Lamb

by Bonnie Nadzam

  “But I really do think we should go.”

  “Let’s do this. Let’s park this truck across the street—see that place over there?” It was an empty boarded-up restaurant made of dark slabs of wood and fashioned with a porch to resemble a general store. “Then we’ll take a walk. Just to clear the air a little, right? And when we get back to the truck, we’ll make a decision.”

  Outside the air was cool and bright yellow. Lawns around the houses were deep and soft, the air fragrant with sweet and rotting cow manure. A metal sprinkler ticked and a few kids in dirty T-shirts were circling each other on their bikes in the middle of the wide street. Crickets and frogs in the muck-filled retention ponds were in full chorus, the faces of the tiny houses blinking blue and gold-lit windows.

  “Pretty little town.”

  “Yeah.”

  “I wish I could buy your mother a house like that. In a town like this. Or like one of those, with a glassed-in porch. With a bedroom from where you can hear the train whistle in your sleep. And a little breakfast nook downstairs for hot rolls and coffee in the morning.”

  “That’d be the day.”

  “Tell me,” he said and held up his face to her. “Is it a good face?”

  The girl shrugged. “Sometimes I think maybe this is just a movie we’re in.”

  “No, Tommie, this is real. Real arms. Real legs. Real trees.”

  “Okay.”

  “None of this will matter to you the way it should if you start thinking it’s just some movie. You’re not pretending, are you?”

  “No.”

  “Promise?”

  She laughed. “Swear.”

  “What I was going to ask you,” he said, “was if your mother would like my face. Because wouldn’t that be the perfect solution,” he said, “to our little problem?”

  The girl tipped her head at him. “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “Maybe when we get back, when I take you back, we could rig things so I meet your mother. What do you say to that?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Maybe—and I don’t want to get ahead of myself here, because you’d have to say yes first—but maybe we could have a small, private wedding. On a green green lawn. Or no. In a house with big windows, and all snowy outside. And beautiful fine china, and roasted duck. Right? And your mother in a beautiful white cape. And you in red velvet. Or blue. What do you think? Blue or red?”

  “Red.”

  “And I’ll buy her a big beautiful house and get her three maids just to help her dress in the morning, and she’ll never have to work another day in her life. How about that?”

  “Oh, my God, she’d love you.”

  “And we’ll have horses.”

  “But maybe you wouldn’t like her face.”

  “I think I’ve already seen it.”

  “You have?”

  “Does she have short dark hair?” He made a motion with his hands, cutting the hair at chin length.

  “Yes.”

  “I have to make a confession, Tommie. Don’t be mad. I went over there the night you were waiting for me at the hotel.”

  “To ask if I could go with you?”

  “What? No. No, not like that. I just wanted to think about whether it was a bad idea, what we were about to do. I wanted to put my face right up to the facts: that you’re eleven, and your parents—your mom—would be waiting for you in the apartment. I wanted to make myself really think about that. You understand?” He turned to face her.

  “Yes.”

  “It’s the only way to do this. We have to be honest about these things.”

  “I know.”

  “I saw a young woman and man there. I thought maybe it was your mom and Jessie.”

  “Probably it was.”

  “And Tom, here’s my real confession, okay?” She watched him. “Ever since that moment?” He paused and looked up.

  “What?”

  He looked at her. “Ever since that moment, Tom, I’ve been haunted by her beauty.”

  “My mom?”

  “Your mother, yes. Don’t you think she’s beautiful?”

  “I guess.”

  “You guess. Let me tell you something. She is. And I’m an expert on such matters.”

  “I know.”

  “You do?”

  “You already told me that one.”

  He put his thumb and forefinger beneath her chin and lifted her face. “Look at me. We know the facts, right?” She nodded. “And we’re proceeding with due caution, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “Because we love this world. And everybody in it.”

  “Yes.”

  “Good.” He let go her head, put his hand on top of her hair. “So we’re all saddled up pushing on. Because it’s what people like you and me do.”

  • • • • •

  He drove into the night, along a cursive pass etched in granite, above the stands of green-fingered oaks and red-beaded hawthorns and all the aspen, above the trees that listed to the southeast, needled black along one side, twisted and deformed by forbidding glacial wind, and between great planed walls of rock dressed in little aprons of snow and shattered stone sliding down onto the road.

  The rock walls flattened as they crested the pass, and they slowly descended through the sparse coniferous trees, silver needles flashing mutely in the car light. They wound down past the neon yellow road signs and steep grade warnings and through the pines again and back to where the aspen were still yellow and pale green.

  “It’s scary up here.”

  “Well.” He watched the road. “It’s severe, is what it is. And high.”

  “How high?”

  “Twelve, thirteen thousand feet. That’s over two miles high.”

  “I know that.”

  “I forget sometimes how smart you are.” He glanced at her and back to the road. “Know what happens now that we’re over the top of the mountain? All the rivers start running the other way.”

  “Big whoop.”

  “And birds over here are much bigger. Turkey vultures and eagles and owls and hawks.”

  “Bears?”

  “Yes. And cattle.”

  “We’ve seen that.”

  “Not like this. Over here, they’re twice the size, and all over the mountains, in the trees, and swimming in the creeks up to their necks.”

  “No way.”

  “Forest cattle.”

  “You’re lying.”

  “In late fall, guys like me come out and hunt hamburger.”

  “Yeah, right.”

  “You watch,” he said. “See if you don’t catch a glimpse of huge furry cows peering back at you through the trees, their beautiful velvet ears stapled with plastic tags, thick straight hair hanging down around their faces.”

  “I love this.”

  “Oh, you dear.” He glanced at her again. “That is the best thing I’ve heard in years.” For a minute he was quiet. “It really is,” he said. “And don’t think that’s an easy thing to admit.”

  He let her drift in and out of sleep until they came to a tiny town perched on the green slopes of a little river valley. It was very cold, clear black. Huge wind scraped through the dark grassy bowl, rocking the truck where he parked it outside a small, dim-lit motel. Tommie snoozed in the warm truck while he checked them in, and when he opened the passenger door for her and she stepped out, the wind took her off balance.

  “Calling Mr. Sandman,” he said, catching her beneath the arm.

  “Don’t,” she said, looking up at him, the whites of her eyes bright in the dark. “I hate that guy.”

  “I know,” he said. “Me too.”

  “Where are we?”

  “Encampment.”

  “It’s so dark.”

  “Look up.”

  “Whoa.” They stood in the open, she leaning against him, tucked into the crook of his arm, a wash of stars spilling above them. “I’ve never seen so many.”

  “I know you haven’t.” Their
chins tipped up in the dark.

  “It makes you feel like, what way is up?”

  “It doesn’t get like this at home. Not with all those city lights.” He squeezed her closer. “Come on. Let’s get out of the cold.”

  He took their gear and led her through a flimsy, blue-painted motel door and locked it behind them. It was musty, reeked of cigarettes and Pine-Sol. Lamb cranked up the heat and went into the bathroom counting backwards while she took off her blue jeans and yellow sweater and folded them carefully over the back of the chair and climbed into one of the double beds. The toilet flushed, the bathroom door opened.

  “Asleep already?”

  “Mmm.”

  “I had an idea.” He picked up her unfinished coffee and carried it over to the bedside. She shook her head, eyes closed. “I thought we could write postcards.”

  She opened her eyes. “To my mom and Jessie?”

  “And Jenny and Sid.”

  She wiggled up against the pillow. “Can’t we do it in the morning?”

  He bent over her to fluff the pillow and held the Styrofoam cup to her lips. “Come on,” he said. “One good gulp will fuel you and I won’t be lonely till I get tired, right?”

  She turned her head and caught the cup with her hand, pushing it away, dumping half the cold muddy coffee down her chest. Coffee beaded on the bedspread and ran down her chest and bare arm.

  “Oh.” His voice came out in a whisper. “It’s all over you.”

  She held the blanket with both hands and shut her eyes. Outside the wind knocked over a metal trash can, its hollow metal rolling across the far side of the parking lot.

  “Okay,” he said. “Don’t move. You’ll get coffee on your blankets and I’m not sharing mine with you.” He took the edge of the blanket and she let it go. He pulled it back and looked away. “Come on,” he said. “Up and into the bathroom.” She reached for the blanket. “Tommie, you can’t sleep like that. Now come on, I’m not looking.” He reached down to the nightstand and turned out the light. He scooped her up and she jerked, catching him in the cheekbone with her elbow. Just a loose elbow. An accident.

  “Goddamn it, Tommie.” He took her wrist. “Christ, that hurts.”

  “I’m sorry!” Her strange little face twisted up, her eyes small and white and wet in the dark.

  “I’ve got you, okay? And I can’t see you. So just relax.” Her body was rigid and shook with noiseless crying. “Boy,” he said, crossing the room, “you walloped me.” He carried her into the bathroom and turned the water knob with his bare foot and ran his toe beneath the faucet. “You like it good and hot or a little cooler?” Now she was clinging to him.

  “I don’t want a bath. Please, I don’t want one.”

  “Don’t be embarrassed.” Something about the dark made him whisper. “You’re covered with coffee. Look. It’s all dark. I can’t even see you.”

  “You. Can. Feel me.” Her chest heaving in his arms.

  “Oh, come on, Tom.” The bath filled with water.

  “Why. Don’t you. Go outside and count?”

  “Why don’t I what? Oh, Tom, I’m stupid. That’s exactly what I should have done. I’m going to put you down right now and do that, okay? It’s just me. Just your friend Gary.”

  She nodded.

  “Good. Okay, now careful. Don’t punch me again!” He pushed the hair back off her wet face and he lowered her down. “Is this okay? Tell me it’s okay. We’ll take a quick bath and you’ll sleep better. You can sleep all day tomorrow if you want. Right? Is it okay?” He lowered her down. “Do you want to do it yourself? Can you do it yourself? Is it safe to leave you here all upset?” He tried to hold her as she leaned over to step into the tub, but she twisted away from him and fell in, smacked her head against the porcelain edge. He went down on his knees. “Oh, Christ,” he said, fumbling in the bathtub for the rubber stopper. Now her chest and throat broke open with crying and he was worried about people in neighboring rooms. “Ssh,” he said. “Ssh. What happened? What is this? Did you bite your tongue?” Blood on her chin. The tub filling with water. “Tommie, please,” he said. “I’m sorry. Christ, tell me you forgive me. Oh God, you can’t trust me. Do you see how you can’t trust me?” He was whispering, the faucet roaring, and the girl crying and shaking in the tub, her hand over her mouth.

  “You have to get out of those clothes. If I leave you in here, you put those clothes on the edge of the tub and I’ll hang them to dry, right?” Her underwear. “Tom. Tom, I can’t understand you, take a deep breath.” He put a hand on her back and breathed out, sighing. “Ahhh,” he said. “Right? Deep breath. Ahhhh. Can I leave you here?”

  Nothing. Shuddering breath.

  “Listen, Tommie. I’m going to help you, okay? Real quick. We’ll just soap you up and go to sleep, right?” He tore open the paper on the soap bar and set it on the edge of the tub. “Here,” he said. “Lift up your bottom.” She did not move. “Okay, Tom. You’re a big girl. You can do this yourself. I’m going to walk out of this bathroom, lights out, and you take off that tank top and your underwear and leave them on the edge of the tub right?”

  “I want.” She sniffed. She ran her hand beneath her nose and her arm came away streaked with snot and blood. “To go home.”

  “No,” he said. “No you don’t. Here.” He held up her hands and lifted off her tank and held his breath. “I’m not looking,” he said. “I give you my word. I’m just giving you a bath, right?” She nodded. “Now slide those off. There you go. Good girl. Oops. Oops. Get the other leg. Good. Okay. Now soap,” he said. “Soap soap.” He put it in her hand. “Ssh,” he said. “Ssh. Lather that up. You know how to do it. This is fine, right? Just like a father would do if you were sick, right? Or if you bumped your head. Let me see your chin. Is it bad? Stick out your tongue.” She sat there holding the soap, so he took it back and rubbed his palms with it, his hands shaking. And he washed her. Scooped up warm water to splash over her shoulders. He cleaned her face. He talked the whole time, not stopping, and she hung forward and he soaped her back and lifted one arm at a time and underneath the arm and across the chest, mechanically, coldly, like a nurse. “That’s it,” he said, singing, “nice and clean. Then we’ll sleep in and sleep all day tomorrow. We can just stay here all day and sleep and watch TV and eat snacks.” He turned off the faucet. The room went dead quiet. Small splashing of bathwater. He picked up her feet and soaped her toes and ankles and calves and ran the bar of soap up beneath her thighs and around her bottom moving fast, every inch of her body as smooth as the inside of her arm. “We’ll pull down the blinds and double up the pillows and blankets and just sleep.” Whispering now. Small splashing of bathwater. “You can curl up right against me. You can snore away and”—he filled his hands with warm water and spilled it over her head—“dream and dream.” He stood and took a cellophane-wrapped cup from the bathroom sink. “Let me wash your hair and I’ll tuck you in. Just like you were my girl. Just like you were my very own. Now. Here you go. Yes just stretch right out. Lean—yes. Put your head in my hand. There you go. Relax. Yes.” And he was filling her hair with warm sloshes of water and with shampoo and he rubbed her scalp in small soapy circles, and the water lapped in the dark and he felt her let the weight of her head go into his hand. “Do you want to be my daughter for the week?” He was saying. “My very own?” She nodded her wet, soapy head in his hands, and it was fine, she was fine, he rinsed her hair, filling the plastic motel cup with warm water and pouring it over the top of her head. “Yes,” he was saying, “let me wash you, sweetheart, let me put you to sleep.”

  • • • • •

  When the girl woke the road was running beneath her. Sky painfully brilliant through the windshield. “I thought I was dreaming,” she said suddenly and sat straight up. She was in the yellow sweater and her old sneakers and dirty blue jeans. Outside the truck, before and beside and behind her, an endless span of blond grass and silver bitterbrush and greasewood and sage. All of it vast and unchanging,
as though Lamb and the girl were at rest and not rushing west, a diffuse and unmappable destination toward which they sped on an otherwise empty state highway.

  “You were dreaming.” Lamb looked over at her, his cheekbone a soft shining purple, blue eyes bright. He was in a clean shirt, face scrubbed, hot coffee and a boiled egg in his belly, and the open road before him. “Boy, did you ever sleep, my pretty little pig. Were they good dreams?”

  She looked out the window, then back to him, to the bruise on his face. “No.” She crossed her arms over her chest and looked back outside. “Where are we?”

  “North Dakota.”

  “I want to go home.”

  “No you don’t. Don’t be that way. Here.” He reached into the glove compartment and pulled out a giant chocolate chip cookie wrapped in Saran Wrap. “You hungry?” She turned her head, and he put it on her lap. “You have a good internal clock,” he told her. “Anybody ever told you that?”

  Nothing.

  “Well,” he said, “put it on the list of amazing characteristics of the amazing girl you are.” She kept silent. “Don’t you want to know why I think you have a good internal clock?”

  Shrug.

  “Because you slept two full days and woke up just in time to see the street sign.” The mouth of a narrow dirt road broke through the shrub without warning, an opening in the brush and scrappy trees that anyone but our guy would have missed. He slowed the truck almost to a stop and turned and pointed: El Rancho Road.

  “Two days?”

  “I wanted to show you the Royal Gorge. But you wouldn’t wake up.”

  “Two days?”

  “Then I wanted to show you Rabbit Ears Pass. But you told me go to hell and take my rabbit with me. Did you know you talk in your sleep?”

  She started to cry. She pulled the handle of the door again and again. “You said two days on the road.”

  “I miscalculated.”

  “I want to go home.”

  He stopped the truck and put it in Park.

  “I did not sleep two days. Unlock the door. Why do you put the child lock on? I’m not a little kid.” Her voice high and fast and tight again. “Open it.”