“What do you mean, ex?” Kate asked.
“Exactly what I said, we’re not friends anymore, you’ll know the whole story soon enough. Anyway, I knew a guy at school, his name was John. I helped him out every now and again when he couldn’t understand his homework, yada, yada, yada, I get the reputation as the smartest guy in class and people start to turn to me for help. I keep helping John and badda, bing, badda, boom, we eventually started to hang out. He was the exact opposite of me and deep down I knew things would end badly but I chalked it up to paranoia and went along with it. Anyway, he was tall, athletic, chiselled, played water polo and was popular with the chicks at school. Anyway, one day we go out, and with us is this girl named Sal, bit of a strange name but whatever, she seemed nice, and along with Sal is her friend; the friend was Ray. As the night passes, Ray and I hit it off, we liked the same music, movies, hell she even laughed at all my shitty jokes. She didn’t know what a GameCube was, so that was a bit of a bummer but whatever, I thought she was cool. Anyway, time flies by and by some godly miracle, I find myself on a date, things were looking good and I wanted them to go on. She eventually officially became my girlfriend, I had severe self-esteem issues during my relationship, hell, I still do, but she’d always go on about how great I was. She’d reassure me that my hobbies were interesting and that I was a good writer and that my writing was what made her fall in love with me, so I got my reassurance and approval from her. Mostly when she told me she loved me.” He scoffed, “As if that was a good idea. Anyway, the story of the young and dumb romantic continues. Time flies by and things are looking serious, at least as serious as a fifteen-year-old can get. I met her parents, and I considered myself in love, I was absolutely smitten, and it sounds so fucking stupid saying it, but I was. More time flies by, and I start to notice small things begin to change, sometimes she wouldn’t pick up calls or wouldn’t respond to messages, she’d make up excuses whenever I asked her to hang out, her almost always empty schedule was almost always full now, and during the little time we did spend together, all I heard from her is ‘Why can’t you do X like John?’, and ‘John is so much better at X’, or ‘John is so good at X’ and before I knew it, all she ever did on those dates was compare me to John and make me feel inferior. So one night, I’m bummed out as all-hell and I decide to go for a walk near my local park. And that’s where I see her with John, it was a stupid move, why cheat almost next to your boyfriend’s house? As I saw her tongue dance with John’s , I was furious, I was blinded, I wanted to punch someone, either him or her, but I knew I’d get my ass beat, and as I stood there motionless, clenching a fist and with John standing right in my face, she told me from the safety of his back that she found the relationship boring, I couldn’t keep it interesting because I wasn’t, unlike John, I couldn’t keep an interesting conversation because my hobbies were dull, unlike John’s, and that I wasn’t funny anymore, unlike John. And that’s when I realised everything she had said in the past months had been lies. So I sunk my head in shame and made my way back home. I realised I wasn’t interesting or funny, I had nothing going for me at all. The only men who get anything in this world are guys like John; they’re the ones who earn the right to be happy and appreciated. And so that was the day I realised that I’m an unlovable, fucking loser.”
“I’m sorry,” said Kate, empathetic to his sorrows.
“For what? It’s not like you did anything, you don’t have to apologise.” Kraig smiled at her, she wondered why he always tried to force a smile as if to try to convince his friends that he was alright even though he felt like the world was crumbling around him, but she could always tell when he forced it, whether he knew it or not, there was something in his smile that begged for help; a cry for help as he waited for someone to come along and fix him. She’d seen his proper smile before and this wasn’t it.
“Why do you do that?”
“Do what?” asked Kraig.
“Why do you always smile whenever you clearly feel sad? It’s not going to fool us, you know. We can tell when you force it.” Ultimately, Kate said these things in the heat of the moment and didn’t really think them through all that much but she would have said them anyway, she wanted to help the poor, broken boy in front of her and a good way to start was by being plain and truthful.
“It’s not meant to fool anyone but myself,” said Kraig. Kate raised an eyebrow. “It helps me convince myself I’m fine, I read somewhere that it helps. So fuck it, might as well try.” Kraig took a deep breath and went to open his bedside drawer and pulled out a small, clear blue pillbox with two compartments, each one holding a white, round pill and an elongated tube like one. He put the box on the desk, “See here, this is the real fucking kicker I forgot to mention.” There was anger in his voice but it wasn’t directed at her, she knew. She knew that it was directed at a phantom of the past: at Ray.
“Only a few people know about this but fuck it, I trust you enough to tell you, I trusted her enough to tell her about my problems, I didn’t tell anyone out of fear that I would be judged so I tried my best to keep it hidden and I told her about it because I trusted her and I would get paranoid from time to time and she’d say it’s only paranoia, and then she goes and does the thing I was fucking paranoid about. Do you have any fucking idea how much that broke me? I told her about my issues, my insecurities and she used them to put me at ease to stop my suspensions, while she happily sucked John off. And I’m an even bigger piece of shit than her, because after all the shit she put me through, I still want her back because I remember all the little things about her; her favourite bands, food, colour, her little birthmark on her neck, the way she smiled when she got ice cream on her nose… I hate myself, I hate myself for it and every day is just a fucking spiral of self-hatred and sadness and I hate it, I FUCKING HATE IT.”
Kate put a hand on the sobbing boy’s shoulder as his voice slowly died out and was replaced by weeping.
“Look, I know it’s rough and nothing I can say will automatically just make everything better, I’m not some kind of profound philosopher who’ll provide you with a great argument, but you can’t let this one girl keep you shackled, you can’t let her control your life. She was a bitch. You’re no less of a person than everyone else just because she looked down on you.” She grabbed his face and looked him into his brown eyes. They glistened from the tears. His eyes were like a broken mountain, they’d make you wonder what sort of force would be able to break something so beautiful. We’re so used to the whole image of an eye staring that sometimes we forget that they can break, and his eyes did. They were definitely broken, they could only look into the past. She removed his glasses and told him to look her in the eyes.
“I can’t actually look you in the eyes because I won’t see them without my glasses so…” he grabbed his glasses and put them back on, while his cheeks were still being squished by her hands. The tears stopped, he smiled.
Kate laughed but then became serious once again, “You are not going to let this bitch keep ruining your life. Look, I know it’s tough and nothing I’ll say will change that, it won’t miraculously go away, but you can beat her, you can get better, I believe in you, I know you can.”
“Beat her as in a fist fight? With a lead pipe? A bat?”
Kate burst into laughter. Kraig showed a sheepish smile.
“Fuck you,” she said, still laughing, “You know what I mean.”
“I think I do,” he laughed, “You’re right, a lead pipe is the way to go.”
It had gotten dark outside and the rain was still pouring hard.
“I’m so screwed,” said Kate, pacing around the room while talking to her mother on the phone. She told her to sleep over at a friend’s house as they were going to spend the night at her aunt’s on account of the rain.
“You can sleep over, you can take the bed and I’ll just sleep in the chair. It reclines, it’s fine.”
Kate was reluctant to accept his offer. She didn’t want to overstay her welcome b
ut what else was she supposed to do? She wasn’t however, going to let him sleep on the chair, so she told him he’d also have to sleep on the bed. Kraig felt embarrassed and wasn’t sure how to feel but after some negotiating, he finally gave in and agreed.
“This is a bit awkward,” Kraig said, the both of them huddled in bed.
“Only if you make it,” Kate said, “We’re just two friends sharing a bed, nothing wrong with that.”
“Yeah, but—”
“But what?”
“Want to watch my favourite movie?”
“And what movie would that be?”
“500 Days of Summer.”
Kraig was half off the bed as if he was scared of Kate, Kate pulled him closer. They were both wrapped and huddled under the covers together, and so they watched the movie. As it went on, Kraig noticed that he had his arm around her and was playing with her hair, it was a subconscious habit of his but seeing no objection from her, he carried on. There was no objection from Kate, maybe she was even enjoying it.
At the end of the movie, Kraig went on and on about how much he loved the movie and how it gave a big ‘fuck you’ to the Manic Pixie’s Dream-Girl, Trope, and how it was the most realistic romance he’d ever seen and yada, yada, yada.
They watched another movie. They were supposed to marathon the Iron Man movies but halfway through the first one, she fell asleep on his shoulder. He grabbed her carefully and laid her properly on the bed; her head on his pillow. He turned off the laptop and put it on his bedside cabinet. He tucked her in properly so she wouldn’t feel cold covering her up to her neck. And so he went to sleep with his back touching hers.
Kate awoke later during her sleep and noticed that his back was to hers, she figured she could blame it on sleeping so she wrapped her arm around him and spooned him gripping him tightly. Kraig suddenly turned in his sleep and was face to face with her. She could hear his light snoring which almost made her giggle; he looked so different as he slept, like an innocent, untainted puppy. She kissed him on the nose and fell back asleep with a smile on her face, as she stared at his face.
The sun slowly rose, its red-orange light gleamed through the closed window and filled the room. The roads were still wet from the rain. Kraig woke up to himself spooning Kate, he jerked his arms back in surprise.
He laid there for a minute, looking at the ceiling, somewhat confused. Do friends just sleep together in the same bed? he thought. He lifted the covers on top of him and planted his feet on the ground. He put on his slippers and went into the kitchen, where his mother was eating cereal and was instantly ready to give him an inquisitive look,
“You didn’t do anything, did you?” she asked.
“Jesus, Mum. No, you know I wouldn’t. I even texted you for permission because she had nowhere else to go. What else was I supposed to do?”
“Sleep on the floor,” she laughed. Kraig looked at the kitchen clock, it was half-past ten.
“Did you walk Duke?” he asked.
“Sure did,” she said, finishing the last of her cereal.
“Are you in the mood for English breakfast?” he said, pulling out some sausages from the freezer.
“And since when do you cook?” she asked with an eyebrow raised.
“Ever since I realised chicks like men who are productive.”
“Firstly, you’re not a man yet and secondly, since when do you care about that?”
“Ever since I realised that maybe I do like Kate.”
“You little Devil! I knew it! I knew you liked her, you sly fox.” His mother laughed out of joy for her son.
“Jesus! Keep it down, she might hear you.”
They continued to talk as Kraig prepared breakfast for all three of them. He told his mum everything about the previous day, including how he told her about Ray. She was surprised that he was finally beginning to put his trust in other people.
Kate walked out the bedroom door.
“Good morning,” she said, as her smile lit up the room. Kraig found her dishevelled look adorable and felt the butterflies in his stomach kicking.
“Take a seat,” he said, pulling back a chair.
She sat down and Kraig served up food for all three of them. Catherine took note on the positive effect she was already leaving on her son, needless to say she was hoping that Kraig would work up the courage to ask her out and forget about his past. She just wanted to see him happy.
Kate got a text from her mother telling her that she was going to pick her up at noon. They spent about an hour conversing together, talking about school, the past and their aspirations for the future.
Time passed and eventually Kate’s mother arrived. Kraig walked her outside and watched her get into the car.
“You didn’t do anything with him, did you?” her mother asked.
“Jesus, Mum. I didn’t. I have some self-control,” she laughed.
“Wouldn’t blame you if you did. He seems nice and quite the looker.”
“What the actual fuck, Mum?”
“I’m just saying, I was sixteen once, too.”
“Just drive Mum, please,” Kate laughed.
Chapter 6
Something
It was the latter half of December. Kraig, Ronald, Eric and Gary were standing at their usual public garden, eating wraps they bought from a nearby Turkish place. They sat on the stairs (the same ones which led up to the war memorial bell). Kraig told them that he told Kate everything (he had told them about everything prior to telling her). They all had something to say once again about Ray, their sentences were peppered with words like ‘whore’ and ‘slut’, so they could sufficiently express their anger. Kraig joined in and perhaps that was no way to speak of a woman, no matter what she does. But they didn’t care. They were angry at the girl who screwed their friend over.
Kraig stared at the war memorial once again.
“You stare at that thing so much, it makes me think you fought in that war,” said Gary.
“I fought the war of love,” laughed Kraig, “And now I’m bloody and scarred. I lost but hey, at least…” Kraig paused, “Yeah, I got nothing, there is no bright side,” he laughed.
“Don’t be so dramatic, you cunt,” said Gary.
Kraig laughed, “Then let me stare at it in peace.”
Gary spoke, “Okay, stare all you want but seriously, don’t tell the girl you’re interested in that you still miss your ex, that’s like shooting yourself in the foot.”
“Bugger off,” Kraig said in a British accent. He took his eyes off the bell, “By the way, I’ve been meaning to thank you guys.”
“For what?” asked Ron.
“For everything. I never had friends like you guys, I mean sure, you piss me off sometimes. I mean, who doesn’t? But we always make up in the end and we all have a good time and you accept me for the way I am so I guess ‘thanks’ is what I’m trying to say, especially for hearing me bitch whenever I need to get something off my chest. I’m not really good at this sort of thing so just… thanks.”
“That’s fucking gay,” said Gary.
“Eat my ass,” Kraig said, flipping him off.
Gary laughed, but his face was more serious now. He put his fingers between each other and rested his chin on them with his elbows resting on his thighs as he sat on the stairs.
“Since we’re all getting mushy, I need to get some things off my chest too. I only have a couple of weeks left here. I got accepted to join a football team in England, this is a huge opportunity, I can’t lose this so I’m going to be moving and I only have a couple of weeks left here.”
“He’s not the only one,” said Eric, “I’m going to be gone for two years on military training. I wish it didn’t happen now just as we’re becoming great friends but life has a tendency to screw you over.”
Kraig kept a straight face, “Well, I’m glad you’re both following your dreams, I’ll miss you, but this is great news.”
It wasn’t fine.
Kraig told them both t
hat everything would be fine, he was glad they were following their dreams, but they had found their way into his life now.
He got home and went straight up into his room, he was alone, God fucking damn it, he slammed his pillow on the bed, and again and again God fucking damn it, damn it, damn it. He didn’t weep, he was angry at life for screwing him over again. No, that’s wrong, they’re your friends, this is good for them but fuck… Butt fuck. He made himself chuckle a little. He caught his breath and went into the kitchen to get a glass of chocolate milk. He felt sapped of energy, he went to bed with his clothes still on.
When morning came, Catherine found him asleep on his bed with his clothes still on. She knew something was wrong and when he came down to the kitchen, she asked. He told her everything. He told her about Eric and Gary, about how they had to leave, about how he was glad to have made friends and how angry he felt that they were going away, and he told her that perhaps he was still disillusioned for counting on other people for ‘happy times’.
“You can’t stop them,” said Catherine, “They have dreams and aspirations to follow. You’ve got some good memories with them, but their life doesn’t revolve around you. Keeping them here would be selfish, you have to support them in their decisions.”
“I know, it’s just…”
Kraig was at the back of Hot Joe’s. The familiar aroma of coffee filled the shop. He found the smell pleasant, even though he found the taste of coffee to be horrid (he had a terrible case of sweet tooth syndrome; coffee didn’t rest too well with him). He was sitting on a cushioned bench with a backrest which was fixed to a wall. He sipped his hot chocolate slowly, he saw the people and cars outside pass him by through the sliding glass door. It was raining again.
He took his notebook out of his bag and laid it on the table and chewed on his pen.
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