Subway 4

by Violet Hunter

  * * *

  The theatre company were auditioning for three female roles, Olivia, Viola and the maid. The green room was full of women. As often happened, because my surname began with W, I was called last.

  Feeling confident and alert I took my position onstage. The director and another man were sitting in the stalls. I gave my name and told them the pieces I was going to perform. The monologues I’d chosen were from Lady Windermere’s Fan and Macbeth. I wanted to prove that I could do both comedy and drama. Immersing myself in the rich words of Oscar Wilde I performed the first of the pieces. When I’d finished I saw that they were both smiling. Pausing I moved to a different place on the stage and began the speech by Lady Macbeth. I loved these words and was looking forward to speaking them.

  A slight sound in the wings distracted me. I had to stop myself from turning to see where it came from and for an instant was gripped by panic, thinking I was going to forget the rest of the speech. Remembering how much I wanted the part I took a deep inward breath and carried on but before I reached the end the director said loudly, “Thank you, Ms Wilding, we’ve heard enough.”

  I stopped, shocked, and stood looking at him but he nodded and said, “You can leave the stage,” then looked down at his notes. There was nothing else to do so I walked off and went back to the green room. Everyone else had gone.

  Had I been so bad that they couldn’t stand to hear me out? It was as humiliating as when Sarah told me I wasn’t pretty enough to play Hermia. Shoving my notes back in my bag I grabbed my jacket and walked through reception to the exit. I was about to open the door when someone called, “Ms Wilding.”

  I turned and saw the director hurrying after me.

  “There you are,” he said. “I thought you’d gone. Sorry I interrupted you but we’d heard so many speeches and anyway we knew after your first piece that you were the one.”

  I made myself look at him. His expression was serious.

  “Really?”

  “Yes, really. You’re exactly right for Viola.”

  I wanted to hug him but he didn’t look like the sort of person you hugged so I held out my hand. He took it and said, “We’re looking forward to working with you.”

  35

  JIMMY

  He waited until I got down before he left. We didn’t talk. A bit of me wished I’d thanked him but he didn’t seem to want it. I walked all the way home trying to make sense of what’d happened. The man was foreign. I didn’t know where from. If he hadn’t been there I’d be under that train. He didn’t know me and I didn’t deserve it but he’d done it anyway.

  Billy was round the next night hammering on the door until I let him in. He had a message from Tyler. “No alibi, no payment, from now on you’re on your own. You’re lucky, if it was down to me I’d have done you over.”

  For two days I didn’t go out. I had thoughts and visions constantly. Now I knew the man’s name they were more real and more scary. If I’d stopped and looked in his face, if I’d ignored Chris telling me to run. If…

  I tried to push away the terror but it had taken over. I was there with him in the park. I became him. The knife blade was sliding in – there was a twisting agony as Chris pulled it out. Reaching down I put my hand in the hole. My head felt as if it was exploding. I retched and cried out, trying to find words for what I was feeling but they weren’t there. I put my hands on the wound, pressing my fingers inwards, pushing and pinching the flesh together, trying to close it. My skin was marked and red. Words still wouldn’t come. I pushed harder. Sorry. That was the word I wanted. Sorry, but that wasn’t enough, I had to say his name, I’m sorry Anton, first in a whisper then louder. Something burst open inside with a force that shocked. I was crying. I thought I’d forgotten how. I never cried when Wayne was bullying me, it would’ve made everything worse. Now there was nothing and no one to stop me, I lay on the bed, my whole body shaking. I cried until I was exhausted and then fell asleep. There were no more dreams.

  * * *

  When I got up the sun was out and the snow was gone. It was proper spring at last. I had a shower, the first one for days, soaped myself all over, neck, back, balls and cock, every nook and cranny. Then I had a shave. After I’d finished I looked in the mirror. The fog in my head had gone and I knew what I had to do.

  My suit was hanging in the wardrobe. Next to it was a white shirt that was clean enough. I thought about tidying the room but that could wait. I picked up my keys and headed for the bus stop. I got on a number 37 and sat upstairs, looking out at all the people. They were going to work, doing ordinary things with their lives.

  When the bus got to Duke Street I rang the bell and got off. I walked past the Hope and Anchor, the carpet warehouse and the Good Morning Cafe. Stopping in front of a tall building I buttoned my jacket. I climbed the steps. When I got to the top I pushed open the door to the police station.

  Acknowledgements

  A special thanks to Sarah Natalia, who is an inspiration and Jacob, for the wise words and support. Thanks also to Corinne, Jackie, Joan, Jono, Karen, Sandra, Julia and Rob for their encouragement.