“Are you saved? I mean really saved and not playing around with God?”
Pamela nodded.
“I can’t hear you.”
She forgot her mother couldn’t see her through the phone. “Yes, I’m saved.”
“Do you know the voice of the Lord?”
“Yes.” She knew exactly where her mother was going.
“What did He tell you about Micah?”
Pamela hung her head and massaged her temples. If she thought Dorothy Jacobs wouldn’t drive all the way from Vallejo to beat her down, Pamela would have hung up in her face to keep from answering the question.
“Well, what did He say?” Dorothy pushed.
“Micah is my husband,” Pamela mumbled the words so fast, Dorothy couldn’t make out what she had said.
“What?”
Pamela exhaled deeply. “He said Micah is my husband.”
“That’s all I need to hear.”
Pamela sat there in shock and listened to the flat line. Her mother had hung up in her face.
A moment after hanging up the phone, Dorothy Jacobs got on her knees alongside her bed and prayed hard. She knew her daughter well. Pamela was stubborn and hardheaded just like she used to be. Pamela’s stubbornness once before had taken her to a place so desolate Dorothy thought she was going to bury her only child. Pamela refused to listen to her ten years ago and carried the scars to prove it. The problem was her daughter refused to acknowledge those scars. Marlon Roberts tricked her baby out of much more than her virginity. He also robbed her of her trust and compassion. After Pamela accepted Christ, the darkness lifted, but every so often Dorothy could see the fear and distrust in her eyes. That is, until Micah entered into the picture.
It was only with him that Pamela relaxed enough to be her real self, Dorothy estimated. Pamela laughed and blushed more since she’d been dating Micah than she’d done her entire childhood. Micah was good for her and very good for Matthew. Micah was probably unaware that he helped rebuild Pamela’s self-esteem and confidence. He made her feel special in ways her father couldn’t. Micah made her feel like a woman.
Dorothy wasn’t naïve. She understood very well the consequences of a homosexual lifestyle. She knew the enticement and seduction into lust was strong and powerful. But she also knew God and the power of God. Just as clear as He exposed to her the deceitfulness in the heart of Marlon Roberts, God revealed to her the purity in Micah’s. She knew without question, Micah Stevenson was just what her baby and grandson needed. Dorothy stretched on the floor. There was no way she would allow Marlon to control her baby from down under without a fight.
Chapter 13
“Want some?” Jessica entered Pamela’s office unannounced and offered Pamela half of her Subway sandwich. Pamela ignored her, but Jessica sat down anyway. “Girl, stop acting silly and take this.” Jessica slid half of the sandwich and a bottle of water across her desk. “You know you’re hungry.”
Pamela looked up at her and rolled her eyes, but she took the sandwich. “Jessica, you make me sick.”
“Whatever. I love you too,” Jessica said before biting into the turkey club. “I just don’t want you to make the biggest mistake of your life. You did say Micah’s your soul mate?” Jessica reminded her with raised eyebrows.
“You sound just like my mother,” Pamela smirked.
“We’re only repeating what you said God said.”
Pamela took a drink of water before responding. “God did say it, but I don’t know if I can deal with this. To be honest, I don’t want to deal with this again.”
“Pam, he’s not Marlon.”
Pamela wanted to believe that, but she’d been fooled countless times before into falling for the baby-it-won’t-happen-again speech. “In my heart, I know he’s not, but I haven’t been able to convince my mind yet.”
“Pam, let me be transparent for a minute,” Jessica said after swallowing a swig of water. “I’m a thirty-year-old single woman. I go to work five days a week and church on Sundays and Wednesdays. I wake up alone, and I fall asleep alone. On the weekends I dine alone or shop alone. I even go to the movies alone. I’ve gone to Blockbuster so much that all of the salespeople know me by name. I’m secure with myself, and I like who I am, so I don’t mind dining alone. But I would love to have someone hold the door open for me as I enter the restaurant or pull my chair out. I don’t mind watching the latest big-screen release by myself, but I would love to have someone to discuss the movie with on the way to the car. If I get sick, there’s no one to take care of me but me. When I’m happy, there’s no one to run home to and share the good news with, neither is someone there to encourage me when I’m down.”
“I’m single too, Jess,” Pamela interrupted. “I understand what it’s like living alone.”
“But at least you have Matthew to talk to. What I desire more than anything is someone to share my life with, and I also want to be a mother. But God hasn’t sent my soul mate to me yet.” Jessica took another sip of water. “But He has sent yours. True, he’s flawed, but we’re all flawed, and even at that, he’s everything you need. Would you rather be alone forever looking for someone to fill the space in your heart that can only be occupied by Micah? Or would you rather experience the love of a good man?”
Pamela didn’t answer, just continued chewing very slowly.
“Do you want to hear something funny?” Jessica asked.
Pamela still didn’t answer.
“Pam, if my soul mate approached me today, I’d take Anthony Combs in a minute. Shiny suits and all!” Jessica laughed. “Girl, I’d love every bit of that eight-pack.”
“But that’s something easy to fix ...” Pamela stopped talking and waved her hands in the air. “Hold on, did you just say Anthony Combs is your soul mate?”
“We’re talking about you right now,” Jessica retorted, realizing she’d spilled what she’d known for months. “Like I was saying, you don’t need to fix Micah. God has already done that. All you need to do is love him.”
“This is not some simple flaw, like being color blind, this is a major issue,” Pamela contended.
“It isn’t any more major than the problem you had. Why is it that we want our men to be the perfect knights in shiny armor, but we want them to accept us with all of our issues and hang-ups?”
Pamela stood and walked over to the window and offered Jessica her back. “Jess, it’s not that I want Micah to be perfect, I just want to be able to trust him.”
“You can.”
“I tried that before, and it didn’t work.”
Jessica walked over to her and placed her arm around her shoulder. “Not with Micah you didn’t. Please don’t make Micah pay for Marlon’s mistakes.”
Pamela pulled away from her. “That’s not what I’m doing!” she barked.
“Then what do you call it?”
“I am protecting me and my son.”
There wasn’t any getting through to Pam, not today. Jessica collected her lunch trash, but kept talking. “I call it D-E-N-I-A-L. You’re taking your unresolved issues with that overgrown boy you had for a husband out on Micah.” Jessica placed her hand on the doorknob. “When you’re ready to be healed, call me. I’ll bring the blessed oil and a throw sheet.” Jessica laughed and so did Pamela, finally.
Micah hurried into Bible Study minutes before Pastor Jackson mounted the podium. His plan was to get there early enough to sit on the front row. That way he could look straight ahead without having to see Pamela. But thanks to his last customer, the closest seat he found was three rows from the back.
“I can do this,” he told himself. It had been three days since he laid eyes on the woman he loved. Three days since he’d heard her soft voice. Three days since she threw the dagger that pierced his heart almost beyond repair. Regardless of the distance and restrictions she’d put between them, if she’d just said the word, restoration would be granted.
Micah had just about convinced himself that he could get through Bible Study
when Pamela and Matthew hurried into the sanctuary and took the empty seats right next to him.
“Hey, Micah.” Matthew wasted no time jumping on Micah’s lap and giving him a hug.
“Hey, buddy.” The joy that instantaneously filled Micah’s heart helped ease the sorrow that had encased him like a glove since his love pulled away from him. He guardedly made eye contact with Pamela, and surprisingly, she gave him a smile. “I miss you so much,” is what he wanted to say, but what he voiced was a simple and guarded, “Hello.”
“Hi, honey,” she replied as she rummaged through her bag for her Bible Study journal and an ink pen. She found the journal, but didn’t have any luck with the pen.
Micah didn’t know what to make of her greeting. Was she softening her stance or just putting up a good front? After all, one could find Academy Award–winning performances in the church on any given day. “Here.” He held out a pen with the cable company’s logo on it. She smiled and accepted it just as Sister Davis came to collect Matthew for the children’s Bible Study class in the fellowship hall.
With Matthew gone, there was nothing between them but space, which was normal. Not wanting to be the headline news for Praise Temple’s I-got-it-and-I-got-to-report-it gossip columnists, they always made a conscious effort not sit too close to one another in church.
Pamela tried hard to decipher the words flowing from Pastor Jackson’s mouth, but it was impossible. The thumping in her chest was too loud. She’d known she would see Micah, but didn’t know she’d be so close to him. And what was worse, she wanted to be even closer, having realized that the second she saw him, the hardness toward him softened and all she wanted was for things to be like they were four days ago. She wanted her daily phone calls. She missed their commercial time together. She missed his smile, his eyelashes, his cologne—she missed him.
Her note taking was useless. She gave up. The only thing she could hear was her heart reminding her of how much she needed him in her life. Before her rational mind could stop her hand, she wrote the words I miss you repeatedly across the page of her journal.
“I miss you too,” Micah whispered in her ear. Stunned, she dropped the pen and locked eyes with him.
In her eyes, Micah’s could tell that she meant those three little words, but her eyes also told him she wasn’t quite ready to overlook his past just yet. He broke their gaze, and she watched as he scribbled the words I love you in his notebook. Pamela promptly held her index finger up and stepped out. When she returned, Micah had moved his seat.
When she didn’t find Matthew in the fellowship hall after Bible Study, Pamela knew exactly where to look for her young man. She suppressed her emotions, the anticipation of being close to Micah once again, and headed for the cable company van.
“Micah, are you coming for dinner after practice tomorrow?” Matthew asked, leaning against the cable company van.
“I don’t know, Micah answered honestly. “I may not be able to make it.”
“I like the way you help me with my homework. Mommy is always too tired.”
“I know,” Micah said plainly, then had a thought. “Maybe Mr. Larson can help you before practice.”
“He’s too old,” Matthew answered. “The new stuff is too hard for him.”
Micah laughed at his little friend’s observation. “I’ll see what I can do after practice,” he promised.
As she neared the cable company van, Pamela’s emotions were finally under control. That is, until she observed the way Micah interacted with her son. Normally, Micah would take him for a ride on his shoulders right there in the parking lot. Tonight, Micah made sure he kept at least an arm’s distance from Matthew. With every attempt Matthew made to draw closer to him, Micah casually moved, eventually opting to sit inside the van with the door closed. From where she stood, Pamela could read his avoidance tactics. She was sure Matthew could too, and that made her regret the things she’d said. A tear slid down her cheek when she recognized she had taken away her son’s friend.
“Here comes your mother.” Micah pointed in Pamela’s direction making sure he avoided eye contact. He couldn’t look at her now. He was angry for having to push Matthew away. He hated to think Matthew was experiencing, at his hands, the same rejection he’d become accustomed to, but that was what his mother wanted.
“I’ll see you tomorrow at practice.” Matthew hesitated a moment not sure of what to do. Micah usually hugged him before they parted.
“Tomorrow, little buddy,” Micah said, and then extended his hand out the window. “Don’t forget to bring your homework.” The smile that Matthew gave him while he shook his hand was missing something and that broke Micah’s heart.
“Mommy, Micah’s going to help me with my homework tomorrow.”
The excitement in her son’s voice made it impossible for Pamela to deny her son again. “All right, I’ll see you tomorrow, Micah.” Pamela grabbed her son by the hand. “We’ll talk later.”
Micah didn’t even watch them walk away. He started the engine and took off faster than normal. At the moment, a conversation with Pamela was not something he looked forward to.
The second Micah stepped into his apartment, he began pulling off his work clothes and headed for the shower. The day’s physical task was minor compared to the emotional tidal wave Pamela had taken him through in just two short hours. From the moment she sat next to him, his world was all right again. When her fingers penned on paper what was in her heart, he allowed his guard to lower just a little. But then she walked away from him, and the wound in his heart deepened. He wasn’t naïve. He’d known there was a fifty-fifty chance of Pamela ending their relationship, and mentally, he thought he was prepared to handle it. Sadly for him, he’d underestimated the progress he’d made. Being saved gave him some security, but rejection was still hard to handle no matter how familiar it was.
The hot pellets from the Spiderman showerhead were a welcomed reprieve from his inner turmoil, but as he stepped from the steam-filled bathroom and into the bedroom, his dilemma returned. How could he help Matthew tomorrow, and how could he protect him from getting hurt in this mess? Pamela’s ring tone filled his room before he could come to a resolution. “How ironic,” he grumbled before he answered the call. Hearing the melody for “You Are the Sunshine of My Life” only magnified the dark clouds hanging over his life.
“You didn’t have to change your seat,” Pamela said softly.
“I know being in close proximity to me bothers you. I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable in church,” Micah replied.
“Then you should have stayed. I meant what I said, I mean wrote; I miss you. Micah, I miss you so much.”
In the prolonged silence that followed, Micah tried to find the proper way to respond. He didn’t want to rush her, but he didn’t want her to drag him along either.
“Matthew wants me to help him with his homework tomorrow. Is that all right with you?” Micah held his breath, once again preparing to ride out another emotional tidal wave.
“What time shall we expect you?” she asked cheerfully. “Mr. Larson will drop Matthew at home around 7:00.”
Micah wanted to tell her that it didn’t make sense for her neighbor to pick Matthew up. After all, he was his coach, and they were coming from the same place, but he didn’t say that. Pamela was his mother, and she could do whatever she wanted to when it came to Matthew. “I’ll be there,” he replied, and then waited for her to direct the rest of the conversation, if there was any.
“Micah, I . . . I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Good night, Ms. Roberts.” He was about to disconnect when she called out to him.
“Micah, I don’t like you calling me Ms. Roberts. It’s so impersonal, like what we have is nothing more than a business or professional relationship. What we have is much more than that. At least it is to me.”
Micah closed his eyes and breathed deeply once again. “Pamela, what do we have?”
“Micah we love each other, don’t we? I k
now I love you.”
Micah didn’t realize he was crying until he felt a tear fall onto his fingers near the receiver. Before attempting to speak, he swallowed the lump in his throat. “Pamela, I do love you, more than you know.”
“I do know. Good night.”
Micah wanted to be happy, but he couldn’t. It was too early.
Chapter 14
Pamela moved around the kitchen quickly preparing dinner for her son and Micah. At first she tried to convince herself she wasn’t cooking for Micah, then gave up trying while leaning over the sink, which was filled with potatoes. She had a vegetable peeler in hand. Micah adored her homemade garlic mashed potatoes and her sautéed green beans. She didn’t have time to make meatloaf. Micah would have to settle for baked salmon instead, and he would have to wait until the weekend for some peach cobbler.
Pamela wasn’t sure how the evening would go, but anything was better than the last five days. She missed him so much. The emptiness was so unbearable at times that as she lay in bed at night, she would stare at the phone, wishing it would ring. When it didn’t, she would cry until sleep came.
Her stomach bubbled with joy as she approached her car in the parking lot after work today. A yellow piece of paper held in place by the wiper blade flapped against her windshield. Assuming it was a love note from Micah, she sprinted toward the vehicle in three-inch heels and snatched the paper. In her excitement she didn’t notice that every car in the parking lot had the same yellow decoration. Her knees buckled, and she had to lean against the car to keep from falling as she read the flyer that announced the opening of a new Mexican restaurant at Emery Bay. Once inside the vehicle, she banged the steering wheel in frustration. The feelings she had for her late husband didn’t come close to what she felt for Micah Stevenson. With Micah, she felt it all; fear, anger, hurt, disappointment, but the one emotion that always remained and overshadowed the others was love.
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