by Anna Antonia
“Yes, Damian.”
“Fuck! Do you know what you do to me when you say those two words?”
Not giving her a chance to respond, I squeezed her ass with both my hands, dragging Risa up and down on my cock while sliding my tongue deep in her open mouth.
She buried her hands in my hair. I shivered when she dragged her nails across my scalp. Risa pulled them away with an “Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot.”
I didn’t know what she was talking about at first. Then I remembered.
“It’s okay. It’s practically already healed.”
Risa’s gaze zeroed in on the spot beneath my hairline.
“You don’t know how hard it was to see the bandages on you. It’s a silly thing, but I cried when I saw you still had your hair. I was afraid they were going to have to shave it all off.”
My heart hurt to see her sadness. I didn’t want her to think about it. I didn’t want to think about it either.
“Ssh, Risa. Don’t be sad. I’m okay. We’re here together.”
“I know. It’s just—”
“No.” I put enough of a growl for her to get the message. “Just no, Risa.”
She nodded and then laid her head down on my chest. “You’re right, Damian. I shouldn’t think about the past. It’s already happened, right? It doesn’t have to still hurt us now.”
“Good girl.”
I didn’t want Risa to be sad. I wanted her to be the playful lusty kitten of before.
She rubbed her cheek against my chest. “I want to be your good girl. Always.”
“That’s exactly what I want to hear, Risa.”
“I’ve missed you so much, Damian.”
I wrapped my arm around her waist. “I’m not going anywhere.” I pulled her hair back and leaned closer to let my tongue play with hers. She made me lose my head, but I was powerless.
“I love you so much, Damian,” she moaned against my lips.
They shocked me but I almost said the words back. I said them countless times in my head already.
“I love you, Risa. I love you. Stay with me forever.”
But of course, I didn’t say that out loud. Suddenly, I recognized making love to her wasn’t showing my love.
It was the epitome of my selfishness. Knowing what I knew, I still chose to cross the line. How could I do that if I loved her?
My darker cravings took on a dangerous bent. What did it matter? I’d get what I wanted and she’d have me. She’d be happy.
I could take Risa’s words and form a chain between us.
I could make her my slave. She was already addicted to my cock. I could use her feelings for me against her. It wouldn’t be hard to convince Risa to give up everything for the illusion of a chance to be with me.
But that was all it would be.
An illusion.
Reality was ugly. Reality got people killed. Reality tore lovers apart. Reality didn’t allow for happy endings.
And I was just going to prove how ugly it could get.
36
RISA
“I love you so much, Damian.”
Those were the words that finally tore me and Damian apart. I shared my secret and paid for it in the worst way.
Damian’s eyes widened at the corners before slanting down. He stared at me, gaze dark and fearsome with thoughts unsaid. Finally, he rolled me off of him and then sat up. Even without clearly looking at his face I was able to tell that he was already long gone from me.
Ice entered my veins as our sweat cooled on my body. Then I couldn’t feel anything anymore.
“You shouldn’t have said that to me.”
His voice came as if a thousand miles away.
“I can’t help how I feel for you.”
Damian stood up, giving me his back. Red scratches marred the perfect surface, evidence of my crazed desire. I was just clutching him to me, feeling Damian drive so deep inside me I couldn’t remember a moment more perfect.
That foolishness felt like a lifetime ago.
“Is this the part where I get dressed and leave in disgrace?”
Damian walked over to the dresser and pulled on his pants. He turned around, expression completely wiped clean of everything. He no longer looked like a man. He looked like a God that I offended with my base mortal imperfection.
“No, Risa. This is the part where I tell you that you’re fired.”
The ice inside me cracked. Humiliation filled in the broken spaces.
“You’re firing me?”
“It is the most logical choice. Clearly, we can’t work together any longer.”
Breath exited my body in a violent whoosh. I used to think his logical side was so sexy. Stupid me.
“You’re such a bastard.”
The growl came deep from the recesses of my growing rage. I still couldn’t process what was happening. He chased me down. He brought me to his room. He clearly wanted me.
“I know. And you’re still fired.”
Feeling dirty, I covered up my body with the sheet. “Why are you treating me this way? Why do you pull me in and then always, always push me away? Is it just to prove to me you can? Just a goddamned ego rush?”
Damian continued as if I hadn’t said anything.
“Of course, you’ll receive a healthy compensation package effective immediately.”
“You’re paying me off. Was I that good in bed that you need more than you can leave on the nightstand? You didn’t come but I did. Maybe I should be paying you instead.”
“Don’t be crude,” he snapped.
Hysterical laughter burned my throat.
“I’m ensuring you will have at least a year before you need to find employment again. You can rely on Bridgewater to give you excellent references.”
I fisted my hands.
“You’ve got be fucking kidding me!”
He turned around and shot me an angry look. “There’s no need to use that kind of language.”
Outraged, I wrapped the sheet around me and stood up.
“Oh dear. Pardon me. What came over me, using that kind of language? How dare I take offense to being treated like a prostitute?”
Damian clenched his jaw tight. Something flickered in his gaze.
“I am doing everything I can to make this transition as painless as possible.”
“For you maybe. Not for me.”
“Risa, we shouldn’t have done this. I would’ve never slept with you if I knew how you felt about me.”
Calmness descended over me. Finally, something I could use.
“You’re lying. You knew how I felt and you did it anyways. Now you don’t like the guilt so you’re getting rid of me. You’re running away from your feelings. Again.”
To know that I’d done this to Damian at the beginning tore me up. No wonder he flipped out on me. Too bad I couldn’t do the same to him.
I’d drug him and tie him to my bed in a heartbeat.
Damian stared me down. A wall came over him. Impenetrable.
“Think what you like.”
Damian didn’t deny or embrace it. He didn’t try to explain himself. He decreed his viewpoint and then expected me to follow through.
Many times I imagined what I’d say and do if this moment ever came.
“Fuck you, Damian! You can kiss my motherfucking ass, jerk!”
Flip the bird and walk out like a boss.
“Why? Don’t you know how much I love you? Don’t you remember me, even a little bit? I’ll do anything for you. Anything!”
Throw myself at his feet and sob without shame.
“You’re done with me? No. I’m done with you, asshole! In fact, I never even liked you in the first place. I just liked your big dick and even that wasn’t so good. I’ll find better.”
Strut out after giving him a nasty once-over.
Now that the time was here, I realized fantasy never lived up to the reality. Going off would make me feel better only as long as it took me to spew my venom. Then I’d still b
e left with the failure of my relationship.
Relationship. Is that what I’m calling it this week?
At times like this I couldn’t remember why I even loved Damian to begin with. Apparently, all we ever had was kinky sex.
I submitted, he domineered, and I groveled for the chance for more. I learned I was a masochistic, I just never suspected I craved humiliation too.
This is how it ends.
After everything I suffered, I was finally done.
“You’re right. I will think as I like. You’re running away from me, Damian, from what you feel when we’re together.”
“I’m not free to be with you, Risa. I never have been.”
I warned in a quiet, even pleasant, voice, “I will kill you if you bring up her name at this moment.”
A strange light entered his eyes. It almost looked like admiration.
Almost.
“I wasn’t going to. This doesn’t have to do anything with her. It’s between you and me.”
“Well, it’s good to know my rejection is solely mine then.”
I turned away from Damian and dropped my sheet. Who the hell cared if he saw me naked or not anymore? It may have been the first time for this Damian, but he’d seen, touched, kissed, and licked nearly every inch of my body.
There was no point in being shy now.
I walked to the neat folded pile. Even when in the midst of wanting to fuck me, Damian couldn’t help himself.
Tidy. A place for everything and everything in its place.
I thought it an unusual and wonderful trait once.
Now I saw it was all about control. Damian wouldn’t give up his control, not even for me.
How I could ever truly win him over? It was impossible.
Dressed in no time, I turned around. He was still standing in the same spot, watching me. My heart swelled with pain.
I wasn’t going to walk out in a blaze of glory, but I was going to say one final thing.
“Your word means nothing. Your promises even less. One day you’ll remember what you’ve done to me tonight. And when you do, I hope you recognize just how badly you treated me. And I pray to God you realize that by then I will have forgotten all about you. Know it won’t be by accident. It’ll be by choice.”
Damian narrowed his eyes. He clenched his jaw and purposely turned away.
Unbelievable.
There was nothing left for me but to do what I should’ve done the first time Damian entered my office.
I turned around and left. This time for good.
37
DAMIAN
The door closed with a click. Nothing explosive. All too polite, restrained, and civilized.
I did the right thing. So why did it feel so wrong?
I stood there, empty from my supposed triumph. I had succeeded in finally driving Risa away. I said words to her that should never have been spoken. Ugly things, things that no man should ever say to any woman, much less to one he loves.
I wish I could’ve said that I didn’t remember them, that I was lost in the heat of the moment.
I remembered everything.
And I knew I would remember everything until the day I died.
Nothing of this night would be forgotten. Because this was the night that I ripped my heart out my chest and threw the still-beating muscle on the floor.
This was the night that I proved I’d love another more than myself.
This was the night I proved I was a better man than my father, than my ancestors.
The knowledge should’ve warmed the raw cavity inside my chest. At least I should’ve been comforted from knowing Risa would be safe from me and my ugly life.
Never again would I need to worry that the darkness of my secrets would one day come out and grab her.
I didn’t feel comforted.
I didn’t feel anything close to comfort.
I didn’t deserve to feel something so noble.
Risa promised me that one day I would regret this. One day I would realize what I had lost.
I didn’t have to realize it. I already knew.
Risa walked out with my heart, hopes, and dreams of a better life. A life where Risa was mine and I was hers. A life that would include our children. A little boy and a little girl. Maybe even a pair of cats and a dog.
It would’ve been nice, that life. I could’ve learned what it was like to be normal. To be like other men.
But it was never going to happen. I was never going to have that beautiful dream with Risa.
If not her than no one.
Sharp pain exploded in my temple. I welcomed it because I deserved it.
My fingers found my healing scar. I pressed deep and deeper still.
Something wet trailed down my face. I didn’t know what it was. Even when I touched my eyes and saw the tears.
This was the price I had to pay to free Risa.
So why did I feel so broken?
38
RISA
The next two hours were somewhat of a blur ruined by moments of sharp clarity.
Somehow I managed to leave the hotel intact. My head held high and my face giving nothing away, no sign that my entire world had finally come crashing down.
I didn’t have to hail a cab. My security detail, usually shadows in the background, came forth and guided me to another anonymous black SUV.
It was only after I was settled in the back seat that I realized it could’ve been anyone. It could’ve been a kidnapper or anyone looking to do something bad.
I didn’t care.
There was a part of me, sick and twisted as it was, that hoped it would be someone bad. The wounded child in me wanted to be hurt just so I could make Damian regret what he had done.
I took perverse pleasure imagining his reaction. Full of remorse, shocked and shamed by letting me go. I’d want him to carry that guilt for the rest of his life, to know that he hadn’t protected his little girl.
I was embarrassed to have wanted something so grim. How much uglier would I get before this was all said and done?
Making it over to the apartment, I stumbled through the front door and slammed it shut. Looking around me, I felt the awful finality of Damian’s decision press into me, making it feel as if there was no air to breathe.
I had to get out of town. I wouldn’t stay and hope he would again change his mind and take me back.
Fisting my hands, I felt a surge of violence burn through my veins. The urge to destroy everything around me sucked me up into a whirlwind of spite. I could destroy every piece of furniture in this apartment, tear all the books down from their shelves, break every mirror, and it still wouldn’t bring back the only man I ever loved.
It would only be another bit of proof in his mind that he had made the right decision.
“Risa is clearly unstable. I’m so glad I won’t have to deal with her again. Would you like to buy some diamonds, Gretchen?”
The imagined humiliation was enough to bring me back under self-control. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing how gravely he wounded me tonight.
Better that he think I was an infatuated PA or a gold digger who overshot her mark than to know the truth.
Damian would never know the reality about me. He would never remember me. If nothing I had done so far could tap those memories then that was proof they were gone forever.
I dug into my coat pocket and pulled out my phone. This would be one of the last times I used it. I’d throw it away or leave it behind the first chance I got.
“Elaine? It’s me, Risa.” My mouth struggled to say the next words but Elaine already knew.
“The plane will be ready within an hour. I can have a car sent over to you in 30 minutes. Longer if you need it.”
Still standing in the foyer, I clutched my stomach. The pain was so real I almost couldn’t draw a breath. It felt like someone took a serrated knife and stabbed me with it.
Over and over again.
“That would be fine. Tha
nk you.”
Apparently, I could be polite even when I was dying.
“I’ll transfer you more than enough money—”
“No, that’s necessary. Just a flight. Please.”
Elaine didn’t argue. Instead, she apologized. “Risa, I truly am sorry this is how it turned out.”
I couldn’t speak for a few moments. “Me too.”
“Thank you for everything you’ve done. I appreciate the devotion you have shown Damian.”
The pain in my stomach burned sharper. Her words would’ve once been a comfort. Now they brought me agony.
They were the words of a final goodbye.
“I tried, Elaine. I tried to be everything for him, but it wasn’t enough.”
Elaine was silent. Her voice, when it finally came, was as gentle as I had ever heard it.
“Sometimes love is the only thing that can be given. Sometimes it’s all a woman can do. It’s not fair but such is life.”
I swallowed hard. Bitterness was unable to make a home in my throat because of the sheer grief rolling right through me.
“Thank you for everything, Elaine. I would not have been able to survive this far for this long without your help.”
I heard her sigh. Regret.
“You are far stronger than you think, Risa. Don’t ever forget that.”
I couldn’t promise her I’d take her words to heart. Right now I felt far from even the memory of strong.
“Thank you.”
There was nothing left to say.
Elaine seemed to agree. She cleared her throat and brusquely stated, “The car will be there in 30 minutes.”
“Okay. Bye.”
“Goodbye, Risa.”
It didn’t take long for me to pack my things. I left behind all of my work suits, all of the things I had worn in Switzerland. I left behind the pretty shoes, the books, and all the little trinkets that had come with being Damian’s PA.
In the end, I only took a carry-on bag with me and even that was half full.
There was hardly anything left to show for the last four months of my life.
Only the carnal aches that came from sleeping with Damian tonight.
Eventually all the love bites, bruises, and spank marks would disappear. Like my time with Damian had never happened.