Taking Charge of Your Fertility

by Toni Weschler

  Warming sexual lubricants

  One of the defining feelings leading up to orgasm is a surge of warmth in your vagina and clitoris, and using a warming lubricant either during masturbation or intercourse gives you a head start. If used properly (applying just the right amount so that it doesn’t get too hot), it can be incredibly beneficial in helping you to climax. Either you love ’em or hate ’em, but one thing’s for sure: this ain’t your grandma’s lubricant.

  Why Orgasms During Intercourse May Be Hard to Attain

  In the case of some women, orgasms take quite a bit of time. Before signing on with such a partner, make sure you are willing to lay aside, say, the month of June . . .

  —BRUCE JAY FRIEDMAN

  The most sensitive part of the man’s body is the underside of the shaft, near the tip of his penis. For the woman, it’s the clitoris. The problem is that because the clitoris is situated outside the vagina, intercourse is usually not as intense for women as it is for men. In fact, as you read above, studies indicate that a large majority of women are unable to achieve orgasm through intercourse alone. Internalizing this one physiological fact and really understanding how it can impact a woman’s sexuality is crucial for men who want to develop a truly loving, sexual relationship with their partner.

  Because a lot of people don’t fully understand basic human anatomy, misunderstandings in bed continually result. For example, women often fake orgasms because they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings or they don’t think it’s worth the longer time and effort it would take to actually have one. This type of deception can poison an intimate relationship, which is unfortunate, because it could so easily be resolved if both people understood the difference between male and female physiology. Needless to say, communication between partners is the key to developing a fulfilling and warm sexual relationship.

  In any case, it’s a good thing we don’t live in the 1870s. John Davenport would have had us believe women shouldn’t have orgasms at all. As he described it in Curiositates Eroticae Physiologiae (1875), the result of orgasm in women was that:

  She burns and as it were, dries up the semen received by her from the male, and if by chance a child is conceived, it is ill formed and does not remain nine months in the mother’s womb.

  Indeed. In any case, it’s more than a century later, and we’re pretty sure that female orgasms don’t cause birth defects anymore. But the length of time it takes for a woman to climax can be frustrating if people don’t understand how normal it is for women to take longer than men. Even if communication between a couple is completely open and healthy, women usually require quite a bit more stimulation to reach an orgasm.

  Another potential problem is that many men assume that as soon as the woman has become lubricated, she is ready to be penetrated. For most women, this is not true. Vaginal lubrication is one of the first signs of arousal. It signals only that she is gradually becoming more interested in further foreplay. Most women still need considerable time and sensual (rather than sexual) touching to become fully aroused. In fact, one of the most common complaints women make about male lovers is that they rush through the motions and are too narrowly focused on the genitals rather than the whole body.

  Increasing your chances of having an orgasm during intercourse

  For some women, being asked if she has had an orgasm during intercourse is a sign that her partner doesn’t really understand what excites her. In his excellent book Sexual Solutions, Michael Castleman asks men to develop a different sexual perspective:

  Imagine your own feelings if a woman climaxed courtesy of your oral clitoral stimulation, then asked you: “Did you come?” Many men would resent the question: “How can you even ask if I’ve come? I’ve been stimulating you. You haven’t touched me where it counts!” Women feel the same way.

  And yet, there’s a small but exceedingly lucky percentage of women who are able to have orgasms through intercourse alone. Human sexuality researchers speculate that one of the reasons may be that their C-V distance (their what?!) is less than an inch. In other words, the short distance between their clitoris and vagina makes them more likely to be able to achieve orgasm, since the closer proximity to their clitoris gives them a better chance of being stimulated by the man’s penis.

  The important point is that female sexuality varies as much within an individual woman as it does between women. In other words, not only can your sexual desires change from day to day and within different phases of your cycle, they may also vary from cycle to cycle as well. But guess what? Men can’t read minds. So you need to be able to communicate your needs in order for him to help you have an orgasm, whether during sex play or intercourse itself.

  Once a woman has had one, it’s much easier to achieve another shortly after. And since we know that women are typically able to achieve an orgasm much easier through oral sex than traditional intercourse, it’s also one of the best ways to complete foreplay. You may want to try having oral sex just up to the moment you are about to climax, and then follow through with intercourse, ideally in a position for you that is most conducive to climaxing.

  Positions that offer the best stimulation

  Women can increase their chances of orgasm by learning what positions best stimulate their clitoris. Many women who are able to climax during intercourse say that the optimal position is straddling on top of their partner, with one of them applying manual clitoral stimulation. Most agree that intercourse in the missionary position is simply not enough.

  Intimate rocking position

  As with my description of how to tie shoelaces in the first part of the book, trying to describe how to use a sexual position that is completely counterintuitive is just as clunky. The dubiously named “coital alignment technique,” which you can see I’ve chosen to rename here, is similar to the missionary position, but instead of thrusting horizontally, the two rock up and down vertically, with him shallowly penetrating her.

  It works best if the man lies about 4 inches higher, partially resting his upper body on top of hers. The benefit is that not only does he stimulate her clitoris with the base of his penis and pubic bone, but it also allows him to last longer. With practice, you should both be able to get into a rocking motion that feels natural and may ultimately help you to climax.

  For those of you who find this position awkward (God knows that just trying to describe it was!), there is a modified intimate rocking position that will allow the man to thrust. After he enters the woman, she pulls her legs tightly together between his, allowing the shaft of his penis to stimulate her clitoris.

  I would have loved to include a picture of the position in this book, but I opted for you to use your imagination, or better yet, google it (“coital alignment technique,” that is). You likely won’t find a visual of the “intimate rocking position” anywhere on the internet, since my intern, Ruby, and I only recently coined the term over a latte in Seattle.

  Positions that best stimulate the G-spot

  For most women, the traditional missionary position is the least effective position for being able to climax, if for no other reason than that her two most sensitive areas—her clitoris and G-spot—are barely stimulated. Of course, if a woman has the great fortune not only to have a discernible G-spot but of also being with a man whose penis curves up at the end, she’s got it made. Otherwise, the best position to stimulate the woman’s G-spot is through vaginal entry from behind. This is because the woman can bend at the waist, allowing the angle of entry to maximize penile contact with the front wall of the vagina. Finally, the female-on-top position can also stimulate the G-spot, but not as easily or directly.

  Exercises to strengthen your vaginal muscles

  Finally, many people don’t realize that the vagina has muscles that can be strengthened just like any others. Both men and women find that sex can be more fulfilling when the woman has control over her vaginal muscles. The way to strengthen it is through Kegels or vaginal contractions, as described here. />
  By simply tightening and releasing the vagina periodically during the day, you can increase sexual satisfaction for both you and your partner. You can do any combination of Kegels that’s comfortable. A key advantage of these exercises is that they can be done anytime, anywhere, without others being aware of it. You can do Kegels while talking to your grocer or giving a presentation at a corporate meeting, and no one will be the wiser for it. Do them as often as necessary to maintain a healthy, strong vagina that promotes sexual gratification for both of you.

  Female ejaculation

  A small minority of women gush a clear, odorless substance from the urethra during orgasm. It’s much more watery than semen is, and is comprised mostly of glucose and acid phosphates. And, no big surprise here—the same women who experience female ejaculation are often the ones who have no doubt that they have a G-spot.

  These type of orgasms are more common through manual stimulation or a curved G-spot-stimulating vibrator, because they require more pressure and the right angle to provide direct stimulation to that area. As you know, it’s already hard for most women to climax during regular intercourse without that added stimulation or, of course, direct clitoral stimulation.

  If you would like to try to ejaculate with your partner helping you, he should try to find your G-spot, if you do indeed have one. As mentioned earlier, it would be about 1 to 2 inches inside your vagina, on the same side as your belly button, and again, it feels different from the rest of the vagina because it’s slightly ridged. Using a “come hither” motion with his middle or forefinger, he should start to slowly stroke it, building intensity as you get more aroused.

  One of the tricks to having this type of orgasm is to push into it rather than holding back when you have the sensation that you are about to climax. Of course, cover the bed with plenty of towels to avoid the inevitable “Who’s going to sleep in the wet spot?” battle afterward.*

  Why You May Tend to Feel Sexier Midcycle

  Juicy, luscious, delectable, succulent, and delicious . . . no, I’m not talking about a pineapple. I’m referring to fertile cervical fluid, as described by renowned childbirth educator Sheila Kitzinger. Of course, most women develop slippery secretions as they approach ovulation. Since it feels wet and lubricative, women are conditioned to associate it with sexual arousal. But sexual lubrication tends to dissipate in a few seconds when waved in the air. True fertile cervical fluid will usually remain on your finger.

  Besides the similarity between fertile cervical fluid and sexual lubrication, something else is responsible for women’s often feeling more sexual midcycle. The high levels of estrogen around ovulation act to heighten sexuality for many. They may also notice that their vaginal lips feel fuller and tend to blossom open. Again, this is related to increased hormones around ovulation.

  These physical changes can make women feel especially sexy at this time. Unfortunately, this increased sexuality can admittedly be somewhat untimely for women who use FAM for natural birth control, as they often feel that their fertile phase is the time they especially want to have intercourse. But many FAM users view the fertile phase as a time to be especially creative with other forms of lovemaking, knowing that in a week or so they can resume intercourse again (of course, barriers can also be used during the fertile phase, but you will need to be exceedingly careful during this time and preferably double up on protection).

  Why Intercourse Can Be Uncomfortable During Certain Phases of the Cycle

  You may occasionally feel a deep pain during intercourse. Or perhaps you notice discomfort during certain sexual positions, especially when you straddle your partner. Remember that when your estrogen levels are low and you’re outside your fertile phase, particularly after ovulation, your cervix tends to be low in your vagina. During these times, it’s possible that your partner’s penis can actually tap your cervix during intercourse.

  The reason you may feel the discomfort only when you straddle him is that the cervix tends to drop lower in that position. This makes sense when you consider that one of the the best ways to check your cervix is by squatting, since this is the position that pushes the cervix to its lowest point. This doesn’t mean that you can’t ever enjoy sex in that position, but you should be aware of the fact that when you’re in your infertile phase, your cervix may be too low to be comfortable, and you might want to adjust your position accordingly.

  How Birth Control Can Affect Your Sexuality

  It should come as no surprise that birth control can be a source of tension for many couples. Because no method is perfect, there may be drawbacks that undermine a couple’s intimacy by tending to place the burden on the woman. For example, if a woman feels resentful that she has to endure urinary tract infections from the diaphragm, or vaginal dryness and loss of libido from the Pill, she may not be as receptive to intercourse as the man is.

  But if she doesn’t have to bear the brunt of the side effects and her partner participates in her charting, she will probably be much more sexually responsive. In essence, through his actions, he can show her how respectful he is of her body and comfort, and how much he wants to share in the responsibility of contraception. The fact is that birth control doesn’t have to be a divisive issue in the bedroom.

  Among my first clients was a charming couple, Amy and Alex. As we were reviewing her charts, I realized that the writing was barely legible. It said something about her menstrual cramps that day, but I couldn’t decipher it. When I asked her what it said, she held it up to her eyes, squinted, then turned to Alex and said, “Honey, what did you write here? I can’t read it either.” As it turned out, the entire chart was in his writing, down to the most intimate details of her menstrual cycle.

  How Your Partner Can Participate in Your Charting—and Why a Sensitive Guy Would Want To

  Men fear women.

  Men fear women period.

  Men fear women’s periods.

  Men fear women not getting their periods.*

  Men are often criticized for not taking a bigger role in birth control. But the truth is that most men are caring and probably would be happy to be more actively involved if only there was a way they could. As you’ve seen, there is a way with the Fertility Awareness Method. And rather than perceiving it as work, most people agree that the minute or two a day is so enlightening that it can be fun rather than a chore. Men who help their partners chart find that they discover a lot about them in the process. Ultimately, FAM can draw couples together.

  The reality is that aside from a condom or vasectomy, the Fertility Awareness Method is the contraceptive most conducive to male involvement. Remember that the FAM rules were designed for the combined fertility of the man and woman together. Men are fertile every single day, whereas women are fertile only a few days per cycle. The first part of the woman’s fertile phase is a reflection of the man’s fertility (that is, the potential for sperm to survive 5 days in fertile cervical fluid). The second part is a reflection of the woman’s fertility (that is, the potential for an egg to survive one day, with an additional day added for a possible double ovulation).

  The woman’s fertile phase is determined by both sperm and egg viability.

  To put it more succinctly, then, a woman’s fertile phase is a function of the respective fertility of both partners. Indeed, as Dr. Suzanne Poppema of Seattle so eloquently put it in an NPR interview, “I’ve taught our sons to know that they are responsible for each and every sperm that leaves their bodies until they know the sperm are either dead or have been used to help create a pregnancy.”

  Many men who learn about the menstrual cycle are struck with the idea that the length of their partner’s fertility is primarily determined by their own continuous fertility, and thus feel equally responsible for contraception. By being so aware of their partner’s cycle, they are more understanding and cooperative, because they can no longer feign ignorance. It’s worth remembering that many accidental pregnancies result from a lack of communication between the two partners
. FAM is a wonderful way to involve both individuals equally in such an important aspect of a couple’s life.

  The Fertility Awareness Method encourages couples to communicate, simply put, because it’s more effective if both partners understand it together. As you’ve seen, men often choose to do the actual charting. In order to record the woman’s fertility signs, the man may record her temps in addition to asking her about all facets of her cycle—from what kind of secretions she had to whether she had breast tenderness or felt depressed during the day. In other words, he can become intimately in tune with his partner’s biology and emotions by simply recording her chart and helping interpret her fertile phase with her. The potential for furthering intimacy is obvious. “If you can talk about cervical fluid,” one of my male clients once joked, “you can talk about anything!”

  THE GUY’S GUIDE TO BETTER SEX

  Take out the darn trash. There. I said it. Millions of women around the world are probably sighing “Amen” to that. Understanding female sexual response is not all that big a mystery if men just internalize one of the cardinal concepts of female sexuality:

  A woman is much more likely to be sexually responsive to her partner if she doesn’t feel like she’s his mother.

  This brings us to the first concept below.

  Choreplay

  Several studies have finally validated what most women have experienced for years. Forget about locating her clitoris—for many women, there is nothing sexier than a partner who can find and use the vacuum cleaner! And most women will probably admit that what often gets their juices flowing is the sight of their partner spontaneously unloading the dishwasher without being asked. Who knew?