If I Die Before I Wake

by Emily Koch

  ‘It was two years after Abigail,’ he said. ‘Heartbreak, I told the coroner. Don’t say it was just “suicide”. It was heartbreak.’

  ‘I’m so sorry. Losing your daughter – I …’ She faltered. ‘But it wasn’t Alex’s fault.’

  Cameron’s tone changed abruptly. He snapped back to the room, and snarled at her. ‘He. Killed. Them.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Abigail Conway. You remember?’ he shouted.

  ‘Yes I do,’ Bea said sadly. She paused and I felt the weight of her body against my legs as she sat on the bed. ‘But Conway. That’s not your name.’

  ‘New life, new identity.’

  ‘We did everything for her. I’m so sorry.’

  ‘She drowned when he should’ve been watching her.’

  ‘It all happened so quickly.’

  ‘I never got to say goodbye. When I saw her in the hospital, she was blue. Her hair was tangled around her.’

  I thought about the day after Abigail died, when Cameron – we knew him as Harry Conway – had shown up at Bow Camp, drunk. Shouting. The management kept me away from him, but his voice echoed around the camp premises. I remembered his English accent – unusual for a local parent. Another counsellor told me his story: how he had left London to be with his girlfriend in Alberta, set up home with her there.

  ‘He had to pay, don’t you see?’ Cameron said. ‘I did what any father would have done.’

  ‘You will pay,’ Bea said under her breath, strangely. She wasn’t saying it to him, but to herself. ‘He didn’t have an affair.’

  Cameron said nothing.

  ‘He broke your heart twice over. Abigail, Layla.’

  Again, nothing. What was he doing?

  ‘Tell me it wasn’t you.’ She was crying now, choking back tears to speak. ‘The photo—’

  ‘My baby girl, hours after she was born. My perfect daughter.’

  L.A.

  Layla.

  ‘You made me think he’d—’

  ‘He killed them,’ Cameron said. ‘I didn’t have a choice, can’t you see?’

  In a flash of movement I heard Bea lunge for the wall behind me, and a couple of his heavier steps move after her. She cried out, ‘Let go of me!’

  ‘I can’t do that. Not if you’re going to try and press that panic button again.’

  Fight him. Get help.

  ‘You stupid girl.’

  ‘I won’t try and press it again, please – just let me go. I won’t tell anyone what you’ve told me. They wouldn’t believe me, anyway.’

  ‘You know I can’t do that.’

  She whimpered. He was holding her where they stood, to the right of me.

  ‘Stop moving,’ he said.

  She made a noise but it was muffled – he must have covered her mouth.

  ‘Shut up. No one is coming. They can’t hear you out there.’

  I listened to her struggle as she tried to pull away from his grip again. She freed her mouth from his hand. ‘I can’t believe you did this to him. You got the wrong person.’

  No.

  I immediately knew what she was going to say.

  There’s nothing to be gained by doing this.

  ‘It wasn’t Alex’s fault.’

  ‘He should have been watching her,’ Cameron snapped.

  ‘You’re hurting me.’

  I heard him breathing, thinking.

  ‘If I let go of you, you have to promise not to shout again.’

  ‘I promise.’

  She sighed, and I heard her footsteps at the end of the bed. It had worked. He’d released his grip.

  Run, Bea. Get out of here. Don’t worry about me.

  I listened as he moved too – towards the door. He was blocking her escape route.

  ‘Alex isn’t the one you should be angry with,’ she said.

  ‘He was on duty,’ Cameron said. ‘It’s in the coroner’s report. He didn’t even come back for the inquest – they sent some manager.’

  ‘He wasn’t at the pool.’

  ‘What’re you talking about?’

  You don’t have to do this. You’re only putting yourself in more danger.

  ‘He was ill. He went to the bathroom. He left me watching the pool. Me.’

  It was still my responsibility.

  I felt sick. I was sure he had planned to kill me today. What would he do to her?

  ‘When Al came back, he saw her under the water,’ she said. ‘Cameron?’

  He said nothing.

  ‘I’m sorry. We did everything we could. But Alex didn’t deserve this.’

  ‘How could you not have seen her?’ he shouted. ‘Excuses. Always excuses. It was both of you, then.’ A noise, the slam of a fist against a table, came from my right – over by the door. ‘Both of you,’ he growled.

  Bea moved around to the other side of my bed, away from him.

  Get out of here. Just run. If you’re fast he won’t be able to stop you.

  ‘I was right to come after you as well.’

  Go, Bea.

  ‘I did it to get at him, take away all the good things in his life—’

  ‘Did what?’ she asked. ‘You mean pursuing me?’

  ‘Pursuing?’ Cameron laughed. ‘You were so easy to get at.’

  Bastard. She was vulnerable.

  ‘All I had to do was watch you for a while, see what you liked, pretend to be into the same things. Scare you with a few creepy phone calls. And you came running into my arms. No problem.’

  She gripped my left shoulder. I felt her nails press into my flesh.

  Get out. He’s going to hurt you. He’s going to kill both of us.

  ‘Why did you leave it so long? Abigail died so long ago.’

  ‘Why did he get to be happy?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Why did your precious boyfriend – or you, for that matter – why did you get to be happy? When my life was ruined? Abigail, Layla. Then Kelly walked out on me—’

  ‘Your girlfriend? So that was true, what you told me when we met?’

  ‘After she left, I moved back to England, moved here. And I watched you both, for a year or so.’

  A year? You watched us for that long?

  Had he followed us? What had he seen?

  Bastard.

  ‘Then, two years ago – Abigail’s sixteenth. We’d have had a party with her favourite banana cake, and sixteen candles. I thought about that day even before she was born. I imagined my little girl – all grown up! She would have been beautiful. A heartbreaker. I should have been able to see it for real.’

  Instead you were here, stalking us.

  ‘It seemed like the right time to do something,’ Cameron said. ‘It was him who gave me the idea, arrogant prick. Always refusing to wear a helmet. I saw the damage I could do to him, with so little effort.’

  ‘But you left him alive. Why are you doing all this now?’

  ‘You call this living?’ he asked. ‘I’ve enjoyed watching the life drain out of him, so very slowly.’

  ‘And watching me …’

  ‘You’re not the victim here.’

  ‘I—’

  He laughed. ‘If you had just stopped coming here, I’d never have bothered with you. But you kept coming back, and back, didn’t you? You kept loving this pathetic man. I couldn’t let him have that.’

  Bea inhaled, still squeezing my shoulder. ‘And now what? Now you’re finally going to kill him?’

  ‘Now here’s the funny thing. I wasn’t going to,’ Cameron said. ‘But this is where it gets interesting. He’s coming round.’

  So I did move?

  He waited for her to take it in. ‘No.’

  ‘I saw him move.’ He touched my right hand again, trailing up my wrist. My hairs stood on end.

  ‘You must have imagined it. I’ve been here almost every day for—’

  ‘I know,’ he said. ‘Strange, isn’t it? I’m the person he chose to show that he could move.’

  I didn’t choo
se you.

  ‘And I can’t let him wake up,’ he added. ‘So now’s the time to finish what the pair of you started when you let my daughter die.’

  ‘I don’t believe you,’ she said. ‘You’re trying to manipulate me.’

  ‘Believe what you want.’ He started picking up each of my fingers, then dropping them down, one by one. ‘Alex, am I lying? Tell her.’ He laughed.

  You fucking bastard.

  His heavy footsteps moved around the foot of my bed, slowly approaching the spot where Bea stood by my left shoulder. She held onto me. I felt the heat and sweat from her palm.

  ‘Everything you said. That you loved me—’

  ‘You were just part of the—’

  Her hand lifted off my shoulder and simultaneously there was a loud crack, followed by a surprised cry and a grunt from Cameron.

  Bea let out a smaller yelp. She was struggling, in pain.

  I heard her push against him, her feet scuffing the floor, her body banging against the bed.

  ‘You don’t want to go assaulting a police officer.’ He laughed. ‘I can’t believe you thought I was a cop.’

  ‘You’re their witness! Their birdwatcher. You convinced them you’d seen me there that day.’

  ‘They weren’t too hard to persuade.’

  ‘You’re trying to frame me for his attempted murder—’

  ‘Only attempted?’

  ‘Shit, Cameron. Why have you got that?’

  He chuckled softly, and I heard her suddenly stop struggling.

  What? What is it?

  ‘I think we should look at new options. Murder-suicide – what do you think? I can see the front pages: Devastated woman stabs comatose victim before slitting her wrists. Totally plausible.’ He laughed again. ‘How about – New lover speaks about knife attack: “I tried to stop her, but I got there too late”.’

  A whimper from Bea.

  ‘What do you think?’ he asked. ‘Here? It would be quicker if I went down the vein, but more likely that you’d have gone across, don’t you think? More believable?’

  A knife?

  ‘Your wrists. I love your little wrists. So thin. Delicate.’

  ‘Let go of me.’

  ‘These hands.’ After each word, I heard a noise that made my throat contract, ready to vomit. A kiss. The touch of his lips on her skin.

  If you hurt her –

  ‘Your pretty neck,’ he whispered.

  Another kiss.

  ‘No,’ she whispered.

  There was a gentle thud, as if he had pushed her against the wall. She let out a small cry. ‘Please.’

  Cameron inhaled deeply. ‘That smell of you.’

  Bastard. Get off her.

  37

  THEN, EVERYTHING EXPLODED into chaos.

  The door slammed open. ‘Fucking hell,’ I recognised Rosie’s voice in the doorway. ‘Get away from her.’

  ‘Rosie,’ Cameron said. ‘Thank God you’re here.’ His ability to flip his temperament so quickly was chilling. ‘We need to restrain her.’

  ‘Bea?’

  ‘She’s going to hurt Alex. She just admitted to me that she did it.’

  Bea sobbed. ‘Don’t listen to him. Everything he’s said is a lie.’

  ‘Has he hurt you?’

  Bea didn’t reply.

  ‘We need to get her out of here before the police come,’ he said. ‘Help me. Every time I try to stop her she gets violent.’

  ‘That’s not what it looks like to me,’ Rosie spat at him, before she screamed into the corridor, ‘Someone call Security! This man has a knife.’

  ‘No!’ Cameron said. ‘They’ll take Bea away. What did you do that for?’

  Nurses shouted in the corridor and people started running. A woman yelled, ‘Security! Security!’

  ‘Come over here,’ Rosie said, as Bea wept by my side.

  ‘Stay where you are,’ he said.

  ‘Bea would never hurt anyone.’

  ‘I know it’s hard to believe, but—’

  ‘Liar.’ Rosie stood firm. Bea sobbed.

  ‘I had to stop her.’ Cameron spoke in a semi-whisper, as if confiding in Rosie.

  ‘You’re delusional. Put that down. You don’t want to hurt her,’ Rosie said, calmly.

  Heavy footsteps came in at speed. ‘Step away from her,’ a man shouted. ‘Step away!’

  I heard movement by my side.

  ‘Get behind me, miss,’ the man said. ‘Right. Now, you’re going to have to give me that.’

  ‘It’s only a penknife,’ Cameron said, as he tried to turn on the charm. I heard the blade being flicked in and out.

  ‘All the same,’ the man said. ‘Hand it over. Just give it to me – you don’t want any more trouble. Let’s make this easy.’

  ‘I only had it for self-defence. And I was trying to protect him,’ Cameron said. I heard the slap of metal on skin as the knife was passed between them, and then a sudden series of thuds and grunts as something heavy hit the floor.

  ‘What you doing?’ Cameron’s voice was muffled.

  ‘You can’t come in here with a knife and expect not to be restrained. Greg, c’mere,’ the man said to someone else in the room. ‘Make sure he doesn’t get up, would you?’

  Cameron grunted.

  ‘Keep still, mate. If you know what’s good for you.’

  ‘Shhh.’ I could just make out Rosie’s voice in the corner of the room, as she pulled Bea close to her. ‘It’s okay, it’s okay. What the hell happened? I left as soon as you told me you had followed him here, but the traffic was so bad.’

  ‘I thought – you’d never – get here,’ Bea said as she wept, gulping in breaths. ‘I had – to keep him – talking. He was going – to kill – Alex. Couldn’t get out.’

  ‘Why didn’t you call for help?’

  ‘I was scared I’d – get in trouble – then – I don’t know. I didn’t think anyone – would believe me. I was so scared he would hurt us.’

  ‘Okay, okay. Shhh,’ Rosie said. ‘I’m so sorry, I should have listened to you.’

  ‘She’s lying,’ Cameron shouted up from the floor. ‘She’s a manipulative little bitch.’

  ‘Would you be so good as to keep this gentleman quiet, please, Greg?’ the man said. Cameron groaned.

  A radio fizzled, and the man spoke into it. ‘Yes, we’re here. No, should be fine. Under control. We’ll bring them down.’

  Pauline’s words in my ear drowned everything else out. ‘He’s still breathing, he’s still okay.’ She turned my head from side to side, holding me under my chin.

  ‘Officer!’ Cameron shouted.

  ‘No, mate. I’m security. Police on their way.’

  Pauline busied herself at my side, rearranging my arm, pulling the sheet up to my neck. ‘I’d like you all to leave,’ she said. ‘I need to look after my patient.’

  ‘Sir, she’s a murder suspect –’

  ‘Save it. You’ll all have to come with me,’ the security guard said. ‘You too, ladies.’

  Pauline cleared her throat. ‘Can everyone please get out of this room,’ she said.

  ‘You heard her,’ the security guard said. ‘Let’s move this into the corridor.’

  The door thudded shut behind them. Pauline stayed with me, flicking through my charts, checking my pulse.

  She went to roll me over, and my mind lurched away, following Bea and Cameron out of the room. She was safe, wasn’t she? The police would have to believe her now.

  Adrenalin pulsed through me, but the endorphins were kicking in too. I was still alive, and all the pieces of this puzzle, which had plagued me for weeks, had fallen into place.

  He couldn’t hurt me any more.

  He couldn’t hurt Bea.

  38

  ‘… THERE’S NOTHING TO him …’

  I woke up to a confusion of smells and sounds. Chanel No. 5. Cheese and onion. Soap. My eyes were partially open, but a greyish shape close to my face blocked out everything else.

 
‘Liquid food doesn’t do much more than stop you disappearing.’ Connie’s voice, right over my face – that’s where the cheese and onion came from. I tried to stop my nose from inhaling.

  The skin on my chest tingled as my hairs stood up, and as I felt the clamminess of Connie’s hand on me I realised she must have taken my pyjama top off. Shapes in the rest of the room appeared suddenly as her greyness leaned backwards to stand at my right-hand side.

  Clipped footsteps skirted around the bottom of my bed and I saw a tall, dark figure moving from the door towards the window. Philippa.

  Suddenly my face flashed with heat as I tasted the ghost flavour of starched cotton, smelled the smoke and spice of that aftershave.

  The quiet moments of peaceful ignorance after I had woken up vanished.

  Where’s Bea? What have they done to her?

  ‘Pauline says it all kicked off last night after I went home.’

  ‘Hmm,’ Philippa said. Clip, clip, clip.

  Tell me she’s okay.

  ‘She says the trust have launched an internal investigation. She should never have been able to get in.’

  ‘It wasn’t her,’ Philippa said, simply. She sounded exhausted.

  ‘But they arrested her, didn’t they? Breached her bail, I thought?’

  They must have arrested him too. Tell me they aren’t just holding Bea?

  Philippa seemed reluctant to be drawn in. ‘The man that was here—’

  ‘The one with the knife? Is he your cousin?’

  ‘No!’ Philippa sounded disgusted. In the corner of my room her black figure distorted as she appeared to fling her arms out. ‘He bloody well isn’t.’

  ‘He seemed so charming. I never suspected a thing.’ Connie’s hand rested idly on my chest as she chatted, although the familiar soapy smell nearby told me she should have been giving me a wash.

  ‘Well, now you know.’

  ‘It’s been big news round here. Is it true that he came here to—’

  ‘Maybe,’ Philippa cut in, agitated, ‘if you all gossiped a little bit less and noticed unusual visitors a little bit more, this wouldn’t have happened.’

  ‘Oh, we weren’t gossiping.’ Connie didn’t have the sense to shut up, even for a moment. ‘I only meant we were shocked. That’s all.’

  Philippa sighed, relenting a little. ‘He’s the one who – who put my brother in hospital in the first place. Tried to kill him.’