It had not escaped Keith’s awareness that he thought about Kristina far more than was healthy. If it was simply a matter of her body, he could have easily discounted that fact. Thinking about a woman’s legs and breasts and lips were normal, at least for Keith, but thinking about her in any other capacity was dangerous. Keith had taken to imagining random moments with Kristina… just moments of intimacy that were totally removed from sex. He felt that warm feeling grow in the pit of his belly, and he hated having to shove it down and remind himself that he had no right to feel such things.
Still, despite how hard he tried, Keith couldn’t stop imagining it… the picture of him and Kristina as a couple. He wondered what that would be like, if their differences would end up breaking them apart, or if by some miracle it wouldn’t matter in the end. For a second, he let himself imagine it. He imagined a small apartment and a meal sitting on the table in front of the kitchen. He imagined Kristina dancing around the kitchen while he helped her, following her instructions as though his life depended on it.
It was strange how easy it was for Keith to imagine the domestic scene. He had no idea that the image in his head was one he had ever really desired in the first place. He had experienced small moments like that with Natalie, but that kind of normalcy did not belong to them. They had never been that kind of couple.
Keith was still thinking of strange domestic scenes that had no place in his life when he pulled up at his mother’s house. He found Emma sitting by the television, watching some old game show that had probably been off the air for a while. He fell into the seat beside her without a word and stared at the screen without seeing anything. He could feel his mother’s eyes on him, and after a moment, she turned off the television and looked at him pointedly, as though she had just asked him a question and she was waiting for the answer.
“What?” Keith asked tiredly.
“You seem sad,” Emma said.
“Sad?” Keith said with surprise.
“Yes,” Emma nodded firmly. “Why is that?”
Keith took a moment. “Just… you know… life.”
“Life?” Emma asked with one raised eyebrow. “Does that translate to Kristina?”
Keith looked away from his mother. She had the kind of eyes that made you feel like you had to spill your guts whether you wanted to or not. “I don’t want to talk about it, Mom,” Keith said as exhaustion tinged his voice.
Emma sighed, but she nodded. “Alright then,” she said. “What would you like to talk about?”
Keith looked at her in surprise, and then he smiled. “Remember my ninth birthday?”
Emma laughed. “Of course I remember your ninth birthday… it was probably the best day. Arnold was away for God knows what reason and it was just you and me.”
“You took me into the city,” Keith said as he remembered the day.
“And we went to the carnival,” Emma nodded. “And the aquarium…”
“And we ate hot dogs and cotton candy in the park,” Keith finished.
“The moment we got home you threw up,” Emma reminded him.
“And you still let me have cake while we watched the movie,” Keith said.
“I did,” Emma nodded. “It didn’t seem right not to have birthday cake on your birthday.”
“That was a great day,” Keith nodded. “It was… surreal… like a moment out of someone else’s life.”
“Did it feel that way to you?” Emma asked with curiosity.
“Yeah,” Keith nodded. “The whole day I kept waiting for someone to walk up to us and tell us we didn’t belong there. I kept waiting for people to point and shake their heads at us. I kept waiting for someone to realize that we were imposters.”
“You felt like an imposter?” Emma asked.
“I felt as though that kind of day belonged to a different type of person,” Keith said struggling with his explanation. “Someone… with a future.”
“You have a future, son,” Emma said softly.
“Not really,” Keith said, shaking his head. “What I have is a gang… what I have is a crime business that will one day be usurped. And that’s ok… I’ll still be fine once it’s all over. I’ll ride my bike from town to town, taking odd jobs and living in cheap motels till I’m old and gray. I just don’t know that that constitutes a future.”
Emma looked at him with so much sadness in her eyes that Keith couldn’t bear to sit there any longer. He laid a kiss on her forehead and rose from the sofa. “I’ll see you soon, Mom,” he said, as he made his way to the door.
“Goodnight, son,” Emma replied, and he could almost hear the regret and guilt in her voice.
“Ma?” Keith said before he left.
“Yes?”
“You were a good mother, you know,” Keith said softly, knowing she would hear him. “The very best.”
Emma’s eyes were bright with tears. “Thank you, son,” she replied.
Keith rode home with his head full of thoughts of his childhood. Every now and again an image of Kristina would pierce through, and he would fall back into the present. He was at the threshold of his door when he noticed an envelope sticking under the crack of his door. Keith bent down and pulled it out without bothering to enter his apartment first.
He tore the seal and pulled out the piece of paper nestled inside it. He stared down at the image on the paper. It was clear as day…a picture of Kristina as she left a class. There were no words written there, but the threat was clear. An unspoken promise had been made. The gauntlet had well and truly been thrown to the ground.
Chapter Twenty Three
Kristina
“Hi, Mom,” Kristina said, as the dial tone gave way to the sound of gentle breathing.
“Hello?”
“Mom?”
“Who is this?” Lillian Reilly replied in her curt, business-like voice.
Kristina had to swallow back her retort. She took a deep breath and softened her tone. “Who else calls you Mom?” Kristina asked, trying to keep her voice level.
“Kristina?” her mother’s voice rose slightly. “Sorry darling, the line isn’t clear. Let me move inside.”
Kristina listened, as she heard movement on the other line before the line crystalized into clarity. “There we go,” her mother said. “That’s better.”
“You can hear me now?”
“Perfectly,” Lillian replied. “How are you?”
“Good,” Kristina said. “I just… well it’s been a while since we spoke… so I thought I’d call and… have a chat.”
“Have a chat,” Lillian repeated, as though she were amused by the idea. “How lovely… you caught me at a good time, too.”
“Lucky me,” Kristina said, struggling to contain the sarcasm in her tone.
She was surprised at how strangely resentful she was all of a sudden. She shouldn’t have been surprised however; she had always had that kind of relationship with both her parents. Whenever there was distance between them, Kristina saw only the good things about them, but whenever a conversation needed to be held, all the little resentments that she had bottled up during her childhood came tumbling to the surface, clamoring to be addressed.
“How are things?” Lillian asked, oblivious to Kristina’s mental struggle. “How’s school?”
“School is good,” Kristina answered automatically. “Finals are coming up.”
“Oh that’s right,” Lillian said. “I’d forgotten… doesn’t that mean graduation is around the corner?”
“It is,” Kristina nodded. “You and Dad are coming, aren’t you?”
“I will be coming of course,” Lillian replied as her tone changed considerably. “You’ll have to ask your father yourself.”
Kristina sensed the change and felt her body tense in response. “What’s wrong, Mom?” she asked. “Did something happen between you and Dad?”
Lillian didn’t even hesitate. “Your father and I have separated,” she said without emotion.
“Separated?” Kristin
a repeated. “When?”
“A few weeks ago,” Lillian replied.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Kristina demanded.
“I was a little busy, darling,” Lillian said unapologetically. “What with my schedule and kicking your father out and all.”
Kristina took another deep breath. Sometimes she felt as though her relationship with her parents were just a series of steady, deep breaths. “You kicked Dad out?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“He was cheating,” Lillian replied. “With some hussy at the firm.”
“I always suspected Dad would end up as some sad cliché,” Kristina said before she could stop herself.
To her surprise, Lillian laughed. “He is, isn’t he?” she said.
“How did you find out?” Kristina asked.
“He told me,” Lillian said after a slight pause.
“He told you?” Kristina replied incredulously.
“Yes,” Lillian replied. “He came home one night a few weeks ago and told me that he had been sleeping with some woman from the firm… he told me it had been happening for over a year and he was in love with this other woman.”
“What did you say?”
“What could I say?” Lillian said. “I stood up. I told him to pack his bags and leave—and an hour later, he drove away.”
“And what happened after that?”
“I was called into work,” Lillian replied. “So I got dressed and went in for a fifteen-hour shift. I haven’t spoken to your father since that day, and I don’t care to.”
“So… what is this separation exactly?” Kristina asked hesitantly.
“What?”
“I mean… is this a separation with hope of reconciliation, or is this a separation with the intention of divorce?”
“You think I should take your father back after he cheated on me?” Lillian demanded as though she was insulted by the thought.
“I didn’t say that,” Kristina said immediately. “I’m just asking a question.”
“There’s no question,” Lillian replied coldly. “I’m divorcing that mother fucker and I’m going to milk him for all he’s worth.”
Kristina felt her muscles clench with tension. “Do you really think that’s wise, Mom?” Kristina asked, unable to keep from asking the question.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that Dad is a lawyer,” Kristina said. “He’s a shark and so is every other lawyer at his firm. Do you really want to go about a divorce that way?"
“It’s not even about the money, Kristina,” Lillian said. “It’s about the principal. He did something despicable, and now he’s going to pay for it.”
“The question is not whether he deserves to pay for it or not, the question is whether you can win this battle?”
Lillian was quiet for a while. “I have to do this.”
Kristina sighed to herself. “Alright.”
“Let’s stop talking about this now,” Lillian said abruptly. “It’s giving me a headache. Let’s talk about you.”
Kristina was already regretting her decision to call her mother. “I’m fine, school’s fine.”
“And how is Marley?”
“It’s Marie,” Kristina said. “You’ve met her a few times.”
“Yes, yes,” Lillian said impatiently. “How is she?”
“Fine.”
“Do you have a boyfriend?”
Kristina hesitated. “I… I… no… I don’t,” she said stumbling over her words.
“That didn’t sound very convincing at all.”
“It’s complicated,” Kristina said.
“Isn’t every relationship?” Lillian said. “What’s his name?"
“I… his name is Keith,” Kristina said finally.
“What is his major?” Lillian asked immediately.
Kristina rolled her eyes. It was so typical of her mother to be interested in that one aspect above everything else. “He’s not in college, Mom.”
“An older man?” Lillian asked sounding impressed. “Is he a professor?”
“I didn’t meet him on campus,” Kristina said. “He’s not in college at all.”
“Ah, he’s already graduated then?” Lillian assumed. “Where did he go to college?”
“He didn’t,” Kristina said, inviting in her mother’s disapproval. “He dropped out of high school early on and left his schooling behind at the same time.”
There was silence on the other end for quite a while before Lillian finally said, “Oh Kristina.”
“What?” Kristina demanded defensively.
“He’s a high school dropout?” Lillian went on. “Well, obviously I assume this is a short-term relationship.”
“Why would you assume that?” Kristina asked. “Maybe it’s not. Maybe I plan to be with this guy for a very long time.”
“Don’t joke.”
“I’m not joking,” Kristina said raising her voice. “I really, really like this guy.”
“Why?”
“Because… I don’t know… because he’s different from everyone I’ve known my whole life.”
“Ah…so that’s it, is it?” Lillian asked. “This is you rebelling?”
“Oh, for God’s sake, Mom,” Kristina exclaimed. “This is not about rebellion.”
“Of course it is,” Lillian insisted. “This is the same reason you’re father cheated.”
“Excuse me?”
“He got bored,” Lillian went on. “He got bored with his perfect, carefree, drama-free life, so he decided to go out there and rebel against it. He decided to throw away his perfect life in favor of something inferior. Only he doesn’t know that yet.”
“And you’re comparing him to me now, are you?” Kristina demanded.
“You have had a perfect life, my darling,” Lillian said with certainty. “And you’re bored with it. So you’ve decided to involve yourself with someone completely different so that you can escape that boredom. But I’ll tell you this… it won’t last. It won’t last because he’s not worthy of you. You deserve someone amazing.”
“And by that you mean someone who went to college and has a successful career and a respectable family?”
“Well, of course,” Lillian nodded. “You may be too young to see the value of those things now, but trust me, one day you will.”
“Did you?”
“Excuse me?”
“Given the current state of your marriage… do you really think that those things are still important?” Kristina demanded.
“Yes.”
Kristina shook her head. “All I’m trying to say is that I want substance over superficiality,” she said, trying to make her mother understand. “I don’t care what he does or where he went to college, or if he went to college at all. I just want a relationship that is born out of sincerity. Even growing up, sometimes I felt as though you and Dad got married because it was the best option, not because you were in love with each other.”
“We did love each other…” Lillian said, but she sounded unsure of her own words.
“Maybe you just thought you loved each other,” Kristina said. “Maybe you were blinded by his respectable family and his ivy league education and his successful career. Maybe you mistook that for love.”
“You’re wrong,” Lillian said, but again, Kristina could hear the doubt in her mother’s voice.
“Do you know that I never saw you being affectionate with one another?” Kristina went on. “It was like the two of you were business partners. There was no feeling between you two. None that I could see at least. I always wondered how you made it work.”
“Can I ask you a question?” Lillian asked softly.
“Yes.”
“Were you surprised when I told you that your father had cheated?”
Somehow, Kristina had been anticipating that question. “No, Mom,” she said as gently as possible, “I wasn’t surprised.”
“I see,” Lillian said as though she were far a
way and talking to someone else.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“This guy… Keith… I feel so… alive when I’m with him,” Kristina tried to explain the feeling. It was like lightening in a bottle. “It’s like I can breathe easier and laugh easier. My body is on fire every time he touches me, and all I want to do is be with him, near him, whatever I can get. I’ve never had that with anyone else, and I’m not sure if I’m ever going to.”
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