Silent Heart

by Susan Simone

  ‘I know. I’ve never lost anyone like that. I don’t have words to help you.’

  ‘Don’t worry, you help a lot actually.’

  ‘I do?’

  ‘You won’t let me give up.’

  ‘You scare the shit out of me sometimes, you know that?

  ‘Sorry?’ I laughed.

  ‘Seriously. You don’t always follow orders; you try to make friends with wild animals, not to mention starving yourself for days. I understand why you did it but I really thought you were going to die. I honestly don’t know what I’d do if you died now.’

  ‘I don’t plan on dying. That much I do promise.’

  ‘You promise that.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘No matter what, you’re going to fight.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I’m very serious about this Paige. Even if something should happen to me, you promise to keep fighting.’

  ‘Why is something going to happen to you?’

  ‘Paige.’

  ‘I promise.’

  ‘Good.’ His fingers traced the line of my arm and shoulder. I could feel his breath on my neck blowing into the neckline of my top. I wasn’t sure if that was on purpose or not and decided not to ask. His hand found mine and I brought it to my lips before I realized what I was doing. My heart beat so fast I almost couldn’t breathe. He stilled for a long moment and then traced the line of my jaw before twining his fingers in mine.

  ‘Are we too familiar?’ I asked.

  ‘Definitely,’ he said.

  ‘So this is not proper.’

  ‘Not in the least.’ His mouth brushed over my neck, kissing the tender flesh there as intimately as a man could kiss a woman. ‘Do you want me to back off?’

  ‘No. I trust you.’

  ‘Really. How do you know my intentions are honorable?’ I turned over to look up at him, his hand slid over my hip.

  ‘Are they?’

  ‘Absolutely not,’ he said looking deep in my eyes. He bent down and kissed me taking my breath away. My first kiss. Pathetic but true. It was amazing; shockwaves of tingles spread through my body and a whole host of muscles usually ignored clenched. My hand found its way into his hair as he pulled me into him.

  It was over far too soon and he started to draw away. I stared up at him with wide eyes and he ran his fingers over my lips.

  ‘You don’t have to stop,’ I fumbled. He smiled and shook his head.

  ‘I do,’ he kissed my forehead. ‘I don’t want to but I really do. If I don’t stop now, I won’t be able to stop later.’

  ‘I thought your intentions weren’t honorable.’ He threw back his head and laughed.

  ‘They’re a little more honorable than that.’

  ‘Are you sure about that?’

  ‘Yes,’ he grinned. ‘I’m sure. I live by a code and more oaths than I can count. I will not break them. Besides there’ll be plenty of time later for, whatever we want.’

  ‘We?’

  ‘We,’ he kissed me quickly and snuggled in behind. Wrapped safely in his arms, this incredible peace spread over me. I’d never felt like this before, I had no words. He liked me. He wanted me of all people; maybe he even loved me somehow. Me! No one had ever really wanted me before. It was euphoric like too much ale. The universe suddenly seemed endless. I know all those wonderful idioms about love and blossoming romance and I’ve always thought them silly and mindless, but as I laid there those were all I could think of. Well that and the closeness of his body and how easy it would be to roll over and kill his resolve with my lips. But I respected him and if I respected him I had to let him do this his way or he’d never respect me.

  Sweet Lord, he kissed me!

  F ifteen

  I was in a deep sleep, probably the deepest sleep I’d had since Bear died, when my clothes pulled up painfully tight suddenly and I was pulled into the air. My arms were flailing backwards and Stone had grabbed my hips pulling me back to him. Dark figures circled in the night almost invisible against the sky, the two men playing tug of war with me. Panicked I reached behind me grabbing Stone’s jerkin in a death grip.

  Cold steel glinted in the scant light of a crescent moon and Stone had to drop me to avoid the blow. The other man was pulling so hard I flew into the air and landed on top of him. I was stunned to stillness for only a second and then I started clawing at the man’s face. He pushed me away to stop the damage and I took my chance to run back to Stone. Maybe if I had run away and led them on a chase things would have been different. Maybe if my instincts were better. Maybe…

  Stone was on his feet and turned to grab me even though he was surrounded. He didn’t see it coming, he didn’t see anything but me. I tried to make a noise, hoped I made a noise, reaching out for him, but he turned too late. The hilt of a weapon I couldn’t identify connected with his head and he went down. My feet were pulled out from under me bringing me to the ground. Stone’s eyes were open, awake, his hand reached for me and I tried to take it. I pulled every muscle in my body trying to reach that hand. Our fingers just touched and he tried to close his hand around them as I was dragged away by my feet.

  I saw Stone make one last herculean effort to get to his feet and the hilt of a weapon came down on his head a second time and he went limp. NO! GOD NO! Please God, not again! Why do you take them all away?! Why?! I screamed. I screamed and screamed. It was like losing Bear and my parents all over again. I had no one. No one! Stone was the only one left who cared about me, the only one left I cared about. My mind stopped working, my heart stopped beating.

  I was lifted like a rag doll and thrown over a horse like a sack of feed. I watched us ride away, the body of the only one to ever want my heart getting smaller and the only thing I could think was my last promise to him; that I would fight until I died. I started kicking and screaming, doing anything I could think of to get loose not caring if I was injured or trampled in the process. I was a mad woman. Something so savage had taken me over I didn’t even feel human anymore.

  I never saw the blow that knocked me out. There was a flash of light behind my eyes and a bone jarring crack and then only blackness. The thought, ‘I love him,’ floated away from me with my consciousness into the abyss.

  I woke on horseback, dangling uncomfortably by my stomach, the boots of the man who had me swaying with the pace of the horse in my face. The morning sun burned my eyes causing explosions of pain to wrack my head. I was dizzy and disoriented, lost in the never ending sea of grass that was upside down in my sight. My back ached, and my fingers and toes were numb, and my mouth painfully dry. I could almost feel the insides of my cheeks cracking like dried lips when I tried to swallow. None of this affected me; none of this moved me to stir.

  I blinked trying to remember what happened and kept seeing Stone’s limp body on the dark grass. This is what finally made me move. I covered my face in such desperate despair I thought my heart would break in two. Without Bear, I needed Stone. Without Stone, I needed Bear. I couldn’t live without both of them, my heart wasn’t strong enough. Those two men owned so much of me that without them there wasn’t anything left for me to live with.

  If I groaned or they saw me move, they ignored me. I rode limp, disregarding the pain in my chest and stomach for what seemed hours. I was haunted by my promise to Stone to fight but all I could do was lay there wilted in my own grief. I wanted to scream thinking of him dying out there all alone in the middle of the wastelands. I had to get back there somehow and bury him, but if I managed to get free now, I’d never outrun the men. I had to hold my panic in and think before I acted for once. I had to come up with something. Anything. They could kill me after I took care of my business, but I had to at least tend to his body. I never got to bury Bear.

  We stopped finally at a small rough stone house on the edge of the vast prairie. The first sprinklings of trees were visible in the not too distant horizon. The forest would only be a few hours away by foot, but I wouldn’t be going to the forest. If I managed to esc
ape with my life I would be heading back into the wastelands to care for my love. It didn’t matter anymore if he felt the same, all I knew was that I loved him and I couldn’t leave him to rot in a barren land.

  I was pulled unceremoniously off the horse and dragged in the house. I tried to pay attention to where I was but they moved so fast and I had not been trained in such things. I was literally thrown onto the floor in a small windowless room; the only light was from the crack at the bottom and top of the door. There was no handle on this side. For lack of any better idea, I tried sticking my fingers into that light to pull the door open and getting a boot stomped on them for the effort. I snatched my fingers back and sat down on the floor, lightly banging the back of my head into the wall.

  The room was empty. There wasn’t even a pile of straw or a bucket. The floor was cold and hard and sticky with something I couldn’t see. It was as blank and dark as my heart. I couldn’t cry. I wanted to cry, but I had nothing to cry with, no emotion, no feeling, just emptiness. I couldn’t even feel bad about not being able to cry. I absently rubbed my panther scratches and prayed for some kind of idea, some instruction that would get me out of this.

  It wasn’t long before they found time to visit me. The door opened and two men pulled me to my feet. They stood behind me holding my arms and the skeleton man stood in front. He reached out calmly and took my bandaged arm ripping off the cloth and inspecting the still tender slashes carefully. If he was truly Xuman he knew what they were, what they meant.

  Still holding my arm he started talking to me. He was surprisingly calm this time, but then again I was cornered. I tried to pull my arm back but he held it tight; rubbing his thumb over the wounds, irritating them. He stepped in closer still speaking; his breath smelled like bad meat, I shook my head at him not understanding a single movement of his lips. His hand on my arm tightened and pressed painfully into the scratches, his thumbnail digging until he drew blood and I gasped. He dropped it frustrated and the man behind me took it again.

  The skeleton man spun around and paced the room, glancing over at me often enough for me to realize he was still speaking. I kept shaking my head, confused, trying to make him understand, not that it would help. I opened my mouth to try and speak the words that might make him get it, but he rounded on me suddenly and backhanded me across the mouth. My head snapped to the side the acrid taste of blood on my tongue.

  He questioned me relentlessly for hours, yelling in my face, hitting me and causing a hundred little pains in a hundred different ways, never giving me the chance to explain I couldn’t even hear his questions. He grabbed my hair, forced me to my knees leaving me there on the cold hard floor while he paced and yelled; his men went down with me, holding my arms. His foot connected with my ribs sending me sprawling on the ground. His dagger cut a thin line along my neck that dripped slowly and sticky into my gown that I still wore under my skirt. Once he slammed me into a wall jarring every bone in my body. There was no time to be scared, no time to brace for the blow. One minute he would be standing there, the next I would be bruised or bleeding from some unknown place on my body.

  I stopped trying to tell him anything. It was pointless. I just wanted to get this part over with so I could concentrate on getting out. He left once and came back with a chair, I was almost grateful when he put me in it and tied me down. I was tired and dizzy from abuse.

  My head was wrenched back and they tied a towel around my jaw between my teeth. Men came in carrying buckets of water. I couldn’t even begin to think of what they were going to use that for. Bear was right; I was sheltered from the cruelty of men. The skeleton man sat down on my lap, straddling me, he bent forward and spoke in my ear, his breath sickeningly hot. I stilled waiting for whatever blow was coming. To my surprise he got up calmly. Before I could wonder what his trick was this time someone poured a bucket of water down my throat.

  I couldn’t breathe, there was too much water. I kept gasping and choking, trying to keep the water out of my lungs but it was too much. I was drowning and there was nothing I could do to save myself. The water stopped and I lurched forward coughing and gasping, breathing so hard even my stomach hurt and my vision swam. I shook my head mindless trying to clear it and my head was pulled back again. I screamed when the water hit this time, everything from the waist up blared with pain…so much pain. I tried shaking my head making it harder for him but they only locked my head down so I couldn’t move.

  They drowned me three more times that I remember. I passed out at one point and woke in that absolute dark of a windowless room at night when even the lanterns outside the door had been extinguished. I was still tied to the chair and the towel was still holding my mouth open. I heaved forward, pulling the binds on my wrists, coughing. My whole body ached with each spasm and I smelled the strong ammonia of urine. I must have peed myself at some point. Aching and exhausted I fell into a fitful sleep.

  Sixteen

  Bear was crouched in front of me, peering into my eyes with his hands on my knees. Rinald cried diamond tears behind him.

  ‘Bear,’ I thought, the idea rippling away like drops on still water.

  ‘I haven’t left you, Paige,’ he told me.

  ‘But there’s a hole. I feel the hole. The place where you’ve always been is gone.’

  ‘Because I’m inside you now.’

  ‘They killed him Bear. They killed him and I couldn’t save him. I couldn’t save you. How am I going to live without both of you?’ I sobbed.

  ‘How does a panther fight, Paige?’

  ‘I can’t do it. They’re stronger than me. I have to get to Stone. I can’t leave him out there like that,’ I went on incoherently.

  ‘Paige, look at me. How does a panther fight?’

  ‘They—they claw and bite.’

  ‘What else?’

  ‘They stalk and pounce.’

  ‘When are they strongest?’

  ‘When cornered.’

  ‘The worst is coming. Remember your spirit.’ He took my arm out of the binds and the scratches burned like fire making me scream from the sudden intensity. I watched as the face of a panther was burned into me over the mark it had left. Yellow flames danced on my skin making it boil. It faded as fast as it started taking my breath away with relief. ‘We’ll be here. When you are not strong enough, I will be you.’

  ‘Bear don’t go. Not again.’

  ‘I’m here, always. We’re twins. Nothing can separate us, not even death.’ He stood up and Rinald came forward. He opened his hand holding the acorn I had planted in his palm and bent down gently kissing my forehead.

  ‘You have work to do, Paige. Remember your promise to Stone,’ Bear said and they were gone, faded away to nothingness.

  I woke crying. I’m not even sure why anymore. It was like I felt everything at once. I was relieved to feel Bear strong inside me; terrified of where I was, grateful for the gift of the dream, angry because I couldn’t save them, but mostly, I felt sorrow. I felt such a deep and un-abiding sorrow. Stone did not visit me in the night. I didn’t get to say good bye. Then I felt like I betrayed Bear because I was more upset that I didn’t see Stone than I was happy that I did see Bear. I was a pathetic mess, bound to a chair, gagged, and crying because I wasn’t happier to dream of my brother.

  Always the ghosts of those I loved had followed me, why didn’t Stone come? Why weren’t his eyes haunting me like the others? I would give anything to see his face again, even if only in a dream. To have even the vision of him gone in death was so complete it broke my heart over again every second.

  The door opened and the men came in, different ones from the day before but still the skeleton man in charge. They removed all my binds and I brought my hands into my lap rubbing my wrists. Stretching my sore tired jaw I looked down to inspect the bruising and startled badly. There was a burn scar over my scratches that looked like a panther head. It was rough and stylized but it was there, clear as day, a panther with its mouth open defiantly, the scratches marrin
g one cheek and eye.

  Before I could hide my reaction, the skeleton man pulled my arm roughly; bringing me half out of the chair, inspecting this new inexplicable change. After ruthlessly pressing on it and finding the wound burned closed, he looked up at me with a sick triumphant smile like he had just learned something important about me. All I could do was glare at him, and then it began again.

  My arms were tied in front of me and fastened to a rope that was strung over one of the beams in the ceiling. I became a puppet for their sick amusement. They beat me and whipped me tearing my thin gown. I just hung there and took it trying to black out again. There was nothing I could tell him, no answers to his questions that I didn’t even understand, no insights. Locked in pain I was as mute as I was deaf. Could I have communicated with him on any level I would have told him anything he wanted, any detail of my life that was possible for me to remember. Hell, I would have made things up if I thought it would have helped.

  When they brought in the red hot pokers I broke my silence. It didn’t take much imagination to understand what they were about to do. I saw the sick smiles of children at play burning ants on their faces and I started shaking my head vigorously.

  “No!” I screamed feeling the rough pain in my throat. “Please, no!”

  The skeleton man held a poker in his hand casually and loomed in front speaking. He cocked his head to one side and watched me with mild interest. “No, please!” I pleaded. “No, no---AAAAH” I screamed as he took my bare foot in his hand and seared the bottom of it. I never thought anything could hurt so badly. I screamed and cried and tried to kick away, only making the burn that much deeper. I shuddered when he let me go, trying to keep my weight on my other foot. Of course that was too good for him. Someone lowered the ropes so I had no support and he lifted my good leg forcing all my weight on my burned foot. I bit my lip in grim determination not to pass out, though the blackness would have been a blessing.