by Anna Antonia
Like I had never happened.
Numb again with the realization of my loss, I understood my time to grieve would be hard and everlasting. But I was grateful for the current lack of feeling. It allowed me to walk out of the apartment, make my way downstairs, and wait for the car that would whisk me away from this broken fairytale life.
The car was early. Thank God for small miracles. I didn’t have to wait in the darkness like a ghost.
Not surprising, my security team didn’t stop me from entering the sleek sedan. It didn’t hurt me because I realized their orders had changed. They would never follow me again because Damian no longer needed them to protect his PA.
The pain would come later with a ferocity to drive me to the brink of insanity. But for now I was grateful that I couldn’t feel it.
I didn’t notice how long the trip took to the airport. I remembered getting out of the car. I remembered being escorted to the private jet by a man in a black suit.
No fanfare. No farewells. But I wasn’t surprised by Elaine’s absence. We had already said our goodbyes.
Soon I was settled in a leather seat that hugged my body in the way only a multimillion dollar plane could. I was offered refreshments.
Champagne. Strawberries. Chocolate.
I wasn’t hungry and I didn’t dare take a drink. I was too vulnerable to either getting flaming drunk or weeping and wailing like a mad woman.
But the more shameful part of me was thinking of Damian even now. Masochistic to the core, I couldn’t help but hope my perfectly-controlled demeanor would get back to him somehow.
I didn’t want my faithless, cruel lover to know how badly he gutted me. Even now, I still wanted him to think of me as a woman of quality.
And that was a very degrading thing to know about myself.
“Miss Kelly?”
I looked up at the steward with tired eyes.
“Yes?”
“You are welcome to use the bedroom in the back. Mrs. Black-Price instructed us to prepare it for you.”
Elaine’s final thoughtfulness threatened to erode the wall I hastily constructed. Kindness was something I’d found to be in short supply this night. Vulnerable, I cleared my throat and answered, “Thank you. I think I’ll go do that right now.”
The steward guided me to the back, opening the door for me and ushering me in with a cheerful “I can bring you a drink and something to eat now if you wish. Otherwise, just pick up the phone.”
I smiled. I doubted his efficient plane would have KFC and mashed potatoes and gravy. Food wasn’t a priority anyways.
“Some water would be lovely. Thank you.”
I waited until he brought me a bottle of water and then I closed the door. I pulled back the blankets and climbed underneath them. Looking down, I saw I was still wearing my stained tuxedo. I imagined what I looked like going through the airport.
No even further back than that.
A hot mess.
I was too tired and to numb to feel embarrassed, but I knew I would feel it later. Another sin to lie at Damian’s feet.
It wouldn’t take that long to fly to where my parents lived. I was going to have to figure out what I was going to say to them. What lies could I weave so they would never know the extent of the disgrace that had fallen upon their daughter?
Tears prickled my eyes. I shut them closed tightly. The time for tears would come later.
Not now.
39
I stayed in Houston for a month.
Privately, it was to lick my wounds. Publicly, it was to enjoy the healthy severance package I’d earned during my time in the Big Apple before looking for another soul-sucking job.
“You’re back where you belong, m’hija. Don’t ever move that far from me again. I won’t be able to take it.”
“Listen to Daddy, Risa. He drove me crazy these last couple of months. I swear if you leave us again like that, I’m going to have to move in with you. I won’t be able to take Daddy’s whining and crying!”
“Hey, don’t listen to Mom, Risa. She cried just as much as I did! She looked through your baby book and photo albums at least once a week and watched our videos almost every night. She also wanted to go up there and ring your boss’s neck for overworking you.”
So much for working like a dog in a man’s world.
My mom was like that. She didn’t always share what she thought. Only afterwards would it come out how she really felt about something. When it didn’t matter all that much.
At least, according to her.
“Don’t worry, guys. I’m here now. I won’t be going back to New York. Ever.”
As far as family time went, it was a lot like the old days. We took the boat out on one of the many nearby lakes. We went to Galveston for a three day weekend. Daddy grilled steaks most nights and my mom fed me Hummingbird cake.
Slowly but surely, I put on much-needed weight.
They never brought it up and neither did I. We just went on like I hadn’t come back to them pale, exhausted, and wearing clothes that were loose.
Even so, I couldn’t say my heart healed during that month. It just got covered with tons of scar tissue.
One of the hardest parts about being home was talking about New York. Specifically my boss, Mr. Damian Black-Price.
“I looked him up on the internet, Risa,” my mom enthused one night after dinner. “He’s so handsome! And his eyes—they’re so unique. I’ve only seen eyes like that on cats. You didn’t get a crush on him, did you?”
My dad interjected before I could answer.
“Of course, she didn’t! Risa wouldn’t look twice at a man like that.”
“And why not? Are you trying to say our beautiful daughter couldn’t attract his attention, Richard?”
“Sì, she could but that’s not the point. Risa knows better than to fall for a man with a pretty face. She knows a man like that can’t be trusted.”
Their conversation would’ve been humorous if it didn’t skirt so close to the truth.
Clearly, I still had to filter my words. As far as my parents were concerned, working for Damian was like being accepted to an elite finishing school. It was intensive, completely different from anything I’d experienced before, and only meant to be temporary.
“You can write your own ticket, m’hija, once you put that company on your resume.”
What could I do but smile?
I didn’t just have to filter my words. I also had to keep secrets.
My parents would never know that after landing in Houston, I took a cab to a hotel and checked-in for a week. I needed the time to unravel. There in that anonymous corner room I’d been free to let loose.
I sobbed myself sick for the first two days. Keeping the curtains closed and the television on to hide the wretched sounds of my grief, I’d allowed myself to collapse into an emotional desert.
Hell couldn’t have hurt worse.
I ordered food at one point. I couldn’t even remember doing it. The meal just showed up, right in the middle of my jagged crying. I ate it only because I reasoned that I must’ve ordered it in one of my more lucid moments. I realized then I hadn’t eaten since before the benefit with Damian.
Somehow I managed not to throw up the sandwich and chips. Even though the memories of that night came back to reduce me to a blubbering mess.
Sometime during the second day I really believed I was going to die. Not because I was going to commit suicide but because I didn’t think I would survive another minute, another second with this kind of pain.
I cursed Damian.
I wished the vilest things upon him. I wished all his hair would fall out, his teeth would rot right in their sockets, and his back would go out and leave him at least a foot shorter. I wanted his dick to fall off but not before he suffered the indignity of not being able to get it up.
I wanted him to truly look like a beast.
Sprawled on the bed, I had no choice but to relive every inglorious moment.
How could he have done this to me?
How could he be so cruel, so callous as to let me believe that we had a future together?
How could he be so much like the man I fell in love with but so different? So fucking unfeeling?
Nothing we did mattered to him. I didn’t matter to him.
I had given Damian everything. All of me. And it wasn’t enough.
My worst fears had come true. I wasn’t enough for Damian and I never was. At best, I was a distraction. Once he took me to bed he saw I wasn’t worth the risk.
The indignity of it all was I still loved Damian.
It wasn’t about sex. It wasn’t about kink. It wasn’t about his money, status, or power.
It was about real love, one I couldn’t explain but nonetheless suffered. Insanity. How could I still love someone who’d hurt me this bad?
I slid off the bed in a heap. Laid out on the floor, eyes so swollen I could barely see, I cursed myself for ending up like this. I was so disgusting and fucking pitiful.
I couldn’t imagine why Damian would’ve ever loved me or even wanted to be with me.
Did I deserve this for not knowing what love was until now? All my sins had come home to roost. I thought about that boy from Montana and others I didn’t know about. Had I hurt them like this too?
I’m so, so sorry! I never meant to hurt anyone! I was just stupid.
How many times did I hurt Damian our first time around by acting like I didn’t care?
Be careful what you wish for because it just might come true.
Locked up in a hotel room, curtains closed, and barely surviving on water and grief, I mourned the loss of the life I thought I’d have with Damian.
“Because I want forever with you, Risa.”
Those just weren’t words to Damian. He never said anything he didn’t mean. Once upon a time, my Damian wanted to keep me forever. He saw a life with me past the dirty hot sex.
He’d really wanted me forever. Would we be married by now if things had gone differently?
If only his phone hadn’t rang that night. If only he’d been able to ignore it. If only he’d come back to me intact.
If only. If only. If only.
I couldn’t keep myself hydrated because all I did was cry.
By the third day, I’d slept through the night.
The fourth day was fractionally better.
When the fifth day ended, I’d made myself leave the room in search of food instead of calling for it. I walked to the closest fast food restaurant and stuffed myself on cheeseburgers and a chocolate milkshake.
On the sixth day I refused to let myself cry.
On the morning of the seventh day I checked out and traveled to the airport, timing my arrival with a plane coming from New York.
“Risa, m’hija! Come here and give us a hug!” Daddy swept me up in his arms before handing me off to my mom.
“Daughter-Dear, come here and let me look at you!”
I laughed and excused the tears in my eyes because I was just so happy to see them. We chatted about the flight and stopped off at my uncle’s Mexican restaurant before heading home.
My parents never knew a thing.
40
DAMIAN
They say that when you love something you set it free. They also say always leave the door open so that your love can fly back.
They didn’t say what to do when you set your love free and then obliterated the cage so there was no place she could fly back to even if she wanted. Where were the nice pithy sayings for that?
When I learned Risa had contacted Elaine for the use of her private plane I had gone into a fit of rage, the likes of which I couldn’t last remember. I destroyed everything in her room that I could get a hold of. Furious because there was very little of her left behind.
So I did the best I could.
I ripped off the sheets, flung the mattress off the box spring, broke the chair, upended the desk, and shattered every mirror within sight.
Then the real destruction came.
I’d gone into a state of frenzy and tore through the rest of my place. I couldn’t believe that she had actually left.
Yes, I had commanded it of her. And yet there was a significant part of me that hoped Risa would’ve tried to stay with me longer. No one had to tell me it was unfair to even expect it of her.
I realized that.
It didn’t stop me from wishing it though.
After I upended all the furniture in the living room, bedrooms, and dining room, I dropped to the floor in sweaty exhaustion.
That’s when I chose to call Elaine.
“How was she?”
“She was very quiet. She spent the entirety of the flight asleep in the back. Currently, she’s checked in to a hotel. That is all I know.”
I called Risa’s number even though I knew better. Nothing. She’d shut her phone off.
Elaine’s intel wasn’t nearly good enough for me. I didn’t want Risa alone out there in the world. I had no right to pry into her life but I did it anyways.
I immediately sent her security team to Houston, had them check into the same hotel, and ordered them to do what should’ve been my responsibility.
Watch, listen, and take care no harm would befall her.
They set up surveillance. They took over her room phone, routing any calls she made so they were answered by a team member. No one would get close to Risa without them knowing.
Each day’s report took another chunk out of me.
Risa grieved. Badly.
My ego took no joy in this.
She didn’t come out of her room. Apparently, she wasn’t eating either. She didn’t have room service because the hotel didn’t provide any. So I had them send food to her because the thought of Risa starving made me hurt. I’d hoped she would’ve come out, recognized that it was me who was acting as her protector by feeding her.
Security advised me not to tip off their presence. The first meal apparently passed detection because Risa was so out of it. It wouldn’t happen again.
So I had to hear of her not eating for another day.
Helpless to the situation I’d created, I refused to eat as well. I couldn’t be with Risa but I could at least suffer this much with her.
My madness increased when I demanded the surveillance audio.
Sitting in the dark, I heard every whimper, sob, and gasp. I forced myself to do it, uncaring I was neglecting my business. Work couldn’t save me. I didn’t want to forget.
When I got word Risa finally left her room and ate two cheeseburgers, I did too.
Insanity never felt closer.
What did that matter to me? I’d already lost the only real connection I ever had.
When Risa finally checked out of her room, I’d had her team on point with me. I watched the live feed when I should’ve been at a business luncheon.
I didn’t understand why Risa was at the airport. I expected her to go to her parents. Had she changed her mind?
Bemused, I watched as she entered the airport and then came out a few minutes later and stood on the curb, clearly expecting someone.
Jealousy stabbed me hard in the gut even though I had no reason for it.
Every now and then Risa would look through me, as if she was remembering someone else in my place.
I couldn’t shake off the worry there was another man before me, one who still held her heart. How many other secrets did Risa carry in that beautiful mind of hers?
I wanted to know them all.
Thankfully for me, Richard and Lila Kelly pulled up to the curb. I knew them and their car by sight from the investigation file Thomas had given me before we’d left Switzerland. I watched as they jumped out of the white sedan and quickly pulled their girl into their arms like good parents would.
Strange. I wondered why Risa didn’t just go straight to their house after checking out of the hotel…
The connections set.
Risa hid her life with me from the
m. All personal parts of it at least.
I admired her ability to execute and stage her plan perfectly even while I felt a sting of disappointment in realizing she’d only do this if she believed her time with me was done forever.
Which I made sure it would be after those ugly things I said to her.
“Mr. Black-Price.”
“Yes?”
“Are we done with our surveillance or should we continue?”
I narrowed my choices down to two. Sane and insane.
“Continue.”
41
RISA
It was time to rejoin the world.
I’d spent exactly the same amount of days Damian and I were together. The first time around. The day that marked one more was the day I decided to leave Houston and go to Denver.
I couldn’t change the past. I could only go forward and try to build another life—no matter how much it broke my heart.
I had enjoyed my time at home. Well, as much as I’d been able to. It’d been a refuge, a place to ground and remind me of my existence before Damian.
But it was time to leave.
Clearly, I wouldn’t be going back to my old job. Not that I doubted I could get rehired. I knew I’d have no problem because I was one of their best Account Executives.
I just didn’t want to go back there.
I didn’t want to go back to that building and see the ghost of Damian haunting me every step I took.
I needed a fresh start. I needed to go somewhere where I could forget all about the things that haunted me day and night.
I chose Denver.
It was big enough to get lost inside, not too terribly far away from home, and unlikely a place where I might accidentally run into Damian considering he didn’t have any holdings in the state.
Neither of my parents were particularly happy.
“Risa, you just got here. I thought your New York experiment would show that this is where you belong.”
That came from my dad. It was hard to look into his sad puppy dog eyes, but I had to be strong.
“I’m sorry, Daddy. Really. It’s just that I need to stretch my legs.”