No, he put it back in. He wasn’t going to write anything today but he was carrying it around at least, just to maybe make Kate feel better, as if she cares about me. He had thought about picking writing up again but his philosophy of ‘There’s no point in trying’ always won, and with the news of his friends soon going away, he didn’t have much energy either. Besides, he felt uninspired, he liked romantic stories, and he wanted to write one but when it came to actual ideas, well, he felt as if that well was dry.
He kept chewing on his pen and revising his History notes, a test was coming up. He got bored and his mind wandered, he took out his notebook once more and flipped through it. He saw scribbles and messy notes for stories filled with hope and optimism. He wondered where all of that went, he chuckled at the past, if only he could turn the clock back. It had been a while since he was optimistic. He didn’t know how it happened, it just did. He was fine and one day, he felt sad and slightly sadder the next day until the sadness stopped and then felt nothing and then the nothing became the normal. The next thing he knows, he’s taking meds. He lived a happy life so he always wondered why it was happening. That feeling was coming back just slightly but it pricked him in the brain and this time, he knew where it was coming from; he didn’t want his friends to leave.
He wanted Kate to hold him and tell him it’ll be alright and he thought he’d stop feeling like this with her, Come on, you idiot, you’ve seen 500 Days of Summer, you have to find your own happiness. That was easier said than done. He didn’t have a particularly strong will, he relied on the meds to make him feel better. It was difficult, sure, but he never made the effort to, at the very least, try to make himself feel better and yet he hated himself for giving up.
He took another sip and wondered if there would ever come a time when everything would be perfect. That’s what he did. He was passive. He hoped that life would neatly arrange all the pieces for him and make him happy. He knew it was a fantasy and yet, he believed it. There were great moments of course, he always smiled remembering about the first time he went out with his friends, and when he found Duke and when Kate came to walk him, he considered these brief moments of happiness bliss in the ever going train-wreck which was life, but maybe he needed to see that that is all life really is, that was more simple than he thought, that even though the bad outnumbers the good, the good more than makes up for it.
“I’m the most selfish and narcissistic person you’ll ever meet,” he once told Kate.
“How so?”
“I believe the world owes me everything just because it took a few things.”
His phone rang, he picked up.
“Hey, sweetie. Can you do me a favour and get me some take-away once the rain stops and you’re on your way back?”
“Sure, Mum, I love you.”
“I got you a surprise too for when you come home.”
“Thanks, Mum.”
It always amazed him how his mum could tell whenever he was sad. She told him about the surprise to make him feel a bit better, she noticed even through the phone, that’s what she always did, when he was feeling down, she’d talk to him (more than usual) and get him a small surprise to remind him that she was always thinking about him.
He was about to leave when the chair opposite him was pulled back. He was surprised, it was Ray.
“What a surprise seeing you here,” she said. “Do you come here just to see me?” she grinned.
Kraig didn’t like her tone, there was a menacing undertone to the way she spoke. It was supposed to be a joke, but it was as if she meant to say, “This is my place, stop coming here.”
“No, I don’t, and it’s not really a surprise, considering I live, what, fifteen minutes away at a gruelling slow crawl? I like their hot chocolate. It would be a surprise if I lived hours away, which you do.”
He grabbed his messenger bag and hung it on his shoulder, “I’m glad I saw you (not really) but I’m busy (I want to play videogames), I’ll see you around.”
Kraig walked out of the store as fast as he could without appearing like a suspicious freak, he didn’t look back. Ray stood in that chair, her back to the door, head turned around watching Kraig. Kraig was relieved, as soon as he left, he punched himself in the stomach. No, no, we like Kate, you idiot, we like Kate. Wait. Do we? We do, don’t we?
Confusion yet again. What a surprise. He hated himself for what he was feeling (just one more reason to an ever-growing list). After all this time, you still feel this way? After all the bullshit she put you through?
Kraig walked briskly towards his home, not caring about the still pouring rain. There was a Turkish place near his home, he got Catherine a chicken wrap, shielded it from the rain and booked it home.
When he got there, he took the wrap up to her bedroom, she thanked him and he gave her a kiss on the cheek. She went to her closet and pulled out something from her top shelf. Kraig gave her a big hug and spent two minutes thanking her, it was a Beatles album, Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.
He played the record and kicked back in his chair, reading through a Legend of Zelda (for the N.E.S.) guide (he liked videogames but he wasn’t the best). Once the record was played, he binged Hunter X: Hunter until he played Overwatch with Gary.
“I’m not going on a date, Gary,” said Kraig, frustrated.
“Why the hell not? You like her and she likes you.”
“It’s more complicated than that. Besides, she only likes me because she doesn’t know me well enough. I’m short tempered and I cause unnecessary problems, besides, even if we did go out, it wouldn’t work. She’s out of my league, she’s too good for me.”
The whole group, except for Kate (who was talking to a teacher in another building) spent that break arguing about whether or not Kraig should ask Kate out. Kraig always said he believed he wasn’t good enough, but they knew he was relying on her to make him happy and save him, so they wondered what he meant every time he said ‘it’s complicated’. In reality Kraig wanted to make himself happy first, before he tried to make anyone else.
Eventually, they came to an understanding that it was most likely something to do with Ray, but he never told them that he liked both, the girl who broke his heart and the girl who he wanted to fix it (while also knowing that that wasn’t really healthy. I wonder what’s wrong with this kid).
“Besides,” said Kraig, “I’m scared to ask, it’ll go one of four ways. She says no and it gets awkward and we’ll stop being friends, she says no and we remain friends, she says yes and eventually one of us gets hurt or she says yes and there’s a happily ever after, but I know which outcome is going to happen, so fuck it, I won’t bother to ask.”
“Oh my God! You idiot!” cried Eric in frustration, “She literally told Anna, I repeat, TOLD, with words and her mouth in the physical confrontation of Anna with the action of speaking right next to Anna, that she would go out with you.” Eric threw both of his hands forward in frustration and disbelief before cupping his face and letting out a quiet scream, “How can one man be so smart and so fucking dumb at the same time? How the hell are you doing so well in school and yet you can’t realise when a girl clearly likes you? How can you remember all those fucking dates for History but can’t figure out when a girl wants to go out on one with you?”
“I mean, it’s not like she asked for a date,” said Kraig.
“She wanted you to go with her to the movies,” said Gary.
“Yeah, so?”
“You two. Alone.”
“Yeah, as friends.”
“I’m going to cry, I’m actually going to cry,” said Eric.
“Don’t worry, she knows he’s awkward. She realised the hint—if you could call it that—flew over his head and she hadn’t given up on him.”
“Look, even if she did like me—” said Kraig.
“It’s not a fucking if!” Ron interrupted, now also frustrated.
“Even if she did like me,” Kraig resumed somewhat bitter, “and she went on a da
te with me, she’d realise her mistake by the latest on the third date and if you really want to stretch it by the fourth.”
“You’re a fucking idiot, the perfect girl as stated by you likes you and you refuse to make a move, you fucking ape.” Gary voiced his belief, none of them could believe how dense he was.
Kraig’s fuse blew, he snapped, “It’s my fucking choice to make, you don’t know what I fucking feel or what’s going through my brain, SO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!” They stood in silence, Kraig grabbed his bag and went to his Philosophy class, how useful that the bell rang as he had his little tantrum. They all saw Kraig storm out as Kate walked in through the canteen doors.
“What was that about?” asked Kate.
“We just pried a bit too much, I think. We’ve got other suspicions as to why, which we’re not at liberty to share,” said Ron.
“It’s about Ray, isn’t it?” asked Kate.
Ron scratched the back of his head, “We think so.”
Kraig explained everything to them on the group chat later that night, after he apologised for his behaviour. He told them about how shitty he felt about liking two girls at the same time (sweet innocence of the youth) but that he was also sure he liked one more than the other. That being Kate.
December. Anna and Eric were bundled up on the bed together, with Eric resting against the headboard and Anna between his legs. They were watching The Nightmare Before Christmas, Anna’s (and Kate’s) favourite film. This was what? The third year in a row that they’ve seen it during Christmas season.
“Did Kraig tell you why he stormed off yesterday?” she asked, shifting upwards and resting her head on his shoulder.
“Yeah, he’s… confused.”
“Of course, he is. You’re honestly idiotic sometimes.” She sighed in disbelief, “After all the bullshit he went through, you honestly think he’ll just ask her out and it’ll be that simple? He’s still scared even if he didn’t still like Ray.”
Eric said nothing but he understood. A few minutes later, Eric’s phone buzzed, it was a message from Kraig.
“Hey, is Kate free tomorrow?”
“How the hell am I supposed to know? Ask her,” replied Eric.
“Who is it?” Anna asked, pulling herself further up to look at the screen. She saw the message and snatched away Eric’s phone.
“Hey!” he uttered in surprise.
Anna tapped away at the phone, “It’s Anna, she’s free, and don’t worry, I won’t tell her you asked ;).”
“Skidiwoop.”
Anna held up the phone to Eric’s face, “What the hell does this mean?”
“It’s an inside joke of ours, it’s kinda like saying ‘cool’, it’s complicated to explain.”
“I swear the lot of you are too…strange sometimes. Why can’t your inside jokes be about someone spilling food on them or something?”
No matter how stupid that inside joke seemed though, at the very least it meant something to all of them, that they were good enough friends to even have an inside joke, no matter how stupid that joke was, they all cherished it.
Kraig was cosy under his bed covers, playing Hearthstone on his phone, he was on his fifth loss in a row. He stared at the messenger screen, typed in Kate’s name and quickly backed out hesitating.
Fuck it. “Hey, are you free tomorrow?”
She replied a few minutes later, “Sorry, was watching Pyro, Yeah, I’m free, why?”
“This is going to sound strange but, want to go bowling?”
“Why would that be strange? XD And sure, who else is coming?”
“It’ll just be you and me, the rest can’t make it. They all have bowling related trauma; serious PTSD. Also, please never use XD in my presence ever again, it’s 2017 and bordering on 2018.”
“Haha, sure thing, what time are we meeting?”
And so they made plans, and Kate was filled with happiness that her wish came true and Kraig was well, anxious, shouldn’t be a surprise at this point, so I’ll make it clear once again. He’s always confused, can never make a decision, he’s very anxious and sometimes very sad, still on track? Good. Remember that.
What am I doing here? Why did I ask her out? Maybe I shouldn’t have acted on impulse. Things were set in motion now, however, and even though he was worried, the way she smiled at him when she knocked down more pins than him made him happy and worry just slightly less. He stood up from the bench he was sitting on and grabbed a bowling ball.
“This one’s to end world hunger.” He rolled the ball, gutter. “Huh, guess everyone’s starving now.” Kate covered her mouth with her hands and rolled back in her seat, laughing.
He grabbed the same ball as it came back up, “One more go.” He rolled the ball, he watched it slowly shift to the left ever so slightly and just before it hit any pins, gutter. Again.
It seems Lady Luck was having a laugh again, or maybe he was just bad, probably the latter… definitely the latter. They were on their fifth set and he was losing 35-26. Kate stood up, grabbed a ball and down they all went, a strike, make that 45-26. He always felt incompetent at anything that felt remotely competitive, he couldn’t win at videogames and he couldn’t bowl to save his life, not that he would. But he was still losing with a smile, because she was there, and she just seemed to make everything better, it was like summer and Tom’s first kiss, that feeling he imagined they felt, it was there. She made everything better; even feeling worthless felt worthwhile with her.
The game was done. Kraig lost and they both put on their coats and left together.
“It’s so cold!” Kate exclaimed. It was a beautiful, dark, starry night. The sky was a beautiful shade of dark purple-black. Kraig took off his scarf, he buttoned his coat all the way up and covered his face with it. He wrapped the scarf around her and grabbed her by her shoulder to bundle her up. She refused to put on the scarf.
“Just do it,” he told her with a smile, prepared to endure the cold just so she could feel a little warmer. It was a cheesy cliché for sure, but it was what he saw in the movies (that was pretty much his main source of information for this date).
They eventually made it to a nearby café, the walls were decorated with cut-outs of old wartime newspapers which were painted onto the walls and there were also multiple British World War Two era posters. They sat down at a table and Kraig went to get two hot chocolates. They both hated coffee. They sat there for a bit in a stalemate, not knowing what to do, sipping their still hot beverages every now and again, Kraig finally broke the ice.
“I’m not really good at conversations and I can’t stand this silence, but if you want the ice to be broken, you’ll have to take the lead.”
“That’s a first,” Kate replied, raising an eyebrow, as she looked at him over the edge of her mug which was still touching her mouth.
“What is?” He took another sip.
“I’d just assumed that a writer would, you know, be good at conversations, considering they write so many fictional ones, but I’m not going to take your word for it, you have a tendency to sell yourself short.”
“I get it, I’m below six feet, ‘selling myself short’”
“That’s not what I mean,” she said frantically.
“I know,” he said, laughing.
“I hate you so much.”
“No, you don’t. You like me.”
“No, I don’t. Coming on this date was a mistake,” she laughed.
Kraig scratched the back of his head, “This… This isn’t a date. We’re just two friends, chilling.”
Her heart sank a little, “I know. I was just kidding. Point is, I regret coming.”
“You haven’t left yet, have you?”
“Meh, fair enough. Anyway, tell me more about you, why’d you start writing?”
“That’s a long-ish story,” he chuckled, as if to avoid the question, even though he had the full intent of answering it.
“Well, I’m a hopeless romantic, I believe in love and all that bullshit and I
’d watch a bunch of movies and anime which were romantic, but I couldn’t really make a movie or an anime and then while I was writing an essay for school, I got the urge to write more and more, and something just clicked, you know? That was pretty much it at first. I wasn’t even reading that many books at the time, it was just a place to write down all my stupid fantasies of the perfect girl, I wasn’t smooth or anything with them so I wrote about them. But as time went on, I got more into it. I started reading books; not just romance, even fantasy. I wanted to branch out, maybe write the script for a comic in the future, maybe even a movie. I began to dabble in poetry as well from time to time, as well as writing short stories here and there when I didn’t feel like working on my big project. I guess it was just fun, you know, being known as the writer, having an identity, but no one gives a shit if you’re a writer. Even if you’re the only writer in the whole school.” He drank the last bit of hot chocolate.
“Anyway, you know how this story ends, heartbreak yada, yada, yada. What about you? Why do you like drawing?” She finished the last of her hot chocolate.
“I’ll be right back,” he added, grabbing her empty mug.
He came back with two hot chocolates and set them on the table.
“I just like making things that look nice.”
Kraig waited for her to go on but she just went sipping her hot chocolate (and wincing a bit because she burned her mouth).
“So, that’s it? That’s the whole story?”
“Well yeah, as to why, it’s that simple. I just like doing it so I don’t let others dictate whether I do it or not, life’s simple, you know? You do what you like. As to how I started, I just sort of used to draw as a small child, then I just kept drawing. I chose art in secondary and I liked it so I pursued it. Nothing grand, not much of a story, truth be told. But as I said, if you like something just do it. Do what you like.”
Kraig pointed an index finger at himself, “Are you referring to—”
“I’m not, unless you think I am,” she interrupted him.
“Are you going to take part in the school art exhibition this year? What was the last thing you painted?”
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