Silent Heart

by Susan Simone

  I remember only odd flashes of that time. Stone lifting tea to my lips and coaxing me to eat. Stone changing my bandages while he thought I was asleep so I wouldn’t be scared. Stone putting a cool cloth on my head when my fever spiked. And Stone kissing my fingers when I was too delirious on willow bark tea to feel that dead weight that screamed I didn’t want to be touched. Always Stone.

  The nightmares were the worst. They were so real I could feel each injury as it was dealt out, each blow to my flesh, each burn and kick and lash like it was happening all over again. I could feel them moving inside of me like monstrous eels. I would wake thrashing and screaming in mindless terror. Stone would have to hold me down before I injured one or both of us. He would lock me against his body, pinioning my arms into his chest, and hold me until I calmed down. I would sob when the screaming faded and he would rock me, never letting go, until I was asleep.

  I woke once and watched him sitting in a circle of weapons, blades mostly, gleaming in the sunlight that was low enough to stream in the little cave. He meticulously inspected, cleaned, and sharpened each edge like it was a priceless jewel. He never seemed satisfied, frowning and running the stone over the blade again and again. I shifted painfully and he was at my side the weapons forgotten. He reached for my hand absentmindedly and I pulled away. He shifted away from me but didn’t let me see the pain I knew was in his eyes.

  ‘Are you okay?’ he asked.

  ‘Just trying to move.’

  ‘Let me help,’ he said but didn’t move. He waited perfectly still until I reached out to him. It was okay if I touched him; if I started it then it wasn’t scary. He shifted me effortlessly and I was asleep again soon after.

  The next time I woke, Basil was packed and saddled nosing at some apples in the feed bucket; Stone was standing at the threshold staring out into the coming night. Something was wrong. I kept feeling Bear and Rinald on either side of me pulling my arms, coaxing me awake and alert. He didn’t hear me shifting and fighting to get up, his focus was elsewhere. I really didn’t have the strength but something told me I had to get to my feet, I had to move now or something terrible was going to happen.

  I gasped as I put my weight on my bad foot; the pain jolting up through my whole leg, my ribs and back screaming at the sudden shift from rest to activity. I think I groaned. I made some sort of noise anyway because Stone turned around suddenly. It was amazing how fast he could move. I barely registered that he had seen me before he whisked me into his arms. He sat me down on the bed and loomed over me in a very bad imitation of menace. He could never be stern with me.

  ‘What do you think you’re doing?’

  ‘I had to get up,’ I looked at him blankly.

  ‘You’re not ready to walk.’

  ‘Something’s wrong.’

  ‘What is it? Are you okay?’ his brow furrowed in concern and he sat down next to me.

  ‘I don’t know. Why is Basil saddled?’ He took a deep breath and nodded like he had made some kind of decision.

  ‘I have to leave,’ he said pulling a dagger out of his belt and putting it in my hand. I looked at him panicked. ‘Just for a bit. I’ll only be gone a day.’

  ‘Why? Where are you going?’

  ‘I have some unfinished business to attend to.’

  ‘What unfinished business? I’ll be ready to travel soon and we’ll get to Evard—.’

  ‘I need to do this first.’

  ‘Do what?’

  ‘It’s not your concern right now. Right now you need to rest and heal. We’ll talk about leaving when I get back.’ The blades laid out in a circle around him flashed in my mind and I realized what I hadn’t realized before. He was preparing for battle. I grabbed his jerkin as hard as I could, forcing him to face me.

  ‘Where are you going and don’t you dare lie to me!’ I demanded. ‘Look me in the eye and tell me what you plan on doing.’ He startled for a second before he gently put his hands on mine, stilling them.

  ‘They will not get away with what they did.’

  ‘No. Stone. You can’t. You can’t go back there.’

  ‘I have to. Honor demands it.’

  ‘Whose honor? Honor is not worth dying for!’

  ‘Your honor is worth that and more.’

  ‘There is nothing wrong with my honor! I never had much to begin with. You’re not going. I won’t let you.’

  ‘You can’t stop me.’

  ‘Please don’t do this. They’re not worth it. Just forget them.’

  ‘I can’t believe you’re saying this. Paige, they tortured you. Violated you. I’m legally allowed to kill them for this. And for lack of your family, it’s my duty.’

  ‘Is that what this is about?’

  ‘You know it is.’

  ‘But they didn’t,’ I gulped and stumbled over the words, ‘violate me.’ I lied forgetting I had told him lost in a drugged haze. ‘So you don’t have to go. It’s alright.’

  ‘Paige, you told me.’

  ‘I told you? When?’

  ‘That first night. You told me everything.’

  ‘That first night! I was delirious! You can’t believe anything I said then, I’m lucky I remembered my own name!’ He rounded on me so fast I near jumped out of my skin and pushed the tails of his shirt up revealing my leg.

  ‘Then what are these?’ he demanded pointing to the bruises on the insides of my thighs. ‘I’ve seen these before. I know what they are. You didn’t need to tell me, I already knew, not to mention the pools of refuse you were lying in when I found you. Men know what it looks and smells like. I’ve been championing for Evard for ten years now. I’ve had to arrest and or execute more rapists than I can count. I know the signs. You can’t hide that from me. It’s all over your actions, your nightmares, and your body. Lying to me now is not going to erase the truth.’

  ‘You can’t go.’

  ‘Why?!’

  ‘Because I can’t lose you! Not again.’

  ‘Paige—.’

  ‘I thought you were dead. I saw them hit you twice. I saw the light go out of your eyes and your body go limp and I thought they murdered you. Don’t you understand? I died that day. Something in me broke believing you were dead and it still hasn’t come back. If you go there you’ll die. They’re ruthless, evil monsters and I can’t live with the thought that you died for my stupid honor!’ I was crying and so angry and so scared. I put my hand on his face pleading with him. ‘Please don’t go.’ He pulled me into his lap before I could protest and held me so tight it almost hurt my healing ribs, tears falling down his own face.

  ‘How, Paige? How do I let them live knowing what they did to you? How do I let them keep breathing?’

  ‘The same way I do. Believe that you’ll have another chance.’ I put my cheek over his heart feeling the steady thump-thump against those delicate bones in my face as an affirmation that he really was alive and breathing. He held me most of the night, but I was not foolish enough to believe that all thoughts of revenge were gone. Someday he’d go after them and he wouldn’t stop until they were all dead.

  The vomiting started the next day. I woke up with this heavy tight feeling in my gut, whatever was left over in there from the night before churning. Groaning, I rolled over gripping my stomach; straining several other weakened muscles in the process. Stone walked over to check on me and I threw up on his boots before he could even inquire. Embarrassed I rolled on my back covering my face.

  If he tried to get my attention I didn’t see it, though I probably would have just ignored him if I did. The foul smell of what had been in my stomach filled the room and slowly faded as he cleaned up the mess. I almost fell asleep again but he put a cup of tea in my hand and helped me up.

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Are you alright?’

  ‘Yes. Sorry about your boots.’

  ‘They’re travel boots,’ he waved dismissively. ‘Meant to get dirty. Are you getting sick?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Wha
t do you think it was?’

  ‘Bad mushrooms last night. They always make me sick.’

  ‘If they make you sick why do you eat them?’

  ‘I love mushrooms. They’re my favorite.’ He chuckled and sat down with a knife and long piece of wood. ‘There’s a bucket if you need it. I was going to leave soon but I think we’ll wait a few more days.’ I nodded and collapsed back to sleep.

  I threw up almost every meal for the next several days. Curse those damn mushrooms. Something that could make you so sick had no business tasting so good. It wasn’t long before I was weak again because I couldn’t hold anything down. Stone made me broth and tea and coaxed me to eat what I could. He cleaned the bucket and anything else I managed to mess. Trying to aim late at night when your whole body hurts and you can’t move very fast is not easy. He was a saint, didn’t complain once, just did what needed doing and carved at his stick.

  He watched me though. Every spare second his worried eyes were on me, some new nightmare working its way in his head. I could imagine what he thought. A woman raped repeatedly showing no signs of her cycle suddenly sick to her stomach and tired. It was an easy conclusion to jump to, though I wouldn’t let my mind go there. It was the mushrooms. That was all.

  I threw up what little lunch we had, cursing mushrooms and holding my ribs. I couldn’t take much more of this. How many times would my body be set back before it killed me? I was sweaty with the pain and wiped futilely at my brow. After cleaning, Stone came over and sat by me. He had stopped trying to take my hand, instead waiting for me to come to him. I’m not sure he understood how hard that was but I was also guiltily grateful that he wasn’t reaching for me.

  ‘How are you doing?’ he asked handing me a water skin.

  ‘Oh God I hurt. Can you make me a cup of willow bark?’

  ‘I don’t think you should be drinking that right now.’

  ‘Why? It works great and I haven’t had any in days.’

  ‘I don’t think it’s good for you.’

  ‘I’m too tired to argue. Do we have anything else?’

  ‘Nothing I can give you. I’m afraid you’ll have to tough this out.’

  ‘Now I’m curious. What is going on in your head?’

  ‘Paige you’ve been throwing up for days.’

  ‘Bad mushrooms. I told you. They always make me sick.’

  ‘For this long?’

  ‘No, not normally this long but I’m kind of weakened at the moment. What are you getting at? Just say it. Get if off your chest.’

  ‘You know what I’m getting at.’

  ‘I’m not pregnant. I told you, mushrooms.’

  ‘Have you ever been pregnant?’

  ‘No, of course not.’

  ‘Then how would you know?’

  ‘I just do. Anyway you’re a man, how would you know?’

  ‘A smart man learns about these things.’

  ‘Yeah well it’s my body and I’m telling you.’

  ‘When is your cycle supposed to come?’

  ‘I don’t know. It was never very regular and I’ve lost all count of the days since we left.’

  ‘So it could be past time.’

  ‘It could, but that doesn’t mean anything with me.’

  ‘Paige, look at me. Denial isn’t going to change the truth. We should be prepared for that possibility.’

  ‘Prepared how? How do you prepare for something like that?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ he admitted hanging his head. ‘I’m worried, alright?’ I took his hand tentatively.

  ‘Mushrooms. I promise.’

  ‘I hope you’re right.’ He reached out to brush some hair from my face and I flinched before I could remember that I had taken his hand, I had initiated it. He dropped his head and drew away from me returning to his carving. Why did I have to be so frigid? Why did I have to hurt him so?

  ‘A baby,’ I stared at the ceiling stretching my hands over my stomach. Oh God what was I going to do with a baby? I couldn’t raise a baby on my own. I couldn’t hear it cry or call for help. And—and to carry their seed. I wanted to die. I still refused to believe I was pregnant but now he had me thinking about it. Would this nightmare ever end!? Would I ever be normal again? Would I ever be able to stand his hands on me? It was possible that without a baby I could someday heal and maybe if he was still my friend and not married things might be different. But a baby changed all that. Everyone would know I was damaged and there was no way he could court me in that condition. He would never look at me the same again even if he could now, which I wasn’t convinced of. Please God, no more! I can’t take anymore!

  Nineteen

  ‘Stone, do you still see me the same way?’ I asked while he leaned over me inspecting our stores in the wall.

  ‘Of course I do,’ he said absently, counting packets of herbs to himself.

  ‘Seriously.’ He stopped what he was doing and sat down next to me.

  ‘I’ve never lied to you. Of course I see you the same. Why do you ask?’

  ‘Because I can’t see myself the same.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I look at my hands and it’s like I can see this black stain on them. I feel like what they did to me is visible to everyone, like they can see this black mark on me.’

  ‘I never knew a woman yet who didn’t feel the same after an attack like that,’ he sighed. ‘Trust me, no one will ever know unless you tell them.’

  ‘But you knew.’

  ‘I’m different. I’ve seen a bit too much.’

  ‘It must be a terrible weight to carry such knowledge.’

  ‘Sometimes I wish I could forget,’ he half smiled.

  ‘I feel damaged somehow and I don’t understand why you’re still by my side.’

  ‘Paige…’ he ran his hand down my face. I took it and put it back on his lap gingerly. The expression on his face killed me. I wanted to snuggle up in his arms forever, I wanted to kiss him and feel his lips on my skin….but I couldn’t. I just kept remembering what it felt like to have their hands on me and their bodies inside me and even Stone’s safe presence was too much. I could close my eyes and feel them on top of me. I didn’t ever want to be touched again, not by Stone, not by any man.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said looking in his eyes.

  ‘Don’t apologize.’

  ‘Maybe you should think about finding someone else.’

  ‘Is that what you want?’

  ‘I can’t give you what you need.’

  ‘And what is it you think I need?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Then why do you think you can’t give it.’

  ‘Because I want you to touch me…but every time you do something in me shuts down. I’m dead inside. You deserve more.’

  ‘You need time, Paige, that’s all. Take all the time you need. I’ll be here when you’re ready.’

  ‘What if I’m never ready?’

  ‘Then I’ll ask to be buried next to you,’ he half smiled.

  ‘Stone I know it hurts you. I see your eyes, but I can’t…I can’t fix it.’

  ‘Yes it hurts. Is that what you want to see? That I want to die every time I see what they did to you. That I know it’s my fault. I couldn’t keep you safe. You want to see all the accusations I scream at myself every day?’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘It’s not your fault!’ he gestured viciously.

  ‘You deserve someone that can make you happy.’

  ‘You want me to give up on you? Fine! But make sure you understand it’s because you’re being a coward and not because of some misguided attempt to think of my needs first!’

  ‘Stone—.’

  ‘Fold your hands, Paige,’ and he stormed out standing at the threshold holding his face in his hand. I sat there on the bed and watched him. My heart broke; I wanted to go to him so badly but whatever was broken inside of me refused to let my legs work. This was for the best. I was too damaged to be good for him. I wanted him to
have love and a family and all the things he fought to protect every day. I laid down and slept, unable to do anything else. I could never be sure but I thought I caught him holding my hand while I slept.

  I dreamed of him that night. I dreamed I was running through the wastelands, lost, looking for him. The sky was black and starless and the razor sharp grasses shone greasy with blood in a light source I couldn’t find. It was as if they were glowing in the night, beckoning to the lost souls.

  Stone’s body lay prone and limp on the ground, the grasses cutting him into a thousand pieces. I ran to him and gathered him in my arms; kissing his face over and over, trying to wake him up, but he was gone. Lost to me. I felt the grief as I had that day we rode away from his body, sure he was dead; cutting me like a knife, gouging out my heart and soul. I could live with him loving someone else, it would hurt, but I could live with that especially knowing I couldn’t bear his touch, but I couldn’t live with him dead. That was too much to ask.

  ‘Why?’ I gestured wildly into the night. ‘Why?! Why him? Oh my Stone, my sweet strong Stone.’

  ‘He is lost to you,’ Bear said. He hadn’t been standing there before.

  ‘How did he die?’

  ‘Broken heart.’

  ‘I killed him,’ I said with dread, realizing it was my fault. Oh God I killed him! I loved him, I didn’t want him to die, I just wanted him to be happy. ‘Oh my sweet Stone I’m so sorry! Please God, spare him!’

  ‘It doesn’t have to be this way. All he needs is hope.’ Bear was gone in an instant, no fading away, no goodbye, just gone.

  ‘Oh Stone, I love you,’ I cried and laid my head on his still chest. ‘I love you.’

  I woke crying, the morning sun dappling gold on Stone as he strung cord through soft skins. For the first time since I met him he ignored my tears. My dream came back to me with frightening clarity and I wanted to fling myself across the room into his arms, grateful he was alive. His forced indifference broke my heart into so many pieces I thought I might never be whole again, even if he were to take me in his arms right that second declaring it was all a silly fight and he didn’t mean it. But I was the one that hurt him. He was right, I was a coward and I had pushed him away because of my own fear.