Defenseless Hearts

by Meagan Brandy

  “Parker!” Austin, one of my teammates, walks up with a couple of other guys, smacking my shoulder as he steps past me. “Where do you want the keg?”

  And I just stand there as they begin to shuffle inside, the giggling girls following behind.

  I should tell them this isn’t the place, that the setup inside the house, the lights and food and music, is all for a girl who never showed.

  But I don’t. Instead of turning them away and having a pity party of one, I pull a fake smile for the people who continue to walk up, thanking Austin as he pops back up with a red Solo cup in hand for me.

  These people, they need something I can give them, unlike Kenra.

  I’ve never been the partier—I prefer to keep to myself really—but from tonight forward, I’ll give them what they need.

  I pull out my phone and take a quick picture of the entryway full of dangling lights, lost hope, and eager teenagers. I post the picture to Facebook, letting everyone know where the party is.

  Tonight, I’m getting plastered, anything to erase the mental image I’ve cooked up of Kenra dancing in Kellan’s arms.

  “So, what’s up, Ken?” Ari asks, smiling at the waitress as she sets down our drinks. “Tell me all about the hustle and bustle of this lush life you’re living. Has Kellan’s campaign started yet?”

  I lose myself a little more in another little lie. “It’s busy but in the best way. Kellan is really dedicated and hopes to make some positive changes in the community. He—”

  “Seriously?” Cam interjects, her straw between her teeth.

  My eyes fly to her.

  “Cameron—” Ari starts.

  Cameron rolls her eyes. “Uh, no.” She sits forward, crossing her arms. “I’ve known you forever, Kenra, been going on your guys’ family vacays since before I could fucking walk. Don’t feed me this politician’s wife’s bullshit answers.”

  I freeze a moment, looking between the two.

  My shoulders sag, and instantly, my eyes start to water.

  She’s right.

  God. I can’t be real with anyone anymore.

  “Busy. Life-consuming and … fake.” I sniffle, smiling at Ari when she reaches across the table to grab my arm. “But at least I have Kellan there at the end of the day,” I lie, trying to smooth out my confession some without giving to much.

  “Yeah.” Ari nods, the pinch of her eyes telling me she doesn’t by my little cover up in any way. “I didn’t think it was all that glamorous. I mean, you ordered salad and water, hold the dressing. That sucks,” Ari teases, knowing I won’t go in to detail on the topic.

  I find myself relaxing some.

  “Since you haven’t been checking messages,” Ari tactfully shifts the subject and I’m grateful for it. “Did you hear Brady’s parents’ put their beach house in all our names as a graduation gift?”

  My eyes widen. “I didn’t. That’s some gift.”

  “I know!” Ari squeals, excited. “It’s insane! Our parents said they wanted to make sure we stayed close, and sometimes, college can drive wedges between people, so they banned together and bought into it to ensure we all have a common place to land. I guess Mr. Lancaster, Brady’s dad, suggested their place since it’s the largest and the rest agreed so they divided it equally between us.”

  “So, will you live here and commute to Avix?”

  “Nah.” Cameron waves her hand. “We’re three hours away, and our dorms are already paid for. The boys are on scholarships for football, so we’re gonna play full-on college kids and get fucked up and do stupid shit.”

  “Ha! Fat chance! Mason’s gonna have you on lockdown.” Ari laughs.

  “Girl, I wish he would. In fact, I dream he would. Tie me up, tie me down, bend me over. I want it all from that man.” Cameron smirks.

  Both Ari and I grimace at the thought, and Cameron laughs. “What? Like you don’t want all Chase would give.” She points to Ari.

  It’s common knowledge that Cameron has feelings for Mason and has since they were little, but he pretends he sees her as a little sister when we all know that’s crap. He cares for her just the same.

  And Ari and Chase have tiptoed around each other for years, but no one in their little group dares say that out loud, not with how protective Mason can be.

  “That’s the problem. Chase won’t give me anything because he’s too loyal to Mason. Mason is his best friend. I’m just his best friend’s sister.”

  “That’s bullshit, and you know it,” Cam quips. “He’ll give in eventually. You’ve just gotta give him a little push.” She turns to me, playfully narrowing her eyes. “And I’ve got my suspicions about you, Miss Prim and Proper and I Wear Cardigans in the Summer. There’s a freak under all those layers; I can sense it.”

  Instantly, I grow self-conscious and tuck my hands under the table to pull at my sleeves.

  There’s a freak under here all right but not the kind anyone would want to find.

  The kind you hide.

  “Oh, Ari!” Cam starts, and the conversation is quickly taken over by gossip.

  An hour later, we pull up to the beach house. The girls walk around the side, but I head in through the front, so I can put my things away.

  When I walk into the kitchen, Lolli glances up from cutting some watermelon, offering a small smile. “Everyone’s out back. I think they’re gettin’ set to head back to the water for a bit before it starts getting cold.”

  I nod, glancing at the group through the floor-to-ceiling glass that makes up the back wall of the house.

  “Do you want to borrow something to wear?” she asks, not looking at me. “I have some suits that have tags still, so it wouldn’t be weird, if that kind of thing grosses you out.”

  “I … no, but thank you.” I pull at my sleeves.

  Lolli starts to nod but sighs instead and drops her knife in the sink with a bit more force than necessary. I eye her for a minute as she hastily cleans her mess, tossing the fresh fruit in a bowl. She picks it up and is set to walk around the counter but instead drops it and spins to me with a pinched expression.

  “This is one of those times where I should really shut my mouth, but I’ve never been real good at that. I’ll probably get in mad trouble for this—from both boys—but I just …” She trails off, her gaze narrowing. “Why did you come here, Kenra?”

  “I brought his sister here,” I answer quickly. “She needed my help, and I wasn’t about to leave her to figure it out on her own.”

  Lolli stares at me with a blank expression. “I know we haven’t gotten to hang much, and I’m sure, under normal circumstances, things would be different, but I don’t like stupid shit. You and I both know you could have dropped Payton at the door or gotten her a plane ticket, sent him a text, something. But you didn’t. You came here, and you stayed. I know you two have unfinished business.”

  I freeze, panic running through me as I dig my nails into my palms. “Excuse me?”

  “I don’t know everything,” Lolli admits. “But I know enough to be concerned. You trip him up. Bad. Your relationship isn’t mine to understand; only the two of you know what this thing between you really feels like, but you have to know you’ll knock him on his ass this time around. And if you do, be prepared for someone else to step in and catch him as he falls.”

  My chest grows tight as I watch moisture build in her eyes.

  “I need you to figure out what you honestly hope to gain from all this before you leave. Then, either stay away or only come back if he asks.”

  I start to shake my head, ready to argue without a leg to stand on, but she lifts her bowl and walks closer to me, so I stay quiet.

  “I don’t want to hate you, Kenra,” she whispers when she reaches me, and tears cloud both our eyes. “And Nate would be real disappointed if I did. Make up your mind on how things end. If not for your own sake, then for Parker’s.”

  With that, she wipes her eyes, squeezes my bicep for a second, and then heads out the door.

 
; And I’m left staring in the kitchen of the man I can never have but can’t figure out how to let go of.

  But she’s right. I know she is.

  It’s not fair to keep coming back like this.

  He didn’t have to open the door for me at any point over the last four years, but he did. Every damn time. And, every time, I left him, knowing he needed more from me.

  And this time will be no different.

  When the sting hits, I look to my palms. Fresh blood sneaks from the crescent shapes of my perfectly manicured fingernails that broke through the skin, and a saddened chuckle escapes me.

  Even my scars are perfect.

  Slowly, I turn to look out the back door. The second my eyes find him, his lift, locking on to mine.

  Deep creases form instantly at the edges of his beautiful blues. A soft blue I wish I could get lost in.

  He sees it. The inevitable.

  I should leave now and get back before Kellan starts asking questions.

  I should leave.

  Parker shifts to stand and pulls open the sliding door.

  He stares into me, his chest inflating with his deep, sorrowful breath as he places his hand out, silently asking me not to go yet.

  My nose starts to tingle as I fight back tears.

  I know the right thing to do, but I do the opposite and place my palm in his.

  My heart constricts in my chest as his hand squeezes mine, and he pulls me through the door, gently ushering me toward the patio chairs to join Payton and Lolli.

  When I break eye contact with him, I spot Nate staring with a frown. He looks pointedly from Parker to me and tips his chin in question.

  I give a small shake of my head, and he lifts a hand to rub at his chin before looking away.

  I used to be a girl I could be proud of. I used to be honest and kind, and I used to love.

  Now, I’m a liar. Selfish and weak.

  It’s okay if Lolli grows to hate me. It’s okay if they all do.

  Because no one could possibly hate me as much as I hate myself.

  The moment I drop onto the cushion, Mason turns his attention to me. “So, where’s your fiancé, Ken? Busy saving the world one charity at a time?”

  I feel all eyes slide to me, and I force my practiced neutral expression. “He is campaigning, yes. He’s in Colorado right now, strategizing.”

  When Payton scoffs into her cup, my eyes fly to her, and she looks up, mouthing, Sorry, before cutting her eyes around the group.

  “That’s cool, I guess.” He nods but narrows his eyes on me. “That leaves you alone a lot, doesn’t it?”

  “Yeah, sometimes, but I also go with him every few trips.”

  Kellan says he needs people to see how important having his loved ones near is to him.

  “So, how come you don’t come stay with us at the beach house the rest of the summer? Or with your parents?” He frowns. “I don’t like you being by yourself.”

  “Mase, leave her alone. She has a new life there that she can’t just leave whenever she wants,” Ari defends.

  “And she’s in the middle of planning a wedding,” Cameron adds.

  The muscles around my heart tighten along with the invisible leash around my neck.

  “How’s that going, by the way?” Cam turns back to me.

  I force my eyes not to look his way, but I do look at Payton, who frowns at the girls, shakes her head, and keeps eating.

  I turn back to Ari and Cameron’s gleeful faces. “I … well, you girls got the invitation. It’s at the fanciest resort in Hawaii.”

  Cameron laughs. “Yeah, but tell me about the dress and the hair, flowers …”

  “I, uh, don’t really have all the details. The resort is handling everything.”

  Both girls frown instantly, and I notice Parker walking off in my peripheral. My heart sinks a little more.

  I get it, the looks they’re giving me. As a child, I was the girl who dressed up in every gown and heel her mother owned and picked from the planter I wasn’t supposed to touch to make the perfect bouquet. I’d beg for bridal magazines and scrapbook everything for future reference.

  I wanted the veil and the roses petals and the most amazing of grooms.

  I’ll have a veil, but it might as well be black.

  I’ll have rose petals, but all I’ll see is blood stains I can’t erase.

  And the groom, he’ll be waiting at the altar with the heaviest of chains and a keyless lock.

  My wedding day will be the day I say good-bye to myself completely.

  “While this is fascinating in the most unfascinating of ways—no offense, Kenra, baby,” Brady teases, “I say it’s time for a quick round. Who’s in?”

  Everyone but Payton and me follows him inside.

  “I don’t get you, Kenra.” Payton shakes her head. “I really don’t.”

  I don’t respond but move to go look for Parker, finding him a few dozen feet off the shoreline.

  For a few minutes, we both say nothing, staring out at the midnight ocean.

  As dark and daunting as it appears, it’s also welcoming, offering the promises of a home inside its unforgiving waves. A place free of shame and disappointment.

  All you have to do is hand yourself over, and it’ll welcome you with open arms.

  “Why do you stay?” Parker whispers into the darkness, and I lower myself to sit on the log beside him. “I’ve racked my brain a thousand times, trying to understand it, trying to see through your eyes, and I can’t. If anything, I imagine things are even darker from where you stand. I know you walk around, pretending everything is fine, acting like you’re happy, and for a long time, I believed it, believed you wanted him instead of me. I thought marrying him is what you wanted, but I … I see the defeat in your eyes, Kenra. I feel it every time I look at you.” He shifts toward me, but I can’t bring myself to meet his gaze. “So, what’s it really about? What does he do for you that keeps you there? Is it because you love him?”

  At that, my eyes fly to his.

  “It’s ok, Kenra, you can tell me. Please tell me. I just want … I need to know. I need you to tell me you’re happy and in love with the man you’ve chosen to marry because I’m not seeing it.”

  Tears fill my eyes for what seems like the hundredth time since I arrived. All I’ve done since I’ve been here is cry and ache and wish for things that can never be.

  Why do I stay? What a loaded question with so many answers, none of which I can share with him.

  I wish I could. I want to tell him every last thing there is to tell. Hear him say that none of it matters, that we’re worth more than the aftermath that would follow should he and I get together. But the risk is too high and the reasons too many.

  So, I do what I do best, something that won’t shock him in the slightest, as sad as it might be.

  I stand and walk away.

  Truth is, once upon a time, I thought I loved Kellan.

  And it was the saddest, most demeaning few minutes of my life.

  One Year Ago

  Parker laughs loudly as I squeal and dive for my inner tube.

  “It is so not funny, Baylor!” I shout through my fit of laughter, all while being equally freaked out.

  “Oh, it’s funny.” He grins, running his hand through his dirty-blond hair.

  “There was a fish sucking on my toe! That’s scary! And disgusting!” I whine, and he laughs harder. “You know what? Screw it.”

  I hop off quickly and flip Parker’s inner tube over, so he splashes into the water. We’ve been floating for two hours now and are coming up to the first bend of the river that lines my house.

  He pops up, and I see the mischief in his blue eyes.

  I ditch my inner tube and start for the edge of the water, but before I can climb out, he wraps his arms around my middle and pulls me back into the water, bending at the knee to submerge us to our shoulders.

  I start squealing, and he laughs into my neck. It only takes a second for my voice to die
down and the feeling of his arms around me to set in. I glance over my shoulder, locking eyes with him.

  The left corner of his mouth tips up slowly, and he shifts me so I’m cradled in his arms.

  “Not afraid of the fish anymore, Kens?” he whispers, and his gaze drops to my mouth.

  Heat makes its way across my skin as his eyes continue to shift between mine and my lips.

  “You’re damn beautiful, Kenra.”

  I blush and look down with a smile. “I’m a soaking mess.”

  He lifts my gaze with a finger under my chin. “You’re perfect. Inside and out.”

  I stare at him, my body somehow shifting closer to his without permission. “Thank you, Parker.”

  When his fingers twitch against my skin and his head lowers the smallest of fractions, I breathe, “We should go. I … have plans with Kellan for dinner.”

  He stares back a moment before he licks his lips and looks away, depositing me back on the ground. “Right, yeah. This is about where we parked the other ATV, right?”

  I clear my throat, nodding. “Yeah, I’ll grab the rafts and—”

  “I’ll grab the rafts. You climb out and fire that baby up.”

  I nod and make my way out of the water. “Hey, Parker?” I turn back, finding he’s already staring after me. “I’m sorry I bailed on you the night of the dance. Things with Kellan are—”

  “Don’t sweat it, Kens.” He gives a half smile, one that doesn’t quite meet his eyes, but his words are genuine. “I’m glad you called me today.”

  I smile back and head up the hill.

  After we get everything put away, I run inside to change, dropping my wet swimsuit over the porch railing on my way back to my car, then I drop Parker off at home.

  I knew my parents and brother would be gone for the weekend at some football camp a few towns over, so I wanted to have some fun with my friend. I haven’t been brave enough to show up at his door since that night a few months ago, but I’m getting ready to leave for the summer, heading to California to jack around with my cousins before I have to come back here and decide what to do with my life now that I’ve graduated.

  And since my dad and Nate don’t exactly know about my friendship with Parker—of course, my mom knows some—I thought today would be the perfect day to float.