Lost Girl

by Mary E. Twomey

  “No. Just get me out of Avalon as fast you can after this. I mean it. I bring back Roland, we return the gems, and they can handle it from there. You, me and Lane are going up to Common, and we’re not looking back.”

  “You got it, pumpkin.”

  Bastien came back with his tail between his legs and freshly filled canteens, looking thoroughly put in his place. With a heart heavier than a bowling ball, I stood, putting a leg over the side of the horse before he rose to standing. It wasn’t nearly as startling to ride Cheval as it was the other horses. His movements were fluid, and felt designed to fit to my level of experience – which was none. I kept my eyes on the back of Cheval’s head, unwilling to let the hollowness in my heart be known.

  Draper gave Bastien a leg up behind me. His arms were awkward, and nothing like the sweet seduction we’d had before when we rode together. Bastien looked around in confusion. “I need reins. How am I supposed to direct him?”

  “You don’t direct him,” I answered quietly. “He leads. We follow.”

  “Oh. Right. That makes sense. Where would I lead him? I don’t even know where we’re going.”

  “Exactly.” I cast Draper a look of complete dread. I didn’t like this arrangement one bit. “Lane’s going to freak.”

  “I’ll explain it to Lane. She’ll be alright. Does the horse know how long you’ll be?”

  “When do you think we’ll be back?” I asked Cheval, stroking his mane.

  “I can make it there in two days, if we don’t stop.”

  “Two days there, two back, but I’ll need to sleep in there, so probably longer.” As the words rolled out of me, doom set in. Five, possibly six days stuck with the one person I couldn’t get away from fast enough. I hung my head, lifting it only to cast Draper a “how could you do this to me” look that I hoped he truly felt guilty for. “I’m ready,” I lied to Cheval.

  “I can feel your despair,” Cheval said to me, jerking my vulnerability to the forefront. “I’m here. You’re not a lost girl if I can find you.”

  “Thanks, man. I’m not sure I believe you, but thanks all the same.” Draper handed me my backpack, and I put it on so it hung off my front like a baby carrier. Bastien had his pack, his bow and quiver, and what looked like a world of regret in his eyes. “What about you? I don’t want to leave you alone in the woods.”

  Draper motioned to the sky. “I can find my way out of the forest if I follow the sun. I’m alright, pumpkin.”

  “Please be around when I get back,” I pleaded, not liking the idea of being parted from my new brother so soon, and for so many days.

  Draper’s smile was tender, as if he’d needed to hear that I was a big baby who wanted my big brother around. “I can’t imagine anywhere I’d rather be. Quick, now. Come back safe to me.”

  16

  Missing Judah

  Cheval started off at a gentle trot, not minding at all that I used his mane to keep myself steady. Bastien fumbled around behind me until his hands finally settled on my waist. “Sorry. I don’t know where else to hold on.”

  “It’s fine.” It was all so awkward and forced. This was the dude I’d wrapped my legs around while he shoved me to the wall and kissed me until I could barely remember my name. His hands felt wrong around my hips now, but I had no other option for him.

  “Tell your Guardien he doesn’t need to use his magic along on the ride for healing his shoulder. I can do that well enough on my own. People often come to me injured, and my magic speeds along their healing.”

  “He’s not my…” I wanted to correct Cheval, but it was hard to do that without Bastien listening in. I could feel his breath on the back of my neck, and it was starting to make me jumpy. I turned my chin slightly to the left to talk to Bastien. “Cheval says you don’t need to use your magic to keep up the healing mojo on your shoulder. He can do that for us. Save your magic.”

  “Okay. Thanks.”

  We were polite and formal. I hated it.

  We rode through the woods, and I could tell Bastien didn’t like the feeling of not being able to steer. It was too much control out of his hands. Given his proclivity for being on top of things, he was having a hard time. He had to let someone else lead, and for all his accomplishments, submitting was a thing he wasn’t all that great at.

  Cheval galloped when we broke out from the thick smattering of trees, tearing through a wheat field like it was nothing. He didn’t tire, and our legs didn’t get ripped at by the long golden stalks.

  It was at least an hour before Bastien said anything to me. “I’m sorry I left like that.”

  “Yup. We don’t need to talk about it,” I ruled, not wanting to have this or any conversation with him when we couldn’t escape each other. I wasn’t being a jerk, just honest. At this point, an apology did little good. I didn’t need it, and I didn’t want him to think his running out on me could be excused with a commitment-phobic “guys will be guys” shrug. I didn’t want any part of an excuse that made it sound totally logical why he’d leave me high and dry. If that was his M.O., he could take it to the rest of the fangirls in Avalon. Let them nod understandingly.

  He was quiet for a long time, which suited me just fine. My eyelids were heavy, but I fought with them as the world grew darker and harder to see through to the horizon. It wasn’t until hour three that his arms snaked all the way around my stomach under my front-worn backpack, tracing my sides with his knuckles. It would’ve been sexy, or at the very least cozy, but Bastien felt all wrong on me now. My hands gripped his wrists and moved them back onto my hips. “Knock it off. We don’t know each other well enough for you to do that.”

  Bastien hung his head behind me, bumping his forehead to the back of my shoulder. “I said I was sorry, Rosie. Don’t punish me more than I’m punishing myself.”

  “If you think you should be let off the hook for what you did to me, then you’re not punishing yourself nearly enough.” Resentment started to creep into my voice, so I ironed it out. It wasn’t worth fighting about. Our little… whatever it was, wasn’t worth saving. “It doesn’t matter. I don’t care. It never happened. Just don’t hold me like you know how. You don’t. Or you shouldn’t, anyways.”

  “Will you just hear my side of it?”

  “You don’t get a side of it. Your side of it is that you left. The time to air your grievances was days ago. Literal days. Almost a week. It’s too late now. It’s done.”

  “You say that like you know how big a deal what almost happened actually was, but you don’t. That was our first kiss, and right in the middle of it, you almost give me your lueur? It’s like getting married on the first date.”

  My teeth ground together as I counted to ten before answering. “You are such a jaggoff. I obviously don’t know what any of that is, so you know I wasn’t trying to trap you into all that. Instead of talking me through it, you left me while I was choking on the floor! I could barely breathe, and you were more concerned about your precious bachelorhood than the oxygen in my lungs.” Emotion crept into my voice, forcing accusations out of me before I could remind us both that I’d said I didn’t want to talk to him about any of this. “I don’t care about your commitment issues. That was my first kiss ever, and you ruined it! You took it and ran!” I stiffened, shaking my head as I tried to diffuse the bomb that I was. “It doesn’t matter. I don’t care. I’m over it. So very over it. I’m like, the Lost Princess of Over It. I care zero about your side of things, and I don’t want to talk about it. It never happened.”

  “I’m trying to apologize!”

  “I don’t need it. I need space. I need to not be around you. Why’d you even come back? Lurking in the shadows instead of facing the mess you left.”

  “I killed the Gévaudan to save you!”

  “You had days to talk to me about it, but now that I’m on the cool horse after you faced the cool monster, now you’re all chatty. Now you want to be seen because you think I’ll swoon after you slayed the dragon.”

  “
It’s not like that. I needed time to sort things out. And I wanted to get a feel for Draper. If he’s going to be in your life, I wanted to spend some time watching him when he didn’t know I was there. Make sure he’s a good guy.”

  “How very fatherly of you. Draper’s for Lane to vet, not you. You didn’t spend four days vetting him. Where were you then?”

  He paused, and for a second, I didn’t think he was going to answer. “I needed a drink. It’s okay for me to blow off some steam.”

  “Drinking for four days? Sounds like you’ve got a problem.” I said it in jest, but part of me wondered if Bastien had, in fact, drank himself stupid for four days straight to avoid talking to me.

  Bastien let a growl of frustration build in his throat. “You sound exactly like Reyn. I don’t have a drinking problem. That was a big deal, what almost happened. I didn’t mean to get so comfortable with you that I forgot the basics. I wouldn’t be a good Guardien.”

  “I wouldn’t let you be my guard if you begged. I don’t need one. I’m twenty-two, not five. I don’t need a babysitter. I’m fine with Lane and Draper.”

  Bastien scoffed. “Lane hasn’t lived in Avalon for twenty-one years, and Draper? Well, he’s been hiding in the gutter too long. He doesn’t know what he’s doing.”

  I closed my mouth, knowing only venom would spew out. I sorely missed Judah. Judah would never make me sit through this conversation. I stayed quiet and kept my eyes forward, wishing Cheval was just taking us another block. Maybe he was taking us to a hotel with a big old bed and a whole mess of tacos. And a milkshake. And some donuts. With a warm blanket. And Judah, who wouldn’t make me talk about this. My shoulders sagged at how badly I missed the guy who knew me best. I didn’t need confusing romance; I needed someone I could count on to never make me feel this turned around. I liked my life better when I was the ugly girl.

  “Come on, Rosie. We’ve got to get past this. Tell me what I can say.”

  “Nothing. I don’t need anything from you. After we find Roland and you get the gems, I’m going home.”

  He paused, his hands tightening on my hips before dropping the gavel. “You can’t go back. Morgan sent her spies after you. When you go home, they’ll find you for sure. They won’t stop until they bring you to her. Then she’ll put you to work relocating the gems to bring them to her.”

  I stiffened, not having worked out that mess of crap that lay like spilled spaghetti at my feet as we rode through the darkness. “Then what am I supposed to do? How does this end for me?”

  He swallowed, and despite my warnings to keep his hands on my hips, his arms encircled my waist underneath my backpack again, hugging me from behind. “It ends when we kill Morgan and put someone worth the hype on the throne. Then you can go live up in Common again.”

  A heaviness pressed down on my shoulders that I couldn’t shake off or even breathe properly through. I leaned over my backpack, my hand moving to my chest to hold my heart inside my ribs, lest it plummet down into my stomach and fall out my shoes. It was a swift punch, delivered right to the sore spot I knew would never heal.

  Cheval felt my sudden shift downward and slowed to a trot before stopping in the wheat field. We were surrounded by acres and acres of golden wheat in the dark. “It’s a good time for you to rest,” Cheval said to me. “You should sleep before I have to take you to my forest. You’ll need your rest for other reasons than to bring someone back. There are many people and animals who will accidentally drain your magic to get a chance to speak with the Voix.”

  “Um, why’s he stopping? I don’t see Roland. Is this where the gems are?”

  “I’m getting off,” I announced. “You first. I can’t swing my leg over with you behind me.”

  “Oh, right. The sleeping thing. You could’ve just leaned on me and slept on the horse. I would’ve kept you from falling.”

  “That’s not how sleep works. Why don’t you go stretch your legs or something?”

  “I’m fine.” Bastien dismounted and held his hands up to me.

  I hated the idea of him helping me down, so I dropped my backpack onto the ground and carefully slid off Cheval’s other side. I felt bowlegged and shaky and so very sad. “Go play in the wheat or whatever. I’ll come get you when I wake up.”

  “Just lay down. I’ll keep watch.”

  My temper had been stretched thin before, but it snapped like an overused rubber band at this. “Would you just go? I know you all want to murder my mother, but I’ve never even met the woman! I don’t even know what she looks like! I don’t know if I have her eyes or her hair, and I probably won’t ever know any of it before she starts using me like the tool I am to all of you. How horrible that she wants to use me for my abilities. If only I didn’t have a whole Council to beat her to the punch.”

  Bastien took a step back, his hands raised at my verbal blow of defense. “Whoa! I didn’t mean to make you go there. I thought you knew that was the plan all along.”

  “I did, I think. I probably did.” I deflated. “Look, I’m a mess. I’m overly exhausted, I just watched a man who was following my lead die, and you’re a stranger to me. Just go. Get some air. Let me deal by myself.”

  Bastien’s face turned surly, his strong hands flying out with attitude. “You know what? No! I run, and you rip me a new one. You push me away, and you get a pass? Where do you get off?”

  “Here!” I motioned around wildly to the wheat. “Here’s where I get off the whole friggin’ train! Here’s where I give you a free pass to go be the hermit in the woods you’ve always dreamed of. Go be Bastien the Untouchable. Such a perfect title, since I got way too close. Untouchable, indeed.”

  Cheval sat down in the wheat, giving us both a derisive harrumph at our dramatics. Bastien turned to Cheval as if gearing up to ask him if he minded, but then thought better of it. He turned back to me, his voice quieter to stem our arguing that never seemed to end. “Look, you’re pissed at me. I get it. But I’m not leaving you for a second. You were mad when I left before?” He jutted his chin out in defiance. “Now you’ll never be rid of me. Suck on that, Princess.”

  I blinked twice at him, stunned. “Honestly? Stupidest hill to plant your flag on. You’re not my Guardien. Watching me isn’t your job. Go back and be the village idiot. That seems a well-suited post no one will fire you from.”

  Bastien ignored my “village idiot” comment, which was probably best. My insults weren’t at their peak when I was pushed to the edge like this. “Maybe watching you isn’t my job, but I know better than to leave some naïve little princess alone in the middle of the night in a world she knows nothing about.”

  “I hate you so much right now.”

  Bastien pretended to get choked up, wiping his eyes and letting out a dramatic sob before straightening and snapping at me. “Fine by me! That makes everything easier without you getting all confused.”

  I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to storm his castle and beat on him until he admitted he was a spineless jackfish who feigned experience with women, but ran away at the first sight of one who demanded he be a man.

  I turned on my heel and stomped a few paces until I found a patch of bent wheat stalks to lie down on. I barked at him like a dog when he took a step toward me, making my point clear without the use of words (which would only be nonsensical cussing at this point). I pulled out a few shoots of wheat by the roots, wishing I wasn’t wasting some farmer’s crop like this, but knowing I couldn’t sleep on such an unforgiving surface.

  I curled up on my side away from Cheval, whom I didn’t want to see me break down, and away from Bastien, whom I didn’t want to see at all. I hugged myself in the dark, waiting only a handful of quiet minutes before the tears began to moisten the corners of my eyes. I made sure to keep my breathing steady so Bastien wouldn’t see me fall apart. I felt so young and foolish, letting myself get carried away with my budding feelings for him. I shouldn’t have let my imagination run away with me to concoct a whole scenario in which a selfish lo
ner jackhole magically became a gallant prince overnight.

  I missed Judah, and hated sleeping without him. I knew he didn’t like sleeping alone, either. Though without me there, he and Jill probably weren’t doing much sleeping… on my bed. In my sheets. I cringed at the thought. The longest relationship I’d ever had was with a totally platonic guy who would probably marry his high school sweetheart. They’d sleep in their own bed together, as they should, and I’d go live by myself somewhere, or I’d move back home and be the mama’s girl I was. I’d toss and turn at night, as I often did when Judah slept elsewhere.

  I closed my eyes, but images of Bayard’s torn body threw themselves in my face. I steadied my anxiety-riddled breaths into my hand so my tears didn’t fall too noticeably. I was a freak who talked to animals, but couldn’t get it right with people.

  As if on cue, Cheval moved to my side and laid down so his flank was at my back to keep me warm. He was sweet, and didn’t say anything to cheer me up. He just sat with me while I cried myself to sleep, assuring me that he could still find me, so I wasn’t the lost girl I feared I might always be.

  17

  The Jerk and the Brat

  I awoke to the gentle rays of the sun warming my face and coaxing me to life. My neck was stiff, and I smelled like horse, but I didn’t care. I opened my eyes, startled to find Bastien sitting right next to my head, watching me sleep. “Dude, how long have you been sitting there?”

  “I dunno. A few hours. It’s boring when you sleep.”

  “Here’s a new rule: don’t watch me sleep. It creeps me out.”

  He sighed as I sat up, a man’s flannel shirt falling off my arms that I hadn’t realized was there. “I don’t want to fight anymore. I was a jerk, and you were a brat. That’s the end of it.”