Lobsters

by Lucy Ivison

  Robin whacked me on the arm. He was finally getting served at the bar.

  ‘Oi! I’m getting you another gin and tonic, yeah?’

  I couldn’t take my eyes off Hannah and Pax. I could just about see them if I peered over the crowd on my tiptoes.

  ‘I just want water,’ I muttered. I didn’t hear his response.

  Pax put Hannah down and started talking frantically at her. He still had both his hands on her waist. She moved them away gently, but he put them straight back, and she laughed. I wished I could hear what he was saying.

  Robin turned round and forced a gin and tonic into my hand. ‘There you go.’

  ‘I said I wanted a water! I’m too pissed as it is.’

  ‘You can’t be too pissed at a festival, Sam. That’s mathematically impossible. Do you think anyone at Woodstock ever said, “Oh dear, I’d better slow down a bit. I don’t want to have a headache in the morning”?’ He took a sip of his own drink and finally clocked the scene I’d been staring at for the last few minutes. He lowered his glass and took it in.

  ‘What the fuck is this?’

  Pax was now dancing with Hannah. Or, at least, he was trying to make Hannah dance with him. Hannah, still grinning broadly, was shaking her head in embarrassment, while he moved her waist in time to the tinny reggae blaring from the speakers. She kept looking around her, but she didn’t stop him.

  ‘Who the fuck does this guy think he is?’ snapped Robin. ‘First he’s all over Stella and now he’s making a move on Hannah. For a bloke whose name means peace, he seems pretty keen on causing conflict.’

  I took a hefty swig of my gin and tonic. Anything to soothe my sandpaper-dry mouth.

  ‘They’re probably just friends,’ I murmured. It sounded even more stupid out loud. Pax pulled Hannah close and whispered something in her ear. She wriggled free. For the first time since she’d seen him, her smile faded slightly. She looked around her again. I wondered if she was looking for me, hidden behind the blur of bodies at the bar. She said something to Pax and then turned and started speaking to Stella.

  ‘Are you going to let him do that?’ Robin asked.

  I didn’t know what I was going to do. Did I even have any right do anything? Any girl in their right mind would have chosen Pax over me. I couldn’t really blame Hannah for that. I considered just slinking out and going back to my tent. It felt like the school common room all over again, watching Jo fiddling with Toby McCourt’s tie or messing with his hair and wanting so badly to go over and just whisk her away. But all I ever did was duck out into the corridor and stand there, feeling hot and confused, and furious at myself for doing nothing.

  Before I could make a decision, Hannah was squeezing through the crowd towards us.

  ‘Hey!’ She shot a grin at me and then Robin. ‘I wondered where you guys had got to.’

  ‘I just needed some water,’ I said.

  She wrinkled her brow, grabbed my gin and tonic off me and sniffed it.

  ‘You do know this isn’t water, right?’

  I took it back from her and downed nearly half the glass.

  ‘Yeah.’

  Robin broke the ensuing awkward silence by clearing his throat loudly.

  ‘Well … If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to find Ben and Chris.’ He pulled his phone out and tapped it. ‘Sam, give me a shout when you leave.’

  He gave me a grim smile, pushed his way into the crowd and disappeared.

  I finished my drink and dropped the plastic cup on the ground. My mouth felt drier than ever.

  ‘Is everything all right, Sam?’ Hannah asked.

  ‘Yeah, fine.’

  It came out too quickly, too defensively. I couldn’t look her in the eye, so I just focused on the mud beneath her feet. I wished my head would stop spinning, so I could think a little more clearly.

  ‘OK, well … Good.’ She laughed nervously.

  I wanted to step towards her and touch her. To feel close to her, to feel the same way I did when we were dancing together last night. But all I could think about was the way Pax had held her by the waist. He’d done it in front of everyone too. I felt the shame of it swelling inside me. The silence built until it was unbearable.

  ‘Look,’ said Hannah, ‘if you want to go and hang out with Robin and that lot, I don’t mind.’

  ‘Would you rather I did that?’ I directed my question at the mud, rather than at her.

  ‘Of course not! I want you to stay here!’ She sighed. ‘Sam, what’s going on? This feels weird.’

  I looked up at her.

  ‘Yeah, sorry. Listen …’ The words were off my tongue before I could yank them back. ‘Are you with that Pax bloke, or something?’ I tried to make it sound casual. I’m pretty sure I failed.

  Hannah exhaled a loud laugh. ‘Oh my god, no! Sam, literally … no. The only reason I know him is because he had a thing with Stella in Kavos.’ She touched my arm. ‘He’s just friendly. He was just pleased to see me, that’s all.’

  ‘Yeah, really pleased.’ It sounded more cutting than I had intended. ‘Sorry, it just looked like there might be something between you.’

  She coughed up another high-pitched, almost hysterical laugh. I hadn’t realized it, but she was clearly just as drunk as I was.

  ‘Sam … he’s with Stella. Or at least, he was with Stella.’

  Now it was her turn to stare down at the mud. I waited for her to say more, but nothing came.

  ‘Is there something between you and him?’

  ‘Sam. My … best … friend … fancies … him.’

  ‘Yeah, you keep saying that but that isn’t what I’m asking you.’ My cheeks were burning and I could hear my heartbeat in my head.

  She still wouldn’t meet my eye. ‘There’s nothing between us, OK?’

  ‘Do you fancy him?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Do you find him attractive?’

  The music seemed louder suddenly. I was shouting without even meaning to.

  ‘That’s totally irrelevant.’

  ‘It’s not totally irrelevant to me.’

  She shook her head and sighed. ‘Well, he is attractive. So, yes, I suppose I find him attractive. But I find lots of people attractive.’

  ‘Great.’ The throbbing in my temples was building steadily. ‘Has anything ever happened between you and him?’

  Her silence answered the question, but I asked it again anyway.

  ‘Has something happened between you and him?’

  She nodded slowly, still looking down at the floor. No wonder she hadn’t minded his hands all over her. She’d probably been waiting for this moment since she left Kavos.

  ‘So, wait … You fancy him, you’ve pulled him already and you’ve still got feelings for him?’

  ‘Sam, you make it sound awful. That’s not how it is at all.’

  ‘Well, the only reason I know it’s like that is because you just told me.’

  ‘No, I didn’t. Well, I kind of did but I didn’t mean it to come out like that.’

  ‘Well, I’m glad it did. I don’t want to stay here and make a complete dickhead of myself if it’s him you want and not me.’

  She grabbed my shoulder and looked me straight in the eye. ‘Sam, don’t be ridiculous! Of course I want you!’

  I shook her hand off. I needed to get out. ‘I’ll see you later. I’m going to find Robin.’

  ‘Sam!’

  I swayed towards the exit and the crowd swallowed me up.

  Hannah

  I just stood still and let everyone move around me for a while. Listening to snippets of conversations shouted over the noise. A random girl and her boyfriend asked me if I was OK and then Grace and Tilly were suddenly in front of me.

  ‘Are you all right?’ Grace shouted. ‘We’ve been looking for you everywhere. Where’s Sam?’

  I shook my head. ‘I don’t know. We had a fight. He thought Pax was hitting on me.’

  ‘What? Was Pax hitting on you?’ Tilly’s eyes met mine dea
d on.

  ‘No. Of course not.’

  But I thought about his mouth brushing against my ear and whispering, ‘It’s really, really good to see you. You look so fit.’

  ‘He was just being super-friendly like he always is. And Sam just … took it the wrong way.’

  I knew it wasn’t strictly the truth but I didn’t really know what kind of mess the truth would lead to.

  ‘What? That’s ridiculous. He is so out of order.’

  Tilly nodded in agreement. ‘He can’t get jealous when you talk to a guy your friend is getting with. That’s crazy.’

  I felt bad letting them think Sam was some controlling jealous psycho. But I didn’t know what else to do.

  ‘Yeah, but I feel like it might have looked a bit dodgy. I feel like I should try to find Sam and explain.’ I desperately wanted to see him. To be alone with him and make him understand how much I liked him.

  ‘OK, let’s find him then.’ Grace went into practical mode. ‘He probably went to the dance tent because that’s where Robin and that lot blatantly are.’

  Even walking short distances in mud that deep required serious fitness. We had been trudging along for about a minute when I stumbled out of my left welly and fell into the mud. Grace pulled me up but my legs were soaked.

  ‘Maybe we should give up and get a pancake.’ Tilly looked hopeful.

  ‘No, Tills, we have to find Sam,’ Grace said firmly. We trudged on slowly, arm in arm, supporting each other through the quagmire when suddenly Tilly dramatically jumped in front of me and put her face right up against mine. Her eyes were huge; she looked terrified.

  ‘Han, shut your eyes right now.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Hannah, let’s just go back to the Tea Party tent.’

  I leaned to the left so I could see past Tilly. On the other side of the field, right in the open air, with his hand down the back of her yellow hot pants, was Sam – getting off with Panda.

  For a second I couldn’t process it and I just kept staring. I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach.

  If we were in a reality TV show I would have launched over and grabbed Panda’s hair and got in an epic bitch fight with her. Or if I was a power woman with a Sex and the City career I could have coolly sauntered over, made a cutting comment and walked away. All I could feel was everyone looking at me. Waiting for me to react. But I didn’t know how. I felt Grace’s hand land softly on my arm as she led me away.

  ‘Let’s just go.’

  ‘Where’s Stella?’ My voice came out like I was half asleep. ‘We should tell her … you know … that … we’re …’ I trailed off.

  He was kissing her neck now. She was giggling.

  Grace stepped in front of me this time. ‘Don’t look. What’s the point? It’s just some posh bitch with a fucking stupid name.’

  When Grace swears it sounds ridiculous. I couldn’t help looking. He was only ten metres away. ‘Let’s go back and get Stella.’

  So we turned around and walked back. Except for the occasional ‘Fuck, this is horrible’, no one really spoke.

  We found her quite quickly. I knew from her wellies. The rest of her was obscured by Pax, as they stood kissing in the corner of the tent. He didn’t exactly waste much time. Tilly marched over and tapped her on the shoulder. I saw her untangle herself while Tilly explained what had happened. Pax looked almost upset, Stella looked militant. She left Pax and strode across the tent towards us.

  ‘I’m going to fucking kill that Panda bitch.’

  The thing is, when Stella says it, you know it could happen.

  ‘I want to leave, I want to leave now.’ Something in my voice stopped Stella in her tracks. She nodded and held my hand and we left.

  Pax said he’d walk us back to our tent. Maybe he thought Stella would commit a violent crime if she saw Panda. On the way I heard Stella telling him that she would just do whatever I wanted to and that she would be there for me whatever. Stella will always have my back. Whatever happens between us, when something hits us from the outside she will fight until the death. I love that about her.

  When we got back I expected the obligatory kiss on the cheek, but Pax gave me a proper hug and said, ‘Shit, Hannah, I hope you’re OK.’ If he felt any awkwardness about what had happened earlier, it didn’t show. I still couldn’t figure out if he was Mr Darcy or Mr Wickham. Maybe it was possible to be both?

  We all talked it through, over and over, and decided to sleep in one tent for solidarity. Lying in our sleeping bags eating the Haribo, we just repeated the same conversation.

  ‘I wish one of us had some battery so you could call your mum.’

  It was weird how Grace sensed I wanted to talk to Mum. Thinking about her and Dad was what started me crying.

  I wriggled further into the sleeping bag. Listening to my friends hate Sam was sort of comforting because it helped to drown out the thoughts in my head.

  ‘He’s a complete prick.’

  ‘And a psychopath.’

  ‘Definitely. Or maybe a sociopath. We did them in AS. He would probably have chopped you up and fed you to a tortoise.’

  Stella cut in. ‘Or an evil, whore-fucking twat who gets off on trying to break people’s hearts.’

  Hearing her say ‘trying’ made me know he had. Or maybe it was my fault for saying that horrible hurtful stuff about Pax. I kept replaying it in my mind but with me saying different things that made it better not worse. Everything was completely fucked.

  Everyone talked and talked until they dropped off to sleep. I lay in the quiet, listening to the rain and people walking back to their tents, and Grace talking in her sleep like she has done ever since Year 7.

  I just wanted to evaporate. To disappear. To just never have been there in the first place. I felt in my pocket for the Polaroid. I could smell the mud. It smelt like Sam.

  Sam

  It was a long journey back from the festival. I mean, obviously, it was the same distance as the journey to the festival, but it seemed a lot longer.

  Ben was passed out next to me in the back of the car. In fact, thinking about it, I have no memories of Ben being conscious for longer than about an hour during the entire weekend. Robin and Chris sat up front arguing about which route we should take to avoid traffic while I stared out of the window at the houses and trees flicking past.

  I would have told them to shut up but I was quite enjoying the distraction; their bickering gave me something to concentrate on besides the big fucking mess that was my life.

  Everything had been going so well. I should have known it couldn’t last. That’s the good thing about being a pessimist – if things go well, that’s great, and if things don’t go well, then at least you can say you predicted it.

  I always manage to cock everything up in one way or another. I definitely cocked up that French exam, which means I also cocked up my chances of getting into Cambridge. I literally cocked up my one actual opportunity to lose my virginity with Erin. If I didn’t find a way to cock up my work experience next week, it would be a miracle.

  Worst of all, though, I cocked everything up with Hannah.

  It really was like the common room all over again. I just walked out of the tent. I couldn’t deal with it any more. Of course she wanted Pax. Every girl in there wanted him. I kept thinking of him leaning into her, with his big stupid bronzed hands on her waist. And her just standing there, smiling back at him.

  I barged through the crowd, spilling about fifteen people’s drinks en-route. I’m surprised no one punched me.

  I felt drunker than ever. I needed to find Robin and Chris. I also needed to find a glass of water. I didn’t manage to find any of them.

  My phone was still dead, so I couldn’t call anyone. Once I was outside, I decided to head towards the dance tent. I was almost certain to find Robin or Ben, stoned and head-nodding in there. Chris could have been anywhere – and with anyone – by then.

  I’d only made a few stumbling steps when I saw a pair
of bright yellow hot pants lighting up the path in front of me.

  In the middle of the field, shaking her iPhone madly at the sky, was Panda. She spotted me and grinned. She stuffed her phone back into her bag and smoothed down the wispy, strawberry blonde hairs that had wriggled free from her topknot.

  ‘Hey, Sam! I was wondering when I’d run into you again. I’m having an absolute reception nightmare. I can’t find my mates and my phone’s not working.’

  I approached her, my feet feeling increasingly unsteady. ‘Me too. I’ve lost everyone and I’m totally out of battery.’

  She took her phone back out and starting waving it up at the stars again. ‘I’m trying to download this really cool app that’s supposed to help you get reception at a festival.’ She stopped waving and checked her phone. ‘But I can’t download it because I haven’t got any reception.’

  I nodded. ‘It’s catch-22.’

  She looked confused. ‘No, I think it’s called the Festival Reception App.’

  ‘Right. Sure.’

  I was just about to wish Panda good luck with her undownloadable download and carry on to the dance tent when I thought about Hannah and Pax and what they might be doing right now. That image of him leaning in to whisper in her ear stopped me in my tracks.

  I was fed up with letting the Paxes and Toby McCourts of this world have all the fun. Why should I spend my life ducking out of common rooms and festival tents while they got exactly what they wanted? What about what I wanted?

  Instinctively, I lurched forward and put my hands on Panda’s hot-panted waist.

  Panda stopped waving her phone about and looked at me. A smile spread slowly across her face.

  ‘Hello, Mister!’ she laughed. ‘You’re a little bit forward tonight, aren’t you?’

  I took a deep breath and leaned into her, just like Pax had leaned into Hannah. She giggled.

  ‘So, you pull me two days ago and then just expect to be able to pull me again whenever you like, is that it?’

  I nodded. Her smile widened. She put her hands on my waist. It felt good. Well, not good, but … better. This was what I’d been missing out on all my life. This was why the world was ruled by Paxes and Tobys; they saw what they wanted and they took it.