuhses looked surprised. I had begun with the worst possible scenario, and dropped the level of threat until it was under their threshold of panic. I did my best to keep from smiling as they discussed the matter between themselves, but I wasn't going to wait long for their answer. "Well?"

  "I believe," Gubbeen began, "that the risk assessment is favorable to our continued comfort. All in favor of assisting Master Skeeve… ?"

  "Yah. Ya-a-aaah. Yaaaah," the others bleated in agreement.

  "Opposed."

  They all looked at one another. That was the biggest reason I had not approached each Wuhs privately. In public, they had to hang together, or face peer pressure to accede. I was right.

  "Sheep," Tananda muttered.

  I rubbed my hands together. "Good. Now, here's what I want you to do. One week from today…"

  I now had to undertake the most intense course of study in my life, more difficult even than when I was trying to learn Dragon Poker in a week. Montgomery lent me a small, unused root cellar as my study, since we didn't want an inkling of what I was doing to circulate. The Wuhses were terrified of the Pervects, but they loved to talk among themselves. A secret which they crossed their hearts and hoped to die before telling was open knowledge before the next round of drinks was on the table. I watched it happen over and over again. Therefore, Gubbeen and the others were on a need-to-know basis only, as far as the specific details of our upcoming attack were concerned.

  It was easy for me to say I could break down the components of the anti-magik spell and figure out how it worked, but since it did dampen any magikal probe that I threw at it, it made it harder to figure out what made it tick. Zol offered me his assistance.

  "We can employ statistical analysis and field emissions to discover what sets it off," the Kobold stated, setting up his computer at the far end of the table. We discovered that inside a certain range the stone prevented either his notebook or Bytina from operating in this dimension. Bunny kept her little PDA at a protective distance from the sample.

  "What puzzles me is what our source told Tananda," Zol reminded me. " 'It makes more of itself.' What can that mean?"

  "I don't know." I peered at the rock more closely. I had had plenty of time to study the walls during my incarceration, but I had not seen the bricks reproducing. "Maybe we have to give it something to reproduce with."

  We tried soaking the stone in water, wine, oil, and several less savory fluids. We fed it sugar, plant food, even people food, but it continued to sit there. I went back to Klah for the grimoires Garkin had left me. Everything in his books was oriented toward channeling power, not getting rid of it.

  "Maybe it's like yeast," I suggested. We broke it up into little pieces. We mixed it with dirt, then gravel, then chunks of rock. We heated it in fire, cooled it in ice, added practically every ingredient I could think of. I surrounded it in a field of magikal energy, then let it dissipate. Nothing happened until we mixed the wall parts with sand. The chunks of rock started making a hissing noise. A lather began to gather on top. I reached out a finger to touch it, but Zol yanked my hand back.

  "Don't touch it!" he cautioned me. The sizzling noise got louder. "I believe it's working!"

  "But why sand?" I asked, watching as the foam covered the mass and enveloped it in a seething, heaving, glowing lump. Heat blasted outward from it, singeing our eyebrows. We retreated to the far end of the cellar. "Why would that work when rock like the original piece wouldn't?"

  "Because of its relative translucency," Zol explained. "I believe that what you have just witnessed is a textbook example of near-clear fizzin'."

  I was too fascinated by the process to ask for a clarification. It was working.

  It took a few days to produce a couple of buckets full of the anti-magik material. Tananda provided security on the cellar, making sure that no one came down to see what we were doing, although my yell of "Yee-hah!" probably raised a few eyebrows. I emerged from our laboratory, frizzled hair and all.

  "Are we ready?" Bunny asked.

  "We are," I announced, triumphantly. "The coup will proceed on schedule."

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  "But that trick never works!"

  R.J. SQUIRREL

  Niki shouldered into her coverall and gulped down the rest of her coffee.

  "Almost whistle time," she told the others, who were in various stages of trying to wake up.

  Oshleen peered up from her ledger full of red ink with gold lines showing in the yellows of her eyes. Vergetta threw aside her copy of the Perv News, their sole link with civilization in the dreary Wuhs backwater.

  "The new line is running like a top. No trouble from the Wuhses. They went right from Pervomatics to personal reminder pixies. The hypno chamber is really good. Even I almost forget what we're doing when I leave there."

  "Should patent it," Caitlin stated, tapping away at her keyboard. "Look at the potential applications for secret installations. There might be government contracts in a device like that."

  "Oh, great, that's all we'd need," Charilor groaned. "The government already forgets half the stuff it's doing. Do you really want to add deliberate black holes to that?"

  "I guess not," the little Pervect shrugged, not looking up from her scree
n. "Should patent it anyhow. Won't keep the Deveels from copying it, but at least we'll have a legal reason for ripping their lungs out if we catch them."

  "I can't believe that there's been no heroic attempt to rescue you, little guy," Vergetta told the paperweight in the middle of the table. "Nobody throwing themselves on the ramparts, no one scaling the walls, nobody battering down the door. Looks like all your friends are a bunch of Wuhses, eh?" She laughed heartily at her own joke. The Wuhs didn't join in.

  "There was a retraction in the Ronko Gazette from the Great Skeeve," Paldine announced. "I saw it when I went to pick up our stock. What I can't figure out is why."

  Vergetta looked dubious. "Why which one? Why he got in our way, or why he apologized?"

  "The apology is the weird part."

  "Looks to me like he backed out of his contract with Shorty over there," Tenobia declared, aiming a manicured thumb at the Wuhs on the table. "Nothing's happened for a week. He probably went back to his batcave with a big fat zero. Probably just figured out he's as likely to get paid as we are."

  The can hanging from the wall jangled. Niki frowned at it, then went over to pick it up. She listened, the scowl growing deeper.

  "Something's wrong at Factory #9," she told the others as she let the cylinder drop. "The Wuhses are refusing to sign in." The can clattered again. She snatched it up and shouted into it. "I'm coming! What?" She threw it down. "Factory #2. They're protesting for better parking spaces."

  "I'll go," Tenobia volunteered. "I'll give them parking spaces!"

  "Don't all of them walk to work?" Nedira inquired.

  "It's probably a notion one of them picked up on another dimension," Tenobia snarled. "Ironic, isn't it? They found something for free that's still a pain in the rump!" She vanished.

  The can jangled again. And again. The Pervects grabbed for it, another rushing off to handle each fresh situation.

  "Hold on!" Vergetta shouted, as Charilor was about to blip out to handle a riot at Factory #3 about microwave popcorn privileges. "This is too fishy. Someone's trying to get us all going in a dozen directions at once."

  "Skeeve," Oshleen sniffed. "He's back! But where?"