Cookbook from Hell Reheated

by M. L. Buchman

  “Stupid mortal.”

  He was. What he should have told Valerie was how much he cared for her. He should have said something about how he’d felt from the first moment, when he’d walked into her office and knew he just had to get the job so that he could be near her.

  “There goes Ron.”

  Peter’s words made Eric pop his head up and turn too quickly, leaving him too dizzy to focus for a long moment.

  “Wish he’d hurry up and lead us to the software.”

  “You’re about to get your wish.”

  Eric’s eyes finally stopped trying to make him seasick.

  Ron was trying to wiggle out through a small hole in the fence. The memory of the bright eyes came to mind.

  “Don’t!” Eric sprang for the fence and clamped his teeth on Ron’s tail trying to pull him back. “It’s dangerous.”

  Ron kicked him in the chest, forcing Eric to lose his grip, and wiggled through.

  Eric watched helplessly as Ron trotted toward the woods and a long brown streak of coyote flashed over, grabbed him by the neck, and turned back into the brush without breaking stride. If Eric had blinked he would have missed it.

  Ron’s cry was mercifully brief.

  The Buddhist software’s voice was soft, Lesson: Right Living. The grass is not always greener over there. Bang!

  And the meadow disappeared from before Eric’s eyes.

  # # #

  “Name, please?”

  Valerie had landed on her feet this time. She and Michelle stood in a pure white room filled with alabaster desks. Behind each desk sat a child-sized person clothed in an ivory robe with tall silvery wings reaching above their shoulders past, she swallowed hard, golden halos. Not costume halos held up by little bits of metal at the back. No, these hovered perfectly still above the angel’s heads. And they glowed with a warm and softly pulsing golden light.

  “You name, please?”

  She hadn’t even noticed at first. On each desk sat a computer screen and a keyboard that was about as long as the angels were tall.

  Michelle sat on one corner of the desk, “The Devil Incarnate.”

  “Right.” The angel spoke as it typed, “Devil, human manifestation, one of.” Without looking up it continued, “Do you believe in God?”

  “What do you think?”

  “Don’t know, we’re not allowed to think. It’s not in our programming.”

  Valerie didn’t recall blinking, but one moment there was one little angel clerk and the next an even smaller one was perched on the clerk’s shoulder holding a notepad as large as she was. “Should moose all be female, or turned into aerodynamic skateboards?”

  She was trying to make sense of the question when Michelle snapped out, “Make them all bright yellow as a traffic warning.”

  “Right,” the angel closed her notepad and disappeared with a small pop. Weird. Even Michelle looked surprised at that one.

  Valerie had been in Heaven under thirty seconds and she already felt an urgent need to go sit quietly, somewhere familiar.

  The clerk pressed two more keys with finality. “I marked you down as atheist. Sorry, no entry visa.”

  Michelle walked around behind the desk and nudged the clerk out of the chair, who fluttered gently to the floor. “What the…? This console is dead. How can you enter anything?”

  “No one told me it didn’t work. Oh dear, I’ve typed in thousands of entries. Now they’re running around loose. All those unlisted souls. How will we know what to call them?” The clerk started to hop from one foot to the other, her wings flapping out of time.

  Michelle turned the power switch off and back on. Over her shoulder Valerie could see a message come up: “System unavailable. Please select alternate startup system.”

  “What does that mean?”

  Michelle turned off the power switch and the screen went dark. “I’d have to ask Peter to be sure, but I think it was offering to reboot the universe, starting at the Big Bang.”

  Valerie felt frozen as she watched Michelle’s face shift from concern to fear. With the Devil scared, she couldn’t figure out what she was supposed to feel. One wrong key and all of existence could be reset to the beginning?

  Suddenly the angel rushed out of the room, “I’ll ask her. She’ll know what to do.”

  Michelle sprung out of the chair, “Follow that angel.”

  Valerie raced after Michelle and out the door onto the finest, greenest, most perfectly manicured lawn she’d ever seen. They were gaining on the angel, who was more hopping than flying, until Valerie was suddenly bound in some heavy cloth and fell to the grass. She looked down at herself. She was clothed head to foot in a heavy gown with a black veil she could barely see through.

  Michelle was swearing loudly somewhere nearby.

  “Allow me to help you, fair ladies.”

  Valerie looked up to see a tall, spare man with a nicely trimmed beard holding out a hand to each of them. “Thank you, I think.”

  “Allow me to introduce myself. Gawain. Sir Gawain. You may have heard of some of my exploits.”

  No sense of shock at all. Good. She’d finally adapted. Nothing would surprise her now, maybe ever again. “Aren’t you mythical?”

  “Oh no. That is, not totally. I did live in and fight for Camelot. We had a nice table too…but it was square. One midsummer’s eve we started a story-telling contest about ourselves. I almost won the prize for the biggest whopper, but I was a real ladies’ man back then. No one would believe I hadn’t slept with the Green Knight’s wife…or that I hadn’t run away from the Knight himself.”

  Valerie had been trying to tug off her cloak with very little success.

  “Oh, you won’t be able to remove it. The Muslim fundamentalists must have recently been polled. Every woman must now wear a chador and yashmak, that is the gown and veil. Strictly enforced, I fear. It should be overturned shortly. The Christians and Jews are, shall we say, less than amused by these new requirements. Heaven without a good glass of wine doesn’t make the Jews happy at all. Having it disappear in the middle of drinking it only to have it reappear while reading a good book… Quite a mess things are. So unpredicatable.” The chadors disappeared, “Ah, there you go. Welcome to Heaven.”

  “Thank you for your kindness, Gawain,” Michelle curtsied deeply. It was an odd thing to do, but it seemed appropriate respect for a knight errant. Valerie followed suit. “Could you by any chance tell us who’s in charge? Our guide seems to have outrun us.”

  “Oh, you want to see Her? Won’t be much help, but you can give it a try. She’s over at His old place. She’s, well, how to put it best? She’s over at His place, not deciding anything. Yes, that’s an appropriate description. Excuse me now. It appears there are some new entrants. They look to be quite confused with the reception angel running off and all. Bye now, and watch for sudden changes.”

  He strode away. Valerie managed a single step before being wrapped in a clown suit with gigantic shoes. She tripped and fell down to the luxuriant grass again.

  Michelle had managed to remain standing. Finally the shoes disappeared and Valerie climbed to her feet.

  “I guess someone finally asked the clowns what they’d like.”

  “I guess,” Michelle’s fear was turning to anger. “We need to get moving.”

  A small angel appeared on Valerie’s shoulder, “What’s your favorite color?”

  “Electric pink with dark purple polka dots,” was the first ridiculous answer she could think of.

  Immediately the green grass for several dozen feet around turned electric pink with dark purple polka dots. A bright yellow moose wandered across the lawn. Halfway there, it turned abruptly into a hedgehog.

  Michelle swatted away the next angel who appeared. It instantly disappeared and Valerie felt a slight pressure alight on her knee. Before it had
a chance to speak she swatted at it, too. It ducked and disappeared. Michelle grabbed the next one who appeared and pinned it by the wings. It fluttered madly but seemed unable to escape the Devil’s grasp, “You will leave the two of us out of this craziness, right?”

  The little angel nodded emphatic agreement. The instant it was released it disappeared, but three more arrived.

  Michelle turned to her, batting away errant angels, “We had best do something fast. We can’t wait for Eric and Peter to find the software. This place is a mess.”

  Couldn’t wait for Eric. She bit her lip in worry, was he even alive? She’d take that worry as an indicator that was starting to forgive his earlier dismissal.

  Her cell phone beeped.

  It was a text message from “caller ID withheld.”

  “I’m getting spam in Heaven. I won’t even ask how I’m getting cell reception here. Certainly no signal strength bars.” She opened the message. “They’re presently shrimp in a sulfur-based shrimp ecosystem on the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. Hope you’re having fun. B.S.”

  She showed the message to Michelle.

  “Who’s B.S.?”

  “Buddhist Software. It giggles every time it gets to use the initials. Its sense of humor is a little sophomoric. Let’s go.”

  So, Eric was okay, in a manner of speaking. Taking a deep breath she tried to focus on the task at hand and followed Michelle as she trotted forward. “Where are we going?”

  “Gawain said, ‘his place.’ ” Michelle pointed at a large building off in the distance with spires reaching toward the Heavens in every color of the rainbow, but re-hued as if they’d had suffered a Martha Stewart makeover.

  “Whoever she is, she’s sitting on god’s throne.”

  Valerie nodded her head, “Isn’t that where a woman should be?”

  Michelle didn’t look even a little bit amused.

  Chapter 33

  Eric blinked several times as he looked out over the grassy square trying to make sense of it. They were under a huge oak tree in the center of a park. A small town of one and two-story buildings wrapped around three sides of the square. A tall, white water tower with the huge yellow smiley face painted on it bore the words, “Adair, Iowa.”

  He stood on what looked to be a bicyclist’s saddlebag.

  “You appear a little bloodthirsty, my friend.”

  Turning toward Peter, all Eric saw was a mosquito right next to him. He tried to slap it. All he achieved was batting his own antenna with a foreleg. “What the Hell?” He could feel his blood start to pound against a couple hundred of his eyes. It was hard to take a deep breath. Something started buzzing on his back. When he saw the wings attached to his own shoulders he knew he was losing his mind.

  “So where’s Ron?” Peter’s question calmed him down and restored some of his focus.

  “Over there biting that bicyclist, I think.” Eric waved a leg.

  Sure enough, the mosquito who looked exactly like the one resting beside him, was diving bombing a woman leaning against the oak tree.

  “A swing, a miss, and…” Eric cut off his sports announcer routine as she boxed her own ear cruelly.

  The woman slapped the side of her head again and got him this time.

  “Got one of the buggers,” the woman crowed as if she’d murdered a lion in the wild. “Yes. It is a good day.”

  Peter buzzed his wings loudly for a moment. “Well, that was my brother. Or was it myself. That still bugs me.”

  Eric tried to punch him in the shoulder but ended up tangling his foreleg in his own antenna again. “No cheap puns please.”

  “Sorry, I guess we’re going to be buzzing off soon.”

  Eric heard a quiet laugh very close to his ear as the Buddhist system software said, Lesson: Right Action. Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you. Bang!

  And they departed Adair, Iowa in a slight puff.

  # # #

  “Mary? What are you doing here?” Michelle sounded pleasantly surprised as she shouted across the crowded room.

  Valerie felt very small standing at the threshold of the Celestial Throne Room, it truly looked out of this world, or any other she could imagine.

  A great golden throne towered above the thousands of people. It totally dominated Heaven’s reception hall. They were all bathed in a gentle light spilling through a fluffy white-cloud ceiling, making everyone look young and lively even if they were deceased.

  That’s where the expected ceased and the surreal began.

  The crowd seethed and pulsed like a rave dance without the dark room, fog effects, and high-tech lighting. The people were all clothed in electric-green robes the color of the lawn outside. And the volume was as loud as any DJ could produce. The people shouted and gesticulated, they pushed and shoved… They were being downright rude. And each and every one was struggling to reach the head of the line that led up the stairs of the throne’s dais.

  But Mary outshone them all. Valerie couldn’t take her eyes off the beautiful woman who ran toward them down the turquoise marble steps. A path opened before her like a gentle wave. Her dark-gold hair swirled behind her.

  “Michelle,” Mary gave the Devil a hug. “How are you? I haven’t seen you in so long. Do you know what’s going on?”

  “I was about to ask the same. First, this is my friend, Valerie, she’s still mortal. Valerie, this is Mary.”

  Mary smelled of fresh roses about to bloom as she gave Valerie a kiss on each cheek. “Mary, as in Mary Magdalen?”

  Mary looked at her for a long moment as if waiting for something.

  Valerie couldn’t find anything to respond with. No comment one way or another. She’d never been much of a believer, and here she was being introduced to a woman who knew Jesus of Nazareth.

  Suddenly Mary smiled brightly at some private joke.

  “You poor woman. This must all be quite overwhelming for you. And yes, I am the misguided girl who Jesus saved, in person. Such a sweet man. Come, come this way,” she led them to a door beside the throne dais. “I can’t tolerate this room for very long. All of those poor people seeking answers that I don’t have. They simply won’t stop. They think everything in Heaven is supposed to be somehow perfect, as if that were possible.”

  It was comforting that perfection was only a goal, even here in Heaven. The universe may not be set up the way Valerie had believed, but it was some comfort that its rules were consistent throughout the realms.

  Stepping through the door they entered a pleasant little iris and columbine garden surrounded by a tall laurel hedge; it was very private and cozy. They seated themselves around a small table in an elegant gazebo.

  “This is so much nicer. Please don’t take this personally, but you both look awful. Would anyone like some tea?” Mary started pouring without waiting for an answer and continued. “Do you like the gardens? I always did like flowers. That’s how I spent my time after the resurrection. I found a nice little cottage on the sea and tended my gardens. God let me plant this one. I miss him. We used to sit here until all hours.”

  Something was missing, but Valerie couldn’t place it at first. “Hey, no angels have polled us out here.”

  “Oh, I grew tired of them and told them to leave me alone and get someone else to make the decisions. I made more than enough on earth. Jesus was totally stressed toward the end, you know. The poor man was so burned out that he couldn’t make up his mind about anything. ‘What should we eat, Mary? When should I die, Mary?’ ” She looked off toward the mountains, her fair brow furrowed deeply for a moment. Her voice was distant as she continued, “I’m the practical one, but our marriage barely made it through those last days.”

  Valerie looked at her in wonder. She couldn’t imagine being confronted with such a question, and answering. It was unbelievable a relationship could survive that. Yet it had. And she though
t she and Eric were over just because he was being a little over-protective. She’d have to think about that.

  Michelle sipped her tea, “If you don’t like making decisions why are you in charge here?”

  “Well, someone had some questions a few days ago and they couldn’t find Peter anywhere. They came to Jesus for guidance. He looked at me and said, ‘Why don’t you have a bit of fun, dear? You could run Heaven until Peter gets back.’ I thought it would be a lark, but Peter hasn’t returned. Do you know if he’s okay?”

  “Last we heard he and my boy…my friend…were giant condors in the Peruvian Andes.” She had trouble catching her breath.

  “Oh good,” Mary kindly ignored her gaff. “Peter’s such a cute boy. He doesn’t get out enough. He spends too much time playing with his computers.”

  “Where is Jesus the boy wonder himself?”

  “Well,” Mary freshened the tea all around from an ornate teapot of pink roses and gold trim. It smelled of orange blossoms. “Before the gates were closed my husband went down to coach his little-league team. I haven’t heard from him since.”

  Valerie sipped at her tea. “How did the ruling by opinion poll start?”

  “You’d have to ask them. I do wish Peter was back, and Jesus.”

  Michelle slouched on the bench and crossed her ankles, “Peter’s busy cycling on the Buddhist Wheel of Life and your husband may not be able to get in. It was quite difficult for us. Do you mind if I try my hand at fixing a few things?”

  “The Devil running Heaven?” Mary smiled one of her radiant smiles, “Such splendid irony. That would be wonderful.”

  “I can see the headlines,” Valerie held up her hands pretending to sell newspapers, “ ‘Devil sits on throne of Heaven. Panic reigns. Dow Jones rises 583 points setting one-hour record.’ ”

  Michelle smiled, “Don’t worry. You get to help.”

  “Oh brother,” she could barely keep from laughing.