My Love Regret

by Anna Antonia

  “Thank you so much.”

  “You’re very welcome.”

  This time I didn’t stifle the urge to kiss the top of her head. I felt her startle of surprise and then Risa melted into me. Hugging her, I closed my eyes and relished the feelings of taking care of my little girl.

  I didn’t want to leave her. Even though I had tons of work to go through, I scooted Risa over so I could lay down next to her.

  “You shouldn’t do that. You’ll get sick.”

  “I don’t get sick easily.”

  “I know but—”

  “Risa, shush or I’m bringing back the tie. You don’t want me to do that, do you?”

  Instead of quieting down, she laughed and trilled, “If you only knew, Sir.”

  I could’ve probed. Instead, I smoothed a hand over her hair.

  “Be a good girl for me and go back to sleep, Risa. I want you all better and you won’t get better if you don’t rest. Understand?”

  “Yes, Damian.”

  “Good.”

  “Sir?”

  The sweetness of that one word!

  “Yes?”

  “You won’t…I mean…never mind.”

  I growled her name in warning.

  “Okay! Sorry! I know you’re busy. You don’t have to stay here with me. I’ll be fine. You can go back to work.”

  Amused, I ruffled her hair. “Are you giving me permission, little girl?”

  Risa swatted my chest. “I’m trying to be professional here.”

  “We already left that station when you screamed in my face, Risa.”

  “Or when you kicked down my door.”

  I swatted her hip. “Behave.”

  Risa giggled. Her voice dropped and then she asked so softly I could barely hear her, “You won’t leave me then, will you?”

  Settling back against the pillows, I closed my eyes. “Not for all the money in the world.”

  “Oh, good. It would make me sad if you did.”

  Me too, little girl. Me too.

  Lying there in the darkness, I listened to Risa’s soft breathing. They became the symphony to my planning.

  There had to be a way out of this. I couldn’t let Risa go over imagined threats.

  Clearly, I hadn’t been the target. I wouldn’t have survived otherwise. Instead of one bullet, I would’ve gotten two in the head and one in the heart.

  Also, my father wouldn’t have allowed me to continue my life as normal. I would’ve heard from him by now.

  Silence was its perfect answer.

  I could make this work sooner than later.

  I just had to move the pieces around.

  21

  Elaine arrived late into the night, only a half-hour after I contacted her. She didn’t bother to ask me if it was important. She only said one word. The only word that mattered to me.

  “Risa.”

  “Yes, Risa.”

  I’d stayed by Risa’s side all day and into the night. Moving my laptop into her room, I caught up on the work while keeping an ear out for my sick little girl. She slept like an angel. I found myself drifting back to her side more often than not.

  Her hand fit in mine so perfectly, like she was made just for me. Careful not to wake her, I traced the arches of her brows and her cute nose, marveling at the emotion she stirred in me.

  This wasn’t anything I’d ever felt before. We hadn’t even fucked. Risa knew nothing about me or my sexual appetites.

  My unusual feelings weren’t about sex though.

  Obsession, perhaps. I was utterly fixated on her.

  Time had done nothing to create distance. I didn’t like Risa far from me. I concerned myself with what she ate, how much she slept, and making sure she didn’t overdo things like exercise.

  It was more. What though?

  Love?

  My mind swerved from the word. I’d never loved anyone. I respected and appreciate my guardians. I respected my father. I cared for Gretchen.

  Love?

  Why would I love Risa? I didn’t know her. Not really.

  But I knew how she tasted between her lovely thighs. I took her breath and gave her mine. Could that be enough to constitute as love?

  The word haunted me. It was a dangerous word.

  But so was this.

  Logic put Risa in a little box. She was an employee. Dallying with her would put my spotless reputation and company at risk. Was it worth denting my shell just for a few weeks of pleasure?

  Yes.

  The ruthless beast behind my proper façade never steered me wrong.

  Risa wouldn’t betray me. I didn’t question how I knew it. I just did. She’d keep my secrets if I chose to share them. She was half-way in love with me as it was, maybe more.

  I would use it if necessary. I’d keep her tied to me, with a chain if I had to, but Risa was mine.

  I closed the door to my office and locked it. Although I was confident Risa was soundly asleep, I didn’t want to take a chance she’d wander into this meeting.

  Elaine took her usual seat. Her steely stare didn’t invite pleasantries.

  “What do you need from me, Damian?”

  “I’m moving forward into a relationship with Risa.”

  She assessed me in her usual way. I imagined her mind making scores of connections, weighing them and discarding them just as quickly.

  “What triggered this?”

  “Nothing in particular. It’s a natural progression.”

  “Hmm. Is she feeling better?”

  I didn’t bother to ask how she knew. That was Elaine’s job.

  “She’s been sleeping. I believe she’s on the mend.”

  “And you’ve been taking care of her by yourself?”

  “Yes.”

  “That’s what doctors are for, Damian. You don’t need to concern yourself with a minor cold.”

  My temper, never an issue before, spiked. I wanted to believe it was due to my recovery, but I doubted it.

  “Elaine, why are you steering me away from Risa? It’s been like this since Switzerland. Do you disapprove of her?”

  I shouldn’t have stated it that way. Elaine wasn’t my mother. I had no need to seek approval from her.

  “I do not. You’re right. I haven’t been supportive of you crossing lines with her.”

  “Why?”

  Elaine crossed her legs and leaned back, seemingly removed from the pettiness of human emotion.

  “You care for this young woman.”

  My position mirrored hers. I’d keep my thoughts to myself until I read which way the wind blew.

  “Is it simply sexual, Damian? If so, I suggest you take Risa and be done with it. You’ll tire of her soon enough.”

  The question offended me, even though I questioned it myself.

  “I can get sex anywhere.”

  “But you haven’t. Perhaps this is why you’re drawn to Risa. You’ve been celibate for too long. Rectify it and the issue goes away.”

  “She’s not an issue to solve. I like her.”

  “You like her?”

  “Yes. Is that so hard to fathom?”

  “Coming from you? Absolutely.”

  The right corner of Elaine’s mouth lifted in a faint smile. This was true amusement for her.

  “Focus, please.”

  “I am focused. The problem here is two-fold. The situation is not cleared yet.”

  This wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

  “Elaine, I suspect there isn’t a situation at all.”

  Frigid disapproval blasted me like the artic winds of our native land.

  “You doubt the scar tissue in your brain?”

  “No, I don’t. I doubt the need for subterfuge. You said it yourself that the shooters thought I was a guard. No one knows who I am.”

  “Your dick is thinking for you. Don’t trust it.”

  “Hardly.”

  It wasn’t my dick. I’d never been led by it before and wouldn’t allow it now. It was something more dang
erous than my dick.

  It was my heart.

  Damn. How do I account for this?

  Elaine’s sharp gaze missed nothing.

  “I believe you, Damian, when you say you like Risa. I believe it’s more than like. That’s why I warn you not to do this thing. Not now.”

  “Why?”

  “Your father and I had this conversation once. A year before you were born.”

  Unconsciously, I leaned forward. I knew Elaine and Grigor’s association spanned decades, but I was surprised to hear he trusted her enough to share anything of his personal life with her.

  “Tell me more.”

  Regret flickered in her gaze before disappearing. I saw something there, a snowflake of a feeling, but undeniable.

  In all these years, I’d never suspected Elaine’s loyalty and devotion to my father was tilled in the fertile field of love.

  “Your father loved your mother. Greatly. She was the first and only woman he ever loved. He didn’t want to involve her in his life, but he wouldn’t let her go. I advised him to do it. Obviously, Grigor didn’t listen.”

  I knew how it all ended. I also knew the point of Elaine’s story.

  “You believe the same thing will happen again.”

  “I am working to prevent it from happening again. I am trying to save you from yourself.”

  “I am not my father. I’m not Bratva.”

  “No, but you are the son of Bratva. You can never forget it, Damian. No matter how pretty the surroundings, we are who we are. You drag Risa into this mess before it is cleaned up, you’ll be cleaning up her blood as well.”

  The image horrified me.

  I sprang from my chair to pour myself a drink. Without looking back at Elaine, I asked her, “You think I cannot protect her?”

  “It’s not a question of protection, Damian. It’s a question of honor.”

  I tossed back the vodka before pouring myself another. “Risa isn’t a piece. She’s not disposable. I honor her completely.”

  “You know that’s not what I mean.”

  I knew it wasn’t. I just didn’t want my guardian to arrive at the same conclusion I’d discovered. No matter where I moved the pieces on my board, I’d lose the queen.

  Bringing Elaine a drink, I sat across from her and stated, “Gretchen is safe. No attempts have been made against her.”

  “None.”

  “Yet this conversation never happened in regards to her. She’d been my lover for nearly two years. You never once came to me then. Why?”

  She knocked back the clear liquid in one go.

  “Simple. You weren’t serious.”

  “I was. I considered marrying her.”

  “A whim due to friendship and respect. You would’ve dropped Gretchen the minute you laid eyes on Risa.”

  This hit uncomfortably close to the truth. I let my confession unravel.

  “My reaction to Risa is unlike any I’ve ever experienced, Elaine. It destroys my control. I lose myself to emotional outbursts. I’m petty and quick to jealousy. I hate leaving her at night even though I agree it is necessary. The thought of her not being here…it leaves me hollow. I cannot think. I can only panic. I am losing my mind.”

  “Like father. Like son.”

  I caught Elaine’s bittersweet smile. I reached for her hand before I realized it. She startled but didn’t move away. We sat in silence, bonded by our softer emotions, and lost in our separate memories.

  “Tell me what you would do in my position.”

  Elaine squeezed my hand once and then withdrew hers.

  “I would disengage from Risa.”

  “I don’t want to do that.”

  “I know. You love her.”

  It would be easy enough to deny it. The emotion was so new, so fragile.

  “I do. I can’t explain why. It just is.”

  “Love isn’t something that can be explained, Damian. It is beyond logic. Admitting your feelings would be a grave mistake. Risa isn’t like us, Damian. She is too vulnerable. Once you make her a part of this life, once she’s in, she’ll have no choice from that moment on.”

  I argued a broken point, but I couldn’t give up. I knew the end of this story and I was desperate to rewrite it.

  “She won’t have to know. No one else does. Risa can go the rest of her life and never know about the Konstantinovs.”

  Elaine’s look of pity was more than I could stand.

  “That is the exact kind of thinking that got your mother killed.”

  “I am not my father! I am not a criminal! No one will gun my wife down! They’d have to get through me first!”

  Wife. Where did that come from? And why did it feel so right?

  Elaine took my outburst in stride.

  “Risa will eventually find out. Because you tell her or she finds out on her own. We’ve been able to contain what she knows and doesn’t, but she’s intelligent. Eventually, she’ll want to know more about you, about that night, and you’ll be dying to tell her.”

  “I won’t. I can’t even remember.”

  “Someday you will remember. Your secrets will bind you closer, but they will make Risa a virtual prisoner. Either tell her the truth and trap her or lie to her and let her be free. Your choice.”

  “That’s not a choice, Elaine.”

  “It’s better than the alternative.”

  Defeated, I leaned my head back against the armchair.

  “Is there no other way?”

  “For now? No. Perhaps, in the future…”

  A mother’s promise for a child. Meant to pacify. Nothing more.

  “Thank you, Elaine.”

  She stood up. Not one for emotional displays, I didn’t expect her to touch my shoulder. I took the small token of comfort, knowing Elaine would move heaven and earth for me.

  But this…this was out of her control.

  Elaine left. Long hours later, I finally got up out of chair. It was time for Risa’s medicine.

  “Little girl? Wake up.”

  She awoke with a soft moan, but sat up easily. I put my hand on her back anyways. Risa took the pills with water and cooed her thanks.

  My heart took the hit. Our time was numbered. I’d never again have the privilege to see Risa this way. Someone else would take care of her and he wouldn’t be me.

  “Are you hungry?”

  “No. Just want to sleep.”

  Selfishly, I was disappointed. Every second counted.

  “Goodnight, little girl.”

  I left her, fully intending to come back once I changed for bed. Her tiny cry stopped me in my tracks.

  “Don’t go! Please?”

  There it went again. My heart. Cracks splintered across, all in the shape of her name.

  I kept my tone soft, friendly even. I wouldn’t let on that I was dying from her loss.

  “I’m coming back, little girl.”

  Risa pushed the hair out of her eyes. “Can you stay until I fall back asleep? I won’t take long. I promise.”

  She was so unbearably sweet, my perfect little girl. Made for me and everything I could’ve ever wanted from a woman.

  And I was going to have to let her go.

  Sympathy for my father turned to empathy. We hadn’t even begun yet, not really, and already I felt like my heart had been ripped out while leaving me alive.

  How would it have been for my father, hearing my mother tell him she loved him, sleeping with her, waking up next to her, and watching her belly grow with me?

  I never even had the chance to tell Risa I loved her. Never made love to her, never woke up next to her, and never heard her say the words back to me.

  Our relationship was dead before it ever began.

  Feeling a thousand years old, I sat on the edge of the bed. Risa turned over and clutched her pillow tighter while I rubbed slow circles on her back. Even in the dim light, I could see a sleepy smile lit her pretty face.

  “You remind me of…”

  Jealousy pricked. Jealous
y I had no right to feel.

  Risa said it best. If I wouldn’t keep her then I had no right over her.

  My hand stopped anyways. “Who?”

  Risa sighed. “Of you. The you I used to know.”

  Staring down at her, I suffered the crushing weight of regret. I wondered at the memories locked away as if they never existed.

  Was I stronger then that I could afford to show this slip of a girl kindness? Why did I meet my father that night? Why didn’t I sense danger?

  How and why did I get shot?

  Pain centered on the one spot high on my temple. I avoided touching the area although it throbbed. I wanted the pain.

  I couldn’t go back to who I was because surely I’d changed since then. But the actions of that night, of that time before now, sunk its claws into my life.

  I leaned down and kissed Risa’s warm cheek.

  If only this moment could last us forever because tomorrow…

  Tomorrow I’d make sure Risa would hate me.

  22

  RISA

  It was all I wanted.

  This warmth and kindness was worth surviving the long winter of Damian’s indifference.

  Yes, I craved Damian’s body. Yes, I missed how he made love to me like I was the most precious thing he’d ever held. And doubly yes, I missed how he fucked me hard until I screamed and sobbed his name.

  But this sweet kiss on my cheek, this was the love I missed all these days.

  Damian got up and walked out of the room. I could’ve called him back, but I let him go.

  After all the tender care I’d received from him, I trusted Damian to come back to me.

  The minutes dragged by on long legs, but I wouldn’t fall asleep. Not until Damian came back to sleep by my side. He never promised, but I knew he’d come back.

  Damian never left me alone.

  He wouldn’t start now.

  Eventually, my door opened again. I pretended to sleep. Beneath the fuzzy blur of my lashes, I watched as Damian walked in wearing a T-shirt and low-slung pajama pants.

  I knew every inch of his body. I’d slept naked in his arms nearly every day of our intense courtship. I intimately knew the taste of his come. Yet, this felt far more binding.

  Maybe it was because he forgot the rights he held over my body. Or maybe because he wasn’t getting in bed with me just to take me. Damian was going to sleep by my side because the part of him that belonged to me knew his little girl needed him.