by Trina M. Lee
“That is my concern,” I offered, turning back to the rooftop view outside the window.
“So it is,” he agreed. “Be careful, Willow. The dark will come for you. Don’t let it claim you. There is much good you can do yet.” He waited for a reply that did not come. When I remained silent, Serene said, “Brother, you are loved. Know that.”
His departure left me feeling cold and hollow. I was sincerely touched by Serene’s attempt to reach out to me. My actions had not only hurt me but those who loved me as well.
Feeling sorry for myself wasn’t going to fix this irreparable wrong. I had to get to Christina and explain what happened. She must be thinking the worst.
I threw myself together, able to perfect my outward appearance but unable to fill the emptiness inside. I stared in the mirror, certain the changes went deeper than the color of my wings and the loss of my power. Searching my eyes revealed nothing obvious. Perhaps I’d expected the semblance of evil that showed in the eyes of a demon. I may not yet be one of them, though I was closer than I ever should have been.
Several phone calls to Christina went unanswered. Worry began to gnaw in the pit of my stomach. That feeling grew when I arrived at her apartment to find she was not home.
Leaning against the apartment door, I closed my eyes tight and thought hard, wondering where she could be. Then, much to my utter surprise, I felt myself being pulled toward her. I willed myself to be where she was, and it happened.
I remained unseen, grateful to have retained that ability until I took in my new surroundings. The hotel room was fancy. White carpets, decorative statues and a bucket of ice complete with a champagne bottle by the bed. The bed itself was large, loaded with fluffy blankets. Its appeal meant little to the couple upon it. It was, after all, merely a soft place to make a business transaction.
I was dumbstruck by what I saw. Heartbroken. I knew that creamy skin, the shock of jet-black hair across the pillow. And, that voice. There are legions of angels in the heavens and the earth, but not one with such a sweet tone.
Christina was entertaining what I presumed to be a client. They were in a provocative position, one that made me cringe in anguish. It was an act of twisted desire with the payoff being material goods rather than a genuine experience of love. It killed me to see such perversion of an act meant to be a gift.
I didn’t stay. Instead, I found myself sitting in Woody’s Pub with a shot of tequila in front of me. I spent a lot of time staring into the tiny glass.
After leaving a message for Christina telling her where I’d be, I waited. Part of me hoped she wouldn’t come. I didn’t think I could look her in the eye after what I’d seen. I did owe her an apology though, one that I preferred to deliver in person.
Envy ate its way through me like a bitter poison. Knowing what Christina did with men was not the same as witnessing it. If only I could dig the image from my mind.
I held the tequila, turning the glass to examine the contents. In the pale gold liquor, I saw the vision that would forever haunt me. I struggled against it, but jealousy made me watch again and again.
I swallowed the shot, seeking to burn the memory out of me. It didn’t work although it did hold the promise of distraction. I ordered another.
“Where the hell have you been?” Christina slid onto the stool beside me. “Are you ok? I’ve been worried sick.”
Her cheeks were flushed with false passion. She slapped a few bills on the counter and signaled the bartender for a drink. I gazed at the money, knowing how she’d come by it and hating it.
“I’m sorry I left like that. Again. I had no choice. Something happened to me after we… were together. I came as soon as I could.”
“What happened?” She asked in a hush, glancing around for eavesdroppers. Other than the bartender and the one other patron that laughed raucously with him, there was nobody within earshot.
I hesitated. Could I do any more damage if this affair continued? “There were repercussions for what we did. I paid a price.”
“Oh my God.” She covered her mouth and gasped; I’d come to look forward to her dramatic mannerism. “Have you been cast out?”
“I have.” I nodded, flinching at her choice of words. “I’ve fallen.”
“I’m so sorry, Willow. I was so worried. I kept imagining all these horrible things that might have happened to you.” Christina grabbed my hand and peered up at me with worry shining in those dazzling dark eyes. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.”
I took a deep breath and tossed back another splash of tequila. After a few, it didn’t taste quite so toxic; it was even almost good.
“Is that so? It didn’t quite appear that way an hour ago when you were on your knees for another man.” Jealousy’s flame continued to burn, but I regretted saying it.
She recoiled immediately, horror etched on her face. Her jaw dropped in speechless shock. My gaze landed on her painted red lips. I had kissed those lips and felt her body against me. I wanted her to be mine and mine alone. That would never happen no matter how desperately I wanted to believe otherwise.
“What?” Christina’s voice cracked and she shook her head, confused. “Were you watching me? Like, spying?”
“I saw you,” I admitted, enjoying the painful burn that scorched my insides with each tequila shot. “I didn’t stay to watch; I wish I’d never seen it.”
“What the fuck, Willow?” She was angry. Fierce tears welled up in her eyes. With her fists clenched, she sat stiffly, and I thought she might hit me. “That’s an invasion of my privacy. How could you do that to me?”
Instantly, I hated myself. Feelings I had never experienced before dominated my thoughts. The jealousy was maddening, making me question everything. So much had changed so quickly. When had I become so weak willed?
“How could you do it? Jump into bed with the first guy that throws some money at you? You’re better than that, Christina.” My voice rose, and I took a moment to calm myself. “We shared something special. I risked everything to be with you. Doesn’t that mean anything?”
I wasn’t sure where the sudden selfishness was coming from. It filled me with bitterness so profound that it left a sour taste in my mouth. Somehow being with her had distorted my view of our situation.
Christina stared at me, aghast. She sputtered a few times, trying to form words. “I don’t even know how to answer that. I trusted you. I gave myself to you, my real self. Despite how many times I told myself I couldn’t, I still fell in love with you.” She let that hang between us; her declaration, which should have meant so much, was cheapened by my envy.
“You’re in love with me?” I echoed, uncertain I’d heard her right. It was what I wanted, but it didn’t feel right, not anymore. “Then why would you… how could you go right back to sleeping with men for money?”
Downing a tequila shot, Christina wiped the corner of her mouth and gave a short, mirthless laugh. “My life can’t just stop every time you disappear on me. In case you hadn’t noticed, falling in love doesn’t come with a winning lottery ticket. You leave me so fast that I start to question whether you’re even real. Maybe I’m in a mental hospital somewhere, right now, hallucinating a different reality. This is all pretty hard to process, Willow.”
“I don’t want you to be with them,” I said. “I’m sorry. I know I have no right to expect you to change everything because of me. That’s inappropriate. Your choices should always be your own. Jealousy is plaguing me, and I can’t make it stop.”
I sounded helpless and lost, which was exactly how I felt. The warmth of the tequila created a numb sensation on the surface, so I could almost tune out the constant replay of what I’d seen tonight.
She stood up to leave, and my heart squeezed painfully. Hitching her purse over her shoulder, she studied me with sad eyes. One single tear escaped.
“You have no idea how badly I wish we could save each other.” A deep, shaky breath racked her. Taking my hand, she pressed it to her chest so I
could feel the steady beat of her heart. “This isn’t a fairytale. I can never be what you want, and you will never be what I need. It’s my turn to disappear. If you really care, you’ll let me go.”
“Christina, don’t-,”
She placed a finger over my lips, silencing me. With a soft sigh, she shook her head. Her lower lip trembled, and I took it as an invitation to kiss her.
I tried to hold tight to her as she pulled away. “Please,” she begged. “Just let me go. Before we cause anymore misery.”
“No.” I had no other words. I reached for her, but she was already gone, heading for the door. “Christina, wait!”
I went after her, unwilling to let it end this way. I had given up everything for love, her love, and she wanted to throw it away without even giving it a chance. Unacceptable.
“You can’t do this,” I babbled. “You can’t walk away now.”
“I can. And, I am.” Her hand on the door, Christina looked back at me with sorrow and something else, regret perhaps. “Goodbye, Willow. I will never forget you.”
Without a backwards glance, Christina strode out the door and out of my world. I could have gone after her; I wanted to, but chasing her down the street like an abandoned dog was not how I envisioned the culmination of our love. I let her go.
Chapter Seven
I lost track of the days and nights as they passed. It was all I could do to keep up with Alexa. Ensuring her safety was all I had left to keep me going. My reason for existence had died, yet here I was.
For the most part, both the angels and the demons ignored me until Shya visited my apartment. I felt his presence though he hadn’t manifested, and I was grateful for the forewarning.
“What do you want?” I demanded, in no mood to play the demon’s game. My voice rang out in the dark as I moved through the apartment, turning on lights. “Are you so pathetic that all you can do is creep about unseen? You must be trying to piss me off.”
His disembodied laughter echoed around me. “Does it make you feel better to blame the darkness for your mistakes?” The voice that answered was smooth as silk.
Shya stood in the middle of the small living room. Dressed all in black, his deep ruby eyes shone especially bright.
“Yes,” I said. “It does.”
My mistakes were my own. However, he came here to gloat, and I wasn’t about to give him the satisfaction of witnessing my self-loathing.
“We both know that isn’t true, but I’m not here to argue. If I want to argue, I’ll drop in on the Pope.” A wicked chuckle made Shya uglier than usual.
“That isn’t funny.”
“No? Anyhow, I think you know why I’m here.”
“Do I?” I stared at the intruder in my house, ready to give him the confrontation he was seeking.
“Of course.” The demon never once took his eyes off me, but he did glide over to the bookcase where my holy books were housed.
My gaze intensified, daring Shya to lay hands on my things. His hand hovered in the air inches from my Bible, but he didn’t touch it.
“And, what reason is that?” Anger laced my words, and an alien sense of hate filled me.
“You are afraid. I don’t blame you.”
“Get to the point.” Fear wasn’t my problem; the hate was getting the better of me.
“I have power over this world. And now, you are part of it.”
“You better not be implying what I think you are, Shya. I didn’t fall so that I could serve you. It was self-serving. Wrong. Stupid. But, it had nothing to do with you.” My voice rose an octave or two, and I stared at the hand that wavered so close to my things.
“If you are serving yourself, you surely cannot be serving God. Therefore, you are serving the darkness.”
“Get out of here. You are not welcome.”
“Some might think I’m not welcome in the Vatican either, yet I can walk its halls any time I like.” A smile crossed his lips, but it was neutral, not quite as mocking as his words.
Shya’s spindly fingers closed around the binding of the Bible and lifted it from its place. He held it in his hand easily, feeling its weight. I stood frozen in anticipation.
“Do you really think you will ever get back in?” Shya’s tone held genuine curiosity.
I didn’t bother trying to disguise my disgust. I ran a hand tiredly through my hair.
“I don’t know. What’s it to you anyway? I’m not going to work for you.”
“He never let me back in.” Was that a somber note in Shya’s voice?
“You turned on Him. I didn’t. You never wanted back in.”
“How do you know?”
The words hung in the air between us. Crossing my arms over my chest, I stood my ground, glaring at the lying fiend.
“That’s between you and Him.” I shrugged. I really didn’t give a damn to hear Shya’s sob story. He was appealing to my sense of loss, trying to manipulate me. “I don’t want to hear anymore. I’m not working for you, now or ever.”
Shya began to flip idly through the pages of the Bible. He gave a chuckle here, a smirk there. I grew impatient, waiting for him to tire of this game.
“You already work for me, Willow. Eventually, you’ll accept that. Why else would one of the highest ranking angels abandon everything for the love of a whore? You belong to the darkness now.” More laughter. His eyes glittered with amusement. Shya was finding true joy in my predicament.
I burned with a rage that was foreign to my kind. As unnatural as it was, it felt good. The need to inflict my pain upon another was strong, promising a temporary release.
“You don’t know a damn thing about my love for Christina. She is a woman, a child of God like any other. Don’t speak of her again.” My fists clenched and unclenched. It was all I could do not to smack that smug smile from Shya’s face. I didn’t want a fight; I just wanted to be rid of him.
“It’s incredibly difficult, isn’t it? To love a woman that will always belong to another.” He continued to flip pages, almost absently as he stared at me. “I understand quite well. I, too, have felt the bitter sting of jealousy. Someone should have warned you. Never fall in love with a whore. It will drive you to the depths of madness, from which there is no return.”
“Get out,” I said again, wishing he would just go. Every moment in his presence was suffocating, crushing my remaining strength.
“Do you not see? I am here to help you, to set you free from that which holds you bound to this earthly world. You don’t belong here. You belong with us.”
“Get out!” My shout echoed throughout the apartment. I used my meager power to slap the book out of his hands. It hit the floor with a thump that kicked up a small puff of dust.
There was a tense moment where we stared at one another, me with daggers in my eyes and Shya with the narrowed intrigue of a true monster. The tables had been turned. He now commanded greater power; I no longer outranked him. Only if I were to become full demon would that change, but I would never sink that revoltingly low.
Shya advanced on me slowly. Malice distorted his face into something sinister. I hated him and everything he stood for, and he was hell bent on making me regret that.
“I anticipated great resistance from you. I’ve got to admit, it’s nice to be presented with a challenge every now and again.” He got intrusively close, leaning in like a lover until we were almost touching. “Because I still actually respect you, I’m going to offer you a choice.”
I barely nodded, unwilling to get any closer. My apprehension rose along with my displeasure. “I reserve the right to reject your choices and send you on your merry way.”
Shya’s snake-like pupils dilated with excitement. This was a creature that enjoyed every second of misery it inflicted upon another. He was about to deliver some of that misery to me.
“What means more to you? Your duty or your love?” Husky and sensual, Shya spoke with a calm malevolence that demanded my full attention. “Two lives, the wolf and the whore. You ca
n spare only one. Who do you choose?”
Hatred flowed through me like poison in my veins. It bonded to my being, becoming a part of me. I shoved him backwards, needing him out of my face. I followed that act of aggression with an attack of power.
With a loud bang, a spark of light flashed between us. Shya hit the opposite wall hard, rattling the cross and sconces that hung on that wall. Laughter poured from the demon. My meager attack had done little other than remind me who I was now.
“So, there is still some fight left in you,” Shya cackled, unfurling his black wings like a living shadow. “Maybe you haven’t fallen all that far yet. Make your choice, Willow. Or, I will gladly make it for you.”
“You have no right. I won’t be controlled by you, demon.”
I fought unsuccessfully to resist the sudden panic that weakened my knees. I couldn’t make sense of this. I had fallen and lost Christina in the process. Wasn’t that enough punishment for now?
Pressure slammed into my chest, like a hand punching inside to crush what was left of my heart. I went down hard on the floor. The weight of Shya’s power was too heavy. My anguished cry could barely escape between my clenched teeth.
The demon stood over me, a ghost of a smile causing his lips to twitch. “Wrong answer. That’s alright. You’ll know better next time.”
He was gone. I had no time to decide where to go. It was my duty to go to Alexa. If she wasn’t safe, if Shya hurt her, then it would be my fault. She would not pay for my sins; I couldn’t allow it.
As she was no longer officially my charge, I couldn’t instantly be at her side as I once had. I had to visit a few different places before I found her, safe and alive in the nightclub near her house.
There was no sign of Shya. The taint of evil did not linger in the noisy establishment. He had never come here, though he had known I would.
I prayed hard. The precious moments it took me to make the jump to Christina’s were the longest of my existence. I didn’t waste time, appearing in the middle of her apartment instead of at her door.