I know that most of the furnishings are in storage, but I can't quite shake the feeling that the place has been robbed, violated somehow. Through the bay window in the living room, I can see the front yard and the unassuming "Sale-pending" sign that has taken up temporary residence there.
I'm so numb that I don't feel any pain when I fall to my knees. A dry sob rises in my throat and stays there, no relief for the choking ache it brings. Even in death, I have failed them. My mask of perfection never fooled them: they knew there was darkness underneath even if they didn't know the extent.
The grief that floods me is infinite and complete. No matter how many times someone tries to convince me that they're looking down from some invisible heaven and that they'll always be proud of me no matter what, I'll never believe that they aren't lost forever. Dust and dirt in two matching boxes. They'll never know who I become, they'll only know the disappointment I brought them.
The kind of cold that you only find in empty houses radiate up through the floor and into my bones. I feel like I'm on a precipice: I can let this loss dictate my actions and ultimately define me, or I can grieve and be done with it. I'll always love and remember them, but if I want to move forward I need to let them go.
I choose the latter, slowly rising from the floor. I feel weaker, physically and emotionally, than I've ever felt before, but I manage to make my body move. I take one last look around my old home, walking the paths to each room with a new awareness. As I do, I say my silent goodbyes and allow myself to feel every singular moment of finality. This is no longer my home; this is no longer my life.
I had thought that this was something I already accepted months ago, standing in my old bedroom, dressed in my old clothes, but I've been carrying it with me like a black cloud on a string. There's only so long you can stay numb, only so long you can swallow the ache of grief. The only cure is to feel it all.
I expect the rooms to feel desolate, haunted, but they don't feel any different, just empty. The floors groan softly under my feet as I wander. Whatever last piece of them I'm hoping to feel isn't here. There are no ghosts; they're really gone.
I don't linger long. When I shut the heavy oak door behind me, I feel a twinge of relief. Finally, I'm giving myself permission to let go. I hadn't even realized how tightly I've been holding on.
The wind brushes softly over my skin in slow, warm strokes. My feet lead the way down the quiet street lined with neat lawns, each a prelude to the uniform houses that speak of luxury and accomplishment. It's the neighborhood my parents chose out of practicality, one I never quite felt at home in. Not that I feel more at home in a spotless, ageless, mansion. Rather, I feel at ease with the wild, unchecked energy that hums just below the surface everywhere in Price.
Even if the locals don't notice it, even if they're so used to it that they're numb to its presence, it's there. Just as it's there in the air and the earth, it's in me. Miles away I can still feel it, my connection to that place not at all weakened by the distance. Price is the epicenter of everything and nothing. I close my eyes and see the pulsing, warm light radiating off a purple rock submerged in a black lake. A shudder ripples through me.
I slow as I near the destination that my subconscious has chosen. Tall black iron gates rise before me, wide open and waiting. Forest Garden Cemetery proper sits far back in the woods at the end of a long paved drive, making it seem more like a gated community than a graveyard.
I'd like to say that an unearthly silence descends on me when I pass through the gates, but that doesn't happen. In fact, it feels no different on one side than it does on the other.
The path isn't as long as I want it to be, because soon the trees begin to thin out and polished headstones begin to dot the landscape. Whatever clouds were still lingering dissipate completely leaving only a milky blue sky and warm sunlight.
I step carefully among the headstones, trying not to read the names and dates as I pass. When I reach the plot that my parents share I'm not surprised to find Lex casually standing nearby, waiting for me.
"How did you know?" I ask as I kneel in the grass in front of their shared headstone.
"When the wind speaks Evan, I listen." Lex drops to his knees beside me.
We don't say anything else for a long time. I take in the etched face of the stone: the carefully chosen words, the dates too close together, but I feel little. They aren't here, that much I can tell, and I take comfort in the fact. With all that I've felt and experienced in the last few months, I'm hopeful that their souls, or whatever, have really gone on to someplace better; heaven or Valhalla, it doesn't matter what the name is, so long as they're safe and maybe happy even if I'm not with them.
"I don't know how I ended up here," I say quietly, looking at Lex. "One second I'm arguing with my Aunt, the next second I'm standing in the living room in the house where I grew up."
"I'm assuming no hallucinogens were involved this time?" Lex's tone is playful but I can see the seriousness in his face.
"No, not this time," I answer softly.
Lex puts his arm around my shoulders and gently pulls me toward him. "I've been looking into it, and I'm afraid I don't have any clear answers..."
"I know," I say pulling out of his embrace and standing up, "and that's okay. It's not your job to figure this out. It's mine."
Lex rises slowly from the ground and turns to me. There's pain and confusion in his eyes. "Evan..."
I shake my head and look away from him. "Lex. We need to talk."
Lex takes my hand. I let him lead me back through the headstones and down the paved drive. Once we're out of the cemetery we find a nearby bench and sit down. Dark clouds roll through the sky once again and blot out the sun. I shiver, but Lex smiles.
"I take it it's bad news," he says evenly.
"What do you mean?"
Lex raises his eyebrows slightly. "You're not good at playing stupid, Evan. Clearly you have something to say and I'm not going to like it. It's written all over your beautiful face."
I press my lips together, embarrassed. I've always been good at keeping true feelings hidden; now they're apparently on display for anyone paying attention.
I shake my head. "Not exactly bad news, no, but it's still difficult for me to say."
I turn so that I'm facing him fully. His expression is placid, but I can see the subtly growing darkness in his already dark eyes, his own, less obvious, giveaway.
"You must know how I feel about you," I say my voice full of pleading.
The darkness in his eyes lightens minutely and he smiles. Lex clears his throat and looks away. "I do recall a spontaneous hotel room confession."
I can't help but laugh, remembering. I've been dreading the moment when we would have to discuss what happened, but it doesn't feel as cringe-worthy as I imagined. The truth is, in such a short amount of time, Lex and I have connected on a level so deep I couldn't make sense of it if I tried, so I don't. Instead, I feel it with every inch of my being.
"I meant what I said, even if I don't know why I feel it. And that's why I need to do this." My words break and I tremble almost violently.
Lex looks back at me and nods as if encouraging me to go on, as if he knows what I'm about to say and he wants me to say it. I can tell that he wants to touch me, to comfort me, but he balls hands in fists in his lap and stops himself. I'm thankful, because if he touched me it would only make it that much harder.
"I think we need to take a break. I know we're not, like, officially dating or anything, but whatever is going on between us...I need to put the brakes on. There's so much I don't know and so much I need figure out, I can't afford any distractions. I feel like I have some greater responsibility and I owe it to myself to figure out what that is."
The words spill out of me, leaving me breathless. I'm terrified that I've ruined whatever chance I have with Lex, but I know in my heart that this is the right thing to do. For too long, I've been consumed by an unidentifiable misery, but the second I opened that box
and saw the necklace my mother left me, I began to feel the melancholy start to ebb, slowly, but distinctly.
Even so, I've been letting my old bad habits and selfish behavior seep through, making me act irrationally. Luckily, Lex is the kind of guy that would give me his shirt and insist I go to sleep instead of taking advantage of me when I'm drunk and almost naked. But I've become too reliant on him always being there, even when he's thousands of miles away. If I know he was always going to take care of me, fix my problems, find my answers, I'll never fully realize my potential, never fully fulfill my responsibilities, whatever they are.
I don't realize how badly I'm still trembling until Lex gently takes my hands, stilling them. Our eyes meet and all of my doubts fall away. His expression is full of love and something else: respect. My heart almost bursts with happiness, but I suppress the feeling.
"Evan," Lex says finally causing my body to tense and my heart to skip a beat, "I couldn't agree more."
"What?" I can't contain the surprise in my voice. Have I misread everything that's been happening between us? I had expected him to argue with me, at least a little. I have to press my lips together to keep from retracting everything I just said; my previous certainty has already thinned considerably.
"Look at me," he whispers resting his hand softly on my face, turning my head so that I have no choice but to look into his eyes. Shame pools in my stomach as I feel the tears begin to fall.
"No, no, none of that." Lex kisses my face, his lips brushing away each tear. "I can't promise to tear myself away from you completely, but I give you my vow that I will stand by you and help you without interfering, without distracting you. We both have a responsibility to see this through, and I can tell you with certainty that there is something to see through."
His hand drops to his lap, leaving a cold spot on my cheek where it had been. His words cut through the haze of grief that was slowly descending on me as the realization of what I've done settled over me. Suddenly, that's no longer important.
"What are you saying? Lex, please? You have to tell me what's going on, if you know," I plead a new determination in my voice.
"Evan," Lex pleads, his face and body tense, his frustration apparent, "I wish it were that easy..."
"It's not?" I demand, cutting him off. "I should hope that, at least from you, I could get some straight answers. Even when no one is speaking, I feel like I'm being lied to. Tell me I'm not crazy."
Lex shakes his head and lets out a low, frustrated growl. "No, you're not crazy. And I want more than anything to tell you everything you want to, need to, know. But there are rules, laws, that prevent me from speaking about certain things."
Lex stands suddenly and begins to rake his hand through his hair as he paces back and forth. It's the first time I've seen his cool demeanor disappear completely and it takes a lot of self-control not to pull him into my arms and offer him comfort. Instead, I stay put and work to keep the anxiety out of my voice when I speak. "What can you tell me then? There must be something."
Lex stops pacing and fixes his gaze on some invisible point on the horizon. I'm beginning to think he's really not going to say anything at all, when he finally speaks.
"What I can tell you, is that I will never lie to you," he says in a firm and unyielding voice.
I barely blink and suddenly he's on his knees at my feet. His hands clutch mine as his dark eyes search my face. His own face is awash with honesty and vulnerability. The undeniable connection that we have flows freely between us. I'm about to say screw it and beg him to run away with me and leave this whole mess behind, when the sound of a cell phone vibrating cuts into the moment and shatters the intensity between us.
"Sorry," Lex mutters sheepishly. He pulls his cell phone from a pocket inside his jacket and answers the call. He turns away from me as he listens to the voice on the other end. After barely thirty seconds of muttered replies, Lex turns back to face me. Before he can say anything, I stand.
"I know," I sigh. "We have to get back. Where are you parked?" I ask glancing around.
Lex looks at me long and hard, his eyes full of the words I know he that won't say. "Come on then," he says finally, giving me one last look before turning and walking away.
Chapter Twenty
The drive back to Price is filled with unnerving silence. It's as if the natural connection that first brought us together, the one I swear I felt less than an hour before, has somehow severed. I can't think of anything to say that wouldn't lead to me trying to take back everything I had said earlier. Absently, I reach for my necklace, stopping halfway when I remember that it's gone. Another thing missing.
We're about an hour away from Price, still, when the loaded silence finally gets to me. I start to say something, but am once again interrupted by the insistent vibrations of Lex's phone. He glances at me with apology in his eyes before pulling over at the nearest gas station.
"I'll just be a minute," he says, and then hops out of the car leaving me alone.
I let out the sigh I've been holding in since we left the cemetery. The image of my parents' gravestone fills my mind and I push it away as quickly as it came. I refuse to let myself dwell on the subject any longer, no matter how cold it sounds and how wrong it feels. Instead, I flip down the visor and check my reflection. Despite looking a little wide-eyed and windblown, I look fine. In fact, I look better than I can ever remember looking before. There's something not quite right about it though, something unnatural.
Before I can contemplate the change any further, a flash in the mirror distracts me. Someone had passed behind the car a little too close for comfort. My body tenses and I'm instantly on my guard. Whoever it was keeps going though, and I relax a little as I watch a girl with shoulder-length bleach-blonde hair make her way toward a sleek black SUV that's parked on the curb. She reaches for the passenger door handle and pulls it open. Before climbing inside she hesitates, glances over her shoulder, and looks in my direction. My heart nearly stops when I see who it is.
"Jessie!" I yell.
For some reason the idea of her getting in that car makes me frantic. I pull at the door handle, yelling her name again, but the door won't budge even though it's unlocked. I desperately search my mind for a solution, but I'm too slow. Jessie hops into the SUV. Before the door is even fully closed the car speeds off.
A slow, heavy dread unravels in my stomach as I helplessly watch her leave. My cellphone is still in Price so I can't even call her. On the edge of the dread is guilt. I've been avoiding her calls all this time, blaming her for my own bad choices. I have no rational or logical reason to believe that she's in any danger at all, but I can feel deep in my soul that I've somehow lost her.
The driver's side door opens, yanking me from my thoughts. Lex slides in to the seat, slams the door shut, and starts the car. "Sorry about that, it was just Anders..."
"I just saw Jessie," I blurt.
Lex doesn't say anything for a second. "Who?" he finally asks.
My heart sinks as the fact that Lex and I know almost nothing about each other becomes clear. I sigh and lean back in my seat. "Nevermind. Who was on the phone?" I ask.
Lex bites his bottom lip and starts to say something but stops short. He shakes his head dismissing whatever thought he can't share with me. "Just Anders. He wanted to make sure we were still on our way back."
I raise an eyebrow. "Does he have reason to believe we aren't?"
"No. He's just sort of paranoid. Especially when it comes to..." he trails off.
"What?"
It's his turn to sigh. "When it comes to you, Evan."
"Oh," is all I can manage.
Lex doesn't say anything as he puts on his seatbelt and pulls out of the gas station. I stare out of the window for a couple of miles before something occurs to me. "I've been meaning to ask you about Anders."
"Yeah?" Lex responds, his voice thick with apprehension.
I'm a little taken aback by his attitude, but I choose to ignore it. "Yeah. We
ll, the other day, when we were supposed to be picking up my assistant..."
"Supposed to be?" Lex snaps, glancing at me before putting his concentration back on the road, tension radiating off his body.
"Yeah," I snap back, with just as much attitude, "supposed to be, because she somehow managed to disappear at the airport, remember?"
"Yes, I do," Lex says in a hard, ungentle voice that he's never used with me before.
"Okay," I say with a huff. He's pissed about something but it's not going to stop me from getting answers. "Where was I?" I say mostly to myself as I try to collect my thoughts. "Wait, let me back up. The last few weeks, when you were gone, Anders got assigned Evan duty, so he's been carting me around and keeping an eye on me. And I get that it must be annoying, because it has been for me, but he seems to really resent it. Like, he has some sort of personal problem with me."
Lex snorts, but he doesn't say anything. I don't get why, but all of the sudden he's being such a.... jerk. I recall how many times he told me he's not "noble," as if he was hinting at some darker, badass side, but this isn't what I imagined.
"Go on," he says when I don't continue.
I let out a frustrated breath and turn so I can face him as fully as my seatbelt allows. "What is your problem? I thought you understood why I can't be with you right now, that you would be there for me no matter what? Because right now you're acting like I did something wrong and offended you somehow."
Lex's shoulders slump and I can see his expression soften. "Evan, I apologize. It's not you."
He pulls onto the shoulder and cuts the engine. Even though we're stopped he's still gripping the steering wheel. "Anders and I go way back," he begins, a distinct edge still in his voice. "We used to be, well, I guess you could say we used to be best friends, as childish as that sounds." He turns and gives me a halfhearted grin.
My eyebrows shoot up toward my hairline but I keep my mouth shut.
Lex scratches his head and considers his words for a moment. "Things happened between us, and all I can say is that I have a very low opinion of him. The only reason I even allow, and yes I do have that kind of authority, that I allow him to be responsible for you when I'm not there, is because I know for a fact that he would never let anything happen to you, that he would die first."
Evan Elemental (The Evan Elemental Series) Page 17