Hitting That Sweet Spot

by Lara Ward Cosio

  Stuff. That’s the way she was summing up and dismissing their reunion.

  “This is too much,” she continued. “I don’t want to go on TV to tell the world that my boyfriend—the one that I technically cheated on with you—is the one who gave me the bruise. I don’t want to expose my life like that. I never wanted all this attention, all the, the—notoriety that goes with the band. I thought you weren’t like the rest of them.”

  “Like the rest of them?” He felt cold, his body bracing for what was to come.

  “Gavin and Conor, with their women and drugs scandals. And all of it in the press.”

  “Jess, you’re talking about my friends,” he said carefully. He willed her to stop, to retrace her steps. But he could see she was beyond that. Her phone call with her parents might have started her down this path. But seeing Danny Boy suddenly here was pushing her along.

  “And Danny Boy,” she continued as though she hadn’t heard the warning in his voice. “What is he doing here? And why is he calling me—me—a troublemaker?” She didn’t wait for an answer. “No. I can’t do this. I can’t lose everything I’ve worked for. I invested forty-thousand dollars in this ballet school. I can’t—”

  “Forty-thousand dollars? Jesus, where did that come from?” He couldn’t help but ask. It wasn’t the point. But maybe the distraction of asking was the point. So he could delay her from where he knew she was going with this rant.

  “It’s the money I earned from working for you.”

  “You never worked for me. You worked for Rogue.” Was this yet another issue she had that he hadn’t realized? What more?

  “Same difference.”

  “No—”

  “Shay, please stop.”

  He did as she asked and watched her. She was slipping through his fingers before his eyes. And it was worse now than when she left him the first time. Because he had given her everything he had this time. And she was telling him it wasn’t enough. He wasn’t enough.

  “I’m sorry,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. “This is too much for me.”

  Before she could explain what she meant, he thought he knew the answer. To someone normal like her, someone with a loving, stable family, his story must have been repulsive. She must have worried about what she was getting into with him, what kind of defects he might bring to their relationship, and even what kind of father he might make. This was why he never told anyone these things.

  “Did I scare you with what I told you last night of how I grew up?” The question was out of his mouth before he could stop himself, and he regretted it all the more when she saw her mournful look of pity.

  “No, babe. No, it has nothing to do with that. I swear—”

  “Never mind. Forget I asked. Forget I told you anything about all that, will you?” He tried to laugh, to pretend that none of it mattered. Swallowing hard, he looked out at the wide expanse of the Bay. The blue water was glittering under the sun and he thought of the view from their hotel room in Casablanca. Jessica’s joy had been so pure when she looked out to see the bright sea contrasting with the dusty city. Being able to make her happy that way felt like nothing more than a dream now. “We’ll get security to get you out in that laundry van, will we?”

  “Shay, please,” she said. She reached for him, cupping his face in her hands for a moment before he could pull away.

  “You’re grand. No worries, okay?” he said. He scrambled to recover his ability to bury his emotions. How many times would he have to be burned before finally learning that allowing yourself to feel was a bad idea? His escape from feeling his parents’ lack of warmth and connection was to become numb. Danny Boy’s was heroin. They would both suffer for their methods in the long run, but at this moment Shay needed to use it to insulate himself from this pain. “Listen, I understand. I wish you nothing but the best. You know that. I told you the same the last time you realized this wasn’t for you, didn’t I?” He tried hard to smile but knew it was a pitiful attempt.

  Just as he was starting to turn away, she threw her arms around his neck and clung to him. “I’m so sorry,” she said.

  “Don’t be,” he said quickly. It came out dismissive. As much as he wanted to hide his emotions, he decided to be honest with her one last time. “You have been the brightest, warmest part of my whole life. Truly. Thank you for that.” He kissed her on the temple and felt her body trembling as she let out a sob. “I’ll have Felicity work things out. But I can’t stay right now.”

  He had to forcibly pull away from her because she was now holding onto him tightly. If she was so sure she couldn’t do this with him again, why was she so reluctant to release him? He walked out of the bedroom, bewildered and shattered.

  CHAPTER SIXTY-FOUR

  There was no mistaking that something was terribly wrong when Shay opened the bedroom door and went straight to Felicity. Conor watched him speaking to her in a low, matter-of-fact manner, his face a barely contained mask of impassivity. Shay was trying to hold himself together and close to losing the battle.

  “Wait, where will you go?” Felicity asked Shay as he headed toward the door.

  When Shay didn’t answer, Felicity met Conor’s eyes. With a slight nod of her head, Conor knew she was asking him to go after Shay. He would have done so without her asking.

  “Aye, wait up,” Danny Boy said and followed behind Conor.

  In the hallway they were faced with security guards and Shay froze.

  “Come to my room,” Conor said. He clapped Shay on the back as he went by.

  Conor’s room had similar views of the Bay Bridge but was smaller, less apartment-like.

  “What’s going on?” Danny Boy asked. “What are we doing here?”

  Shay shook his head and stared out the floor to ceiling windows.

  “Well, kid? What’s the story?”

  “Fuck’s sake, Danny Boy. Can’t you see he doesn’t want to talk? Give him a minute,” Conor said.

  “Geesh, at least give us a hint,” Danny Boy said.

  Shay turned to his brother. “She fucking broke up with me, okay? We were back together for all of a day before my circus of a life was too much for her and she wanted out again, thank you very much.”

  “Thank you very much?” Danny Boy repeated, miffed. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “It means, brother, that you have once again fucked up my life. If you’re not scaring off my girl, you’re threatening my place in the band.”

  “That’s not true. I don’t have anything to do with your issues, Shay. You need to own them.”

  “Own them,” Shay repeated with a weary laugh. He covered his face with his good hand for a long moment. When he dropped it, he looked exhausted. “Yes, you’re right. It’s not your fault. I won’t blame you for what Jessica couldn’t handle about me.”

  “What’s this? Letting her walk away all over again?” Danny Boy asked with wonder. “Thought you came here to win her back?”

  “Just—don’t.”

  Conor wasn’t sure what to say or do. He and Shay had never had the kind of relationship where they talked about deeply personal things like this. It wasn’t that they weren’t close—in their own way, they were—it was just that if Shay were to ever turn to anyone it would be Gavin.

  Shay had always been the quiet, introverted friend of their group as kids. Because of Gavin, he’d been included with them but if he hadn’t been, Conor wasn’t sure they would be friends. Conor had his own loner tendencies, but they were born out of a different instinct than Shay’s. He liked himself, enjoyed his own company. Whereas with Shay, it had always been obvious that he retreated out of a belief that no one really cared for his input anyway. It had taken years for Shay to shake off that attitude and accept his place as an equal part of the band. Now, he could freely offer his opinion on not only their music but any other subject they got into as friends. But yet, there was still a vibe about him that made it clear he would only share so much.

  “Come on,
kid. Don’t let’s lose hope, yeah?” Danny Boy continued before Conor could figure out how he could contribute.

  “Thanks, man, but it’s over,” Shay said. He took a deep breath and let it out.

  “Then fuck it. How about a beer?” Danny Boy asked, helping himself to the mini refrigerator.

  “Sure. And whatever else is in there, too.”

  The three men lounged in the room, drinking and talking about nothing of importance for close to two hours. That’s when they had depleted the mini bar. They called for more booze from room service after that.

  “So, what was it that bothered Jessica?” Conor asked tentatively when they each had a refill.

  Shay shook his head. “You, actually.”

  “Me?”

  “And Gav. And you,” he said, pointing a finger at his brother. But there was no animosity in it. He was well buzzed and just letting out his frustrations.

  “But she never even gave me a chance!” Danny Boy said. “As soon as I showed up, she took off.”

  “Nah, it’s really that she’s just not one for drama. It’s hard for her to be in this scene. She’s got this new gig with a ballet school. You should see the way her eyes light up when she talks about ‘her’ kids. It took her a while to get to where she wanted to be. Doing our graphics wasn’t it. Being in Dublin wasn’t it. Being with me was good until she realized all the media that came with it.”

  Conor wasn’t sure that was a valid enough reason to leave someone you loved. “But this came about so quick. I saw the way she looked at you when you came out of the bedroom this morning. She loves you, man.”

  Shay thought about that for a long moment. Finally, he leaned back in his chair and said, “I don’t even really know what happened, to be honest.” He was silent for a long moment before laughing. “Jesus, Danny Boy, I told her everything last night.”

  There was more weight to that simple statement than Conor understood, as Danny Boy seemed to get a deeper meaning. He asked, “Everything?”

  “Yeah. All about almost being taken into care, and how our ‘loser’ parents, as you call them, would lock me in our room all day until you got home from school. The whole works. I’ve never told anyone that shite. Now look what it got me.”

  Conor was appalled by this revelation. He knew Shay’s parents had been disconnected and wholly inadequate caretakers, but he hadn’t had any idea the extent of things. It made him furious that this is what his friend had endured. No child should be raised that way.

  “I learned the hard way not to say anything, too,” Danny Boy said. “It’ll be okay, kid.”

  When Shay looked at his brother, Conor saw something pass between them. He got the sense that this exact phrase of reassurance had been used many times over the years. And he could see more clearly than ever the ties that bound these two together. They were unbreakable, and Conor had no desire to interfere with that.

  “Fuck, I’m tired,” Shay said with a yawn. “I just want to sleep for days.”

  “What can I do, Shay?” Conor asked.

  “Oh, em, maybe if you could check with Felicity to see if my room’s clear? I think I’ll stay another night and then head home tomorrow.”

  “Okay, I’ll do that.”

  Conor stepped to the far side of the room and dialed Felicity on his cell phone.

  “I’m glad you called,” she said by way of answer.

  “Yeah? Why’s that?”

  “Turns out the gang’s—almost—all here.”

  “What’s that mean?”

  “Gavin came in about an hour after you guys left, just as security was finally ready to get Jessica out of here. But he’s had Jessica and me holed up all this time. You guys need to come back. We have a plan.”

  CHAPTER SIXTY-FIVE

  Hearing that Gavin had left his newborn daughter and wife to come all the way to San Francisco disoriented Shay. Being halfway drunk didn’t help. As much as he appreciated the grand gesture, what was Gavin doing here? Conor didn’t have any answers, so they all went back to Shay’s room to see what was going on.

  But before he could even acknowledge Gavin’s presence, he saw that Jessica was still there. He stopped short and looked away, hoping his surprise and subsequent anguish at seeing her wasn’t as naked on his face as it felt.

  “Seamus,” Gavin said in greeting. He got up from the dining table and went to Shay, giving him a hug. It wasn’t the usual macho sort, of keeping the hips a safe distance from the other man’s and bestowing hard slaps on the back. It was a real hug.

  “What are you doing here?” Shay asked, pulling away.

  “I couldn’t stay away. I had to come to see if I could be of any help,” Gavin said with a grin.

  “And he has, hasn’t he, Jessica?” Felicity said.

  Shay didn’t want to, but he had to look at Jessica now. He had to figure out what the woman who had just hours before split his heart in two was still doing here. Her eyes were red and brimming with tears. She looked how he felt—devastated. It took all his willpower not to rush to her and try to soothe her with his embrace.

  But before he could register what was happening, it was she who went to him and put her arms around him.

  “Jess, what—”

  “I’m sorry, babe. I’m so sorry. I was scared and I didn’t mean it. I don’t mean it. I don’t want to be without you,” she told him, her words tumbling out quickly.

  This didn’t make any sense. Shay couldn’t swing from one extreme to the other like this. He pulled away from her and took a step back.

  “Shay,” she said softly. “Listen, okay?”

  “Em, I don’t understand what is going on here,” he said. He looked around the room. Gavin was standing near the sitting area. Conor and Danny Boy were still near the door. And Felicity was at the dining table, pretending to focus on her laptop.

  “I freaked out before, I—”

  “You said it was too much. You wanted out. Again,” Shay said, finding his anger.

  “I know. I know how much I hurt you, babe. And I’m so—”

  “Hang on.” He glanced around at their audience once more, ready to either ask them to leave or move her with him to the bedroom again. But then he realized they all were already aware of so much that he needn’t bother. She certainly didn’t mind. “Never mind. Go on,” he told her.

  “It’s just . . . when I was talking to my parents, I turned on my phone just to see what messages I had. But Anton called right then. He was furious. Not so much about me being with you as with the bad publicity it was generating. He said it was reflecting on him and the school. He said some of the kids’ parents had pulled them from the program and we’d lost a ton of tuition. He said the others were left expecting me when I never showed, and I felt like I’d let them down. I felt like I had failed them because I got too caught up in us. It felt horrible.”

  “Yes, this is what you told me—well, except for the part about talking to that Anton arsehole.”

  “But,” she continued, undaunted, “then he said that if I didn’t come back and act like everything was fine to right the business, he’d sue me. He said that he’d sue you and Rogue, too. But he also made it clear that he would concoct a story about how you had been abusive with me when we were together before. He’d say that’s why I left and returned to him. It was horrible on so many levels. And I just couldn’t deal with that. All I could feel was fear and panic. I could have died when I saw how I hurt you. But in that second, I thought it was the only choice I had. I just never thought you’d think it was connected to what you told me last night.”

  Shay closed his eyes and rubbed the back of his head. He couldn’t absorb all this.

  “Look at that, kid,” Danny Boy said, “she’s one of us. Bringing her own drama to the party, isn’t she?”

  “Danny Boy,” Felicity said curtly and he held up his hands defensively as he shut up.

  “So, you’re telling me you’ve been blackmailed into leaving me?” Shay asked. “That’s wh
at that was?”

  “Well, sort of, I guess. I mean, I just wanted all of this chaos to go away. I didn’t know what else to do.”

  “So? What’s changed?”

  Her chin trembled at his cold tone, but she kept her eyes dry. “Babe, as soon as you asked if it was because of last night, I realized what a huge mistake it was. That I was making the wrong choices.”

  “No, what you felt was pity for me. And you know I don’t want that.”

  She reached for him and he stepped away. “I was not pitying you. My heart was breaking with the idea that you’d ever worry what you told me would make me think any less of you. That would never happen.”

  His rational mind knew this to be true. But his inner core was still at the mercy of all those years of being conditioned to disbelieve he could ever really be cared for.

  When she took a step closer to him, he instinctively started to move backward. But she grabbed his hand and he stopped. He let her lean close to him as she put her mouth to his ear.

  “I see you, Shay,” she said softly. “I’ve always seen you. And I love you, babe. Forgive me. Please?”

  Those words. She was using the same words she had when they were in Morocco, reaffirming the connection they had made then, telling him it was real and could be trusted. And as much as his upbringing told him to reject this as not possibly being true, he wanted to believe it. He did believe it.

  Wrapping his arm around her slim waist, he pulled her to him, squeezing her tightly as he rested his cheek against her temple and closed his eyes. He felt a breath of relief leave her as she held him in return.

  CHAPTER SIXTY-SIX

  The first part of the plan Gavin orchestrated was to suggest calling in all favors he, Felicity, and James had with media contacts to flood the web with stories depicting Shay and Jessica’s relationship before they broke up. They had been too private about it previously, Gavin said, and that left a void in which these dark accusations of abuse could now take hold.