Subway 4

by Violet Hunter

  We sat on boxes close together, watching. It was quiet there, away from the noise of London. A slight breeze was blowing on the surface of the water making ripples. A cold mist hung above the lake and I zipped my jacket up. Though I didn’t want to I thought about Wayne.

  He was on my case from the day I was born. You never knew where you were with him. Sometimes he was OK and other times he was mad. He would lure you in, be very friendly and then turn on you. The last time we fought wasn’t the worst but it was the one I remembered. It was a few years back. I’d borrowed his games console and was playing on it when it broke. At first he pretended it was no big deal, he’d wait until I could pay him back, then one night he came back drunk and told me I had to get him a new one the next day – if I didn’t have the money I’d have to steal one. When I said I couldn’t he started pushing me around. I fought back and he punched me in the stomach. I fell over, twisting my wrist. I was screaming with the pain which was worse than anything I’d ever felt. Wayne just walked out of the house. Soon after that he left. I didn’t know exactly what happened, but I thought Mum must have told him to go.

  As if he knew what I was thinking Liam said, “He won’t be around for long. You know what he’s like, he’ll hook up with another girl soon, though God knows what anyone sees in him.”

  I hated the fact that I was still intimidated by Wayne and that Liam knew it.

  “Things are changing,” I said.

  “Oh yeah?”

  I hadn’t told him I was thinking of joining the NER. He was different to me about ethnics; he had a Paki friend, Nitin. Stupid name. He mentioned him quite often like he was something special. If I thought about it longer I could get suspicious because Liam didn’t have any girlfriends. He never brought Nitin to the house though; he must have known he wouldn’t be welcomed with open arms.

  “He’ll find out if I bump into him again.”

  He looked a bit doubtful but nodded.

  We didn’t talk much after that in case we disturbed the fish. The mist crept round behind and I could feel cold drops on the back of my neck. I pulled the hood of my fleece over my head, sank my neck into the warm fabric and breathed out.

  There was a tug on my line.

  Liam said, “Looks like a big one, don’t let it go.”

  His tail was thrashing hard on the water. I gave extra line then reeled him in. Up he came. He was big, at least 15 pounds; a carp. We were having a battle; he leapt in the air and twisted round, eyes wide, flopped down and then up again but each time it wasn’t as high. At last we got him into the net and on the landing mat. Liam got his phone out, I held the fish up and he took a photo. Then I put him back in the water and he swam away.

  We stayed a while longer but there was no more action and Liam said, “I’m starving, let’s go and get a burger.”

  “I’ll come with you next weekend if you want,” I said.

  He laughed. “Think you’ll catch another? You just got lucky that time.”

  “You’re jealous. Never mind, your older brother will teach you how to do it.”

  As we walked back across the park he said, “You’ve been seeing Shelley a lot, you’ll be getting married soon.”

  “Don’t be stupid.”

  “I can hear wedding bells, you’ll be down that aisle, kids, mortgage, all that stuff,” he said.

  “Yeah, yeah, in your dreams.”

  * * *

  Shelley was working behind the bar at the White Horse when I first met her. Later she got a job in a wine bar. She had long black hair and was very pretty. I watched as she poured the drinks. Even though she was small she could handle the punters.

  It was her eighteenth in two weeks and I wanted to get her something special. At her favourite clothes shop nothing caught my eye so I tried the one next door. Looking through the rails I spotted a silver top made from a sort of metallic material that was flexible. It would look really good with her black hair. I picked up the price tag. It was a lot. I left the shop feeling bad that I couldn’t afford it. It was shit working and not having much left over after paying for travelling and fags. I’d been working for Uncle Ray for a few months. I liked him, he didn’t promise things and then go back on them like Dad used to but he didn’t pay a lot.

  When I was young I wanted to design cars. I drew shape after shape, more and more fancy, state of the art, filling notebooks. I had separate pages for seats, dashboard and wheel hubs. I wanted to turn up at some really gorgeous girl’s house in the car I designed, say, ‘Yeah, this one’s my latest model.’

  I was going to do an engineering course but the teachers said it was no good just being good at drawing; you had to know about maths, 3D volumes, model scales. I was useless with numbers. After they said that I gave up thinking about it. I hated seeing new cars come out; they were crap and I knew I could have done better. After school I started a plumbing course but failed the first year. I tried getting other work but there was nothing going.

  One day Ray came round and said, “I’ll give you a try out with the decorating business, Jimmy. I need to do something to help your mum, she doesn’t look too good.”

  I hadn’t done much painting before but I said yes. I didn’t have much choice. Ray said if I worked hard he might take me on permanently. I’d been doing it for a few months now. I didn’t really like the work but I did it as well as I could, took my time, clearing up drips, keeping my hand steady with the brush.

  Ray liked Shelley and said he’d give me an extra thirty quid towards her present so I bought the silver top, wrapping it in red paper to make it look really special. We were going for an Italian but I went round her house first because I wanted her to wear the top out. I watched as she unwrapped it. She gasped as she took it out.

  “It’s lovely Jimmy,” she said, holding it up and admiring herself in the mirror. “It must have cost a fortune.”

  I shrugged and smiled. “Whatever it was you’re worth it.”

  She put it on. It looked even better than I imagined. She kissed me full on the mouth. I pulled her closer. The top was like snakeskin covering her body.

  Later at the restaurant I ordered some sparkling wine and we toasted her being eighteen.

  She said, “This is it. I’m going to make a new start now. I’m giving up working in the wine bar soon. I thought the tips would be good but I’m still not making enough to save anything. I might go to college to do a course, events management maybe.”

  I didn’t like the idea of her studying; she might meet other blokes who fancied her.

  “Isn’t that just organising things?” I said.

  “It’d make a change from people ordering you about, you should hear the things people say to me sometimes. The posher they are the worse they treat me.”

  I didn’t want to argue on her birthday so I said she should do it if it was going to make her happy.

  “Maybe after I’ve done the course we could get a place together. That’d be nice, wouldn’t it?” she said, leaning across the table and kissing me.

  “So long as we can do what we did earlier every night,” I said.

  We left the restaurant and got the Tube. We were walking back to hers when I saw Chris and Dean coming towards us. I cursed under my breath. Shelley couldn’t stand Chris.

  “Well, well, it’s that loved-up twosome,” Chris said.

  He looked pissed. Dean was swaying from side to side.

  “Alright,” I said, hoping we could get away quick but Chris wasn’t having any of it.

  “You look gorgeous Miss Shelley, good enough to eat. Sorry, didn’t mean it like that.”

  Shelley blushed.

  “Fuck off Chris, we’re having a special night, we don’t need your crap,” I said.

  Dean was leering and I wanted to punch him. Chris wouldn’t shut up. I could sense Shelley ten
sing up beside me.

  I said, “Come on Shelley, let’s go,” but she pulled away from me, went up to Chris and said, “You know what, you’re really stupid. You’re trying to come on to me so you can divide me and Jimmy. It won’t work, so forget it.”

  Then she turned away and started walking up the road. Chris had a look of mock fear on his face and Dean was laughing.

  Chris said, “She’s got you right where she wants you Jimmy, no mistake.”

  “Yeah well, it’s her birthday, she can do what she likes; you two better piss off or…”

  “Oh yeah, what have you got in mind?” Chris moved closer.

  I didn’t want any trouble so I laughed and clapped him on the shoulder. “Only joking. See you later.”

  I caught up with Shelley. “They’re just pissed; they didn’t mean anything by it.”

  “They’re morons. Did you see the way Dean looked at me?”

  “I’ll keep away from him if it makes you happy.”

  “And Chris?”

  She caught my expression and turned away.

  4

  VALERIE

  I was round at Renee’s, eating the vegetable lasagne she’d made, which was delicious.

  “I haven’t heard about the audition which probably means I didn’t get it. I’m so fed up.”

  “You’ll be fine. Something good’s around the corner, just you wait and see,” she said, waving a fork laden with pasta at me.

  “OK, wise woman, I’m trying to believe you,” I said, laughing.

  Renee had been on the drama course with Anton and me. I thought she was a good actor but she suffered from really bad pre-performance nerves. She’d tried all sorts of relaxation and breathing exercises but nothing seemed to work. After graduation she decided to become a teacher instead. She seemed happy.

  Turned out she was right about the audition because the next day I got an email calling me back. I was excited and was immediately dreaming about beginning professional rehearsals, then I had to remind myself that I was only halfway there and the really hard part was yet to come.

  I’d been given two scenes to learn and started straight away, working on them every spare minute. One was a monologue by Chrissie, in which she was trying to cope with her boyfriend’s moods. To begin with it was hard to find her voice and understand her character. I couldn’t imagine being in her situation, having a partner whose job was fighting a war, not knowing when they left for work if you’d ever see them again. I read the lines over and over and gradually she began to take shape in my mind. I put the script down and began to walk around the room. I used my whole body when I was searching for a character, speaking the words standing up, lying down, walking around the room. Slowly I started to feel my way into her skin.

  In the second scene Chrissie had an argument with Paul. The actor playing him had already been cast and we’d be doing the scene together. I asked Renee round to stand in for him.

  “I don’t mind helping you, as long as I’m nowhere near a stage,” she said. We went over and over the scene, only stopping to stretch and drink water. I’d been given this chance and I was determined to really go for it.

  At the audition I met the actor playing Paul, whose name was Richard, for the first time. He was white and didn’t look anything like I’d imagined but from the moment we began the scene it was clear that the timing worked and our argument sounded real enough. After he’d exited the stage I took my place, ready for the monologue.

  I’d practised the transition between scenes, slowing my speech and movement right down, addressing the imaginary audience on one side of the auditorium and then the other. At the end I bowed and left the stage, pleased with how it went but no idea what the outcome would be.

  On the bus next day I got an email. I’d been offered the part of Chrissie. I studied my phone. Looked away then back again. The words were still there. First rehearsal on Wednesday, come prepared to work. A smile formed and, at the same time, tears. I looked out the window. As the bus crossed Waterloo Bridge, the sun was low in the west, clouds spreading out like fingers.

  * * *

  Rehearsals started. The director, Lucy, had a huge reputation so when I met her I was surprised how small and quietly spoken she was. She had a clear vision of what she wanted, rarely praised us but I liked her; I could tell that everything she asked us to do was because she wanted the play to work better.

  Becoming closer to the character of Chrissie I began to think more about the history of war and wondered how many women had been in her situation. Their husbands or sons coming home from war after months, sometimes years away, often looking just the same until gradually the scars started to reveal themselves.

  I worked hard. My clothes were often soaked with sweat. I was in many of the scenes and there were few places where I could drop my level of concentration. Some of the action was physical – at one rehearsal Richard caught my arm harder than usual and my cry of pain was real.

  “I’m really sorry Valerie, I misjudged it, it won’t happen again,” he said.

  Apart from doing some weekend shifts at the cafe I had little time for anything else. I didn’t mind though, it was the life I wanted.

  One night I was lying on the sofa, recovering from a particularly long rehearsal when Anton called.

  “How’re the rehearsals going?”

  “Hard work, but I love it.”

  “Good, that’s how it should be.”

  “What about the musical?” I said.

  “Great, it’s sold out every night. They’re extending the run.”

  “That’s amazing.”

  “Trouble is Leila’s annoyed. She was here last weekend; we had a row. She said she didn’t like me being away so much. I said it might be like this until I get established and she said it’s not how she wants to live. I don’t know if it’s going to work out.”

  He’d been going out with Leila for about a year. I’d met her once. She was a beautiful Asian woman, training to be a lawyer.

  “That’s sad,” I said. I couldn’t tell from his tone what he was feeling.

  “She wants life planned and organised. I said that’s difficult when you’re an actor, you have to take what comes.”

  “Perhaps it’s hard for people with normal jobs to understand.”

  “Maybe you’re right. Anyway, I wondered if you wanted to come up to see the show before you open? You could stay over.” There was a slight pause. “I’ll sleep on the sofa.”

  We laughed a little.

  “Definitely,” I said.

  After the phone call I sat looking out of the window. The plane trees had lost their leaves, exposing the long, elegant branches. A young couple was walking through the park; they looked as if they were newly in love or lust and couldn’t wait to be together in private. I thought about Anton. Strong feelings were trying to surface but I pushed them down. I had other things to focus on.

  5

  JIMMY

  It was cold and I was walking fast, taking the short cut by the tracks. The arches made dark shadows across the path. Old drinks cans were stuck in between the struts and on the spikes of the grey metal fence: Carlsberg Special, Diamond Ice.

  Up ahead someone stepped out from behind a wall. Two others appeared alongside. Fear leapt into my throat like bile. One was Asian, the other two black. I could smell skunk. I looked behind me but the road was a long way back. There was nothing else to do but go on. I was level – they stepped back like they were going to let me go past – then one jumped forward and grabbed me. He shoved his face into mine.

  “Give us your phone.”

  The other two were going through my pockets. I was nearly pissing myself. Any moment there’d be a knife in my side. I pulled the phone out. I couldn’t speak.

  He grabbed it and laughed. “Good decisi
on, white boy.”

  They moved back into the dark spaces and I ran. I reached the safety of the estate and looked back. They were nowhere to be seen. It was almost like it had never happened except that I was shaking and my phone was gone.

  * * *

  That night I decided. The bastards weren’t going to get away with it – I was joining the NER.

  Thursday night. The room was crammed to overflowing. Most looked ordinary, not like members of a right-wing army. There were quite a few women too, even one really attractive one who was sitting near me. People were calling across the room.

  “Oi, Stevie, see you got a new haircut, who are you trying to impress? Your missus left you has she?”

  “Shut it mate, just cos yours did a runner with a Paki.” Laughter and jeers followed.

  The last person sat down and the doors were locked. Tyler, the leader, stood up and the room went quiet. He was handsome: dark hair, a smart suit. On the wall behind him was a large flag with NER embroidered in black on the cross of St George.

  “Welcome, especially to our new members. The NER is growing. This country’s falling apart. Immigrants, blacks, asylum seekers, they’re not escaping war – they just want to come over here and take what’s ours. We’ve just opened the doors to more. Bulgarians and Romanians, they’re not like us. These people from Africa.”

  A voice called out, “Send them back.” And, “Let them drown.”

  Tyler nodded. “We English are suffering. People are losing hope; they can’t get jobs and kids are going hungry. We’re offering an alternative, get rid of those that don’t belong here then there’ll be plenty for the rest of us.” People were nodding and murmuring. “Right, next up we’ve got some people here tonight who’ve been on the frontline and want to tell their stories.”

  A big bloke got up. He talked about standing up to a gang of black thugs who were harassing a white girl. Said they jumped on him and he was in hospital for weeks with a ruptured spleen. He got a big cheer. Then the woman sitting near me stood up. She had long red hair and a tight-fitting dress. She was spreading the word about the NER on her housing estate, got some shit from people but she kept going. She’d already recruited three people.